Depressed Partner

[gad1969]

My previously more often than not awesome partner of the last eight years is in the midst of a nasty depression and he absolutely refuses to seek medical treatment. He's about four months in the hole, but still manages to get himself to work, feed our dogs when necessary and tries to lead an active social life. For my part, I've tried getting him started on herbal treatments: St John's , amino acids etc. Unfortunately I have made many care taker 101 mistakes: trying to bully him into action, using guilt and trying to micromanage his care. In his defense 2010 has been a pretty miserable year for us both: health crises in our aging but very loved pets, a job he's been in (hating) for years causing a professional crisis which lead to him quite literally flipping out and general bouts of small bits of bad luck which add to the pile on his back. I should mention that my career has gone gang busters in the last few years and I have a job I really like and have on average made nearly 50k a year more than him which I suspect causes some degree of envy.

 

In addition to his full-time corporate job, he's a musician in band(s) and frequently keeps typical what I call rock n roll hours where he goes out, sees a show, plays a show and comes rolling in at 4:30 in the morning just like his bartender friends. I'm more of a homebody and this really is screwing up my own life, sleep habits, work etc. He's done this multiple times in this past month finally admitting that he drinks, loses track of time and just wants to have some fun to escape everything going on in his head. This also happened the other night which cumulated in his saying a month ago that he wanted to leave not because he doesn't love me but rather because he needs to change something and maybe by leaving he'd discover our relationship was the source of his problems. After much crying and talk we agree this isn't the avenue we want to pursue at this point. It's been just over a month since that conversation and I can't get past it yet. I'm obsessing over it and while I'm smart enough to realize that whatever is going on within him is his and he needs to deal with it, however it's my ego and emotions which feel like they've been crushed. Unfortunately since this hit the fan back in early June I've been plagued by terrible anxiety and off and on panic attacks which I've been trying to keep a lid on with supplements, yoga and meditation.

 

Additionally I've been examining my own life more thoroughly and trying to not make my relationship the center of all things in my life. Although right now it's right smack dab like this 200 lb weight sitting on my chest. To try to help things, I've also been confronting my own fears of being alone, signed up for a professional certification course to help make future career decisions for myself and encouraged him to continue his own education to complete his degree which he has begun doing

 

I've started seeing a therapist and I've been using the time to think consciously about changing the things I have done in the course of the relationship: neediness, possessiveness and realizing that just because we don't sit down to dinner together every night doesn't mean I'm not loved. To note I have fully encouraged him since this came to light to work out every night, go out and do things and generally think of himself first. Happily I am not feeling insecure about all of the extra-curricular activities as long as they don't involve rolling in drunk at the crack of dawn and I wish I had been more at ease earlier on. Based off of what I've read from other people who suffer from depression, we should both be glad he is still able to function and has enough emotion remaining to be angry at the situation. The suffering some people live under is heartbreaking. But that said I'm not sure I'm a good or unselfish enough person to handle this disease long term; especially when the sufferer refuses to take responsibility for his own mind and body. Particularly when my own ego is still suffering from the other day's "I need to move out." (Although from these readings, this seems like a fairly common response on the depressant's part.)

 

It's funny to think that less than six months ago we were talking about buying a new house ( I own the one we currently live in) and finally getting married. But I think the crux of his depression and a lot of his problems in general is he is a man torn; torn between being a responsible, thoughtful, grown man with responsibilities of things like a good salary, mortgages and car loans and wanting to be the eternal bright young thing in his twenties and early thirties who played in rock n roll bands, went on tour, and holding down low paying jobs (which he liked). Flash forward eight years he's in a job he deservedly hates but can't seem to make himself get out of, has gained twenty five pounds but until recently couldn't force himself to go to the gym and we've neglected the romantic side of our relationship lately settling into a best friends type setting.

 

I've been trying to do these emotional cost benefit analyses of the situation hoping that would shed some light but I just end up thinking "I want my best friend back, you who used to make me hyperventilate with laughter, who sang songs to the cat and who I would do just about anything for". I've been traveling a bunch for work lately and then this week a visit to my parent's to try to de-stress and while away my insecurities over his lack of communication have really been flaring making my trips anxiety ridden affairs.

 

I go home tomorrow and am fully expecting that he'll tell me he's moving out when he picks me up at the airport all due to the poor communication of the last several days. What makes it all the worse is I can't help wondering if maybe a break up is for the best because he doesn't seem willing to do the things necessary for helping his depression: sleeping properly, cutting out or at least radically cutting down the drinking and getting daily exercise. I think he's trying in a limited fashion by attending school and had been more thoughtful about going out less and coming in earlier. I don't think our relationship is the trigger for his depression but I'm sure it's both a help as far as the security and someone who has his back and at the same time I'm sure how this is impacting me is making him feel guilty. Who knows maybe we are the problem, it's just so difficult to get him to communicate.

 

Right now I don't know what to do: ride this out, try to support him knowing what a good person he is and hope when he comes out of it that we can agree on what we both want in life. Ask him to leave and stay in my current town where I have nothing here other than an amazing job and doable mortgage. Ask him to leave but stay in my job for another few months to build up my savings , stock, 401k and move back to my home state where the opportunities aren't as good financially but I have family. I feel like I am in limbo waiting for the other show to drop and he decides that we are the problem and moves out. Part of me wants to strike while the iron is hot and ask him to leave before he can hurt me further or drag me down into the hole with him. Then the kinder part of me thinks in his current state he'll fall apart and become a drunk like his father (now twenty years in recovery). Geez I adore this guy: up until the last few months he could make me sob with laughter and I'd wake up in the morning spooning him thinking just how amazing he could be.

 

Has anyone ever had experience with a partner deep in depression but unwilling to seek treatment?

Edited September 6, 2010 by gad1969

[blackorchid]

Dating someone with depression is hard. Therapy isn't right for everyone. I think that when I'm feeling depressed I usually find the problem is with "the basics" I call them, which are: Sleep, diet, and exercise. Medication I think should only be used as a last resort, with the effects and side effects and whatnot therapy can be stressful and depressing in and of itself. I know you want to help, but I think he might have to figure this one out on his own. I'm not a mental health expert, but this is just my experience.

[newstart43]

Yes, I know a woman who refused to take her anti-depressants for a long period of time (but less than a year) and she messed up her relationship with her SO, and others. It may be beyond repair.

If you feel he acts much more disorientated or not himself without taking them, then bring it to his attention regularly that you believe he needs to go back on them.