summerl0vesyou Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Ive been considering whether i wanted to put this here or not, but im going to. ive been having such severe depression as a result of this and Im having a really hard time letting go. Ive gotten to the point where nothing feels good or right anymore, without him around. I became friends with him and we got close quickly. we stayed up often, until 6 am or later, talking about silly things, and about life. nothing romantic was there. we usually talked online. We even hung out once, and nothing was sparked. But one on fateful day, we decided to go out to a waterpark. Something was there...we both felt it, we both knew. we were so happy, laughing and talking. Something in our eyes, a spark just came alive. That night, we both brought up our feelings and said we wanted to be together. we decided to be together a few weeks later after hanging out a lot more. we spent the next months very in love- talking about anything and everything, finishing each other's sentences. Getting deep. Laughing. I thought Id found my soulmate. But...He never would spend the night. He refused to ever consider marriage in his future (I never should have dated him right?) even after falling in love with me. (although we werent together very long, it still hurt me) and he also would not have sex (believed in saving sex for marriage, but never wanted to get married.) Now these were very hard to deal with, and are now things i consider dealbreakers. But now i regret fighting him over these things because i feel like i lost the love of my life, just cuz of those things i wanted. Thought i wanted. (sorry this is so long) he would never give his whole self to me.. Sometimes i am angry because i feel like i gave more of my being, than he did. So...after fighting for months over my complaints, he ended up telling me he wanted to go for a week with his female friend out of state, spending the night in hotels. that was IT for me. I snapped. I couldnt believe hed spend days in a hotel with HER but wouldnt spend the night with me, after i begged and begged. He also refused to vacation with me, but was going on this trip with her. granted he said he wouldnt go, cuz of me. after i yelled at him about it. so then i said F it, and dumped him. then 30 min later, in a crying fit i begged for him back. he was crying too...but he refused. He then proceeded to spend the next 4 mths making me HATE myself for that 30 minutes id tried to dump him. He always brought up how i tried to leave, and rubbed it in. I always cried and said sorry, begged and begged to just have another chance. So he said he loved me all the time, hung out with me all the time. said he wanted to be with me. I cried, cried cried all the time. He still kissed me. we acted together but he wouldnt BE with me. He watched the agony i was in and didnt stop it. said it was because he wasnt sure if he trust me after i tried to leave him. I fell into an eating disorder from the pain and stress. I couldnt control our situation so i began controlling my eating. I wanted to die. he was there for me and tried to help, but he still would NOT fix what was driving me so crazy to begin with: be with me; or be without me. dont do that middle sh*t. He watched me cry, over and over. finally we fought and he said he was done, so i said goodbye. he wanted to be friends- begged, pleaded. in the same fashion he turned me down, I did it right back. I said- I begged to be with you. you said no. now you beg to be my friend. I cant. its become our vicious cycle, but i think this time he's going to win. I refused friendship. though i stated, i wanted to be friends when we moved on. i didnt want us to just always be in the middle, in love but just "friends". he cried, and cried. So then, i met someone else. i told him. he ended up leaving me alone. I dated that guy for 2 mths. Guess what? He wanted everything the other one didnt. marriage, sex, the whole she-bang. HE was the one pushing it on ME. i was the one in the opposite role for the first time ever, and right after the pain of what had just happened. he always asked for me to talk about my dreams, for our relationship. to talk about our future. He ended up asking me for a vacation too, coincidentally. EVERYTHING. EVRYTHING!! i wanted from the other guy...this person wanted. but he was kinda creepy and i wasnt in love.. i spent the night with him, Yes I did. I had sex with him, yes I did. I discussed moving in together in December...yes, i did... he said he wants to be with me forever, oh yes he did. But it was eating away at me. how my ex would never do those things and now im handed them on a fcing silver platter. From the one i DONT Want it from. i spent months agonizing over getting these things and i finally got them...but not from who i wanted it from. i ended up breaking his heart. but before that, id reached out to my ex a few times (bad me, i know.) And each time, he made me feel AWFUL. I told him I needed help because i had a huge fight with the new person and he was being abusive. My ex would not come pick me up. he refused. he said hed always be there for me, always love me...now he refused. a month after he was begging for me to be his friend and that hed be waiting, he denied me. so after i broke up with the other one. i kept trying to contact my ex. each time, hed make me feel bad. he would get very agitated and tell me that I didnt grant him the opportunity to be friends, so why should he. Spiteful, bitter. even still. when i last tried, I told him that he was a liar for saying hed always love and be here for me cuz he isnt. and he said "I know me. but you dont believe me, this isnt the first time. some things never change and some people never do" basically. I told him ive been so sad missing him. he was annoyed, agitated and asked me when ill leave him alone, and when will I realize ive gone too far and im basically on stalker territory He said hed always be here for me. now he doesnt care if im dead or alive. would he start caring, if he saw my name in the obituary? It burns me up inside...it kills. the one who promised his life to me, said he'd love me forever- thinks im annoying and refuses to speak to me and thinks im a stalker for trying to text him every few weeks. now he says its a big IF, if well EVER be friends...i told him we'd be friends after we moved on, he says never. even when i tried to talk to him, he said if im still so obsessed with being friends, its not happening. anyone? im so sad, ive dreamed of him every night. remembering the love of those months we were actually together.its so long ago now..but i can still feel it. i shouldnt- hes been so cruel. but we had something so real, strong. a bond. i want to die.. Edited September 7, 2010 by summerl0vesyou
Lovebone Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Jesus...take an ice cream break, sister. Seriously though, it sounds like he's not physically attracted to you. We are driven 75% or more by sex and physical attraction. If he wanted you in that way, he probably would have stayed the night with you, the first or at least second time he had a chance. Not tryin to be mean, just my opinion. But he sounds like he could be a good friend if you two would just get over the drama. Good luck.
Author summerl0vesyou Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Jesus...take an ice cream break, sister. Seriously though, it sounds like he's not physically attracted to you. We are driven 75% or more by sex and physical attraction. If he wanted you in that way, he probably would have stayed the night with you, the first or at least second time he had a chance. Not tryin to be mean, just my opinion. But he sounds like he could be a good friend if you two would just get over the drama. Good luck. well...he always said im beautiful, hot, sexy. I am a model as well, so generally seen as attractive by a lot of people. doesnt mean everyone does, everyone has their own idea of attractive, but he always told me how "gorgeous" i was before we even dated. and we did everything except intercourse- he just wouldnt do it, for 'moral' reasons. but he went thru a lot as a child and that stemmed a lot of his issues...so really i think its his childhood that has a lot to do with "why" Im just hurt that he broke his word, said hed be here and he isnt you know?
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