My wife recently left me...

[w.e.]

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I really need to vent 0_o

 

My wife and I are both 23 years old. We have an 8 year friendship - I've loved her since I first layed eyes on her. We were always very close, but I was respectful of her prior relationships. Eventually, we got together...for a short week. At that point, I figured we just weren't in the right place. We were both in a very difficult life situation at that point, we both used drugs heavily. She left me for a series of short relationships, but we remained close friends.

 

Ultimately, she got pregnant with a man who denied that the child was his, treated her poorly, and a number of other horrible things. I was the first person that she told of her pregnancy and needless to say, I was a bit hurt. I felt pain for her and my own pain was overbearing. I tried to help however I could. I was her shoulder to cry on and I provided her with as much information as I could to help her make strong decisions regarding how she was going to handle the situation. She decided to have the child on her own.

 

3-4 months into her pregnancy, we became more close. We developed an intimate relationship and she moved into my house, eventually. We shared every step of the pregnancy and I supported her in every decision that was made. I went to doctor appointments with her and even cut the child's umbilical cord.

 

2 years later, our relationship thriving and our son growing like a weed, we began to discuss marriage. We got married and had a wonderful honeymoon. I'd never been more happy. Soon after, however, I was fired from my job. I began DJing clubs and focusing a lot of my efforts on music production. I began to get depressed sitting around the house all the time and about 6 months into our marriage I became more isolated and stressed. I started going out and drinking more frequently. I always encouraged her to come along, and sometimes she would. I started going back to school during that time, as well. I did well the first semester, but the second, not so much. I felt uncomfortable with my lack of success regarding school and employment and not very confident. I noticed that she began losing interest in me, which made the situation worse. I did not know how to stop this downward spiral.

 

About 3 months ago, she told me that I needed to obtain some goals, a job, etc and she left home. During this time, she began contacting ex-boyfriends via facebook. One of which she texted regularly. A week after that, she came back...and a week after, she left again - this time saying that she no longer loved me. I had already scheduled a trip to see my mother out of state prior to all of this occuring, so I went ahead with the trip. While I was gone, she texted me and sent me an email about how she had made a mistake. She said that she was willing to do whatever it took to fix our marriage. Well, the weekend before I came back, one of her ex's was in town...and as soon as I got back, she left again. Initially, she agreed to go to counseling, but changed her mind. She said she simply does not love me.

 

It's been 2 months since she left, and I'm really beginning to feel helpless about the situation. At the beginning, I had a feeling there might be another person involved. About 3 weeks after our separation, she asked me to watch our son for a weekend so she could go see one of her girlfriends - I already knew she was lying to me because her girlfriend was in Alaska at the time. The evening she came back, someone had posted pictures on her facebook page with her and an ex-boyfriend.

 

In the earlier weeks of our separation, I fell back to reason and logic in speaking to her. I could not understand why our relationship was not worth work, especially in considering our son. In our negotiations regarding our son, I found her proposals to be very unfair to both me and our child which led to a lot of arguing, even threats on her behalf regarding me not being the child's biological father.

 

I've been attending counseling and I have been taking active leaps in order to turn my life around. I've been struggling with the bills of a household while being unemployed. I've got a difficult path ahead of me, but I've put together a 5 year plan that I am more motivated than ever to accomplish.

 

I've had a lot of difficulty in taking my mind off her, however. I understand that she is making her own decisions and is on her own path, but her actions truly concern me. She has made no effort to get her own place - she is still living with a friend of hers. Almost every weekend since our separation, she has asked me to watch our son. One day, she brought up divorce as if we should begin the process immediately which lead to another argument.

 

Things seem to be going better the past couple of weeks. I still watch our son so she can go out and party on the weekend, however, we've began talking more (typically small-talk...I'll ask her about her painting or her work). We've got out to lunch a couple of times. She even brought me lunch one day. She seems to text me quite frequently. She'll send me pictures of our boy or ask me how he's doing when I have him. Sometimes even random things I really don't give a <expletive> about (for instance, she knows neither my son nor I eat eggs but, out of the blue, she texted me about the salmonella egg crisis) As it stands right now, I have him from 8am-4pm Mon-Fri and Sundays, officially. Unofficially, it's pretty much every day that I have him which makes me quite sad...not because I do not want our son to be around me but because it seems as though she does not want our son to be around her. It's very difficult for me to cope on the weekends because that is when she abandons everything to see her current fling.

 

I still love her very much. I put together a photo album, a small flower arrangement, and wrote her a note last week. She looked the album over - I saw her fighting off tears through a few pictures - then she asked if she could read the note at home. She seemed very appreciative of the gift, however hasn't mentioned anything more about it.

 

I'm trying to give her space but at the same time, I still want her to know that I am there for her and that I DO want her to come back. Regarding her new boy-toy, I don't mean to talk trash, but IN MY OPINION, a person that would actively seek to interfere with someone's marriage has no respect for that person, not to mention our son...along with the fact that my wife has not (to my knowledge) introduced our son to this man, I feel like this rebound relationship is just that and there may still be hope. I know that it will require a lot of effort from both of us to recover our relationship, but she isn't really showing any signs of wanting to do that. I know we could be happy with one another and I now understand the mistakes of my past and have a renewed desire to accomplish my goals. Unfortunately, it takes 2...and, while I feel that her path will lead her back to me, it may not.

 

I guess my question is this; anyone have a love potion I could borrow? X_X

Edited September 7, 2010 by w.e.
Details!

[w.e.]

Regarding the NC policy, I seem to struggle with it a bit at times. Though, clearly she has as well. Our pattern seems to go as such; She will contact me first one day, I will respond accordingly, the next, I will contact her first, she will respond accordingly, and so on.

 

I'm a bit guilty of flirting with her at times, but she usually humors my advances with a laugh and a smile...but, of course, it's never returned. I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes I can't help it - I must say, my wife is a stone cold fox.

 

I guess it's never too late to start this no contact bit? X_X

Edited September 7, 2010 by w.e.

[Darth Vader]

Regarding the NC policy, I seem to struggle with it a bit at times. Though, clearly she has as well. Our pattern seems to go as such; She will contact me first one day, I will respond accordingly, the next, I will contact her first, she will respond accordingly, and so on.

 

I'm a bit guilty of flirting with her at times, but she usually humors my advances with a laugh and a smile...but, of course, it's never returned. I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes I can't help it - I must say, my wife is a stone cold fox.

 

I guess it's never too late to start this no contact bit? X_X

 

 

Why are you still wasting your time on this woman? She doesn't love you. BTW, have you gotten paternaty testing done on the child? Why should you watch her child while she screws other men, especially if it ain't yours. And please don't say that you put up with this because you love her, she doesn't love you, so what's the point? Drop her!

[w.e.]

About the child, it's a difficult situation. I have essentially been his primary caretaker since birth. I love him to death. I am his father, and he is my son, regardless of biology. I certainly do not mind keeping him as much as possible, but it does sadden me that she is not as adamant about spending time with him.

 

I guess I am still putting up with this woman because I want to reconcile. She may feel as though she does not love me now, but we've shared true love for one another in the past. I feel like we could work through our differences. Of course, it takes 2, but it also takes time.

 

I don't know, I just look at it like this; I haven't had a job for the past year, I have been depressed and distant, and we both lack a lot of real knowledge on life. In reality, she should support me and help me turn things around, but if she felt like it wasn't a possibility without taking drastic measures, I almost understand where she could make this decision. Along with the fact that she may be feeling like she has missed out on certain things while being locked into such commitments as a child and marriage at such a young age, there's a lot of room for doubt regarding our relationship.

 

I feel like things could turn around once I turn myself around and once she has a little time to figure herself out. She seems to be treading water, at the moment. She still has a lot of stuff in my house, she still living with a friend, she hasn't served me with papers, she still contacts me frequently, etc, etc. While she has began a relationship with another person, I'm sure they haven't spent a sober moment together. They only see one another on weekends and he seems more like her escape than her love and given this man's personality, I just don't see it becoming anything serious.

 

So, clearly, I need to get my <expletive> together regardless of whether or not she will change her mind. If she does - we will have A LOT of work ahead of us but I know that we would only be stronger from the experience.

[w.e.]

Well, since writing this, I've gotten a job that will have me working weekends and I've cut off all contact outside of the necessary. I'm interested to see how that will work out for her and her fling.

 

In the house she is currently staying, our son sleeps in the same room as her. I find it very difficult to imagine her ever having the other man there and I also think that she will have trouble getting her family to watch our son every weekend.

 

At this point, I'm not willing to let her simply walk back into my house, but I am still willing to seriously work on our issues and see how it goes from there. Of course, she still has to want to address them, etc...but it seems like she is on a downward spiral and I wonder when the realization of her actions will set in (if ever).

[Doing it Since '78]

Im sorry bro, I know easier said than done-But cut ties with this broad...LIKE YESTERDAY!!!

 

And unfortunatley, her son as well. He is a casualty of her awful degenrate behavior. Cut both of them off, cancel the visiitation plan, and have a kid of your own. Act fast before the courts stick with child support for a kid not even yours

 

You sound like a sucker in love, but in reality, your just a sucker. You are a good source of babysitting, nothing more. How dare she threaten to keep some others dude mistake away from you? She should be kissing the ground you walk on, instead she is boo booing on the table you eat on.

 

You are watching anothers mans baby while your wife has sex with strange men. What's going to happen when this new joker knocks her up? You gonna play daddy again?

 

Leave her and the kid to her own pervese desires-ITS NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM!!!!

[w.e.]

Again, man...Regardless of biology, that child is mine. If he were adopted by a happy couple and then the couple split, I wouldn't expect either party to bail.

 

Regarding whether or not I'd "play daddy again" - absolutely not. That would certainly be where I drew my line.

 

My perspective is this, at the moment; if she does come back - there is no undoing what has been done. She will have a lot of work to do, as will I. But I hate to cross it out as a possibility less than 2 months into separation. I know there is potential for growth. We truly did have a great relationship up until about 8 months ago...people make mistakes. And YES, I know that she has to be willing to address them, but it could just take time.

 

I do love her, but I understand that I have to be careful in moving forward. I'm done with trying to talk to her and I am just leaving it in her hands from here on. She can serve me the divorce papers, she can come back to me, she can do whatever she wants. Ultimately, it will be her decision to live with. All I know is that I am capable of at least trying to mend things....for how long, I do not know. But it won't be forever as I may have thought at the beginning. And the longer it goes on, the more rapidly I may actually think about cutting my emotional ties with HER, but certainly not OUR son.

 

Right now, I feel as though I need to give her an honest chance to really think about the position as I seem to have done nothing but push her away in playing friendly and trying to get her to come back. Not contacting her will, as always stated, not only potentially help her think about what she's doing...but it will help me if she doesn't.

 

I'll still talk regarding certain things about our son...but that will be the extent of it. Shoulda done it sooner...but I didn't stumble onto this forum until a short time ago. As it stands, what is done is done. I have emptied myself and said everything I needed to. I am more comfortable in not talking to her or even moving forward without her because I know that I've said my part on the matter. ANYTIME she wants to sit down and discuss things, I'll oblige. I won't initiate it, but I will always be happy to talk and move from there.

[jnj express]

Hey W E---Your wife is immature, and has major problems----she is also toxic to you-----You are only gonna get one try at life on this planet, and right now your life is nothing but miserable-----most others your age, are out having a good time, just enjoying life, they will get married when the time is right

 

You---have a son, and yes he is your son---but your problems are that his bio. father doesn't want him---and his mother ships him off to you, when he gets in the way of her partying---but if you want this boy, fine----

 

You need to get a divorce, and go for full custody, I am willing to bet your wife will give you custody in a heartbeat

 

Stop fighting what will never be----you can't force her to love you, or want you, and she is only using you as a fallback plan if even that

 

Go out and enjoy your life----once a day passes, you are never gonna get it back---and right now your days are all dark----go out and find the sunshine

[Steadfast]

There is no magic potion, no magical words or actions. The harder you try, the more she'll pull away. The reason she throws you crumbs? She wants to keep you around because you're handy. Free babysitting while she 'parties' (which is one way of saying she's doing way more than that) and because you are loving and hopeful, it eases her guilt. She's immature and selfish.

 

But even if she wasn't, she still wouldn't be in love with you.

 

It's a tough world, and the challenges of establishing a career and getting ahead are more daunting now than ever. For a young man like yourself, the additional burden of a wife and child makes a difficult situation even harder.

 

For future reference, please know that 'for better and for worse' means just that. You were burdened down with responsibilities that you were not financially ready to support, and that situation no doubt weighed down and broke an already iffy relationship. My advice is to waste no more time on this person emotionally (which includes hopes and dreams of a future together) secure custody for the child you love, and move on with your life. Stabilize yourself financially before getting into another relationship.

 

I know you love her. The world is full of people who love someone they are not with. Understand that this woman (or anyone who isn't genuine, and honest) will only cause you more heartache and grief. Let her become someone else's problem. Choose wisely, be picky and focus on you.

[w.e.]

thank you all for your input. I appreciate your words. Its, of course, a tough pill to swallow, but I feel as though I'm at least making progress toward the acceptance. It is still really painful...but I am starting to feel as though I will be better off from this experience.

 

The most difficult thing that I am fighting to accept is that this woman is certainly not the same person that I married.

[cyabye]

The most difficult thing that I am fighting to accept is that this woman is certainly not the same person that I married.

 

Yes she is. You were "in love" and just didn't see it my friend. It happens. Now pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get moving.......far away from her. You are young and letting the best years of your life go because of some imature........You know what you must do.

 

cya

[habs53]

Thats a pretty sad situation you are in for sure. Doesnt seem fair. But life isnt fair.

Forget her. Do nothing for her, and i mean nothing. Dont talk except about the child. Nothing else. No phone calls, no emails ......nothing.

She is gone. Face the facts.

Watch the child while she goes out partying. Geez man, get a grip.

[w.e.]

id much rather watch the child than have her put him in uncomfortable or dangerous situations, or even with a babysitter. I have to work weekends now, so it will no longer be a possibility anyway.

 

Oh well, I suppose. I am concentrating on myself however. I'm not quite comfortable in trying to get with another woman, of course...but I've made several drastic changes since she's left. I've been riding my bike more frequently, hanging out with friends, quit drinking soda and alcohol, eating well, etc. I've gotten a new car, a job...everything has changes. Unfortunately, my feelings of hope for reconsiliation are difficult to fight off. I just feel like she could wake up at any moment...but it seems more like a pipe dream more recently.

 

Any suggestions for coping with these feelings? I hate to think of her in a negative light, because quite honestly, it makes me feel stupid for ever having loved her. How about positive means in coping vs concentrating on her wrong doings -_-

[w.e.]

doubt post, oops

Edited September 9, 2010 by w.e.

[w.e.]

ok, now a serious question....the engagement ring i gave her, which she left...is worth $14,000. I could never give the ring to another person - including my son. To me, the ring itself is tainted. I want to do ****, etc...if in my position, would you sell it?

 

Assuming, of course, there is NO chance of reconciliation beyond this point.

[whichwayisup]

The most difficult thing that I am fighting to accept is that this woman is certainly not the same person that I married.

 

She isn't. This woman hasn't been "alone" ever. Seems she's always had a man to rely on, had a boyfriend in the picture. Part of her problem, look at her past..It's repeating itself. She goes from one to another, to another.

 

Focus on you, your child, your job, your friends, family etc. Don't make her a priority since she isn't making you hers.

 

If/when the time comes she realizes she's made bad mistakes and wants to work thing out with you, THEN talk to her, see where your head is then. Until that time, do the NC and ONLY speak to her when it concerns your kid.

 

Just hang onto the ring for now. Put it away somewhere safe..

[w.e.]

I like that...word, man. ****in trippin over here...X_X

 

Reasonable thinking, logical thinking. ****. Lol. It's what I latched on to from the beginning. Somewhere along the line I've convinced myself that it was only messing me up further. But it ain't even important what's going on with me, as long as I'm able to provide, etc. It's all about the boy 0_o

[jnj express]

14K is 14K----its your money----I don't know if in a market like this you will get 14K for the ring????---If you can't get decent value for the ring, then put it away in a safe deposit box, and somewhere down the road, you will decide what to do about the ring

[w.e.]

Blah, sometimes it's easier than others to deal. She just told me last night that she's finally getting her own apartment in October. I have mixed feelings about it. Kind of weird that she's decided to do that immediately after I tell her that I am no longer going to be able to watch our child on the weekends. X_X

 

On the other hand, it helps me be more at ease with the divorce process to come. She hasn't mentioned anything about it in quite some time...so, I dunno. I'm just trying to focus on myself and keep a PMA.