Caradavine Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Then, my fiance and I got into one of our regular fights over his staying at work until 5 am. He works late for free, with no credit, as an assistant manager, and I don't understand why. I have checked on him more than once, and it really was just him working and he does have a bit of the ADD going on, so I guess that explains it. Anyway, we were also planning on IVF for September 29th. So, I'm doing my normal, "How are you going to be a husband and father if you keep working these hours (he goes in at 3 pm)?" and he just doesn't seem to care at all. I carry on (I'm a teacher, so I tend to lecture), and he gets angry. He tells me he never wanted to marry me, never plans to, and has been waiting for me to get a clue. The dress is purchased (we both paid half), and the rings are purchased (we paid for each other's rings), but he did not yet purchase a tux or make arrangements for the honeymoon. He tells me he is not ready to marry me or anyone, and just wants to be alone. He says that he loves me, but not enough, and that he doesn't think I'm the one. I cry, beg, everything, to no avail. The day before that, he had just professed a deep love for me, and we had a wonderful "date" night that week as well which was romantic and fun - a rarity these days for us. I wake up the day after the argument; it is apparent that this time is different and he is sticking by it this time, so I packed some things and went to mom's house. I now have an apartment in the works (my mom and dad sprung for it, dam*it, and it is non-refundable, so I'm kind of stuck there.) Everyone in my family and friends were begging me not to marry him before this happened because I was not having any needs met - he had been majorly slacking off in our relationship for over a year. He doesn't help around the house, but does a great job of making messes, and he would rather spend time watching TV and playing console games than being with me. I demanded that he give me time, and sometimes he would, but then he would go right back to it and would get a bad meanstreak (verbally) when confronted about not keeping his word. However, I deeply love him and want nothing more than to be his wife. We spoke a few times since then, and he needs "time to think" about what I am to him and what he wants. He says he is very confused about everything, and that he is suffering from me not being there. I don't buy it for the most part because I am seeing no effort to regain the relationship (it's only been about a week since I left) or to keep in contact with me (I call him, for example). And he still plays his blasted games. I was going to get married to him and have his children and it was all going to begin this month, and now I'm alone, heartbroken, confused, and angry. How could this possibly happen? I am highly intelligent and I have no qualms getting what I want out of life. With him, I was even willing to try to mold myself into something else just to please him but I kept failing at it, knowing it was unhealthy and wrong, but I was so desperate for things to get better. I know he loves me, but this is the third time he's postponed/called off the wedding in three years. We met in an online game, and we "dated" for a year online before he moved here from another state. I am rambling and most likely not making sense. Nothing makes sense. When things are good, he is the best man to me, and I really can't imagine being happier with anyone else ever. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. I have caught myself texting and calling him, and he doesn't seem so interested in responding, really. I called him around 3 am because he'd said he would call me tonight. He stated that he was planning to call me later, and seemed to realize time had passed more than he thought (playing his online game). He said he doesn't want everything to just end. He said he wants no one else at all, just me. I don't understand! He said he will make a point to call me tomorrow, but I am not going to contact him anymore no matter how much my texting fingers itch. I have to stay away if I want even an iota of a chance at him realizing that he's missing out on something special by losing me! This is so painful. I would have journaled this, but I don't have permission to access the sidebar. I had to get it out to something other than him; he says it is just confusing him more to hear my thoughts/feelings on the whole thing and he feels guilty.
Lovebone Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 So, wait.....are we talking about a real wedding?....or like, a virtual world-of-warcraft-in-a-dungeon wedding? lol Seriously though, it sounds like your campaign has been betrundled by 3 waves of incoming Level 6 trolls before the Great Black Dragon of Elderon has even begun to fire its Level 7 firebeam upon your village.* *Translated from Nerd to English: "It sounds like your relationship is already kinda doomed from the start, being he has stood you up at the altar 3 times already, and he is so unattentive already. Do you really think this would make for a good marriage? Juat sayin.
Author Caradavine Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Haha, it was a real wedding, although we were also going to have a virtual one (I figured revealing that would make you laugh). I understood your somewhat confusing attempt at nerd talk without a translation. I know what you are saying, and I've heard it a hundred times. It is one of the many "reasons" he has for not wanting the relationship. He says I can do better, and that he can't meet my needs or make me happy. It is just that he can do it when he tries, and I keep thinking maybe some epiphany will occur and then he will be more consistent with it. I also think that I need too much. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I suffer from a huge fear of abandonment to the point that I push him away through negative behavior when I really want him to be closer. It is not an excuse or a label, but a fact that I've learned to accept about myself, and have been taking huge steps to work on my behaviors and thoughts in order to be worthy of marriage and relationships. I tend to focus on the negative, focus on what has not been done, and I tend to focus on what I need or what I'm not getting. I mean, really.... it just sounds bad all around doesn't it? But, we both have good qualities that bring out some of the most loving moments that I've never felt or experienced before, and I have been married once before without ever having felt like this! I have many flaws that take some major patience and love to put up with and he does that as well as he can. I also have a trust issue so I am always checking up on him, questioning his motives and activities, etc... So, you can see that I have not done well at making marriage to me a desirable outcome. I really believe that we could make it together if we both worked on our issues. He was abused as a child, and he has some antisocial symptoms that tend to get in the way/get scary sometimes. He has intense rage/anger and he tends to find solace in avoidance and withdrawal. So, we both just need some help. I know I probably just single-handedly made us both sound like wackos, and we kind of are, but we are good people who are struggling with real issues, too. There has to be hope. In reality, it would not make much of a marriage for either of us where we are in our current stages of psychological development. I figured we could marry, go to counseling, and work our issues out together, but I think his main fear is that I will be what I am forever and so will he, and so we will be unhappy. However, our futures are pretty dim otherwise, because...well, there is someone for everyone, and I don't think either of us will find someone else willing to put up with our crap. Reality dictates that the relationship is unhealthy and unproductive, but my heart says that I don't want to lose him.
Ilovecake Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Sounds like you're forcibly trying to marry someone who doesn't like you or have any respect for you which means you have absolutely no respect for yourself. Marriage will not fix your problems it will only make them worse. Time to cut your losses and move on to someone who actually wants to be with you.
BB07 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 He says I can do better, and that he can't meet my needs or make me happy. Reality dictates that the relationship is unhealthy and unproductive, but my heart says that I don't want to lose him. The above comes from your post, you need to read it and read it again. You already have your answers. I'm sorry and I know you are hurting and confused but from what you've said, marrying him would be a mistake for both of you. Do move on, there is someone out there who is better suited for you and you for them. You shouldn't settle for something that is not going to be anything near what you really want, and neither should he. Just because you love someone and they love you does not mean it can work, sometimes love is just not enough.
Author Caradavine Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 I waited for over five years after my divorce, and even was celibate. I gave up on love for good, and then he came along. He was the only man who looked past my body and my face. He looked into my soul, and he loved me for who I was. I gave up my vow because I knew we were meant to be forever. I don't understand how love is not enough. So, this is what I get for completely being vulnerable and in love with someone? What is the purpose of love if it doesn't last or if it eventually fades for one of the parties involved? Without him, my chances for any of this are gone. Do you know how many times I've heard "there are other fish in the sea" or "you can do better" or "you won't be alone forever"? Do you have any idea how statistically impossible it is for everyone to have someone, especially when that someone is unattractive, intelligent, knows what she wants, and has mental issues? I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have another chance, what is the purpose in that - I will be in menopause, have no more interest in sex, and who knows what else. Yeah, there's a freaking catch. By then, I won't want to be alone and will just be settling, like many of the 40-something newlyweds out there. He was supposed to be my soul mate. Why would he say he was? Why would he say he wanted forever with me, say he wanted to grow old and that he dreamed of us being old together? Why would he say those things? I don't understand how someone can mean those things and then they just go away. I can't get over him; he is the one. He might not be what everyone envisions as the one, but he is my one. I won't have another "one" again, only those who fall short. This is it for me, he is it. I was his first everything: kiss, relationship, sex, you name it. He was living in a duplex and the other resident was his mother. He was 25 when I met him. I figured it was just immaturity from never having to take care of himself (his mother cleaned his apartment for him) or having ever been in a relationship before. I figured time would solve it. His brother and best friend had died four years before I met him, too, so he was struggling with so many issues. I figured he just doesn't know how to love or how to do the right thing, and he gets resentful when I demand because he has a thing about authority. I figured he'd grow out of it. I am afraid if I give up that I will lose the one. I am trying No Contact, this will be day one. He said he would call me before he goes to bed at 6 am. He hasn't asked me to come back or anything, but he says he doesn't want it all to be over either. He says he feels like he does and doesn't want to be with me, marry me, have sex with me, and love me. I know he is not the best, but he is the best for me. I have been married once and had a handful of boyfriends, and none of them came close to fulfilling my needs and life like he has. I don't want to be going through this , I just want him back and our life to be like it was. I wish I had never nagged him so much about his work hours.
Author Caradavine Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Add + bpd = sol That is hilarious. It made me laugh.
Dazzel Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I am not adding much to this, but I swear this guy sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. My first boyfriend had it and I highly suspect my current one has it too. :/ Do some research on it and see if he compares. That might even answer a whole lot of your questions regarding his decisions. But in my opinion, this marriage seems like it's doomed. He's bailed out of marriage three times. That's not good. I know it's not what you want to hear, and I am sorry.
Author Caradavine Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 He definitely has it. I researched it, and I sent him links I found including a powerpoint about relationships. We've been talking for about two days, and he does not want to end everything, but he doesn't know what he wants, either. He definitely wants space. It makes so much of a difference knowing that all of this is not personal to me. I was getting emotionally drained from it all. Now I see that there is help and hope. Even if we don't get back together, you have not only helped me but you have helped him to realize that maybe he is not so bad after all. Thank you. He said he would want me to move back in if I wanted to, and I have an apartment in works for Monday. I went to him last night and asked, though, and he stated that he needed 2 or 3 weeks of us living separately. Being that I was now aware of the fact that he might be Aspie, it makes more sense, but I still don't understand how he couldn't just want me back now. He can't explain it, says it just doesn't feel right otherwise. He also said he is working on a surprise for me at our house. So, I am shelling out my entire paycheck to move elsewhere short term. I am not happy about it, and I'm not hopeful about our future right now or his want of me, but I will see what happens. I told him if he cannot give me a real, true answer on why I can't be there for 2/3 weeks in a couple of days, that I am not sticking around. I asked him to please try to figure it out. He is supposedly looking through what I sent him now, but he is infinitely lazy and obsessed with completely completing Alan Wake right now, so who knows.He had mentioned that he wasn't calling or making an effort to get me back because he knew I'd call and that he will get me back in the end, so I'm not calling him again or returning calls (although I will answer if I'm there when he calls), and I am definitely going to make sure he wants this before I leave the place I shelled out so much money for. I might even stay longer just to make him sweat; I don't like that he thinks I'll just drop everything or be there when he isn't - I want him to realize that he can lose me, too. I will be careful about it; I have to start building up to live with him again using this new knowledge so that it can be better and maybe I won't be whining/crying/begging all the time since I know it is more of a can't instead of won't.
Author Caradavine Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 I'm moving back in tomorrow, the date we were supposed to get married. After researching it, the signs of his Asperger's are now glaringly obvious. I ordered a book called "The Other Side of Asperger's Syndrome," and spent a ton of money on self-help books so I won't be so over-reactive, so bpd, and maybe can even find some self-esteem. I went to visit yesterday and it went awful with me in tears most of the time while he just got angry - in other words, not much different than what it was, I guess. I told him that I would not stay in these circumstances no matter what. I am giving it six months, and if things don't improve then I'm out. I will be renting a storage unit and moving things out while I wait, just in case. It feels sad that he wants me to adapt and change so much, but then he seems extremely unwilling to see his part in our issues or why I'm upset or crying, for example because our wedding is soon and he doesn't want to discuss our future now. He says, "You just moved back in and want to start talking wedding?" as if we haven't been together for three years or weren't getting married in two days? I don't understand. He said he will do his part, that he will work on it, but then he seems mad because he thinks he "has to have Asperger's" for me to be with him, which is kinda true because otherwise he has chosen to treat me like this all this time. I am confused and drained and so completely in love with him. I hope I can make this work, but if he doesn't try then I don't think I can hold it together myself!
Thorgs Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Online games are definitely relationship killers. At least you found out before it's too late that he has an obsession with them. I'm guessing WaW? I've never played it but I have known people who have and they spend way too much time in front of a screen when they should be outside enjoying life. Once again, I am sorry for your tough times. Remember, a new tomorrow begins in our hearts. Best of luck gal.
Thorgs Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 It feels sad that he wants me to adapt and change so much. "Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile."
PixieStix Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 "Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile." Who did you steal that from? LOL just kidding!
Thorgs Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Who did you steal that from? LOL just kidding! LOL, I found it online somewhere
shayan Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I am so sorry. Listen my sister was in a similar relationship once upon a time and the guy never changed. People change yes but the way they want to change. Stop trying, I hear the begging and I feel so much sorrow for you, cause I have been there. You guys are simply incompatible
Author Caradavine Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Well, on the day of our no-longer-happening wedding, mom took us out for haircuts, I guess to cheer me up. Her effort was appreciated, but I was under impression from my last conversations with my ex that we were back together and things were going to get better. I texted him that I was coming to his work just for a minute. He texted back "Don't come." This boggled me. I told him I wanted him to see my hairdo, and I wouldn't stay, I just wanted him to see it. I called him and he hung up on me. Six hours before that, he had just told me he loved me and wanted to marry me in the Spring. I began to cry, and I asked him why he was so adamant that I not come. He said, "I don't want to see you. I want to work without my phone going off every five minutes." This was an exaggeration, but I could tell then that he was in bad mood. I went anyway, because I figured there must be a girl there or he was telling everyone we weren't together while telling me we were. I made it clear I was his fiance when I asked for him, and he pulled me outside and complimented my hair and said he was really busy. I asked him if we were ok and I still was moving back in, and he said yes, he held my hands and said he loved me. He went back in and I loudly said I loved him, too. I left. Later, I brought him a gift bag with two sacks of M&M's and a funny card about bad days. I wrote inside that I hoped it brightened his day and I was sorry his was going badly (from another conversation later that day where he told me I could visit him after everyone left work) and dropped it off at drive-through window. I said that I looked forward to seeing him that night in the card, too. When I got there later for our visit, one female co-worker pointed me out from where I park when I do come to visit, and the other female began yelling something at me, not sure what. Then William came and she was yelling after him. I asked what she said, and he lied about it (he told me later she said "Don't make a big mistake" or something like that). That pretty much cinched my fear that he was lying to them about our relationship and playing the poor victim who was being harassed or something. He took me in and informed me through our conversation that he prefers a relationship where he doesn't have to do any work to maintain it. He basically told me he saw no way it could work out. It seemed to me that he had someone else in mind, but if so, she is in for some turmoil and heartbreak with someone like him. Anyway, I convinced him to let us try to work it out like he'd said. He went all fickle again on whether he loved me or not, if I was the one or not, and so on, but he reluctantly agreed to try again. He even cried a bit, so I figured it was something to him. Well, he went back to ignoring me later that night, so I figured he is just a coward who can't stand up to guilt or something. I told him this afternoon that I was better than all this crap and was not putting up with it anymore. I made temporary living arrangements where I currently am (my mom's, god forbid, I'm living with my parents at 33 and I'm an intelligent, self-sufficient person, I am a bit ashamed), and asked him to feed my cats until I could find a place and please leave my stuff alone and I would store it, soon. No response, no anything. I am pretty sure he is not invested in us, and hasn't been for some time. I wanted to hang on because I believed we were meant to be and would have a wonderful future together. I guess it was a one-sided dream, though. I believe he wants time to get over his stim overload issues, but he doesn't realize yet that I won't go back to him because I need to be loved in a relationship, consistently, not this back-and-forth stuff, and it will take major time to heal from this pain or even forgive him. I don't think I could ever believe again that he loves me or that he is being real with me. I can't believe I gave three years of my life to a man like him. Now, I am pretty much spent up and at an age where marriage and kids is a passing possibility since it will take so long to find someone else. Plus, do I want to find someone else when I'm pretty certain no one can live in my heart like he did? I've been married once before, and I've had many failed relationships, and I've never felt like this or hurt like this. I don't want to just get a relationship and marry when it is not real for me, when my heart is pretty much gone.It would not be fair to the next man to even consider pulling him along for a ride that would probably be all-too-similar to the one I just went through.I guess it's celibacy and back to the nunnery for me. I really loved him.
sb129 Posted September 22, 2010 Posted September 22, 2010 In reality, it would not make much of a marriage for either of us where we are in our current stages of psychological development. I figured we could marry, go to counseling, and work our issues out together, but I think his main fear is that I will be what I am forever and so will he, and so we will be unhappy. However, our futures are pretty dim otherwise, because...well, there is someone for everyone, and I don't think either of us will find someone else willing to put up with our crap. Reality dictates that the relationship is unhealthy and unproductive, but my heart says that I don't want to lose him. OK, I did what you said and read your previous posts, and my opinion has only been strengthened. Once again, I am very sorry for your pain. From the other thread, it sounded like your wish for a baby overrode everything else, and from this one its obvious some major fault also lies with your ex. Its probably hard for you to see this right now, but your ex isn't the right person for you. Getting married would have been a huge mistake, he saw that, and got out. If you were making each other that miserable BEFORE you got married and had kids, there is no way getting married and becoming parents would have made you any happier. Getting married and being parents puts MORE strain on a R, not less. An already shaky R is going to be tested to the limit- it doesn't sound to me like your R would have survived having a baby. And think of the baby- do you think the environment you have described is a healthy environment for a child to grow up in? Parents with psychological disorders and issues with themselves and eachother? Honestly?
Author Caradavine Posted September 23, 2010 Author Posted September 23, 2010 No, you are right in that it would not have been a good environment. I actually brought that up to him quite a bit. I don't think he currently has the ability to be a good father right now, either, and the baby would be the only thing keeping us together. I still want a baby, though, and I know I could do well on my own with it, but it is honestly just another way for me to have him in my life and that is not a good reason. I know that, but it doesn't keep me from wishing, mourning, or any of the other loss/grief I am experiencing. If he does see that, then why is he calling me every night when he gets off work and saying that we will eventually be married with kids after we both work out our issues? I don't understand by what you mean on it strengthening your view - you still think I'm trying to only use him for sperm? I'm really not. I can use anyone for that; it being him was all based on crazy love stuff. I am now waiting until he figures things out. I can wait a year if necessary, maybe more. It still hurts and it still sucks, but I don't understand how that makes you feel that I'm that way.
sb129 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Strengthens my view that you aren't right for eachother. People who want to be with eachother don't make the other one wait around for a year. I know you think I am harsh, but it does sound to me like your ex is just too spineless to truly cut all ties- he obviously wants to have you on his terms, and his terms only. Thats not fair, and not how healthy happy relationships roll. Babies don't bring you closer together- trust me. They are wonderful joyous things, but they are also bloody hard work and men often can't appreciate how much a woman goes through to develop, give birth to and nurture a new baby. Women are often so wrapped up in their child and themselves and the physical changes they experience to notice that their partner has feelings about the situation too. These things can shake even a very strong marriage- and I know this from personal experience. I have been crazy in love with people that were wrong for me, and I have entertained notions of having their children to keep them close to me. Now I am a mother, I am SO SO SO SO glad I waited until I was in a stable, healthy relationship with someone I loved and respected and vice versa, because being a mother is tough at times, and the last thing I need right now is a crazy partner and R to boot.
sb129 Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 Anyway- I am sorry if you thought I was harsh earlier. I am sorry for all the pain you are going through, but please, you deserve more than the dregs this guy is throwing you. Either he wants you 100%, all the time, now, or not.
Redfive Posted September 23, 2010 Posted September 23, 2010 I'm sorry that you are struggling, and in turmoil. That said, I'm just going to be honest, and here's what I think. I more than likely am wrong though ... The guy knows deep down that for him it will not work, but he can't face it and cut the cord because he knows it will be painful. He comes back because the temporary pain brings him back even though he knows ultimately it will fall apart. My guess is he has low self esteem as well. The best thing to do would be to ask him If deep down he sees you two together longterm. If he says no, or doesn't know ... You have your answer.
Author Caradavine Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 Yeah, I know... sigh. I did ask him if he sees us being together long term in the future, and he said yes. He does have low self-esteem. We both have been abused as children, so things started rocky since we both have demons/baggage to deal with - and I've been dealing with mine and working on getting better since before I met him. Unfortunately, he just began discovering that he has issues with connection and emotions and doesn't seem too willing to work on it yet. I know that we aren't for each other in those ways. I do. I can't seem to let go yet, though, because I've learned in therapy that people can get over these things if they work on it. I just figure he has to get to that point. I don't need to hear any more people telling me he won't stay or we aren't compatible, and etc... I already have enough pessimism in my own head to over-rule anyone else's words, and I just want some hope. I understand being realistic, but I also need some hope. My first husband, he'd leave and come back all the time - over a span of 8 years - and the last time he left he walked me to school, kissed me, told me he loved me and would see me after work. I got home and he wasn't there. I had the police looking for him because I thought something happened. It turns out he walked over 30 miles to his old hometown and hid out at a cousin's house. The detective found out and told me that my husband was "afraid of me." Then he told me I should move on and forget the scumbag. I was really hoping not to have another man who couldn't have the balls to just lay it straight with me. It hurts so much worse when they don't just let you in on the truth or they string you along. I want to believe my current ex is not doing that because he is very odd and different, and he knows what I went through with my first husband. I can't just be that to him. I can't.
Janicee Posted September 24, 2010 Posted September 24, 2010 You two are like in a struggling game. You are still haunted by your own borderline traits, and is aggravated by his evasive and violatile acts. Nevertheless, your being constantly driven by your own insecurity will suffocate him further. If he is meant to be with you, he will look for you and chase after you. You are paying too much effort but this will do no help to the relationship. I suggest you to put more time to do lovely things with family and girl friends. Love yourself more and seek out counselling in handling the insecurity issues that are overwhemling you. If he does not match you at the end, even you two have married, there is the more complicated divorce struggle to go which sadden you. If you put being in a relationship more important than loving yourself wholeheartedly, you can't find peace in life. Human relationship is dynamic, you can't even master your own, how can you master over a dynamic relationship? Anyhow, wish you all the best!:bunny:
Author Caradavine Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 I know that, and thanks, Janicee. I haven't called him once, though, this week. He calls me. I am doing my best to let him be, and it is causing my spark of hope to die and me to struggle with whether I should just forget it or not. I don't see any evidence that losing me means much to him, and I definitely don't see him chasing me. I am getting closer to what everyone knows I should do. It really sucks because I won't be happy with anyone else. My therapist did warn me that I wasn't ready to get into a relationship until I dealt with my issues. She was right, but at 33 I'm thinking that it won't be happening soon enough for me to have the nice little white picket fence dream with the man of my dreams (him). So, what's the use, really, since I won't be happy with anyone else; why even feign to live that life anymore? I always said I was going to be a spinster or cat lady, lol.
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