6 months, a second chance?

[MountV]

So its going on nearly 6 months since what I like to call doomsday, where the love of my life suddenly decided to end our 2 year relationship. At the time I was under a lot of stress at uni and struggling to secure a graduate job for the following year. We had only recently returned from a 5 month trip around Europe, which was amazing and we got on like a house on fire. Although towards the end of relationship I found myself becoming someone I didn't want to be, I was boring, slightly depressed and anxious. These insecurities would bring out the worst in me at times, and she was constantly In the firing line. My biggest regret is taking her for granted, or my lack of affection, I thought we would last forever regardless of the hardships.....but I was wrong. Perhaps it was the external stresses in my life or it could have been the relationship itself.....I don't know, but I definitely wasn't myself. I'm no monster, these were only suttle traits that you would see in most relationships, which is prob why most never last.

 

Anyway, for the first three months after parting ways I was a shattered being, had never felt anything like the pain I had experienced during those few months. My heart really goes out to those that suffer depression, it can destroy you. It didn't help either that I was inundated with study, you have to spend twice as long doing a standard mental exercise when your depressed. My medicine was exercise, It was a form of temporary escapism, without the nasty hangovers you get from taking drugs or alcohol. I would recommend to anyone suffering from a break-up atm to get out there and get fit, it will give you a positive emotional boost and you will look great and attract new people. It saved me .

 

The destructive emotions begun to subside after about 2 - 3 months. After I had hit rock bottom, I slowly started to rebuild myself, each day becoming stronger and more positive. During this time I avoided rebounds at all costs, I did meet plenty of girls but didn't feel ready to invest myself as a partner. Now after nearly 6 months I have much greater sense of self worth, am positive, super fit and my brain is back to its full speed operation. To those out there who feel like you will never be happy again, trust me you will....just give it time, forget moping over the ex and work on developing yourself into a better person. Its not what you perceive others to think of you that determines your happiness, but rather the way you see yourself. Learn to love and respect yourself and you will learn to be happy.

 

Anyway back to the story, about 3.5 months into the breakup, I start receiving calls from the ex (Oh, there was very little contact up to this point, I was very good when it came to NC except a letter I wrote to apologize for a few things). At first I ignored the calls, until she finally caught me out on private number. We had a long chat, reminisced about the good times until I popped the question. Why did you call? She went on to tell me she thinks she is having regrets and really misses me. I said the trust is gone so therefore so has our relationship. After this for four weeks or so there were a few innocent text here and there, I would never initiate. Eventually we decided to meet for dinner. We talked about the good times, the funny times, and I must admit it felt great.....I didn't want the night to end. Eventually it did, with me telling her that we shouldn't see each other anymore as it does neither of us any good. After this she kept calling but I wouldn't answer, she sent some texts saying she missed me and hopes that one day it will work out.

 

Your probably all wondering why the hell was I like this? This is a dumpees dream come true, right? Well there is a couple of important facts that I haven't mentioned. She has a boyfriend for a start, yes a rebound, but I'm also positive he was in the picture before we broke up and this is partly why she left me. I read somewhere on LS, "girls are like monkeys; they don't let go of one branch until they have a hold of another". True in my case! Early on in the relationship she had cheated on me also, not sex just a pash, which I believe she was really sorry, but failed to be upfront about. There also seemed to be a lack of communication when it came to important emotional stuff. I had no prob talking about it but she always seemed to retreat and keep important things to herself.

 

Anyway I think I have perceived the image to her that I have moved on, and am happy without her. This is not true, I am however content being single but I do miss her terribly. She makes up everything I want in a future partner, except of course the cheating, lies and lack of communication..... which I guess are major red flags! But Its been 6 months and I still love her more than anything and I'm thinking perhaps it was me not being myself in the end that led her into the arms of another man.

 

I have learnt a lot since spending this time to myself, I have learnt that when you truely love someone you should do everything in your power to make that love last, don't ever take someone you love for granted. Now I'm facing a conundrum and I don't know what to do. This is where i need your help LS'S!!!!!!!! Should I just put the past behind me and invest myself into a healthy relationship when it comes about? Or should I pursue my ex and seek everlasting happiness with my true love?

 

The latter worries me for a number of reasons including;

 

> All these texts, calls and saying she misses may just be in response to her pain of the breakup, which has eventually caught up with her.

> LS would say once its broken, It cannot be fixed

> What If I become that person again, that person I didn't want to be.

> What if she only wants what she cant have, and when she is back with me she will start missing her other ex!

> Were both young....24, She is 23

 

 

 

 

Sorry if this was a little dragged out guys.......but I would much appreciate your insights LS'S!

[LoveTNT]

I've been that girl. I believe we all make mistakes and we hurt each other in the process and eventually feel really bad and hurt fir doing what we did. It can get super draining and messy. If she still loves u and misses u and wants u, she will leave him. She will respect her true feelings. Then there will need to be time in between and if u both still love each other than you can maybe work on it. You have to be careful though. I've done the whole " I want what I can't have" mess. No good. You have to be strict and really look for red flags. Don't give your all right away. It seems like you've been strong through the pain and coping don't **** it up.

[Don Ho]

Bro, don't take offense to this, and I do empathize with your anguish when you broke up and all the subsequent pain and confusion. But I have to be blunt with you my friend: you are a pussy and a dork.

 

First, the problem was you started acting like a pussy in your relationship with her (very common). I understand you were under extreme stress, anxiety and depressed, but that only made you act like less of a man. Then the woman comes back to you and basically begs for you to take her back (now that you are acting like a man) and you blow her off with all your pussy excuses. WTF are you thinking?

 

Now here's why you're a dork. You say she had an emotional affair. Who gives a fck? WTF is an "emotional affair"? She didn't bone some other guy and cheat on you. Get it? Does this forum sound like Dr. Laura? NO. Didn't she come home to you? Now you say she has a BF. So what? She apparently wants to come back to YOU!

 

My friend you are missing the BIG picture. I really don't want to sound like a prick, Bro, but she dumped you because you became a pussy (for whatever excuse you would like to use) then she basically comes begging back, and you admit it was great, and you blow her off! What a dork! Then you have this little list at the end of this post about your "concerns". Bro, if you still care about her, pull your head out, forget about your little list and meet up with her.

[shayan]

It seems like you are a confident and strong young man, and you remind me a bit of myself. I am also a student right now and was dumped because I began to go through a period of insecurity and anxiety. But, seriously what does it tell you if someone leaves when adversity begins, it tells you they are only there to experience the desirable traits you have and leave when you aren't expressing those traits. They are only their for themselves, when you make them feel good they stay when you begin to have problems they are off. This is no good, problems and adversity make someone real and if someone truly loves you they will stay and work things out as best as they can before they are off to see someone else. Look if you re-initiate your relationship you will be bringing in all the baggage from the past, this includes distrust (A she cheated on you, B she left you), anger, sadness, etc. You can never build a succesful relationship on these constructs unless you both are willing to work at thoroughly. So in my humble opinion let her go, stop talking to her, and keep building yourself up and find a better girl. Why do you want a girl who left you? One who cheated on you?

 

But if even after all of this you still want to be with her approach with caution, don't give her a time or a date. Be careful and go slowly don't give her your trust back right away just because "she hopes things will work out someday," no make her earn it back. Take it slow trust me work on rebuilding things from the ground up, be realistic. But see what I mean with this route, taking this road means you can't just be all open arms and head over heels anymore now you have to be cautious with her because you guys have pre-existing issues. Good luck it might work out and that would be awesome.

 

What did I do? I got my ass into medical school, worked out, and dated new girls and am thankful I didn't try to get back together with her with the exception of a small episode. But then again my ex never called me back and asked to get back with her either.

 

So good luck either decision you make, make sure it's the right one for you. And you are not a pussy or a dork. Listen being a strong man, a strong woman, or a strong person in general has nothing to do with reinforcing cultural norms of "manliness" or whatever. But, it has absolutely everything to do with being yourself and operating based on your principles, and that are cool with who you are. You are not weak because you broke down during a stressful period in your life (everyone does at some point in their lives I know I have). And you are not weak for being dis-trusting of your girlfirend she wasn't perfect she did somethings I would also be suspicious of.

 

So take your time and make your decision and make sure you are following your true self.

Edited September 7, 2010 by shayan

[LoveTNT]

It seems like you are a confident and strong young man, and you remind me a bit of myself. I am also a student right now and was dumped because I began to go through a period of insecurity and anxiety. But, seriously what does it tell you if someone leaves when adversity begins, it tells you they are only there to experience the desirable traits you have and leave when you aren't expressing those traits. They are only their for themselves, when you make them feel good they stay when you begin to have problems they are off. This is no good, problems and adversity make someone real and if someone truly loves you they will stay and work things out as best as they can before they are off to see someone else. Look if you re-initiate your relationship you will be bringing in all the baggage from the past, this includes distrust (A she cheated on you, B she left you), anger, sadness, etc. You can never build a succesful relationship on these constructs unless you both are willing to work at thoroughly. So in my humble opinion let her go, stop talking to her, and keep building yourself up and find a better girl. Why do you want a girl who left you? One who cheated on you?

 

But if even after all of this you still want to be with her approach with caution, don't give her a time or a date. Be careful and go slowly don't give her your trust back right away just because "she hopes things will work out someday," no make her earn it back. Take it slow trust me work on rebuilding things from the ground up, be realistic. But see what I mean with this route, taking this road means you can't just be all open arms and head over heels anymore now you have to be cautious with her because you guys have pre-existing issues. Good luck it might work out and that would be awesome.

 

What did I do? I got my ass into medical school, worked out, and dated new girls and am thankful I didn't try to get back together with her with the exception of a small episode. But then again my ex never called me back and asked to get back with her either.

 

So good luck either decision you make, make sure it's the right one for you. And you are not a pussy or a dork. Listen being a strong man, a strong woman, or a strong person in general has nothing to do with reinforcing cultural norms of "manliness" or whatever. But, it has absolutely everything to do with being yourself and operating based on your principles, and that are cool with who you are. You are not weak because you broke down during a stressful period in your life (everyone does at some point in their lives I know I have). And you are not weak for being dis-trusting of your girlfirend she wasn't perfect she did somethings I would also be suspicious of.

 

So take your time and make your decision and make sure you are following your true self.

 

 

Shayan, You broke it down. But I'm on the other end. I believe these are all the things my ex is saying to himself to keep himself protected from me or from any hurt. He believes I gave up when he needed me the most, support. Unfortunately I wasn't equipped with the security that he wouldn't leave me. I felt like I wasn't making him happy leading to my insecurities and my neediness. I should have gave him those days he wanted to just go to his house, and not took it personal and thought it was because he didn't want to hang with me or because I couldn't help him feel better when he was down. If I only knew then what I'm learning now....

[Banker Chick]

I can see this from both sides. People do change and when given another chance, it can work, if the issues are discussed and worked on. But I also have to be honest that when I went through a break up with my bf I was so upset and wanted to be back with him so badly but I'm not sure if it was just because it was a challenge. I think you have to be careful it's not the person's ego that wants you back. You've admitted being strong and admitting that you just can't make it work again and women (maybe men too!) hate this sort of thing. And honestly, don't people want what they think they can't have?

 

If you do give her another chance, go very slowly and approach it that you'll consider it. I agree with shayan that you play your cards close to the vest at this point and let her earn you back.

[MountV]

Shayan, You broke it down. But I'm on the other end. I believe these are all the things my ex is saying to himself to keep himself protected from me or from any hurt. He believes I gave up when he needed me the most, support. Unfortunately I wasn't equipped with the security that he wouldn't leave me. I felt like I wasn't making him happy leading to my insecurities and my neediness. I should have gave him those days he wanted to just go to his house, and not took it personal and thought it was because he didn't want to hang with me or because I couldn't help him feel better when he was down. If I only knew then what I'm learning now....

 

Hey Love TNT thanks for the comments. It seems your in a similar boat as my ex, how long has it been since your split? I understand how your man must feel as it would prob be very similar to how I'm feeling currently. My advice is to not give up, you need to prove through your actions that you want to be with him. I guess trust is the major issue, I love my ex but I don't trust her, her emotions can be too volatile. Trust needs to be regained, which I think will take time and patience from both sides. There is also still some anger deep down that I'm worried may resurface after we re-unite. Then In the back of our minds we remember the hurt, that fiery dagger that had little mercy as it sliced away at our hearts, it is not something we want to experience again. I'm sure your ex is pondering these issues also, maybe write him a letter and confess your love, and apologize for leaving him in a time of need. If you get no reply then perhaps he has moved on, in which case maybe you should too. But whatever happens be strong! Know that he will be thinking of you as much as you think of him, if not more (even if it doesn't seem that way).

[LoveTNT]

Hey Love TNT thanks for the comments. It seems your in a similar boat as my ex, how long has it been since your split? I understand how your man must feel as it would prob be very similar to how I'm feeling currently. My advice is to not give up, you need to prove through your actions that you want to be with him. I guess trust is the major issue, I love my ex but I don't trust her, her emotions can be too volatile. Trust needs to be regained, which I think will take time and patience from both sides. There is also still some anger deep down that I'm worried may resurface after we re-unite. Then In the back of our minds we remember the hurt, that fiery dagger that had little mercy as it sliced away at our hearts, it is not something we want to experience again. I'm sure your ex is pondering these issues also, maybe write him a letter and confess your love, and apologize for leaving him in a time of need. If you get no reply then perhaps he has moved on, in which case maybe you should too. But whatever happens be strong! Know that he will be thinking of you as much as you think of him, if not more (even if it doesn't seem that way).

 

Thanks Mount,

 

You may Possibly be feeling the way he is. Since our break up (July 29th, we were together close to 2 years) we've spoken a few times, he's reached out only 2x and the other times were my efforts. I've seen him a few times and we've talked. I cried asked for forgiveness for the hurt I brought to our relationship, he said things like , you don't think I think about you? I think about you every day and have the same hope and faith you have to, but I'm just going through a battle within myself. He mentioned that a part of him felt I was the enemy and to protect himself from me, and the other part is all the love and connection he has for me... Sometimes I feel like he wanted to break up to because he was going through a lot (losing job etc) and he doesn't like to give up, so he left it on me and took the next chance to push me away.

 

But the reality is sinking in more and more. Yes he was hurt the first two weeks he was super angry with me, if I said one slight thing that upset him it would validate the reasons why he was telling himself not get back with me.

 

It's the sixth week, I still feel yukky. even more so because a big part of me knows it's time,.. let go.

 

He is busy with work goals etc ( he says he's been depressed), and is pushing me away, so as it seems and feels. I know sometimes people just have to be on their own and grow and strengthen themselves, because in return it will have a positive affect when they are ready to be in a relationship again.

 

You can't give to others what you can't give to yourself.... I told him that, he seems to agree.

 

I've been praying so much, it's just hard. I don't feel like partying and drinking and getting rebounds, guys have called (the other ex has called too (which is super hot that I broke up with a few years ago) but I shall NOT go there, I want to work on myself.

 

Still feels lonely, although it is courageous.

 

 

This Tuesday I asked him how he was through text, (he always text back now, but I initiate 98% of the time) we were friendly and silly , talking about the ecosystem, ha. Then Wednesday I text him an, I love you text, he said thanks and said," love makes the ecosystems of the world go round" he was being silly . Ugh, hard to not hear I love you back. although other times he has said it in return, but maybe now he's feeling it less? I then later asked if he had time to talk later, and he replied that he had some meetings but that he would try to call in between meetings. I said it's ok that we would talk when he had time. He didn't reply.

 

That set it off! I'm here filling ****ty and he wasn't there for me. I'm so done. I wrote a letter to myself and God promising that I would go NC. and to give me strength and peace and to guide me to positive good people. The ex knows how I feel, I've reached out.... He's dealing with himself and doesn't have time for me.

 

I'm sure this is all part of a greater plan for me, I will overcome this....

 

 

I gotta keep trucking pass splat!

[Banker Chick]

I agree with a lot of what you said TNT. My exbf is the same way. Overwhelmed with work and school and the drama that was our relationship was just too much. I completely understand that.

 

While we have LC, I also continue to remind him, and myself, that we both need to be in a better place for it to ever have a chance of working again. Therefore, we are remaining friends and just letting life settle down a bit (for him) and letting me figure a few things out because I just wasn't happy in the relationship and I can't really figure out why. Yet, I do miss him. So, time is our friend right now.

 

I think there are times when someone has so much going on that they get rid of the one thing they can control ... their relationship. Inevitably, when things settle down and they start trying to figure out why they still aren't happy, they see they miss the relationship. Sometimes it can work out at that point and other times, the other person has moved on.

[MountV]

Bro, don't take offense to this, and I do empathize with your anguish when you broke up and all the subsequent pain and confusion. But I have to be blunt with you my friend: you are a pussy and a dork.

 

First, the problem was you started acting like a pussy in your relationship with her (very common). I understand you were under extreme stress, anxiety and depressed, but that only made you act like less of a man. Then the woman comes back to you and basically begs for you to take her back (now that you are acting like a man) and you blow her off with all your pussy excuses. WTF are you thinking?

 

Now here's why you're a dork. You say she had an emotional affair. Who gives a fck? WTF is an "emotional affair"? She didn't bone some other guy and cheat on you. Get it? Does this forum sound like Dr. Laura? NO. Didn't she come home to you? Now you say she has a BF. So what? She apparently wants to come back to YOU!

 

My friend you are missing the BIG picture. I really don't want to sound like a prick, Bro, but she dumped you because you became a pussy (for whatever excuse you would like to use) then she basically comes begging back, and you admit it was great, and you blow her off! What a dork! Then you have this little list at the end of this post about your "concerns". Bro, if you still care about her, pull your head out, forget about your little list and meet up with her.

 

Thanks for the feedback Don!

 

This is what I love about LS, people show no mercy when sharing a point of view....respect! haha. I agree with a little of what you have said but on a whole I tend to disagree. I admit I was a pussy in the end, I did begg her not to leave me, I cried, I told her I would change........all the standard mistakes.

 

I didnt say anything about an emotional affair, I did say she cheated on me though, and left me for another guy. One thing I have learnt over the past 6 months being single is the importance of respect, both self-respect and respect from others. If I welcomed her back with open arms after what she did to me what would that say about my level of confidence, self-respect or self-esteem? Not much I reckon. Im lookin at the big picture bro, I mean I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I dont want her back on false pretences, I dont want her back If she is lonely or having problems with her current bf. Me being this way, in a sense I am trying to reassure her that Im not a pussy and will be able to take care of her, and if that means suffering a little now, i'm sure in the long run, it will be worth it.

[MountV]

It seems like you are a confident and strong young man, and you remind me a bit of myself. I am also a student right now and was dumped because I began to go through a period of insecurity and anxiety. But, seriously what does it tell you if someone leaves when adversity begins, it tells you they are only there to experience the desirable traits you have and leave when you aren't expressing those traits. They are only their for themselves, when you make them feel good they stay when you begin to have problems they are off. This is no good, problems and adversity make someone real and if someone truly loves you they will stay and work things out as best as they can before they are off to see someone else. Look if you re-initiate your relationship you will be bringing in all the baggage from the past, this includes distrust (A she cheated on you, B she left you), anger, sadness, etc. You can never build a succesful relationship on these constructs unless you both are willing to work at thoroughly. So in my humble opinion let her go, stop talking to her, and keep building yourself up and find a better girl. Why do you want a girl who left you? One who cheated on you?

 

But if even after all of this you still want to be with her approach with caution, don't give her a time or a date. Be careful and go slowly don't give her your trust back right away just because "she hopes things will work out someday," no make her earn it back. Take it slow trust me work on rebuilding things from the ground up, be realistic. But see what I mean with this route, taking this road means you can't just be all open arms and head over heels anymore now you have to be cautious with her because you guys have pre-existing issues. Good luck it might work out and that would be awesome.

 

What did I do? I got my ass into medical school, worked out, and dated new girls and am thankful I didn't try to get back together with her with the exception of a small episode. But then again my ex never called me back and asked to get back with her either.

 

So good luck either decision you make, make sure it's the right one for you. And you are not a pussy or a dork. Listen being a strong man, a strong woman, or a strong person in general has nothing to do with reinforcing cultural norms of "manliness" or whatever. But, it has absolutely everything to do with being yourself and operating based on your principles, and that are cool with who you are. You are not weak because you broke down during a stressful period in your life (everyone does at some point in their lives I know I have). And you are not weak for being dis-trusting of your girlfirend she wasn't perfect she did somethings I would also be suspicious of.

 

So take your time and make your decision and make sure you are following your true self.

 

Hey Shayan,

 

Thanks a lot for your advice, you should be a consider a profession as a shrink, you have your head well screwed on. It will be something I will approach slowely (If I decide too), but to be honest Im still at odds with the whole thing. I mean, she said she was doing what she can to figure herself out (I presumed that meant breaking up with her boyfriend), but I saw them together the other day (at a distance so it wasnt akward....thank God!). I reached out to her for the first time a couple of weeks ago, we texted back and forth a few times but since then I havent heard from her. At the moment I'm not sure, Im wondering wether I should try contact her or wait for her to initiate contact. **** relationships their just one big game......I'm so much better at tetris! Whatever happens I will tread carefully. Thanks again for the advice....

[shayan]

And you will come through this I promise, just give yourself the ability to experience life during this period. Often when we are still in limbo after a break up we close all the other doors and focus on what we could do to save the relationship, or to avoid it or whatever. Try your best to get your mind out of that schema.

 

Good Luck It's all going to work out I promise.