MikNomis Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Sorry it's long, but if anyone wants to read my recent conversation I had with my ex, can I get some feedback perhaps? Thanks So the situation is that our relationship started going downhill because she stopped caring about it. We had a few serious talks and like 2 breakups in one week until she got drunk at a frat party and made out with another guy, in which I tried to forgive, but it stuck with me and I talked to her and we agreed to break up. We broke up on 9/1, but she messaged me on 9/4 saying how sorry she is and telling me everything she'll do differently for sure. I told her that's cool but I need to sleep on it. The following quote is our conversation on 9/6. I am S and she is L. Thanks! (5:18:48 AM) S: Hey L, are you there? (5:18:53 AM) L: yea (5:19:06 AM) S: What are you doing up this late? (5:19:09 AM) L: study (5:19:11 AM) L: you? (5:19:24 AM) S: I don't know, I'm just up in general lol. (5:19:27 AM) L: ohh (5:19:55 AM) S: Earlier, I didn't get to to talk to you enough. (5:20:10 AM) L: oh yea (5:20:51 AM) S: Maybe now's not a good time because you're studying? (5:21:22 AM) L: no its fine (5:21:23 AM) L: whats up (12:14:04 PM) L: youre done thinking? (12:15:02 PM) S: Hmmm I think so (12:15:13 PM) L: Oh ok (12:15:25 PM) L: Sorry I am not.. responsive (12:15:47 PM) L: I would be more curious but I am just so anxious for my test because I have found out recently its cumulative (12:15:58 PM) L: and I haven't been showing up to lectures so I dont know anything (12:16:44 PM) S: Lol I don't mind. (12:17:01 PM) L: Anyway (12:17:04 PM) L: May I know now (12:17:08 PM) L: or you want to talk in person? (12:17:34 PM) S: It doesn't exactly have to be in person does it? (12:17:56 PM) L: not really. (12:18:45 PM) S: So do you still stand by everything you said? (12:18:53 PM) L: Yes (12:21:39 PM) S: I'm going to get to have Old L back? (12:21:53 PM) L: Not sure.. (12:22:13 PM) L: More like a new, revised L? (12:22:55 PM) S: Does the new, revised L have her issues resolved? (12:23:25 PM) L: You make me sound crazy talking in 3rd person about me. (12:23:34 PM) S: Lol (12:23:42 PM) L: but um.. L will try to be fine. (12:23:43 PM) L: haha (12:23:53 PM) L: I mean I cant completely get rid of it (12:24:04 PM) L: but I will put my best effort to eliminate them one by one. (12:25:04 PM) S: In that case, I want to try it one last time. (12:25:13 PM) L: you sure? (12:26:40 PM) L: but wouldnt you regret (12:26:49 PM) L: if i changed for a bit and stopped changing? (12:27:20 PM) S: Yes, because that's not what you said would happen. (12:27:45 PM) L: idk S (12:27:55 PM) S: What's up. (12:27:56 PM) L: I really want to try and change and make things better stay happy with you (12:28:14 PM) L: but on the other side (12:28:29 PM) L: i am scared what if we both dont get the results (12:28:44 PM) L: and i feel bad because I have messed up several times (12:29:30 PM) L: i was actually more scared that what if we got back together and if we break up once again it will be a bad breakup, you know (12:29:47 PM) L: those things crossed my mind before and i didnt just realize them now (12:29:57 PM) S: Yup, it's just that you sounded sooo sure of yourself. (12:29:58 PM) L: but i still wanted to try but idk so many fearssss (12:31:32 PM) L: but i do not mean those words any less (12:34:45 PM) L: the reason i tell you all this (12:34:56 PM) L: is I want to try it whether the results are good or bad (12:35:04 PM) L: but I am not sure if you are willing to risk that (12:37:07 PM) S: Yeah like (12:40:06 PM) L: Also, I want to know what you want from our relationship. (12:40:59 PM) S: What do I want? Pretty much be happy and have good times. (12:41:11 PM) S: What do you want? (12:41:26 PM) L: be happy and just learn (12:41:38 PM) L: i guess we are pretty much on the same boat for what we want (12:41:50 PM) S: Yes we are lol. (12:41:50 PM) L: and (12:41:53 PM) L: I want to get married (12:41:55 PM) L: earlY! (12:42:01 PM) L: very early. (12:42:02 PM) S: LOL what the (12:42:18 PM) L: maybe when im 23 (12:42:21 PM) L: ish (12:42:55 PM) L: haha im kidding foo (12:42:59 PM) L: fool* (12:42:59 PM) L: hahaha (12:43:03 PM) S: HAHAHA (12:43:13 PM) L: you were speechless there S! (12:43:15 PM) L: I am a bit hurt (12:43:26 PM) L: I CAN BE A GREAT WIFE (12:43:33 PM) L: that can kick your butt (12:43:34 PM) S: Oh my lol. (12:43:53 PM) L: anyway. that was a joke, dont take any of that seriously ahha (12:44:05 PM) L: too early for that heh (12:44:12 PM) L: anyway (12:51:13 PM) S: So like, you want to change, but aren't sure if you will? (12:52:10 PM) L: hm (12:52:12 PM) L: yea (12:54:12 PM) S: To me, that's a sign that you're not ready yet. (12:54:42 PM) L: why are you changing your font? (12:55:06 PM) S: It is? I pressed something earlier (12:55:09 PM) L: oh (12:55:10 PM) L: yea (12:55:15 PM) L: its a lot bigger (12:55:27 PM) S: OK (12:55:32 PM) L: oh ok (12:55:33 PM) L: well (12:55:56 PM) L: then (12:56:00 PM) L: i guess (12:56:06 PM) L: we will go on with our break (12:57:20 PM) S: Yeah, I think that's the right thing to do if you want to grow. (12:57:35 PM) L: that's a bummer (12:58:16 PM) L: sometimes i think i talk to much =( (12:58:25 PM) S: Haha (12:58:26 PM) L: if i had stopped it there you would have stayed with me hehe (12:58:53 PM) S: I think it's much better that you said everything honestly. (12:59:02 PM) L: yea (12:59:12 PM) L: i didnt want to hurt you once more (12:59:17 PM) L: or disappoint you (12:59:31 PM) L: ahhh (12:59:32 PM) L: like (12:59:38 PM) L: a part of me wants to do everything (1:00:00 PM) L: but then another part of me is too scared and idk (1:00:18 PM) S: That right there is the sign. (1:00:55 PM) S: The sign that you need to take a step back from everything. You're overwhelming yourself. (1:01:36 PM) L: hm youre right (1:02:07 PM) L: well (1:02:13 PM) L: theres no doubt in one thing tho (1:02:25 PM) L: that i like you veeeeeeeeeeeery much :-) hohoho (1:02:53 PM) L: Well, if we see each other around, don't be a jerk and say hi. (1:02:57 PM) S: Haha thanks. (1:03:14 PM) S: OK lol. (1:03:15 PM) L: I will talk to you in the future, S. Sorry for wasting your time. (1:03:30 PM) L: and wasting some of your brain cells to think so hard about this (1:03:34 PM) S: It wasn't a waste of time. (1:03:53 PM) L: Ok well I am sorry to keep changing my mind (1:04:04 PM) L: I am a very indecisive little person. (1:04:37 PM) S: I think you'll learn (1:04:44 PM) L: ? (1:04:50 PM) L: to not be indecisive? (1:04:59 PM) S: Yeah lol (1:05:14 PM) L: ive been like that all my life. (1:05:24 PM) L: I was the indecisive and not-knowing girl. (1:05:25 PM) L: haha (1:06:22 PM) S: OK then you are screwed lol (1:06:43 PM) L: x_____x (1:06:44 PM) L: thanks! (1:07:13 PM) S: (1:07:37 PM) L: aw S (1:07:45 PM) L: see (1:07:59 PM) L: i hate my "bipolariness" (1:08:21 PM) S: It's a relationship destroyer for sure. (1:08:32 PM) L: =-O (1:08:51 PM) S: Unless you were just kidding (1:09:13 PM) L: bout (1:09:33 PM) S: being bipolar (1:10:15 PM) L: the thing with me (1:10:19 PM) L: is I am never ever sure (1:10:26 PM) L: I am always 90%b sure (1:10:32 PM) L: in 99% of my cases (1:11:57 PM) S: Can you say you truly tried to get rid of it. (1:12:05 PM) L: rid of (1:13:07 PM) L: ? (1:13:22 PM) S: The problem you just described (1:13:46 PM) L: I dont know how (1:13:48 PM) L: =X (1:14:07 PM) L: In my mind, I question myself "what if?" alot (1:14:12 PM) L: and thats the reason I am so indecisive (1:15:35 PM) S: That basically worrying too much. (1:16:05 PM) S: When you find yourself worrying tell yourself stop. (1:17:30 PM) L: hm its hard (1:17:43 PM) L: cuz then i feel like i did not think bout it much (1:18:35 PM) L: Hey S sorry to interrupt.. look this is one of the questions for my quiz (1:18:36 PM) L: Which of the following periods are included in the Mesozoic era? (1:18:46 PM) L: and one of the choice was Mississippian, Pennsylvanian (1:18:48 PM) L: lol! (1:19:01 PM) L: sorry had to tell you before i submitted answer lol (1:19:01 PM) S: Haha (1:19:42 PM) S: Anyway, yeah it's all about balance. Learn what it means to be worrying too much and too little. (1:21:14 PM) L: I will keep that in mind. Thanks (1:21:25 PM) S: Mmkay. (1:22:20 PM) L: so (1:22:28 PM) L: would you say i am thinking too much about this? (1:25:41 PM) S: What exactly? (1:25:54 PM) L: the whole thing about us (1:25:59 PM) L: cuz you see i want to be with you (1:26:19 PM) L: but then i start thinking more and more and im scared like what if i fail? what if he regrets it? what if blabla (1:28:03 PM) S: You can worry about those kinds of things, because you have a reason which is that we broke up several times and this is the last time. (1:28:47 PM) S: But you should ask yourself why did that happen in the first place and focus on getting to the root of the problem and fixing that. (1:29:10 PM) S: After you fix that, now you're more confident in this situation so you will worry less. (1:30:00 PM) L: I know the problem (1:30:58 PM) S: And now you must fix! (1:35:11 PM) L: S (1:35:30 PM) L: I am not sure if you agree since we both have different ways of thoughts and solutions (1:36:04 PM) L: but would you like to see where it goes? Of course, I will try hard. But, if it doesn't work, we at least tried the last time. you know? (1:36:30 PM) L: I know what the arising problem was so I will try to fix that.. (1:37:20 PM) L: I know you are the type of guy to try to minimize the chance of getting hurt and from making a mistake but sometimes it is worth to make that stupid mistake and learn from it.. you know? (1:39:57 PM) S: If I have a good reason to believe the relationship will fail, then I'm not going to go for it. (1:40:08 PM) L: Ok. (1:56:42 PM) L: Well (1:57:12 PM) L: I am going to delete you. I thought I would be able to not do anything but I cannot come across your name and not think about what you are up to (1:57:24 PM) L: anyway.. may I come on wednesday? (1:57:32 PM) L: to pick up the test? (1:57:42 PM) S: Oh yeah sure. (1:57:52 PM) L: Ok I will text you on my way back. (1:58:01 PM) L: Bye, S. (1:58:17 PM) S: OK goodbye L. (2:05:50 PM) L: So, you really dont want to try at all? (2:06:30 PM) S: I don't think you're understanding where I'm coming from. (2:06:52 PM) L: I dont think you understand where I come from either. (2:07:15 PM) L: you know, we have a way different level of maturity and ways to deal with things (2:07:32 PM) L: so I guess that's that. I was just asking one simple last question to make sure. (2:07:45 PM) S: Hold on (2:07:45 PM) L: I see that your answer is a no. So I am gonna go and stop wasting both of our times. (2:07:56 PM) L: yes? (2:09:26 PM) L: you are the type of person to think it thorough and if you know there's no chance then that's it, you drop the situation. whereas, I am not like that. I may be unsure many times in my decisions and that might be my biggest problem and my way of thinking is anything is possible and maybe with a little bit of try its possible to work things out again (2:09:52 PM) L: I am the person that likes to try even if it may be leading to almost failure. but what if on the way we fall so deeply in love that it changes everything (2:09:56 PM) L: idk that was just an example (2:10:19 PM) L: maybe i am just immature and rely on hope and miracles too much and you rely on facts. (2:10:58 PM) L: I am sure, since we have different, very different ways to deal with this I am very sure that we will have more and more problems in the future where I will want to try (2:11:00 PM) L: and you wont. (2:12:28 PM) L: I somewhat knew it was gonna fail. But I still believed that maybe something would change and it would work out. (2:12:38 PM) L: I believe in "everything happens for a reason" (2:12:52 PM) L: so if it didnt and we tried thats good because at least we know now better than waste our times. (2:13:24 PM) L: but whatever that is just my point of view of things. sorry if it seemed like I am angry or whatever but I am just putting the facts down from my own perspective. (2:13:43 PM) S: It's okay I like hearing what you have to say. (2:13:53 PM) L: I dont care if you think I am being stupid and wasting my time with the way I deal with things but I like it my way because I gave it a shot (2:14:21 PM) L: unlike you who is too conservative of time and try to minimize the chance of making a mistake (2:14:42 PM) L: By the way, you learn from mistakes. That's why I am making mistakes now so I can grow into a better person in the future (2:15:24 PM) L: I thought about thinking like you and learning from other people's experience and of course I will take that in consideration but at the same time I'd rather be stupid and hurt myself because I know I will get great results (2:15:39 PM) L: it might be getting out of topic but I DONT CARE! > (2:15:52 PM) S: :x (2:16:54 PM) S: But I'm the one getting hurt from your mistakes. (2:17:25 PM) L: i know but you think i want to keep hurting you (2:17:26 PM) L: ? (2:17:39 PM) L: i made stupid mistakes and i realized that i hurt you (2:18:00 PM) L: and i, MY FREAKING SELF, tried to convince you to break up with me when i didnt want to (2:18:16 PM) L: you erally dont think i am sorry? (2:18:24 PM) S: Of course I do. (2:18:34 PM) L: you may say a cheater will always be a cheater (2:18:44 PM) L: and that is great that you believe that and have that mentality (2:18:57 PM) S: I never said that. (2:19:02 PM) L: yea you did (2:19:20 PM) L: djaskfhajsfhajf (2:19:21 PM) L: ugh (2:19:25 PM) S: I don't think so. (2:19:42 PM) L: ok well if i ever made a mistake in the future wouldnt be anything that i have done in the past for sure. (2:20:17 PM) S: OK so like (2:20:45 PM) S: You realized there's things you need to do, so you let me go for my sake. (2:21:10 PM) S: So why did you go back on that decision and try to get back together already? (2:21:21 PM) S: First, you think it's best if we break up, then 4 days later you don't think that anymore? (2:22:07 PM) L: because i thought maybe i could make you happy because i did once and that we could make better memories from there since if we got thru this we would be a stronger couple (2:22:44 PM) L: Yes, I change my mind several times a day Sorry it makes you suffer. (2:22:55 PM) L: maybe I should stop being selfish for once and just let you go right? (2:23:35 PM) L: maybe you should just go ahead, be more cautious, find a better girl with a better mentality and wont mess up so much (2:28:55 PM) S: Do you remember what you said to me 2 nights ago? (2:29:09 PM) L: nop. (2:29:31 PM) S: All the things you said about what you'd do differently for sure and stuff? (2:29:38 PM) L: oh yea (2:30:30 PM) S: You sounded so sure and resolved that it took me by surprise. (2:31:14 PM) S: But look, just 1 day later and you say you're not sure anymore, and ask me things like what if I screw up and stuff. (2:31:34 PM) S: That tells me you're not that sure of what you will do at all. (2:32:12 PM) S: And if that's true, then that means nothing has changed yet. (2:32:25 PM) L: ok. (2:34:06 PM) L: That ok wasnt a sarcastic ok (2:34:16 PM) L: It was a more like ok keep going (2:34:19 PM) S: Ohhh (2:34:19 PM) L: sort of ok. (2:34:21 PM) L: hahaha (2:34:25 PM) S: Sorry lol (2:34:33 PM) L: no i am sure it seemed that way (2:34:38 PM) L: im not that bitchy S (2:34:52 PM) L: only when i am in serious time of the month (2:35:01 PM) S: OK OK (2:35:15 PM) S: So like, I don't have to be 100% sure of things all the time (2:35:19 PM) S: I take my chances too (2:36:11 PM) S: When you first told me you didn't know if you could be my girlfriend anymore, I felt like things were going to keep going downhill if I stayed in it. (2:36:25 PM) S: So that's what I said when I talked it out with you. (2:36:54 PM) S: But you ended up telling me you wanted to work on it, and though in my experience I wasn't sure, I agreed to work on it. (2:37:00 PM) S: I took a chance on it again and again. (2:37:12 PM) L: You know (2:37:16 PM) L: to be very honest with you (2:37:23 PM) L: 2 days ago thing (2:37:30 PM) L: I was being the most sincere I could ever be (2:37:38 PM) L: I wanted to do all those (2:37:41 PM) L: but (2:37:49 PM) L: As I asked for outside opinion everyone told me (2:37:53 PM) L: it's too soon (2:37:55 PM) L: think about it more (2:38:02 PM) L: its not fair for S (2:38:07 PM) L: you must think it thorough (2:38:09 PM) L: and you know (2:38:12 PM) L: that made me confused (2:38:32 PM) L: it's sort of like a dream breaker. like you tell someone a dream and that person is like (2:38:37 PM) L: come up with a plan B (2:38:50 PM) L: thats why i started thinking about what if i cant do it (2:39:07 PM) L: and all that because if it was only for me i am positive and confident that i can do that (2:40:47 PM) S: People were telling you to think about it thoroughly because you have a history of not doing that and it gets you into trouble (2:41:55 PM) S: And by the way, when people told you it's too soon think about it more, how would make you wonder what if I can't do it? (2:42:27 PM) L: not that part, the part where they said to think it thooooorughlt (2:42:31 PM) L: thorough (2:42:44 PM) S: Oh yeah. (2:42:47 PM) L: thats what started poppin questions into my head (2:42:56 PM) S: You know why (2:43:57 PM) L: No matter how much time i put into a thought, i always choose the wrong one (2:44:25 PM) L: Not once have I not regretted my decision (2:44:34 PM) L: I always end up regrettin a little bit in the end (2:44:47 PM) S: What do you regret now? (2:44:55 PM) L: about what (2:45:03 PM) L: tell me a decision that i made (2:45:05 PM) L: and i will tell you (2:45:53 PM) S: Oh never mind I thought you were talking about something specific when you were talking about regret. (2:46:06 PM) L: nop (2:46:11 PM) L: just my decisions = regret (2:47:14 PM) S: But like, in reality, when people get back together quickly without first changing, it almost always doesn't work out. (2:48:26 PM) S: Because they want to stay in a relationship or are scared of the other person moving on, they try to hold on to them and make compromises like I'll try to change while I'm still with you. (2:48:55 PM) S: I've seen many people try that, but nothing change. So have the people you are getting opinions from. (2:49:27 PM) S: That's why we say think it thoroughly, to make sure that you're not another one of those people. (2:49:39 PM) L: ugh (2:49:42 PM) L: i am cursed (2:49:48 PM) L: anyway (2:49:55 PM) L: Ok i get it (2:50:13 PM) S: Did you think about it thoroughly though? (2:52:05 PM) L: i dont know (2:54:18 PM) L: S (2:54:20 PM) L: you are right (2:54:27 PM) L: it would be useless to get back together (2:54:36 PM) L: nevermind everything (2:56:10 PM) S: It would only be useless if things stayed the same (3:02:00 PM) L: S (3:02:04 PM) L: I suck at relationships (3:02:57 PM) S: Me too haha. (3:04:08 PM) L: So.. (3:04:16 PM) L: we're not gettin back together right? (3:05:10 PM) S: I need you to first really think so very hard if you're actually ready. (3:05:24 PM) L: i want to be with you :-( (3:06:07 PM) S: I understand that, and I do too. But you must realize that though that's important, that's not all there is to making it work. (3:06:30 PM) L: i know (3:08:06 PM) S: I think you shouldn't worry so much about relationships and just try to take it easy first. (3:09:54 PM) L: =( (3:12:24 PM) L: you are right (3:12:32 PM) L: I shouldnt jump into relationships (3:12:46 PM) L: Well, baby S, I had fun while it lasted :-) (3:13:06 PM) S: :>
Simon Attwood Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Simon, I don't think you understand where you are coming from either. You plonker
Author MikNomis Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 What do you mean? I don't get it, please explain :<
Simon Attwood Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 What do you mean? I don't get it, please explain :< You told her that she didn't understand where you are coming from. I don't think you understand where you are coming from either. perhaps Bertrand Russell said it best in "Conquest of happiness"; Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
Author MikNomis Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Ah, I see what you mean now. You're right, I'm very cautious of her since we have broken up 2 or 3 times already recently. I was thinking that like in order to put a stop to this bad cycle, we need to take a time out and try to resolve our issues before getting back together. Am I mistaken about this? Should I have believed everything she was saying and get back together with her, though it's only been 5 days since the break up? My conflict is this: She says she'll try to do things differently and work on her issues, but it's hard for me to imagine anything having changed in just 5 days. What can I do about this? If I'm wrong about this, do you think I should contact her and apologize and ask to get back together?
Simon Attwood Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 My conflict is this: She says she'll try to do things differently and work on her issues, but it's hard for me to imagine anything having changed in just 5 days. What can I do about this? Ask yourself this; "what's the worse that could happen?" If I'm wrong about this, do you think I should contact her and apologize and ask to get back together? You can never know if you are wrong or right if you never attempt in the first place; 1. "what's the worse that could happen?" 2. "what's the best thing that could happen?"
fabio10 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Man she hung out an olive branch bigtime...I dont see what more you want her to do ! If you want to get back together you must wipe the slate clean and treat it as if its when you first starting dating otherwise the thoughts of what happened in the past will tear the early foundations down ! Nothing ventured nothing gained ! I'd say go for it but take it slow and call the shots !
Billie The Puppet Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 You have got what mist of us broken hearted people on ls want another chance. I'd kill for that right now. Ask yourself is she worth the pain? I ask my self the very same question daily but I don't have the ex wanting me back and I can answer I'd be willing to bare this pain 1000 times if it meant we were to be together 1001 times and I know I'll get one of those replies saying I need to respect myself more than that but there is just something about my ex that makes me weak in the knees.
Banker Chick Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I think you did the right thing. My ex and I broke up a month ago and we've maintained contact because it's complicated. BUT, while part of me wants to be back together, there were issues and I'm mature enough to know that it's easy to just jump back into it but sometimes you have to give it some time for both people to gain some perspective and figure out if it will truly work again. If nothing gets fixed and she doesn't understand you're serious that these are issues she needs to work on, then nothing will change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Very true. Plus, it's human nature when someone is walking away for the other person's ego to rear its ugly head and make promises just to keep it together. You have to make sure they aren't just empty promises.
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