br0ken_w0lf Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Wasn't sure where to post this (could have been here, separation/divorce, or OM/OW) but figured this was the best spot... My short story: ex-wife left me in Aug. 2007 for someone else in an affair; was completely devastated and did not handle it well. Since then, have been one a few dates with one person, dated another for approx. 3 months and, most recently, have somehow gotten messed up in an affair (which I'm now out of thankfully). Anyway, went back home recently to visit family and I find long drives are good for me, get me thinking, clear my head, etc. Not long after I arrived home, I decided to send my ex an e-mail (we have had very infrequent contact, almost non-existent). I'd recently realized through my own involvement with a MW how these things can just sometimes happen and I wanted her to know that, that I no longer harbored any ill feelings, and that I hoped she was doing well and was happy, and that I forgave her for anything that required forgiveness - I'd hoped at the very least, she'd be happy with the guy she left for. No, I didn't always feel that way but with time, I've come to realize that despite what happened, I just didn't stop caring about her and wanting her to be happy just because she didn't want to be with me; my feelings for her and her well-being didn't just die even though I thought they had. And though I know she's gone for good, I still feel this way. I've also taken a long, hard look at my life in the last few weeks and thought about where it's going, what I've done right, what I've done wrong, what I need to work on, etc. so I suspect it's all related. Ironically, after I sent my e-mail, she replied that she is breaking up with the guy and she's realized that her own issues caused our problems - she even went so far to tell me that I was never the problem at all. I know I caused some but it was nice to hear nonetheless. So I find that, for me, this whole process is occurring in two basic stages: 1 - acceptance of what happened and losing of the hurt/anger associated with it (which I've passed) and 2 - getting to the point where I believe she is not who I was meant to be with and that I'll want to find and be able to find someone I'll care about as much as I do her (which I'm still working on). I guess I was just curious: have other folks out there experienced something similar? Where you get over the break-up and the person separately? Not sure how much sense I made here
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 So I find that, for me, this whole process is occurring in two basic stages: 1 - acceptance of what happened and losing of the hurt/anger associated with it (which I've passed) and 2 - getting to the point where I believe she is not who I was meant to be with and that I'll want to find and be able to find someone I'll care about as much as I do her (which I'm still working on). I guess I was just curious: have other folks out there experienced something similar? Where you get over the break-up and the person separately? Not sure how much sense I made here That's how it worked for me - stages. Except I got over the person first, the relationship (and everything that came with it) second.
Nappeal Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Oh Lord, I absoultely understand. After my EX left, wow...I can't even tell you the shock, anger, sadness...everything, that I went thru, although I know you understand completely. Its taken me a good 2 yrs to get over the anger, resentment and bitterness. It took that long just to get over everything w the relationship. It hasn't been until the last maybe year that I've come to fully accept that this man who was my first love, first husband and father of my children, isn't actually the man I was meant to be with. I always thought, since we got married, that he was 'the one'...and still to a certain degree I totally believe it; just maybe not in a romantic sense. He's now someone who I consider a very good friend of mine, and we have a fantastic co-parenting relationship. Its taken 3 yrs to get here, but I definitely agree that everyone needs to accept the end of the relationship before they can accept the reality of the other person. I think when a relationship ends, people actually mourn the ending of the relationship, and not really the person per se.
ohno89 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I think when a relationship ends, people actually mourn the ending of the relationship, and not really the person per se. I agree, it's just difficult at times to distinguish between the two and allow yourself to believe it; it's very easy to think of all their positives and how you do actually just miss that person but...there's plenty other people out there who can treat you better, you've just gotta allow yourself to start believing that.
dragonwave Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I agree, it's just difficult at times to distinguish between the two and allow yourself to believe it; it's very easy to think of all their positives and how you do actually just miss that person but...there's plenty other people out there who can treat you better, you've just gotta allow yourself to start believing that. Broken Wolf - looks like you are moving out of being broken and into howling Healing does come in stages and once full acceptance (to the best of being human) can occur, all the anger, hurt, resentment, doubt etc start to fall away which I susepct you are feeling. Good feeling eh? Like you, I had to first accept the ending of my marriage to see my ex-wife in the "right" light and while she had (has) many good traits, there were others that with the right perspective I could see she was not the person I was really meant to be with. There is a difference between "realizing" its over and "accepting" its over. I could not get over her, until I saw the marriage for what it really was and forgave her for walking out. I suspsect your email to your ex-wife gave you closure for yourself...job well done. Like the post quoted above indicates, there are others that will treat you BETTER. Need to consider focusing on the values and attributes of what you want your future love to possess. Its encouraging to read that we do heal from past hurts, its a different stages for all of us....kudos man, you are on your way!!
dragonwave Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 2 - getting to the point where I believe she is not who I was meant to be with and that I'll want to find and be able to find someone I'll care about as much as I do her (which I'm still working on). Meant to add (internet down all) that you may need to accept that a part of you will always love your ex-wife and that is OKAY. Its not wrong or means you are not over her....I came to realize that there will always be a part of my heart that belongs a bit to my ex-wife, cause I really did love her and the hold that love had one me just weakened with time. Also, you will love/care for the next woman differently because she will be and is different than your exwife. Be cautious of the benchmark you hold in terms of defining "i'll care about as much as my ex-wife". You could potentially set yourself up for disappointment unintentionally. For myself, in moving forward, I was given the advice from IC in moving past my ex-wife to hold on to the notion that I need to think and feel when the next woman came along "this is the best thing (woman) that ever happened to me" as opposed to comparing a new love against my ex-wife. It was great advice that I share with you and all others on LS and helped me not focus on my ex, rather the new love and what she brought to me.
1/2moon Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Absolutely understand. It was with forgiveness towards my EX and forgiveness towards myself, I was actually able to "let go". Its a HUGE step...the acceptance and forgiveness. All those thoughts of "why did it happen", the doubts, anger, hurt etc.....they just died off with time and my mind was no longer consumed by it. With that, I was able to see my ex in a different light...for who he truly was and knocked him off the pedestal a bit (that was a good thing) and got over him. It took time but I realized I made him out to be "greater" than he was. Be careful of learnign your EX is now breaking up with her current man...its easy to get ropped back in. I am sure its bringing up alot of new thoughts and emotions. Don't underestimate your vulnerability to that news. Like my granny always said "a leper does not change its spots". Keep looking forward and close this door behind you for good. You gave yourself and EX a great present of forgiveness (whether she was seeking it or not) with your email. Let it end there. Focus on your healing and you will see that you won't be broken for much longer ....keep believing that!
YSS Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 OMG I can so relate. It took me a long time to "let go" and genuinely not harbour any ill feelings or heaps of emotions about the relationship. For me, that stage came first and then came the next stage where I no longer had strong feelings about my EX. Until I let go, I was convinced my EX was the only one I was meant for. Dragonwave offers good advice, in that, there may very well be a soft place for your EX always in your heart. That is, a tiny corner of your heart as opposed to your whole heart. It is okay and completely normal. My folks divorced when I was young and even though they are both happily remarried, I know they still hold a special place in their heart for each other. It does not take away the love and affection they have for their current spouses. Its just life. You will love/care for another again and the fact that you want to get to that stage, you will. Whatever you do, don't compare the "degree" of how you feel about a new love with your EX....you can't compare, its not fair to the new person and each person deserves to be embraced for what they bring to you as opposed to how they are different from the EX. Also, good advice for all of us to meet someone where we feel we "have meet the best thing that has ever happened to us". There is heaps of potential in such a relationship if we give it its fair shot, for it will bring out the best in us, inspire us to want to be better and show us a new and different kind of love that we have yet to experience. With time, we all see that our EXs were not the best thing that ever happened to us, you will see this too. Good luck to you!
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated. It *is* a good feeling to have reached this point and to still want happiness for her. When I think of where I used to be... wow. I think we both got some closure out of it (her feeling forgiveness and me giving it) and I'm so glad I did it. dragonwave: that is very good advice re: comparing and benchmarking. I think I may have been guilty of this already. I'm not sure how I would not do those things (however subconsciously) but I will try and keep this in mind. It makes total sense. 1/2moon: though I did offer help (talking, etc.) I'm not really worried about getting roped in; she is now fully aware that she has issues to deal with and I have my own as well (separate from the whole divorce thing). But it's a wise warning nonetheless. YSS: thank you for the kind words. As for comparing, I know that is something I have to work on. I'm a while off from that point for now, but I will remember this when it comes time.
dragonwave Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 dragonwave: that is very good advice re: comparing and benchmarking. I think I may have been guilty of this already. I'm not sure how I would not do those things (however subconsciously) but I will try and keep this in mind. It makes total sense.. Happy to help anytime friend. We have all walked these trails glad to read you have a good feeling running through your veins. Half moon offered good advice about not getting roped back in....talking is usually the first step. You gotta admit, she does have alot of issues and caused you and now the OM alot of pain. I think your EX has taken up enough of your time (years) and you do not owe her this compassion. Let her go! Walk away now with this good feeling. As you start to see your EX in the "right" light, she will no longer have a strong hold on you. The need to compare is always there (to some extent) and it is a conscious effort not to - cause if we were all to compare ....none of us would ever move on, simply cause each of us is different - different strenghts and weaknesses. Given that you have been guilty of this already, could it be, that you did not give that woman the fair shot she deserved? perhaps your relationship deserved? perhaps the happiness you DO deserve? Given the healing you are in now (close to the end, trust me), possibly timing was wrong, dunno, but maybe the woman was not. Thats the thing with time, it does allow us to correct things and make them right.
1/2moon Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated. It *is* a good feeling to have reached this point and to still want happiness for her. When I think of where I used to be... wow. I think we both got some closure out of it (her feeling forgiveness and me giving it) and I'm so glad I did it. 1/2moon: though I did offer help (talking, etc.) I'm not really worried about getting roped in; she is now fully aware that she has issues to deal with and I have my own as well (separate from the whole divorce thing). But it's a wise warning nonetheless.QUOTE] ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BW....be caregul not to get roped back in. Thankfully, you recognize she has issues and needs to sort herself out. She should not be doing this with the support of those (YOU) that she hurt along the way. Sheesh, how lucky for her to get your forgiveness email when she in the process of hurting another again. Don't mean to be cruel/blunt, but you gotta walk away and if you really wanna help, give her a link to therapists in town to help her. You have given enough. You need to put yourself first. Keep on your path to heal and invest that energy/support towards yourself not her. Keeping plugged into her life and current pain/issues, is not going to set you free. Impossible to move beyond stage 2 if you go down this road. Do what is best for you and not for her. C'mon, you did not come this far to potentially slide backwards.
on edge Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 there are always emotional stages when one deals with a loss. sounds like you have made some great progress.
YSS Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 YSS: thank you for the kind words. As for comparing, I know that is something I have to work on. I'm a while off from that point for now, but I will remember this when it comes time. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]You are welcome. I am new here and have found it to be an awesome forum. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Being new, not sure if this is ok but I went and read your older posts...OMG your exwife did a number on you. OMG it was awful what you went through, I could feel the devestation in your words. I could not believe that while she was deciding between you and the other dude she actually used you as a sounding board, even months after she moved out. Unreal...now that's special and just downright insensitive and selfish. Talk about boundary issues. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Wow - its inspriational to read that you have found a way to let all that pain go and forgive her. You sound like a smart guy and evidently you were selfless and ethical enough to walk away from your affair quickly, hmmmmm why wasn't she? Bet you dollars to donuts that affair was going on for quite a long time - not that it matters now! Its all behind you.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I agree with 1/2moon, do not get ropped back in. Its easy to do when you are still trying to get beyond she is the "one". Don't put yourself in that spot again where you are her sounding board over her current break up. Take the assurance she gave you that you were not at fault, hold onto the closure and let that lift your spirits. Keep this good feeling going. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Trust me, a person that did what she did to you, is not who you are meant to be with. You will see that with time, like all of us have. Plus, you already had the experieince of finding someone amazing that you believed you were meant to meet. Its already happened, maybe you just did too much comparison and unintentionally pushed away a wonderful and suitable person who may have actually been the "one". Good luck to you. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author br0ken_w0lf Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Thought I would post an update on this... YSS, I suspect if I went back and read those old threads, I wouldn't even recognize that it was me (and no doubt some were posted while drunk ) I really can't explain why I let go of everything, it was not intentional at all and I really just expected to be one of those people who forever had bad feelings for their exes. But it has been 3 years and I realized that as much as I tried to convince myself of those bad feelings, I know that's not the kind of person I am and I can't ignore the fact that I still care about her just because we're not together. I shared 5 years of my life with this person and though I *was* hurt terribly, I played a part in the ending of the relationship with my own issues and she's recently discovered issues of hers that she wasn't even aware of that stem back to childhood. She never intended for it to happen and I do know it was extremely hard on her. So I consider it in the past... I had been checking in with her every few days previously to see how she's doing and we actually ended up grabbing a walk/coffee the other night (I had offered to let her see a pet we once shared while the pet is still with us, and she took me up on it) and it was quite interesting. For 3 years, I'd wondered how I would react if I ever saw her on the street. Yet it was very comfortable, literally like talking with an old friend. As I sat across from her, not once did I even begin to have a bitter or angry feeling from the past. I saw only the person that I once shared my life with, who is at the moment in a great deal of pain and suffering, which hurts me as well. We got caught up, we hugged, she thanked me, and I offered any kind of help I can in the future. I suspect many will say that I'm crazy for that but I can't say that I care about someone this much, and just walk away when they're in a mess. I *do* hope she gets things sorted out, I *do* hope she's able to be happy someday, and I *do* worry about her, almost as much as I did when we were together. But the difference now is that we're not. And I'm working on improving my own life and my own issues for a change as well!
YSS Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You are not crazy rather compassionate of you to check in with her and take the time to see her. I do understand how once the anger falls away you want that person to be happy. Reading your post objectively, its evident you are still emotionally invested and I do hope that your momentum to heal and better yourself is not so you can reconcile but rather so you can truly put this all behind you. Be careful broken wolf not to get roped back into her life. Good luck to you.
dragonwave Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You are not crazy man, a good compassionate guy. We all reach a breaking point of being tired of feeling stuck and horrible. You reached yours and were able to let it all go. You have given this woman 5 years of your life, not to mention the last 3. That's 8. Yeah I know, I should enroll at MIT for my math genuis skills:p While you say you cannot walk away while she is in this much pain, YSS makes a good point about getting wrapped back into her life. Be careful, broken wolf...healing happens in stages. 8 years of your life is a long time to give to someone who is currently no longer yours....do you really think it would benefit you (in your healing) to continue to give more? Some former spouses/partners can remain friends when there is no more love/care feeling beyond that of a friend. I doubt you are there yet - you are still working on believing she is not the one you are meant to be with. Maybe I am wrong, only you know. Kudos that you are taking charge of your life to turn it around the way you see fit, but make sure the intention is not hope for reconiliation but to truly get on with your life without your EX. Down deep inside you know the answer to this question.
1/2moon Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I had been checking in with her every few days previously to see how she's doing and we actually ended up grabbing a walk/coffee the other night (I had offered to let her see a pet we once shared while the pet is still with us, and she took me up on it) and it was quite interesting. I suspect many will say that I'm crazy for that but I can't say that I care about someone this much, and just walk away when they're in a mess.! I applaud your efforts to let the pain go and make positive changes in your life. You seriously need to start asking yourself "why" you are doing what you are doing. Its one thing to offer forgiveness and obtain closure...but....why do you feel the need to check in on her and act upon it, why can you not walk away? Why do you feel you need to continue to worry about her emotional well being? This is deeper than merely caring for your EX. Her current pain has nothing to do with you.....are you worried about the others you have hurt this past year? Are you worried about the possible "mess" in your neighbour's life whose wife you decided to have an affair with? Are you worried about the woman you dated that you claimed you were convinced was the one you were meant to meet (can only assume you shared those sentiments with her) and then whose heart you broke and did so with an email (WTF?) and then felt "disresepcted" cause she was "horribly upset"...y'a think. I cannot help but shake my head in the worry you have for your EX's pain of which you did not contribute directly as opposed to the others whose pain was a direct result of your actions, including your own pain these past years. Making changes in our lives is about self awareness and exploring "why" we did/do what we do. While I admire compassion, perhaps you should direct some of it to those who have been impacted by your direct actions as opposed to your EX. I doubt this post will be popular with you, but from where i sit, you have yet to knock your EX off her pedestal. You know you are not together....but your actions, its as if you are. red flag my friend.....acting this way will not help you get passed stage 2. Think about it.
YSS Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 You seriously need to start asking yourself "why" you are doing what you are doing. Making changes in our lives is about self awareness and exploring "why" we did/do what we do. Perhaps you should direct some of your compassion to those who have been impacted by your direct actions as opposed to your EX. /QUOTE] Well said. Our paths to self-discovery and improving ourselves are very much about not what we did/what happened...that is obvious...but its the "why". Why we do what we do, why we respond the way we do, why we permitted certain behviour towards us, why we were cowardly and/or courageous, why it impacts us they way it does, and the list goes on.....this is the HARD work. Often times it takes some professional help through IC. While its hard, and I mean HARD, it gets to the core of our beliefs, strengths, values and weaknesses. BW- while 1/2moon was rather blunt , he/she was bang on in everything in his/her post. Not sure how others think about this. Definately, something to think about. Good luck to you.
Recommended Posts