can loss of parent change feelings?

[Macster1]

I entered into a long distance relationship with a woman just before she started seperating from and then divorcing her husband. We grew very close and the relationship went from strength to strength but she wanted to keep it quiet out of respect for her ex and the fact that he was making an issue of every single man she spoke to.

Everything seemed to be really strong in the relationship and it was getting to the stage where she wanted to announce our relationship. However her father died and suddenly she wasn't ready for a relationship. She wanted distance to cope with her loss which I respected and gave to her, we still talked a lot almost everyday but the relationship became more platonic. She mentioned fears about relationships in general which I also could understand due to some of the behaviour of her ex.

During the next 5-6 weeks after her fathers death there was a constant distance between us and during that time she told me she was developing feelings for somebody else.

We only met after her fathers death when it was obvious the relationship was dead and after she told me about her feelings for somebody else. When we met we had fun but it was platonic and within a few days of parting she informed me that she didn't want a relationship with me and that she was entering into one with the other person.

We discussed what changed our relationship and she clearly points to her fathers death. One minute it was a strong loving relationship even though it was a long distance one and then with the death of her father her feelings towards me changed and the relationship ended after a further 6 weeks (even though it was effectively dead within a couple of days of her fathers death). She even suggested that if we had've met before her fathers death things would probably have been a lot different, which makes it even harder to take.

 

Do people here feel that a parents death can really have such an affect on a persons feelings for their partner? To me it seems strange. Maybe I'm wrong as I thankfully haven't lost a parent, but I fail to see how such an event, traumatic as it is, should impact on a persons feelings for their partner.

 

On a side note, should I stay friends with her, which she really wants, while her new relationship is going on in the hope that it is also a reaction to her grief and over the next few months she might return to the feelings she had before her fathers death (which I really want)?

[shayan]

The loss of a parent is one of the most difficult set of circumstances someone has to undertake during life. So it is completely possible that the event affected her feelings about you and caused her to become introverted and fearful to love anyone. However, the fact that she was still able to draw up feelings for another man during the ordeal tells you that her father's death was not the reason she chose to leave. Don't hold on if you met and it was platonic then things will stay that way especially since she chose someone else over you. I know it hurts you invested a lot of time and energy into this girl and she just found someone else. However, remember that people often blame outside circumstances for the reason they left so to make it easier on the dumpee and feel less guilty, when in reality this makes the dumpee feel confused and gives them false hope. But if someone wants to be with you it does not matter what happens they won't be thwarted and furthermore they would not be able to find a new love during the process. Move on man. Don't give her any more mental real estate. The best thing you can do for yourself is mourn your loss and open yourself up to new possibilities.

 

I hate to say this my friend but it's rarely ever circumstance, it is usually the fact that the person just finds something they like better, or realize they want something else, don't take it personally we are all perfect the way we are

[silverfish]

I can speak a little from experience, in that the death of a close relative precipitated the end of my relationship. In my case, it was the death of my exH's mother that led to my coming to the conclusion that my new relationship wasn't right for me.

 

It wasn't feelings of guilt or nostalgia so much, more that I wasn't ready for anything new, and it took her death to make me realise that there were more important things in my life that I needed to get in order before I was ready for a relatinship.

 

It was impossible for me to reconcile that 'old' part of my life with the 'new' one, because they weren't in any way a part of eachother. I'm not sure it's relevant to your post, but the relationship would have ended anyway I think it just made it happen sooner.