friend vs. romantic partner

[NJL]

I have had a new development in my situation and I am concerned about it. My ex and I have become friends. She is still in a rebound relationship that she started when we first broke up 6 months ago. She has been coming to me with her problems and issues for about 3 months because for whatever reason she doesnt want to share them with her current boyfriend. In the past few weeks, we have become closer friends to the point where she came over today, took me out for lunch, and then we did some shopping together. It was very laid back and fun and we did a lot of laughing. My concern is that I am becoming more of her "buddy" and maybe hurting a potential reconnection and a return to our romantic relationship. I want her to be my girlfriend again, but Im not sure how I can keep being her friend yet make it clear that Im interested in a return to our relationship. Should I and wait to see if her current relationship goes down or do I need to do something else? I dont want to go so far down that "friend" path that she will have no desire to get back together. Has anyone else had this problem and what did you do?

[Billie The Puppet]

I feel you should keep your friendship because withdrawing at this point may have the reverse effect that you want. I'm surprised you can stick to this while she is with someone else at the moment. So you are fairly strong stronger than I at least. You do have to understand though that your chances for a reconcile may be 0% either way friend or not. There is no guarantee I wish there were because I am in the same situation though I can't be a friend at this time my break up is just to fresh. However in your situation you have direct insider information whatever she is feeding you especially about the new guy you can use to your advantages if you get another chance. IE she may be telling you what this person is doing wrong in the relationship. You may also be one of the first to know being the friend status you are currently at if she does end up breaking up with said person. If that does happen don't act on it right away either because she'll need time to heal. However I would also say don't wait for this relationship to fail because it may not. By that I mean if you should happen to find some one else yourself don't be afraid to enter a relationship because you are waiting for your ex.

[NJL]

Thanks for the insight. The odd thing is that she has gone to great lengths to not only keep me in the dark about her relationship (I only find out things through others), but also to keep my relationship a secret from her current partner. Apparently he has no idea she talks to me or occasionally hangs out with me. Im not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. The other thing is that one friend of hers said recently that she things my ex is having "second thoughts" while she told another friend that she wasnt sure what to do in her personal life, although she has since denied this happened. Her mind just seems to be jumping all over the place, which makes my emotions also go everywhere. Its tough to wake up every day and not know what will happen with her. Anyone else have any advice? Thanks!

[Billie The Puppet]

Don't question your ex about hearsay they won't tell you the real answers.

Now if your Ex's mutual friends begin questioning you if you still have feelings etc be cautious too with answers it could be a good sign but it could also just be to feel you out. Only words coming directly from your ex shall be taken seriously.

[vivrantflo]

Sorry but I disagree...

 

Being her friend right now is the wrong thing to be doing. The more you hang out with her, the more you're destroying any chance of a romantic reconnection with her.

 

She feels comfortable sharing her issues and trials with you, because she's comfortable with you. She's still getting accustomed to the new man. And guess what?? The more you act like her best female friend, the easier it is for her to adjust to the new man.

 

If she had any doubts about leaving you, you're helping them go away, cause you're STILL IN THE PICTURE. When she calls you, and asks you to dinner, or to talk, its because she wants to see if you're still available. By you doing this, she now has nothing to lose. She can see her new man, AND talk to you whenever she wants! There's no pressure for her to leave him, and reconsider you, cause she doesn't miss you. How can she, when you're just a phone call away!

 

Her decision was to leave you, so what you do, is make her decision final. NC. You know what that is? No Contact. You'll see it all over this website. No phone calls, emails, texts, bbms, facebook, msn, nothing. Let her see what life is like without you. Only then will she reconsider, IF she does. It's been six months.. she's trying to make it work with him, so you need to vanish from her life... prepare for the worst (her not coming back) and start the healing process!

 

Good luck

[Billie The Puppet]

Reconsidering my reply especially after the above reply. However be ready for a bunch of contact coming your way about why you suddenly disappeared.

[Thorgs]

Here's a fun little test. Is she the one who usually initiates times to hang out? Call her out of the blue one day and ask her to hang out. Chances are she'll say no because your friendship is based on when she wants it.

[NJL]

vivrantflo-Wow, that pretty much put into words what I was thinking, but I wasnt sure. I also work with her so Im going to have to try my best to stay out of her radar. What you said made exact sense, especially when thinking about this past weekend. I asked her straight up if she ever saw us together again and she said NO, then she went to a movie with her current man. The next morning she called me in a very subdued mood, asking me if it was ok if she still called me. The hardest part is going to be not answering the phone when I see it is her.

 

Thorgs-I can already answer that test. If I asked to hang out suddenly out of the blue she would do it only if she had nothing else going on. It is ABSOLUTELY based on when she wants it but if she was free she probably would do it.

 

I guess my question for all of you now is, like Billie said, I will probably get indulged with contact asking me where Ive been, if Im mad about something, etc. I wont be able to totally hide from this because we work together. What should my response be if she asks me what the deal is? Should I just say Ive been busy or what?

Edited September 7, 2010 by NJL

[IfiKnewThen]

question...

 

you said she is coming to you with her problems and issues and not to her boyfriend.

 

so are her problems and issues about her boyfriend? OR are they OTHER problems and issues not concerning HIM directly.

 

i have a few thoughts...depending on what shes talking about.

 

if she is talking about problems and issues with him. thats a good sign that she wants your advise. then you can give her strength here and she can learn to appreciate that quality in YOU. as long as you are just a listener or if she asks your opinion be..objective.

 

if she is telling you about problems at work and home, family , money matters etc. she is more comfortable talking about that with you. than a new man. she doesnt want to put pressure on him,etc. thats where you kinda help him out. but the fact that she talks to you..does kinda make her get closer to you and attachments and bonds can form especially if you guys are laughing. and thats a good thing. (just my opinion...who knows..these ex and a pain in the neck LOL) good lord i am tired of trying so darn hard.

 

anyway, ...my advise is LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT> DONT WAIT TO LIVE. its very hard to serve two masters though. meaning..to get over her and move on to feeling joy again AND and the same time try to get close to her. i know because i am doing this with my ex and it is horrible and my emotions swing like a pendelum. in that i can decide to go or stay and how can we be absolutely effective doing 2 opposite things and once? this is not easy. but we are in limbo for now. and we know what we want...but dont know what we will be allowed to have as far as "they" go. so we hope and try and try. at leat we know we tired. but there will come a time when our threshold will be challenged and its in or out at that point. to me fighting fears and going forward with trying to have them come back to a new beginning with us is fine unless it will hurt is more in the end. my situation was looking a bit better and now......sighs. well anyway...to me..it all depends on what she is talking about...

 

besides feeling.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg sorry for all the typos. i hope you read ifiknew latin LOL

[vivrantflo]

Here are two links that you should take time to read.. Old threads from a user on this site named Caliguy that will clear up what you should be doing.

 

This thread, is a No Contact Q&A session..check it out

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

 

And this one, is the stance you take, when you want to optimize your chances for a second go with your ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/

 

 

 

They are worth the read!

 

Good luck

[IfiKnewThen]

wow . why does it SEEM so different between how you handle things with men and women.

 

from what i read and see....(tell me if i am missing something here please)...

 

it seems....

 

woman need to go out of site to be missed by a man. aka N/C

 

i know N/C is good for a man too. but maybe more for his healing...and in other ways too.

 

but i believe if you are a friend with a women she CAN grow closer to you. i dont mean buddy pal buddy LOL. but being there for her..and an occasional flirt..and let her SEE whats she is missing. look and smell nice. be fun and supportive and then if you bounce she can and will likely miss you. it seems advantageous to be friends for a man looking to get back with his ex woman.

 

whereas with a female...men here are always saying....let them miss you, let him miss you. which makes me think..that's HOW "MEN" react to things. they miss you more if they dont hear from you.

 

time gives them a chance to miss a woman? i dont know..help me out here. but it seems like men and woman process things a bit differently. so what works with a female might be different with what works for a male. and this is all you read in books like men are from mars women are from venus..etc.

 

is it the same basic principle when trying to get someone back or reconnect with them? why is N/C always the tell all answer? cant someone also misread N/C if they are insecure and give up on you completely? thinking you dont want them? after not hearing at all from you?

 

i am well aware of cali and no foolin. spoke to them back when they were on years ago.

 

i wish you luck in whatever you do and i hope you get your ex back and she can come to appreciate you. its not easy what youre doing...but it goes to show...you are willing to put the work in. and shes lucky to have you as a friend now. and apparently she knows that. and i hope she will have a change of heart and i think its possible..and long as you find..love bonds. or should i say make them...gradually. everything is a risk but at least you KNOW you are trying and wont ever have to kick yourself that you didnt try. which i think is WORSE.

 

but what do you guys think about N/C being maybe a bit more effective for a woman wanting her man back. since men seem to think its weak to contact them? and less attractive?

[NJL]

This discussion back and forth is exactly what my concern is. The problems she comes to me with DO NOT involved her current man at all. They involve family, work, health, money, all that kind of stuff. She has made it really clear that she doesnt feel comfortable talking to her current man about these things, however she tells me NOTHING about her man, even keeping him out of stories she tells me even though I find out later that he was there. She is also not telling her man anything about me. Part of me says that being her friend is keeping a connection and that is what you want because its possible to "regrow" the relationships, while another part of me says that I am just helping him out and no matter how much Im there for her, she isnt coming back unless he dumps her or something. This is such a tough situation. Any thoughts on it?

[IfiKnewThen]

you doesnt want you out of her life. she still wants you around.

 

and weighing things is relevant.

 

no one knows the future. but i think you are better off for a chance...in the picture. thats just an opinion..untill you cant handle it or it goes another way. all the books say..if you want them back..be a friend. last resort. or very last resort. N/C and move on

[IfiKnewThen]

typo above. SHE doesnt want you out of her life

[NJL]

Yeah, she has made it pretty clear that she doesnt want me out of her life. I just dont want to be sitting here as her "go to buddy" and then suddenly find out that she is engaged to this new guy. I think I may try to use both tactics and still be around and a friend, but try to be a bit more mysterious and not letting her know what is going on in my life. Im also going to try to make myself "less available" to her. I think if I show that I still care, but also that I am willing to move on, she will be able to decide for sure. Im also going to go ahead and go on dates if they are out there and just see what happens.

[NJL]

I wanted to give an update on my situation and ask for any more advice that anyone has to share. I am still acting in the "friend" role with my ex, but I have stopped calling her and instead talked to her when she called me. Several days this week she called me right after work or in the evening and we had good conversations. For whatever reason, the only time she sees her current relationship is on Friday and Saturday nights, so I guess she has plenty of time for me. I have already promised myself that I would not call her this weekend and will only talk to her if she calls me. She has shown me that she is having some jealousy issues because she called a co-worker of ours "my girlfriend" out of the blue. Then when I questioned her about it, her response was "I really dont care who your girlfriend is". I later spoke to her again and called her on this statement, saying it was a crappy thing to say and wasnt necessary. She immediately was apologetic and said it was a bad thing to say. So she is showing jealousy. I am going to take the advice of some on here and not call her this weekend and see what happens. The whole not calling thing is really hard! Do you all think Im still doing the right thing? Thanks!

[IfiKnewThen]

i like what youre doing so far. and good luck ! : )

[NJL]

Ok, here is the latest and Im not sure if Im just being impatient or what. I have become "less available" to my ex, not calling much and waiting for her to call me. I also have not been talking to her as much at work, only saying hi during the day if we happen to cross paths. Our evening conversations have been going great, with her really starting to laugh and act like she used to. She has also mentioned good memories from the past from time to time, which is new. I guess my question is.....do I stay on this path or push her to do something as in go for drinks or dinner or something. I have no idea if her "rebound" is still in the picture. I know she doesn't see him more than once a week or so if he is because she usually calls me most nights. What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance, everyone on this site has helped to keep me going!

[IfiKnewThen]

i think go to the next step. dinner date whatever. life is short. love is hard to find. take a risk

[Dan654321]

She want you around for insurance. If things go bad with her current BO. She'll have you to fall back on.

And if she needs you, all it will take is a little crying, and you"ll welcome her back into your arms.

Then, things will be right for a while, and then you"ll notice something is wrong again.

Put yourself in the place of the current BO. She is sleeping with him and probably telling him she is out with the girls, and having a secret meet with another man.

My man, think. Do you really want to be wasting your valuable time fooling around with some woman who has just slept with the man she dropped you for.

[NJL]

Thanks to everyone for their comments and advice. Ive decided that I'm done. My gut tells me just what many have been saying all along. My ex is using me as a safety net. Funny thing is, I spoke to a co-worker who is actually a friend of the man who she is seeing now. Turns out he wants his ex back as well and is just buying his time with my ex as he works on his former relationship. So basically my ex is getting the same thing done to her by her current man that she is doing to me right now. Ive heard time and time again that she wants this guy to marry her, yet he says he has no desire to. I thought that was kind of funny. Also, I came to the conclusion that even if my ex came back to me tomorrow and said "I made a huge mistake, I love you" etc, that i couldnt take her back and trust her. Like Dan said in the last reply, she is with this other man and she is still calling me behind his back. She would do the same thing to me AGAIN, just like she did before. She is not worth the pain and agony she is causing me. Unfortunately Ive had to go through 7 months of Hell to figure that out. Im still sad, disappointed, and somewhat lost as to what to do, but I do know that Im absolutely not going to waste my time with her anymore. Im going No Contact just to let myself heal and because I actually dont want to talk to her. I still want to be a part of this community because it has been so good to me. I hope to help others going through my problem. Thanks again to everyone for reading and giving advice.

[IfiKnewThen]

you're strong. i feel your pain. you can be strong and be in pain too. God willing time will take care of everything.

 

i did think it was a good idea to try. and it says in all the books that if youre the woman's friend (we women do like listeners) , it gives you the opportunity to stay close and connected and try to form and develope love bonds. i know she was feeling it for another guy. but if he didnt really make her feel safe and wanted...you might have had a decent shot. yes we all want to be number 1 and can't fathom that we would ever take a back seat to anyone. but in some cases that turns around and we get in the drivers seat IF somehow, lets say, we were mostly to blame and had to make good to our partner and bite the bullet. so it could have worked but it requires extreme almost holy patience.

 

the thing is ( to me anyway) that NOW you know you tried everything you could and you can't say i should have tried to be friends and i didnt. what if that friendship turned things around. you have your threshold. everyone one does. and loving someone (to me) means that if that person did ask for forgiveness and meant it..and was remorseful...that it would mean that you would have to forgive what they did and re-establish trust again.

 

anyway sorry for the mouthful of thoughts here. this is your new journey now and its a good decision because you feel firm about it and and youre at your threshold. and she may feel hopeless to you. and she may be. so you took your chances with trying to be friends...now you go for N/C and trying to mend and heal. at least she didnt sound like she had a poor attitude like what i am dealing with. but still i know i was no angel when i was with him. so i just pray for peace and healing. because the pain of the loss is rough.

 

take that anger then and fed-upness and use it to move forward. i wish you a better life and love and hapniness and joy again... in whatever form that takes.

[NJL]

IfiKnewThen-Thanks for the kind words. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was not that I didnt have hope or want her back, it was more that she is just using me. She only calls when she needs something and when everything is fine she is nowhere to be found. She looks at me as only a means to an end, which hurts so much. After 6 years of a relationship, to be reduced to something to be used and manipulated is really painful. If she apologized to me today, I would accept it, forgive her and still love here, but the trust and the pain for what she has done would still be there. Thanks again for the response.