i can't stop :(

[alyyysha]

Ok... if you want some serious advice, you will need to drop a lot more detail. What kinds of situations does this cheating occur in? Have you suffered any psychological trauma? Describe your current BF in detail, personality, looks, job... ect. Just be vague enough that nobody could ID him.

 

Since you don't want this behavior and yet are powerless to stop it... I think it may be some kind of addictive behavior pattern.

 

If you want to break the cycle... I'm guessing that for the moment environmental control is the best way. Make sure you stay away from any kind of situation where you would typically cheat. Example... If you typically kiss guys at the club don't go to the club.. ect.

 

yes, there is frequently alcohol or going out involved. i actually tried to stop drinking for a while, but being 23, it is hard to stay sober for a long time or i feel like things are going well, i get a false sense of security, and i drink again. i am a pretty small girl, so it doesn't take a lot to get me drunk.

 

my boyfriend is tall, white, about 6ft, very intelligent (full ride to a top university in CA), 23 years old, and doesn't have virtually any experience in relationships. he isn't very wealthy, but comes from a comfortable background with a very small family. he works as a tutor in a very, very bad part of town and he is really scared of rejection, so he is "too afraid" to apply for anythign better, even though it appears as if he hates his job. if there was one complaint i have about him, it's that i am a very motivated person and know where i want to go with my life, and he seems to be ok floating around in a low-paying job that he hates, so it seems like he really relies on me for his life fulfillment.

 

i agree that environmental control would be a HUGE help, and i really did commit (successfully) to that for a long time, until i thought that i had gotten past all this immature BS and as soon as i started going out again, i got back into trouble. i am also currently looking into therapy, because for the longest time, i have thought something is wrong with me. i went through an extremely traumatic event my freshman year in college, before i ever met my bf, and was getting therapy for that for a while until i felt like i had recovered.

 

the other issue is that i had an eating disorder for going on...8 years and i honestly think that plays a HUGE role in my actions. i've just never had to deal with it affecting a relationship in this way, so for a while i wasn't sure if that was really having an influence. i'm sure it does, though.

 

finally, and the most ironic, is that i was cheated on by my first love, in my last relationship. he cheated on me throughout the relationship, and ended up marrying the other girl. you would think this would have a POSITIVE effect on my current relationship, but soemtimes i think because that relationship was at such a pivotal time in my life (i had just turned 21 and had never been in love before), it showed me that relationships are never as serious as you think and to take them more lightly, or to not get as emotionally invested, even if the other person is.

 

if you need more details, i'd be happy to share more. this weighs on me day in and day out, and i would give anything to be a different person than who it seems i'm turning out to me

[Untouchable_Fire]

yes, there is frequently alcohol or going out involved. i actually tried to stop drinking for a while, but being 23, it is hard to stay sober for a long time or i feel like things are going well, i get a false sense of security, and i drink again. i am a pretty small girl, so it doesn't take a lot to get me drunk.

my boyfriend is tall, white, about 6ft, very intelligent (full ride to a top university in CA), 23 years old, and doesn't have virtually any experience in relationships. he isn't very wealthy, but comes from a comfortable background with a very small family. he works as a tutor in a very, very bad part of town and he is really scared of rejection, so he is "too afraid" to apply for anythign better, even though it appears as if he hates his job. if there was one complaint i have about him, it's that i am a very motivated person and know where i want to go with my life, and he seems to be ok floating around in a low-paying job that he hates, so it seems like he really relies on me for his life fulfillment.

i agree that environmental control would be a HUGE help, and i really did commit (successfully) to that for a long time, until i thought that i had gotten past all this immature BS and as soon as i started going out again, i got back into trouble. i am also currently looking into therapy, because for the longest time, i have thought something is wrong with me. i went through an extremely traumatic event my freshman year in college, before i ever met my bf, and was getting therapy for that for a while until i felt like i had recovered.

the other issue is that i had an eating disorder for going on...8 years and i honestly think that plays a HUGE role in my actions. i've just never had to deal with it affecting a relationship in this way, so for a while i wasn't sure if that was really having an influence. i'm sure it does, though.

finally, and the most ironic, is that i was cheated on by my first love, in my last relationship. he cheated on me throughout the relationship, and ended up marrying the other girl. you would think this would have a POSITIVE effect on my current relationship, but soemtimes i think because that relationship was at such a pivotal time in my life (i had just turned 21 and had never been in love before), it showed me that relationships are never as serious as you think and to take them more lightly, or to not get as emotionally invested, even if the other person is.

if you need more details, i'd be happy to share more. this weighs on me day in and day out, and i would give anything to be a different person than who it seems i'm turning out to me

 

My guess is that your issue comes from several different sources. This will not be easy to fix.

 

I think you probably have control issues that feed into body image problems. That makes the attention you get from multiple men really addictive... in fact you will probably go out of your way to do things to get guys to pay attention to you.

 

Also... having a guy cheat on you makes you want to cheat. Your mentally getting back at your ex by cheating on your current BF. Your punishing him because you can't punish the Ex.

 

I'm sorry but the only way your going to fix this issue is by being 100% honest with your BF. Good news is that he seems to have low enough self esteem that he probably won't break up with you. By creating some trust issues in the relationship he will do what he needs to hold you accountable. You need that.

 

Also... you will have to tackle the deep issues with therapy.

 

You can control this by not drinking... and staying away from potentially bad situations. However, I think your going to need his help to keep you honest to this...

 

Sound right?

[stillafool]

Well, if you are in the grips of compulsive behavior over which you have absolutely NO control, then you need professional help if you really want to change. Not advice from an anonymous forum.

 

 

Considering you have had an eating disorder you should definitely seek professional help with your problem. However, do your poor bf a favor and break up with him. You may need to be alone for a while.

[Nikki Sahagin]

It seems to me that there are 4 factors here.

 

1) You perceive a fault in your boyfriend i.e. lack of motivation.

2) Your history with an eating disorder.

3) Alcohol consumption.

4) Infidelity on the part of your first love.

 

I don't know that you can 'excuse' or 'blame' your behaviour on any of these occurrences. You do need to take responsibility for your actions and I believe if you really wanted to stop, you would stop.

 

In saying that, I think a common theme here is a sense of control. As your boyfriend is dependent on you for his happiness, you feel a sense of power there (which you are exploiting). Your history with an eating disorder suggests both a sense of powerlessness but a desire for control (eating disorders are linked with very obsessive and controlled individuals). I would suggest that you do have ongoing issues with control - perhaps you feel this is a situation which you can control or influence. Alcohol contrarily takes you out of control but also enables you to blame something else for your actions and take away from your sense of responsibility. Are you self-medicating with alcohol? Finally the behaviour of your first love may link again to your sense of control. Are you hurting your current partner so that YOU control the hurt, rather than your partner? Are you taking revenge on your ex by hurting your boyfriend?

 

These are just my assumptions, I may be wrong. But you have to take responsibility for the hurt you are causing your boyfriend and I do think you are wise to reconsider therapy. You must have some unresolved pain and issues around certain past occurances. You can not put these on your partner.

 

Do you love him?

[Cee]

I used to be a serial cheater so I can relate. I used the attention of men to medicate my self-hatred and insecurity. The only way that I stopped that behavior was to break up with my BF and be alone for several years. I had to learn that I was more than what I could offer a guy.

 

I won't lie to you and say that personal growth is rainbows, unicorns, and winning lottery tickets. I was deep in love addiction, which is a horrible compulsion. For me, giving up men was akin to an addict giving up the needle. I was miserable for many months. And I went to therapy and joined a 12 step program to help me with my issues.

 

But going "cold turkey" off of men was worth it though. I am a completely different person & I love myself now. I am happier single than I ever was in a relationship. I am now ready to seek out a partnership because I feel whole and complete without a man.

[nester]

since you're in law school. make your major divorce law. you're going to need it.

 

Lol....agreed...it's amazing how people can be so selfish...and oblivious about their actions. For you to keep doing the same pathetic thing over and over again to someone you "love"...wow what a great liar you are....picked the right job for sure....*pukes*

[Woggle]

You had to expect the harshness and if you are serious about wanting to change them you will realize some of it is deserved. If you want to change this dump your bf because this is not fair to him and get some counseling. If you don't take a long hard look at yourself this cycle will continue.

[Dexter Morgan]

i absolutely love my boyfriend

 

sorry.....but bulls##t

 

 

i honestly think i have something mentally wrong with me. i MUST, to be cheating on a guy so perfect. a big voice in my head says to break up with him

 

you should listen to your voice. he deserves someone who is faithful to him.

 

 

just for the sheer fact that i can't seem to stop myself. i will go for a period of 6-8 months, and then, just when i think things are going well, i will cheat again. i told him about it once and he forgave me, but i know if i told him it happened more than once, it would be over

 

then tell him and let him leave you.

 

 

if i broke up with him, i wouldn't tell him that was the reason but use law school as an excuse. it's just so hard because i really and truly DO love him.

 

no...you don't. love doesn't mean you go off and boff other guys. if you loved him, it wouldn't even enter your mind

 

 

i just can't seem to stop when temptation comes around. what should i do?!

 

 

first, tell him and break up with him. I say tell him because otherwise he will not understand and probably stay in contact with you in confusion. By telling him, he can make the decision to go no contact and not be confused as to why you are breaking up.

 

then get counseling....or if you don't, stay away from committed relationships.

[Dexter Morgan]

Throw yourself off a tall building, you cheating whore.

 

No, seriously though.....

 

 

Do it.

 

wow..........

[alyyysha]

It seems to me that there are 4 factors here.

 

1) You perceive a fault in your boyfriend i.e. lack of motivation.

2) Your history with an eating disorder.

3) Alcohol consumption.

4) Infidelity on the part of your first love.

 

I don't know that you can 'excuse' or 'blame' your behaviour on any of these occurrences. You do need to take responsibility for your actions and I believe if you really wanted to stop, you would stop.

 

In saying that, I think a common theme here is a sense of control. As your boyfriend is dependent on you for his happiness, you feel a sense of power there (which you are exploiting). Your history with an eating disorder suggests both a sense of powerlessness but a desire for control (eating disorders are linked with very obsessive and controlled individuals). I would suggest that you do have ongoing issues with control - perhaps you feel this is a situation which you can control or influence. Alcohol contrarily takes you out of control but also enables you to blame something else for your actions and take away from your sense of responsibility. Are you self-medicating with alcohol? Finally the behaviour of your first love may link again to your sense of control. Are you hurting your current partner so that YOU control the hurt, rather than your partner? Are you taking revenge on your ex by hurting your boyfriend?

 

These are just my assumptions, I may be wrong. But you have to take responsibility for the hurt you are causing your boyfriend and I do think you are wise to reconsider therapy. You must have some unresolved pain and issues around certain past occurances. You can not put these on your partner.

 

Do you love him?

 

yes, i DO love him. i think this is actually right on point. everything you said here. i guess the hard part is that i DO want to stop, and i DO want to change, and i DO love him, but that doesn't mean he should have to be put through all this just because i can't seem to control myself and at the same time, want him in my life.

 

do you think that if we break up, and i show that i am TRULY making a genuine effort to change, resolve a lot of issues i'm dealing with internally and outside of the relationship, and staying away from all environmental triggers, it would be healthy to get back together at some point in the future? i really really do love him

[alyyysha]

Lol....agreed...it's amazing how people can be so selfish...and oblivious about their actions. For you to keep doing the same pathetic thing over and over again to someone you "love"...wow what a great liar you are....picked the right job for sure....*pukes*

 

thanks, you're so helpful!

[stillafool]

yesdo you think that if we break up, and i show that i am TRULY making a genuine effort to change, resolve a lot of issues i'm dealing with internally and outside of the relationship, and staying away from all environmental triggers, it would be healthy to get back together at some point in the future? i really really do love him

 

Maybe, but by that time he may not still be available. Even if he is not available, you will have straightened out your life and will be ready to enter into a healthy relationship with honesty.

[nester]

thanks, you're so helpful!

 

LOL NObody can help you but yourself!! Especially in this situation...Maybe it's time you grew up and realized that...

 

that is all...

[naya1]

well i think u do love him, cause im sure there are some people here who would say u wouldnt know love even if it kicked u in the face

 

i think u are cheating cause u are lacking in some factors like

1)hes not that good in bed or he doesnt please u in bed

2)ur actually afraid of commitment, having seen divorce from ur parents or close relative or uve been burned before

 

i cant think of other things..just those.

 

i think cheating is really hard on the cheater, esp like in ur case u went here and posted it.

 

since ur not getting married yet , i suggest u stop. for ur own mental health.

write down what u like about him ..and the reasons u cheat.

 

bear in mind u cant stay with him just because u pity him.

 

ive cheated before and i felt sad about the outcome. then again it might not have been purely my fault. still...

[alyyysha]

well i think u do love him, cause im sure there are some people here who would say u wouldnt know love even if it kicked u in the face

 

i think u are cheating cause u are lacking in some factors like

1)hes not that good in bed or he doesnt please u in bed

2)ur actually afraid of commitment, having seen divorce from ur parents or close relative or uve been burned before

 

i cant think of other things..just those.

 

i think cheating is really hard on the cheater, esp like in ur case u went here and posted it.

 

since ur not getting married yet , i suggest u stop. for ur own mental health.

write down what u like about him ..and the reasons u cheat.

 

bear in mind u cant stay with him just because u pity him.

 

ive cheated before and i felt sad about the outcome. then again it might not have been purely my fault. still...

 

1. he is REALLY inexperienced in bed, and he also lasts about 2 minutes, at best. i'm not saying that to be mean; he has MAJOR insecurities about it so i never give him a hard time or bring it up. but yet, the sex life is MAJORLY lacking. if i didn't' care so much about him in other ways, i might have left him a long time ago.

 

2. i have been burned before (see post above)

 

3. i don't think i am staying with him because i pity him... i stay with him because i care about him so much. but i am plagued with guilt every single second of the relationship; it's not like i enjoy what i'm doing to myself and to him. i will never say it's not my fault, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my head around why i'm being so self-sabotaging. thanks for being understanding though. i'm not asking people to feel sorry for me, but obviously i have feelings and obviously i have guilt, and just because i'm human and i've made mistakes, doesn't mean i'm the scum of the earth or i should DIE.

[Nikki Sahagin]

yes, i DO love him. i think this is actually right on point. everything you said here. i guess the hard part is that i DO want to stop, and i DO want to change, and i DO love him, but that doesn't mean he should have to be put through all this just because i can't seem to control myself and at the same time, want him in my life.

 

do you think that if we break up, and i show that i am TRULY making a genuine effort to change, resolve a lot of issues i'm dealing with internally and outside of the relationship, and staying away from all environmental triggers, it would be healthy to get back together at some point in the future? i really really do love him

 

If you love your boyfriend as you say and you want to stay with him, you have to own up to EVERYTHING. This wont be easy but if you truly care for him, he deserves the truth and the consequence of that is that he may choose not to be with you. He may have accepted your cheating once but few people will accept a serial cheater. You cannot work at building this relationship and resolving your issues if you do not share them with your partner. If you do have more deep rooted issues you will need his help and support and so you need to come clean and be ready for the backlash. This is an important lesson for you - that you can't treat people this way. How would you feel if he had done the same to you?

 

You say you want to stop, in that case why don't you? Change is much harder to bring about but surely if you love this man, are aware you have problems and you want to stop, you can. And then you can deal with the changes you need to necessitate later on, with or without him by your side. I can't really relate to this lack of control so I don't want to judge you far too much on that, but can you really not control yourself? Or is there some benefit to you cheating that encourages you to do so and push past any sense of control?

 

I agree with your final paragraph and I think that's a very mature attitude. At the moment you are not being a good girlfriend to him and I think that it is best that you dump him and be COMPLETELY honest. Yes this will hurt him, but if he is even to potentially to forgive you, he needs to know what's happened. You also have to accept he may never forgive you or even want to speak with you again, but you owe him the truth and in the end I think as much as he will be angry, disgusted and hurt, he may respect you in the long-term for your final honesty, especially if you DO manage to sort yourself. If you ever do get back together, realise it will take a lot of effort on your part to help him trust you and believe in you again.

 

You need to focus on yourself for now because clearly you do need help. Please be kind to your partner though, however you proceed. You are hurting him more than you know.

[Nikki Sahagin]

i don't think i am staying with him because i pity him... i stay with him because i care about him so much. but i am plagued with guilt every single second of the relationship; it's not like i enjoy what i'm doing to myself and to him. i will never say it's not my fault, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my head around why i'm being so self-sabotaging. thanks for being understanding though. i'm not asking people to feel sorry for me, but obviously i have feelings and obviously i have guilt, and just because i'm human and i've made mistakes, doesn't mean i'm the scum of the earth or i should DIE.

 

Alyysha, I think there is a lot going on with you emotionally and mentally and at this point I don't think you have the self-awareness to fully comprehend how it is affecting you. I have self-sabotaged myself in the past, though not quite in the same ways as you so to that extent I can understand.

 

There are though some hypocrisies in what you are saying which you may or not be aware of. And I am not trying to judge you, because although I disagree with the fact that you cheat on your boyfriend, I respect anyone who can ask for help on how to change, and I don't believe you should be demonised for asking for help.

 

Firstly, you say you love your boyfriend, but you are consciously hurting him. We don't hurt the people we love, unless somehow we have confused hurt WITH love. As I said before I think you are hurting before you are the one hurt.

 

You say you feel guilty, but you carry on. Guilt is usually a deterrent. Does the guilt enable you to continue cheating? Is the cheating a way of punishing yourself? 'I feel guilty, i'm a bad person, so i'll continue doing the bad thing to prove I am a bad person.'

 

You've admitted you are self-sabotaging, yet you have a history of this with regards to your eating disorders. I think there is something unresolved here; insecurity, or self-hatred. Do you want to be happy or do you feel you don't deserve it?

 

I think one of two things could be going on.

 

1) Either you don't care about your boyfriend as much as you think you do, and this self-sabotaging behaviour is really a way of escaping somehow.

 

or

 

2) You do not know how to let yourself be happy with a partner in part because of your history with eating disorders and body dysmorphia. I think a lot of issues from that have followed you since. Maybe you felt so powerless and insecure at the hands of your disorder, you now use your power and security over your boyfriend. Some people need to control something, one it was food, now it may be sex and partners. In this way I don't think anyone should judge you because we can't understand how these things can effect people.

 

Whilst you do have these problems though, it is not fair that they effect your partner. Please be honest with him and yourself, and get someone to help you figure out what you are feeling/thinking.

 

How about starting by telling us what you feel when you cheat?

Positive or negative feelings/emotions, other than the guilt that comes afterwards?

[alyyysha]

 

How about starting by telling us what you feel when you cheat?

Positive or negative feelings/emotions, other than the guilt that comes afterwards?

 

when i cheat, first i feel like i'm playing with fire. it feels like i've never had that kind of attention before in my life, and i forget all the times my boyfriend has told me how beautiful and amazing i am. it's like when another guy says it to me, i will never hear it again and it's foreign to me. i want to keep hearing it and getting the affirmation over and over. but at the same time, i remind myself i have a boyfriend, and i think: i'm getting into a dangerous situation here...and by that time, it's happened and i've cheated.

 

afterwards, i want to die. i think: how can i ever face my boyfriend again? and probably in the days afterwards, i'm a little aloof trying to sort things out in my head. mostly, there is a lot of self-hatred that goes on following the affirmation i had gotten from the guys. i think "i am a disgusting person," "i never thought i'd be this kind of girl," and i don't think there are any positive feelings thinking back on the situation(s) where i cheated. i never once have thought: well, THAT was worth it!

 

and yet when another guy comes along saying the same old lines, and obviously is an attractive person, i fall for it again and think: this is so new and novel, i think i'm so unattractive but this person doesn't...and it starts again.

 

reading back, it sounds AWFUL to rely on guys to affirm something that, realistically, they can't. no number of people anywhere telling me i'm beautiful would change the way i feel. but i am also someone that wanted to conquer the eating disorder on her own, so i probably haven't gotten the appropriate help for it that might have been necessary to at least avoid some triggering situations like an attractive guy coming on to me while i am in a relationship.

[stillafool]

You need to find out why you need so much attention from men. I don't think it has anything to do with your upbringing. Most people have had problems in their family life so people really can't use that as an excuse. My bio mom ran off with another man and left my dad with 3 little babies to take care of but I can't use that as an excuse for bad behavior. I think you need professional help to get to the root of the problem. In the meantime, you should leave youir poor bf alone until you find out what it is you want and need.

[alyyysha]

ok, i've made an appointment for counseling and i am going to have "The Talk" with him when he gets back from out of town. not because a bunch of random strangers suddenly told me to do it, but because i have known what i needed to do deep down for a long time. i guess if anyone had any doubt that i really do love him, i wouldn't have cared at all to post here or be as determined to be honest with him if i didn't care about him so much...

 

i just can't keep going on like this, for both our sakes

Edited September 8, 2010 by alyyysha

[Untouchable_Fire]

ok, i've made an appointment for counseling and i am going to have "The Talk" with him when he gets back from out of town. not because a bunch of random strangers suddenly told me to do it, but because i have known what i needed to do deep down for a long time. i guess if anyone had any doubt that i really do love him, i wouldn't have cared at all to post here or be as determined to be honest with him if i didn't care about him so much...

i just can't keep going on like this, for both our sakes

 

Bravo!

 

I'm really hoping this is the first step to making things better for you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Good luck, keep courageous and do what you need to do.

 

No matter how it turns out with you and your boyfriend, seems that you realize that you need to deal with this compulsion in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Sounds like you have lots of struggles with compulsions ... a 12 step program might be helpful for you too (like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, or even AA - sounds to me like your drinking is not under your control either).

 

I let my addictive behavior and self destructive urges take over my young life. I'm happy to say I was able to get through all that and leave it behind, with a lot of help.

[Nikki Sahagin]

when i cheat, first i feel like i'm playing with fire. it feels like i've never had that kind of attention before in my life, and i forget all the times my boyfriend has told me how beautiful and amazing i am. it's like when another guy says it to me, i will never hear it again and it's foreign to me. i want to keep hearing it and getting the affirmation over and over. but at the same time, i remind myself i have a boyfriend, and i think: i'm getting into a dangerous situation here...and by that time, it's happened and i've cheated.

 

afterwards, i want to die. i think: how can i ever face my boyfriend again? and probably in the days afterwards, i'm a little aloof trying to sort things out in my head. mostly, there is a lot of self-hatred that goes on following the affirmation i had gotten from the guys. i think "i am a disgusting person," "i never thought i'd be this kind of girl," and i don't think there are any positive feelings thinking back on the situation(s) where i cheated. i never once have thought: well, THAT was worth it!

 

and yet when another guy comes along saying the same old lines, and obviously is an attractive person, i fall for it again and think: this is so new and novel, i think i'm so unattractive but this person doesn't...and it starts again.

 

reading back, it sounds AWFUL to rely on guys to affirm something that, realistically, they can't. no number of people anywhere telling me i'm beautiful would change the way i feel. but i am also someone that wanted to conquer the eating disorder on her own, so i probably haven't gotten the appropriate help for it that might have been necessary to at least avoid some triggering situations like an attractive guy coming on to me while i am in a relationship.

 

So you have identified that the issue is to do with attention which feeds into your sense of self-worth. This isn’t exactly uncommon. Therapy can definitely help you if you can be honest with your therapist and if you truly want to address the issues. Let us know how it goes! 

[stillafool]

ok, i've made an appointment for counseling and i am going to have "The Talk" with him when he gets back from out of town. not because a bunch of random strangers suddenly told me to do it, but because i have known what i needed to do deep down for a long time. i guess if anyone had any doubt that i really do love him, i wouldn't have cared at all to post here or be as determined to be honest with him if i didn't care about him so much...

 

i just can't keep going on like this, for both our sakes

 

 

Good for you! You are following your heart and he may forgive you and want to work on improving your sex life. Good luck!

[Ice_Cream]

Its amazing how some women have the ideal man by their side and its heart-breaking how she is not cherishing him.. alot of women like myself is yerning for a good man..I am 23 years old too and i dont see the need for all the cheating. So honey I hope you realize the goodness and love in your man and stop your nonsense because if he finds out and leaves you trust me it will be very difficult for you to get back one like him. So dont allow this statement catch up to u."you never know what you have until its all gone".... Ice Cream