Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[hopesndreams]

She knows she has done wrong and hurt him.

 

I'm not sure that's been established yet.

[You Go Girl]

I just read the last two pages of what's thread to get caught up, I wish I had time to read it all, but I don't.

It seems divorce is imminent no matter what.

That perhaps changes the direction of the communication and healing for the future.

I do want to say that I think you are both brave and smart to approach communication as a necessary step to raising your child.

[spriggig]

That's all I have to say on this thread for now. I am going to let it continue and I won't comment.

 

As if you have some say in whether she posts here?

[spriggig]

I tried to break it off once and when I came back home was some physical violence that I completely deserve based on what I did but that just gave me another push the next time he came calling.

 

OK, hold the phone here. Are you claiming here that What_Next physically abused you?

 

Did I misunderstand this?

[Steadfast]

 

I believe infidelity can be overcome and a stronger relationship can be created from the ashes of the one that burned. Pride on his part is a huge issue that must be discussed in depth and at length also. "You did this to me" is the usual thought that is so difficult to move past to create a greater understanding.

 

 

I also believe this about infidelity in marriage. Once successful, this would be a relationship forged with fire...with both sides mixing love and compassion with a deeper understanding. It is possible. It is attainable.

 

But it is so rare. And ultimately, incredibly romantic and moving. Victory!

 

Expect to give almost superhuman levels of commitment and patience to pull it off. On both sides. Your effort will truly reflect the motivation. Do you love him enough? How about him? Is his heart too damaged to heal?

 

There are betrayed spouses here who will desire to lash out from their personal hurt. Learn to recognize them and identify them when you feel attacked.

 

 

I'm not sure that's fair YGG...even if I somewhat agree with you. It can be risky to judge someone's mindset by just reading words on a monitor. To fully understand the consequences of her actions, it's probably healthy to be exposed to the gamut of judgment and personal opinion. At some point, all cheaters have to deal with it. This one is no exception. If she's serious, she'll understand, swallow it down and forge ahead. If she's weak, sensitive or defensive, then she has absolutely no chance. Then again, there is no good to be gained by insults either. It should be moderated-

[trippi1432]

Well I'm not sure - I think my husband said in his thread - I read alot but there was alot. He was very unapproachable for years. I should have screamed and made him stop what he was doing and listen but I didn't so I can't blame him for any of this. I take full blame. I really want to reconcile when we are both ready.

 

Ok...here's a straw for us to grab at. Now those who are sentencing the woman to hell already, I don't think you are helping matters. Chastizing isn't going to do anything to help to find out if this marriage is salvagable.

 

You say your H was unapproachable for years.

Ok, let's run with that. Not attacking him for a flaw, but what can we do with that? How can we work with it?

Improved communication between the two of you!

So now the secrets are out, the walls are down, and there's nothing to lose by playing to win, because at this point if things don't improve, you've both already lost.

And yes I say both, because the death of a marriage both lose.

 

You need to find something to work with. The lack of good communication between the two of you is the place to start.

How is he going to be more approachable? How are you going to be less quiet and share your true feelings? (Long before they spiral out of control!)

The above is how the work on the marriage starts. Pointing fingers is going to do nothing here. She knows she has done wrong and hurt him. The work needs to begin.

So, when the two of you see each other, or are communicating in whatever fashion you choose, how are you going to be completely honest with what you are feeling? It sounds from what you said about yourself--quiet--that you need to open up more.

It sounds from what you said about him--that he was unapproachable--that he needs to be open to communication, and really listen.

If he pushed you--or whatever the violence was, if she took the child across the border...we have two wrongs, let's put them behind you and focus on the WORK TO REPAIR. Those two nasties can be discussed in depth later AFTER the basic communication has improved.

 

Sheesh!!! YGG!! Thank you!! Have been trying all day to put that into words....glad I don't have to now. You rock!!

[2sunny]

the only to start on is fixing what is broken about you.

 

you cheated - knowing you married an unapproachable guy - then use that character trait against him to justify cheating? nope, no can do... i don't blame him for not wanting you now.

 

he deserves more. a woman that will value him and be trustworthy.

 

you see, after betrayal - and the trust is beyond repair - it's sometimes best to walk away.

 

especially since you continued doing this after he was trying to repair things with you - and you knew full well you were STILL kicking him when he was down. how could you?

 

let him find a woman that will love him. stay away, rebuild a new life...

 

and you come here and read his private thoughts and feelings... hoping that you will appease to his sympathetic side and maybe he'll cave? that takes the cake lady.

 

if my xH did that after we divorced (M 20 years) i would have come unglued.

[Darth Vader]

As if you have some say in whether she posts here?

 

 

She wasn't so addicted that she had to straddle the OM and ride him. Then turns around and does it again, only this time she takes their child down there with her. Makes me wonder what their child saw and heard. The child probably heard her mom moaning and orgasming while she was riding her OM!

 

What Next, needs to Divorce her ass! The sooner the better! She knew what she was doing, and now she's trying to make it out like she was afraid to speak up and talk about lacking something in the marriage! PLEASE! She's shifting Blame in a very subtle way, to make like she's not in control of herself! RIGHT!

 

If her husband had done this his ass would've been out the door in nothing flat!

 

What Next, you better get yourself a good Lawyer and cover that ass of yours, I'm serious MAN! And if there are any agreements, have it ALL DONE IN WRITING WITH HER SIGNATURE! Then Copy the thing intriplicate! Signatures are still Binding in a court of law!

[Darth Vader]

the only to start on is fixing what is broken about you.

 

you cheated - knowing you married an unapproachable guy - then use that character trait against him to justify cheating? nope, no can do... i don't blame him for not wanting you now.

 

he deserves more. a woman that will value him and be trustworthy.

 

you see, after betrayal - and the trust is beyond repair - it's sometimes best to walk away.

 

especially since you continued doing this after he was trying to repair things with you - and you knew full well you were STILL kicking him when he was down. how could you?

 

let him find a woman that will love him. stay away, rebuild a new life...

 

and you come here and read his private thoughts and feelings... hoping that you will appease to his sympathetic side and maybe he'll cave? that takes the cake lady.

 

if my xH did that after we divorced (M 20 years) i would have come unglued.

 

 

Great post! I agree with you! She knew full well what she was doing!

[2sunny]

betrayal shows in many forms... now even his privacy here has been compromised by her. smooth move wifey.

 

YOU have choices, always have had choices, but YOU chose the wrong action.

 

not only that but you chose it even after you knew he was in pain from your betrayal... so you weren't remorseful.

 

that girl's weekend... the guy WAS THERE right? answer me that.

 

we all have choices. you chose and at times like this you just can't expect it to get fixed by a simple apology... especially when, in the same sentence, you try to point the finger at your spouse.

 

OWN IT - IT"S YOURS TO OWN. YOU can fix yourself. it doesn't mean he may want the choice of you knowing how you caused so much harm to so many people with one simple action... and without the remorse as well.

[tojaz]

First off folks, we have a rare comodity here. A BS and a WS on the same forum sharing their stories! They are also looking for help,BOTH of them! Donewrong has admitted what shes done, heck her username is Done wrong.. because she knows she has, no need to remind her. Shes here for help and advice just like anyone else

 

Hi, Donewrong. Since you've read W_Ns thread, then you are already familiar with me. Im glad your here posting your side and trying to admit your part. That takes a lot of courage and that is something the typical WAS doesn't have.

 

You both are stuck in a hopeless stalemate. Defending your positions (not actions) and both with a lot of anger. That will always be an enormous obstacle to any kind of communication. I think you both were probably unapproachable in your own ways for quite some time. Something that was talked about on W_Ns thread awhile ago.

 

The start of anything here is going to be finding some way to communicate for both of you that is not only acceptable, but that you both feel safe and comfortable. That means understanding the damage done to him by your actions regardless of how it came about or why.....

 

That's all I have to say on this thread for now. I am going to let it continue and I won't comment.

 

... and he has a few things to work on as well. Open communication is just that OPEN, not when its allowed or when one party decides much like all the other parts of a good marriage.

 

I hope you keep posting Donewrong, don't let the bitter and jaded among us run you off.

 

TOJAZ

[Donewrong]

the only to start on is fixing what is broken about you.

 

you cheated - knowing you married an unapproachable guy - then use that character trait against him to justify cheating? nope, no can do... i don't blame him for not wanting you now.

 

he deserves more. a woman that will value him and be trustworthy.

 

you see, after betrayal - and the trust is beyond repair - it's sometimes best to walk away.

 

especially since you continued doing this after he was trying to repair things with you - and you knew full well you were STILL kicking him when he was down. how could you?

 

let him find a woman that will love him. stay away, rebuild a new life...

 

and you come here and read his private thoughts and feelings... hoping that you will appease to his sympathetic side and maybe he'll cave? that takes the cake lady.

 

if my xH did that after we divorced (M 20 years) i would have come unglued.

 

Actually he suggested I come in and read it and start posting myself so I can start work on myself. So no I didn't come here to read his private thoughts and feelings hoping to appease to his sympathetic side so he'd cave. It was something he strongly suggested I do.

[Donewrong]

OK, hold the phone here. Are you claiming here that What_Next physically abused you?

 

Did I misunderstand this?

 

I don't want to get into this here - it is not fair to him. I've done enough damage to him. This is about fixing me right?

[Donewrong]

I also believe this about infidelity in marriage. Once successful, this would be a relationship forged with fire...with both sides mixing love and compassion with a deeper understanding. It is possible. It is attainable.

 

But it is so rare. And ultimately, incredibly romantic and moving. Victory!

 

Expect to give almost superhuman levels of commitment and patience to pull it off. On both sides. Your effort will truly reflect the motivation. Do you love him enough? How about him? Is his heart too damaged to heal?

 

 

I'm not sure that's fair YGG...even if I somewhat agree with you. It can be risky to judge someone's mindset by just reading words on a monitor. To fully understand the consequences of her actions, it's probably healthy to be exposed to the gamut of judgment and personal opinion. At some point, all cheaters have to deal with it. This one is no exception. If she's serious, she'll understand, swallow it down and forge ahead. If she's weak, sensitive or defensive, then she has absolutely no chance. Then again, there is no good to be gained by insults either. It should be moderated-

 

 

Steadfast - I am here for everything - I am serious and I've stripped away everything - I am willing to take any judgements and advice. I know what I did and I'm here to try and correct myself and with that comes the good and the bad and I am strong enough to take either.

[You Go Girl]

I don't think it is fair to attack her for joining LS.

We don't know either of these people, and we were never in their bedroom or their marriage.

We only know what they tell us.

I, the eternal optimist, believe that when people come asking for help, that they want help, and are not using this opportunity to manipulate her H.

Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think so. It took courage on her part to come here.

Chastise her if you must about her infidelity behavior, but attacking her for posting on LS while she asks for HELP is truly uncalled for.

[Donewrong]

Thank you Tojas. I do know what I have done was wrong and I see from some of the posts they don't know the complete story. I have broke down every detail to Whats next about my affair - and thats what matters.. and I am open to answer and re-answer any questions he may have.

[Donewrong]

I don't think it is fair to attack her for joining LS.

We don't know either of these people, and we were never in their bedroom or their marriage.

We only know what they tell us.

I, the eternal optimist, believe that when people come asking for help, that they want help, and are not using this opportunity to manipulate her H.

Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think so. It took courage on her part to come here.

Chastise her if you must about her infidelity behavior, but attacking her for posting on LS while she asks for HELP is truly uncalled for.

 

Thanks YGG - especially when it was my H who encourgaed me to do so! I didn't sneak around - he gave me the site and said go find my thread and post if I'd like.

[lkjh]

Im sorry but you keep saying you are an open book now and you have been completely honest but I dont see that. You lied to him about the affair, he found out through other means, when he found out he called you while you were in another country with the OM, and he still had to press you for details. Non of that shows someone who voluntarily gave up info

 

Didn't you have a EA earlier in your relationship? Or was that the same affair and you just tried to downplay it?

[PWSX3]

I had an affair & yes it is like a drug & you have NO clue what you are doing. The only thing you are doing is looking out for yourself, you don't even see what the consequences will be for your actions.

 

No, what you did was not right, but I feel that doesn't mean the end of the world.....It might be the end of your marriage but the biggest thing is like you said; try & figure out why you did it. You will be surprised that it's not because your stbxh wasn't giving you something....We shouldn't look to others to make us happy, so what made you do it was our own doing......

 

I would suggest a Christian counselor, I would also suggest you see if a local church is offering Divorce Care. I took the class twice & the first time I was just separated with my now former wife, but it teaches you more things then just divorce.

 

As for the stbxh, I understand you are pissed and you are titled to that, but after the hurt & pain goes a way & you really start looking at yourself you might be able to do the counseling.

 

I was married 28 years, wife left me, a year after the divorce she is wanting to reconcile & I'm dragging my feet. I heard on the radio the other day the only reason people don't reconcile is; pride & selfishness and that would be me....

 

You don't have to get divorced, you can live separate for a year or whatever & do the work on yourself, then see what happens. Even in my case after a year things do change if people try to better themselves....

[lkjh]

Didn't you also cheat under the guise of a "girls weekend"? If your friends helped you cover up this cheating you might want to drop them

[Donewrong]

Didn't you also cheat under the guise of a "girls weekend"? If your friends helped you cover up this cheating you might want to drop them

 

I did use a girls weekend. They girls had no idea I was going and was going to seperate myself from them and actually Wats Next has access to my email and ha seen correspodance to these friends. They had no idea. That was all my doing.

[You Go Girl]

I had an affair & yes it is like a drug & you have NO clue what you are doing.

I was married 28 years, wife left me, a year after the divorce she is wanting to reconcile & I'm dragging my feet. I heard on the radio the other day the only reason people don't reconcile is; pride & selfishness and that would be me....

 

..

PWSX3--

I just have to ask, why so much pride and selfishness, if it was you who had the affair?

I don't really see this as off-topic, because reconciliation at some point is what the OP wants, even though whatsnext has stated divorce is imminent.

Why do you think you are dragging your feet?

Insight perhaps into us all....

[trippi1432]

You will be surprised that it's not because your stbxh wasn't giving you something

 

I'm just going to cut to the chase...forgo the drama....W_N/DW..something PW says here I will steal.....neither of you were giving of each other!!! You will never find anything of value until you both lay down your pride and find humbleness, love and kindness in each other. It's not about who was right and who was wrong...this is about a marriage and what it can withstand.

 

I've known women who put up with men in the most horrid of ways...I will say that there are not many men who I have witnessed do the same...rare and few, but this is not about wills...it's about the marriage and the love of someone who means more than just a piece of paper.

 

DW - you did something that you feel remorse for..but you have to atone for that...but not doing it losing your self respect....W_N....been reading your thread and see you from my side...not a perfect angel either...no marriage is perfect and we can all say leave each other which is the easy answer....really...would you BOTH be on LS if you wanted BOTH wanted that? Do you both need space...do you both need to really talk and LISTEN to each other...YES.

 

Neutral territory....a child in the middle (yeah, been there too) the strongest marriages I have seen put the love of their spouse first and kept the kids out of the middle. They did this by knowing each other without anything else getting in the way...that made them better parents to their child by being strong....together.

[trippi1432]

So he will never find happiness if he leaves his wife? I thought a lot of people on here say that you, at the end of the day are responsible for your own happiness.

 

 

 

Yea, you're right. Not many men will put up with this behavior. When a woman cheats its harder for a man to forgive. Obviously the love wasn't enough.

 

 

 

Leaving is not always the easy answer, its just another alternative. If a BS feels that there is too much deceit for them to handle does that make them wrong to want to divorce? Since when is it wrong to not want to work with a cheating spouse?

 

 

 

Oh yea. The child wasn't just in the middle, it was dragged across the world.

 

 

While I understand your side from a child's point of view....if a husband and wife do not put each other first in a marriage..well, what does that really teach a child?

 

I have learned more from both of my parents that children grow up and leave the nest...and discontent abounds because the child was first....it's admirable, but it's wrong. When you marry...you commit yourself to that person for longer than you will be a parent...there is a separation of loving your spouse and loving your child. As a selfless being...we as children should respect that.

[Steadfast]

 

I was married 28 years, wife left me, a year after the divorce she is wanting to reconcile & I'm dragging my feet. I heard on the radio the other day the only reason people don't reconcile is; pride & selfishness and that would be me....

 

 

I have made a serious effort to _not_ comment on other people's posts, but I have to make an exception this time.

 

In regards to the above in bold: bullsh*t.

 

There are one million reason and more why people don't reconcile, and 99.9% of them are correct and advisable. I mean it. In the case of infidelity, ALL trust and personal consideration has been broken. This one physical act is the result of much thought and consideration; a concise, clear decision. I believe those who say they are judgment impaired or living in a fog, but the reality is they ran to that place of their own free will. This CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be held against the betrayed, should he or she decide that trust and love has been irrevocably broken.

 

This is not only held as standard by the courts, but by God's Word.

 

We are responsible for ourselves only. Don't let some misguided moralist tell you otherwise. Man(kind) does not have to let his soul and character be slaughtered to prove he is capable of love and forgiveness.

 

Otherwise, if both sides can come together, if it's genuine and selfless, then something wondrous has occurred. This should be encouraged IMO.