Don Ho Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 My Ex broke up with me about 2 months ago and this other gal kinda fell into my lap from my gym. She was the one pursuing and chasing me. I've been dating just her. She's a nice, pretty girl, but is very shy and lacks confidence. It seems that I like the ones that don't like me and the ones that like me I'm not interested in (sound familiar?). It's either they're kind of a biatch or a marsh mellow. She texts me every couple of hours and wants to see me all the time. I rarely answer her phone calls. I've told her I'm not too into texting or talking on the phone. I try to not respond much and keep my distance a bit. Then she gets pissed. I'm feeling smothered. She's not very confident and not very out going. My friends have all commented that she's so quite. I don't have to have a woman that's the life of the party, but she's too far on the quite side. It seems we don't have much to talk about either. Along with this she is very thin .... 5' 4" and about 105lbs. I like thin, but she's really thin ... borderline anorexic looking. That has been bothering me more and more. She hardly eats. Everything has too much fat in it or too many calories. Ok, but she only eats about 500 calories a day! I have tried telling her that she looks great but would look even better with a few pounds. I have been continuing to struggle with her introverted personality and her weight issue more and more lately. I advise many people on here to not act like a pussy. Now I have a woman that is acting like a pussy with me, you know, now the shoe is on the other foot. Probably much like your Ex that dumped you, I find myself at a loss of what to do or what to tell her. Am I suppose to say "you need to act more confidently, be more outgoing and gain some weight or I am dumping you"? See my bind? Any ideas or do I just go find another?
chocolate_boy Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Sounds to me she's just not compatible with you, nothing wrong with that. Don't insult her though, next.
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 My Ex broke up with me about 2 months ago and this other gal kinda fell into my lap from my gym. She was the one pursuing and chasing me. I've been dating just her. She's a nice, pretty girl, but is very shy and lacks confidence. It seems that I like the ones that don't like me and the ones that like me I'm not interested in (sound familiar?). It's either they're kind of a biatch or a marsh mellow. She texts me every couple of hours and wants to see me all the time. I rarely answer her phone calls. I've told her I'm not too into texting or talking on the phone. I try to not respond much and keep my distance a bit. Then she gets pissed. I'm feeling smothered. She's not very confident and not very out going. My friends have all commented that she's so quite. I don't have to have a woman that's the life of the party, but she's too far on the quite side. It seems we don't have much to talk about either. Along with this she is very thin .... 5' 4" and about 105lbs. I like thin, but she's really thin ... borderline anorexic looking. That has been bothering me more and more. She hardly eats. Everything has too much fat in it or too many calories. Ok, but she only eats about 500 calories a day! I have tried telling her that she looks great but would look even better with a few pounds. I have been continuing to struggle with her introverted personality and her weight issue more and more lately. I advise many people on here to not act like a pussy. Now I have a woman that is acting like a pussy with me, you know, now the shoe is on the other foot. Probably much like your Ex that dumped you, I find myself at a loss of what to do or what to tell her. Am I suppose to say "you need to act more confidently, be more outgoing and gain some weight or I am dumping you"? See my bind? Any ideas or do I just go find another? If you aren't that into her, which it sounds like you're not, I would suggest letting her down gently. Just say you aren't interested in a relationship right now or some variation of that. Just be nice about it because it sounds like she has major self esteem issues.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Being the dumper is also hard I would tell her exactly how you feel don't dumb it down gently because you know us dumpees will question everything I know I do. Honestly I would tell her the traits that make her unattractive to you and if she is willing to change those traits for not only the relationship but herself then proceed but give her time to implement them too. She will have to want to change for herself though not just the relationship. Now that is also not great advice because I don't feel anyone should change for anyone but themselves but if my Ex did that with me I would be happy because sometimes you need someone to tell you what you could improve on. I love and am in fact in love with my ex and would be willing to change some but not all of myself. I have to treat her like a celebrity crush at the moment someone I can be infatuated with but can't have.
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Being the dumper is also hard I would tell her exactly how you feel don't dumb it down gently because you know us dumpees will question everything I know I do. Honestly I would tell her the traits that make her unattractive to you and if she is willing to change those traits for not only the relationship but herself then proceed but give her time to implement them too. She will have to want to change for herself though not just the relationship. Now that is also not great advice because I don't feel anyone should change for anyone but themselves but if my Ex did that with me I would be happy because sometimes you need someone to tell you what you could improve on. I love and am in fact in love with my ex and would be willing to change some but not all of myself. I have to treat her like a celebrity crush at the moment someone I can be infatuated with but can't have. Sorry, but I don't agree with this. You are going to dump her AND tell her all the things you think are wrong with her?? That is not nice at all. She'll be sad you dumped her and also know how unattractive she was to you. That's a double whammy. Be gentle. There is no need to point out all her flaws.
Author Don Ho Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) Sorry, but I don't agree with this. You are going to dump her AND tell her all the things you think are wrong with her?? That is not nice at all. She'll be sad you dumped her and also know how unattractive she was to you. That's a double whammy. Be gentle. There is no need to point out all her flaws. Shannon, I did not say I was going to tell her anything like that. I was posing a question. On top of it, all of this with this woman just makes me want to call my Ex. She was outgoing, fun and we had a great time kidding around with each other. We were both cut ups. Oh .... that's right, there's a reason she's called an "Ex". Edited September 6, 2010 by Don Ho
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 No Shannon, that's not what I said. I wasn't commenting on what you said, Don. I was commenting on what Billie the Puppet said. He told you to tell her how unattractive she was and hope she changed for you and for herself. I don't agree with pointing out her flaws. If you aren't into her, then let her down gently is my suggestion.
Author Don Ho Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Shannon, I misread what you were commenting on and couldn't change it. My dilemma is that she is a nice girl and those are few and far between (at least in my world). My buddy seems to think it's a trade off: quite, nice loyal woman instead of an outgoing, game playing, attention seeking woman. You would think I could find one in the middle, but it doesn't ever seem to work that way. I have to admit I'm kind of bored and she's not much of a challenge....
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Shannon, I misread what you were commenting on and couldn't change it. My dilemma is that she is a nice girl and those are few and far between (at least in my world). My buddy seems to think it's a trade off: quite, nice loyal woman instead of an outgoing, game playing, attention seeking woman. You would think I could find one in the middle, but it doesn't ever seem to work that way. I have to admit I'm kind of bored and she's not much of a challenge.... Nice women may be few and far between, as they are where I live (men that is), but don't settle. You'll find someone compatible I'm sure, in time. Plus you said you broke up with your ex 2 months ago. It's still fresh. Do you think you've healed enough to move on?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Relationships usually end based on attractiveness My ex was really attracted to me in the beginning but by the end she lost that attractiveness , It's not her it is me but then I hear the opposite from my Ex that its not me its her. That's not the truth how am I going to learn from it. See I feel our relationship ended because our polarities changed at first I was the one in control by the end she was and it didn't suit her needs. I can't tell her this and beg for another chance I just have to go on , I can hope but that only makes the healing process worse I know because I fight hope daily right now. It's not telling her whats wrong with her it's telling her what he is not attracted to. I know it's going to come off harsh but I'd much rather know the truth why things are ending then be let down gently either way being the dumpee if you feel its worthy you are going to want to try and fix these things but sometimes it is passed that point. Honesty is usually the best policy I just wish I got it with my break-up but than again perhaps its different with the psychology with Males and Females perhaps females may rather be let down easy.
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Relationships usually end based on attractiveness My ex was really attracted to me in the beginning but by the end she lost that attractiveness , It's not her it is me but then I hear the opposite from my Ex that its not me its her. That's not the truth how am I going to learn from it. See I feel our relationship ended because our polarities changed at first I was the one in control by the end she was and it didn't suit her needs. I can't tell her this and beg for another chance I just have to go on , I can hope but that only makes the healing process worse I know because I fight hope daily right now. It's not telling her whats wrong with her it's telling her what he is not attracted to. I know it's going to come off harsh but I'd much rather know the truth why things are ending then be let down gently either way being the dumpee if you feel its worthy you are going to want to try and fix these things but sometimes it is passed that point. Honesty is usually the best policy I just wish I got it with my break-up but than again perhaps its different with the psychology with Males and Females perhaps females may rather be let down easy. How would it help this girl for Don to point out all her flaws? Yes, honesty is the best policy, but when you are blatantly pointing out someone's flaws, that is just not right. If he's not attracted to her, then he's not. No need to tell her that and then say "and the reason is...this, this and this." He needs to tell her he isn't interested in a relationship and be done with it.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 He doesn't have to list the reason he could just say he lost attractiveness possibly due to it being to soon for a new relationship. I see what you mean about not listing her flaws but sometimes it can be beneficial to list them. Maybe not things like weight as that can effect someone but issues like clingyness could possibly be addressed.
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 He doesn't have to list the reason he could just say he lost attractiveness possibly due to it being to soon for a new relationship. I see what you mean about not listing her flaws but sometimes it can be beneficial to list them. Maybe not things like weight as that can effect someone but issues like clingyness could possibly be addressed. Being a female with a somewhat fragile self esteem myself, I would not find it beneficial from someone to point out my flaws and then tell me that was the reason he didn't want to date me. I'd prefer someone to say he just wasn't ready for a relationship and that's it. What you don't know can't hurt you.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Being a male I rather know but also with that I would try to go into repair mode to fix those things knowing it won't work out but I could take that info and learn with my next relationship because those same traits may be transferable so it possibly is only a matter of our different mindsets but I am not speaking for all males. Major run on sentence lol. For instant what if this girl in question has had multiple partners all leave her for the same thing but no-one ever told her it is because she is too clingy is she to live life and hope a guy doesn't care if she is too clingy and that she finds him or what if a partner told her this and she realizes this and makes the change and then her next relationship improves because of the fact a previous relationship told her about it?
Author Don Ho Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 See how all this changes when the shoe is on the other foot? As Dumpees many of you say things like "why couldn't their Ex just be honest" and they wish they new the "real" reason for the breakup. Lots of guys on here complain that their Ex just used the "I need space" and "I don't feel the same" excuse. Was their Ex suppose to tell them "You're great, but it's that your personality is too argumentative and I want a guy that's more physically attractive"? Interesting how some of you say I should tell her the reasons and others say I should not tell her, just "fibb" and tell her it's not her it's me or that I don't want a relationship. WTH? Which is it?
Billie The Puppet Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Well it's really only me and Shannon giving our thoughts and we are from different sexes but seeing as your situation is with her sex perhaps its best to use her advice.
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Being a male I rather know but also with that I would try to go into repair mode to fix those things knowing it won't work out but I could take that info and learn with my next relationship because those same traits may be transferable so it possibly is only a matter of our different mindsets but I am not speaking for all males. Major run on sentence lol. For instant what if this girl in question has had multiple partners all leave her for the same thing but no-one ever told her it is because she is too clingy is she to live life and hope a guy doesn't care if she is too clingy and that she finds him or what if a partner told her this and she realizes this and makes the change and then her next relationship improves because of the fact a previous relationship told her about it? I understand what you are saying, but this girl is very thin and paranoid about her weight, which sounds like an eating disorder. This girl is quiet, which sounds like her nature. Can't really control that. Some people are just naturally quiet and shy. She's clingy which is most likely caused by her low self worth. I just don't think it's a good idea to point all these things out to her. Let her go on her way and maybe the next guy will be callous enough to tell her all the things that are wrong with her. Don doesn't want to be that guy. Am I right, Don?
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Well it's really only me and Shannon giving our thoughts and we are from different sexes but seeing as your situation is with her sex perhaps its best to use her advice. Thank you!
ShannonMI Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 See how all this changes when the shoe is on the other foot? As Dumpees many of you say things like "why couldn't their Ex just be honest" and they wish they new the "real" reason for the breakup. Lots of guys on here complain that their Ex just used the "I need space" and "I don't feel the same" excuse. Was their Ex suppose to tell them "You're great, but it's that your personality is too argumentative and I want a guy that's more physically attractive"? Interesting how some of you say I should tell her the reasons and others say I should not tell her, just "fibb" and tell her it's not her it's me or that I don't want a relationship. WTH? Which is it? I want honesty when it comes to cheating or something very serious like that. Not over what I look like or how I'm shy or my mental problems. Do you know what I mean? It's hurtful. This girl has all the problems I just listed and you don't want to be the guy to hurt her.
Star Gazer Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 OP: When I was a freshman in college, I was like your GF. I'm 5'4'' and I was 113 lbs. To many people, that sounds good, but I was a size 0 (sometimes an 00), not the 4 or 6 that looks best on my frame, and had no curves whatsoever. I was a cheerleader, and we had weekly weigh ins, and the goal was to be as light as possible to be a flyer. Anyway, I had a few friends from high school ask me if I was okay (as in, they thought I was sick). While everyone else was gaining the Freshman 10/15, I was busy losing it. I was a gym rat, and was thus very toned. I also paid meticulous attention to what I ate. I *thought* I looked good. Until my BF broke up with me. Weeks afterward, he carefully and gently mentioned that he was worried about my health and had lost attraction for me because I had lost all my curves. This led me to talk to my mom, and then my best girlfriends... who admitted they felt the same way. Honestly, without that convo with the BF, I would have stayed that thin and (admittedly) unhealthy. I started eating better, and gaining weight, and getting compliments on how vibrant I looked. I felt better too. I now struggle with keeping weight off... but that's neither here nor there... My point in all of this is, I do think you should talk to her about this, but I really don't think it should be in conjunction with the breakup conversation.
ShannonMI Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 OP: When I was a freshman in college, I was like your GF. I'm 5'4'' and I was 113 lbs. To many people, that sounds good, but I was a size 0 (sometimes an 00), not the 4 or 6 that looks best on my frame, and had no curves whatsoever. I was a cheerleader, and we had weekly weigh ins, and the goal was to be as light as possible to be a flyer. Anyway, I had a few friends from high school ask me if I was okay (as in, they thought I was sick). While everyone else was gaining the Freshman 10/15, I was busy losing it. I was a gym rat, and was thus very toned. I also paid meticulous attention to what I ate. I *thought* I looked good. Until my BF broke up with me. Weeks afterward, he carefully and gently mentioned that he was worried about my health and had lost attraction for me because I had lost all my curves. This led me to talk to my mom, and then my best girlfriends... who admitted they felt the same way. Honestly, without that convo with the BF, I would have stayed that thin and (admittedly) unhealthy. I started eating better, and gaining weight, and getting compliments on how vibrant I looked. I felt better too. I now struggle with keeping weight off... but that's neither here nor there... My point in all of this is, I do think you should talk to her about this, but I really don't think it should be in conjunction with the breakup conversation. Yes, if you are afraid for her health then tell her gently about it. I agree with StarGazer. Don't do it in conjunction with the breakup, like she said. Well said.
Billie The Puppet Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Even Billie here agrees with the women above if the health issue is a concern tell her but not in conjunction with the break-up in fact place a good deal of time between the two conversations. Which one first is an issue in itself though because she may make the connection with the two if your tell her of your concern and later make the break up convo and I'm not sure if she would be willing to hear out health advice after being broken up either.
Author Don Ho Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Sorry to sound so shallow, but it's not about her health. She is healthy, just really thin. Yes, size 0 or 1 jeans. It's probably unsettling for me because when my Mother had Cancer when I was young she was very thin and frail from the chemo and so on. It's both, the fact that she's thin and also has no emotional back bone.
Silvaria Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Hm, tough question... After giving it some thought, I'm in the camp that thinks you don't need to point out -exactly- why you're not compatible with her, i.e. that she's too thin and too quiet, just that you don't feel the relationship is working out. However, if you do decide to tell her the exact reasons, I would stick with the introverted and quiet reason...women can be incredibly sensitive about their weight, and if she's naturally thin, it doesn't seem like there's much to be gained by telling her she's just too skinny for you.
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