Bsmith12378 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I met this woman a month or so ago and I felt an immediate attraction to her. I can't say that it was a sexual attraction, but some sort of connection to her. This was before I even talked to her. I really can't explain it as it has never happened to me before. It was really bothering me so I finally broke down and told her that I felt some sort of connection to her, but I really didn't know what it was. I told her that I was married and I wasn't hitting on her. She seemed flattered. The next day I apologized for putting her in that position. She said that I didn't do anything wrong. To make a long story shot, she was leaving where I work so I told her that I would like to keep in contact. She provided her email and phone number. A few days later, I found out that she is married (doesn't wear a ring). However, we have been in contact via email ever since although we don't discuss anything personal. Her husband and friends don't know that we are in contact. Sometimes she still comes to where I work and I have noticed that there are a multitude of signs of attraction from her. Eye contact, sneaking glances at me, blushing, touching, making up reasons to talk to me. You name it. Now I am starting to feel a more than friends attraction towards her and am starting to have feelings for her. I started to back away as she has started to dominate my thoughts, but if I don't email her within a couple days she is quick to see if everything is fine with me. I'm very confused about her because I don't know what she is thinking. I know that she cares about me in some way, but she doesn't say it. I believe that she thinks that her actions are stronger than words. The only thing she has said is that I'm a great person and she loves talking to me. I am not out to hurt her or cause her problems with her marriage, nor am I out to get some sexual gratification from her. I just feel that deep down that there is a reason that we met even though I don't know what it is. Everytime I write an email to tell her goodbye, I end up getting an email from her asking how everything is. She always apologizes for not emailing me quicker, but she is very busy at work. I am very confused about her. I really don't know what she is thinking. I guess that is the worst thing is not knowing. I have a million questions to ask her, but am afraid to hear the answers good or bad. Has anyone been in a situation like this?
2sunny Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 she's thinking she can use you - at the minimum to stroke her ego. learn this - when it needs to be secretive - it's wrong! pay attention to your wife...least you find yourself in a big mess. hope that helps.
GorillaTheater Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 If you value your marriage, run. If this is too simplistic, think things through for a moment. You're well on the way to having an emotional affair (EA) if you're not there already. Say it goes a little further. You start expressing feelings to each other. Maybe a romp or three because, what the hell, you're "in love" and stuff. Then your wife finds out. She's devastated. She can't believe you would betray her like this. She probably files for divorce. Any kids? Like I said, run. Don't worry about hurting the other woman's feelings. Tell her further contact isn't healthy for you and go No Contact, forever. Then do some serious introspection as why you wound up in this predicament.
BB07 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I met this woman a month or so ago and I felt an immediate attraction to her. I can't say that it was a sexual attraction, but some sort of connection to her. This was before I even talked to her. I really can't explain it as it has never happened to me before. It was really bothering me so I finally broke down and told her that I felt some sort of connection to her, but I really didn't know what it was. I told her that I was married and I wasn't hitting on her. She seemed flattered. The next day I apologized for putting her in that position. She said that I didn't do anything wrong. To make a long story shot, she was leaving where I work so I told her that I would like to keep in contact. She provided her email and phone number. The above was your first BIG mistake. Why did you feel that it was OK to get another woman's email and phone #? Obviously there was no work related reason to do so. Didn't you consider that you might be opening a can of worms or did you lie to yourself, just a bit and tell yourself it was harmless? Oh please......you told her you weren't hitting on her, come on, I don't believe that and I bet she did not either. A few days later, I found out that she is married (doesn't wear a ring). However, we have been in contact via email ever since although we don't discuss anything personal. Her husband and friends don't know that we are in contact. Sometimes she still comes to where I work and I have noticed that there are a multitude of signs of attraction from her. Eye contact, sneaking glances at me, blushing, touching, making up reasons to talk to me. You name it. Now you've got yourself into an emotional affair. Now I am starting to feel a more than friends attraction towards her and am starting to have feelings for her. I started to back away as she has started to dominate my thoughts, but if I don't email her within a couple days she is quick to see if everything is fine with me. I'm very confused about her because I don't know what she is thinking. I know that she cares about me in some way, but she doesn't say it. I believe that she thinks that her actions are stronger than words. The only thing she has said is that I'm a great person and she loves talking to me. Both of you are engaged in a emotional affair. I am not out to hurt her or cause her problems with her marriage, nor am I out to get some sexual gratification from her. I just feel that deep down that there is a reason that we met even though I don't know what it is. Everytime I write an email to tell her goodbye, I end up getting an email from her asking how everything is. She always apologizes for not emailing me quicker, but she is very busy at work. I am very confused about her. I really don't know what she is thinking. I guess that is the worst thing is not knowing. I have a million questions to ask her, but am afraid to hear the answers good or bad. Has anyone been in a situation like this? What do you expect to happen now? Do you want to engage in a full out PA? You are teetering on the line of that now and all it's going to take is one little thing to push either one of you over the line. You are treading on very dangerous ground. You have not ONCE mentioned your wife, it's all about YOU and your feelings for this other woman. What about the relationship with your wife, what is missing? Do you have children? Have you spent any time reading the posts here at LS and have you noticed that affairs seldom turn out well for anyone? How much thought have you given to the possibility that this woman's attention is giving you something that is lacking in you? Isn't there a lot of ego stroking going on here? You are already in it up to your chest, if you are smart you will step back and really consider the damage you can inflict upon yourself, your family and this woman and her family. Do you want to be responsible for that? If this connection is so important to you and so valuable, then you should go after it, but do IT right. Free yourself of your marriage and she should free herself from hers first.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I just feel that deep down that there is a reason that we met even though I don't know what it is. People subconsciously look for things that are missing in themselves or extensions of themselves (their marriage, job, etc.) The 'feeling' you get comes from looking at this person and seeing something represented by her that is missing somewhere else: a puzzle piece, so to speak. Think about it closely: does her physical appearance remind you of someone you know/knew years ago? Do the 'cues' she is sending you happen anywhere else in your life (ie: do you feel wanted/pursued by your own wife)? Does the smell of her skin/perfume bring up some memories you have? Do the things she says/does spark something in you that others don't? I don't know that it is this woman in particular that you are feeling this sudden and strong attachment to so much as it is your own feelings/emotions mapping something onto her that you want to see. That is what 'sweeping off your feet" means - you get caught up high on a cloud of wishful thinking/emotional idealization and when your feet come back down on the ground you realize that nearly all of the initial infatuation came from what you wanted to see - not necessarily what was there. So that said - what piece is missing in your puzzle, and what piece are you thinking this woman represents?
Ellin Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 If this connection is so important to you and so valuable, then you should go after it, but do IT right. Free yourself of your marriage and she should free herself from hers first. Lovely advice but not feasible, as it is hard to expect that someone will start D procedure because of a person they had barely just met... Perhaps it would be a better idea for him to tell his W that he has met someone who invoked certain feelings in him and he wants to be honest with her from the start, and then they could discuss what they want to do next, e.g. work on the M or whatever else?
bentnotbroken Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Lovely advice but not feasible, as it is hard to expect that someone will start D procedure because of a person they had barely just met... Perhaps it would be a better idea for him to tell his W that he has met someone who invoked certain feelings in him and he wants to be honest with her from the start, and then they could discuss what they want to do next, e.g. work on the M or whatever else? It is feasible for anyone who doesn't punk out or want to be living in a state of dishonesty and lies.
BB07 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Lovely advice but not feasible, as it is hard to expect that someone will start D procedure because of a person they had barely just met... Of course it's way out there, that was the point. No sane person would do that, but I said it to make him think. Perhaps it would be a better idea for him to tell his W that he has met someone who invoked certain feelings in him and he wants to be honest with her from the start, and then they could discuss what they want to do next, e.g. work on the M or whatever else? Agree with your advice, that is what he should do, but will he? Probably not, he is probably too far gone and won't listen to reason.
Ellin Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 It is feasible for anyone who doesn't punk out or want to be living in a state of dishonesty and lies. Really? You think it's reasonable or normal to start divorcing your spouse and destroying your family, because you've met someone else you're attracted to, even though you don't even know that person?... Right...............
YellowShark Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I met this woman a month or so ago and I felt an immediate attraction to her. I can't say that it was a sexual attraction, but some sort of connection to her. This was before I even talked to her. I really can't explain it as it has never happened to me before. Most likely you two have a chemistry which can easily be explained. Google Pheromones. I told her that I was married and I wasn't hitting on her. ... A few days later, I found out that she is married (doesn't wear a ring). So know you have to not fall into the trap of taking emotion and passion out of your marriage and directing it towards her. Since you are both married you have to make the conscious decision not to cheat on your wife OR her husband. You really have to say goodbye to her otherwise you two are headed down a path of pain, uncertainty, and heartbreak. Sure it's ok to find another woman attractive and desirable, but it is entirely another thing to begin an email exchange that neither your wife or her husband would like one bit. Here's the rule, "If you wouldn't do it openly in front of your wife, you've definitely crossed a line." Best of luck.
BB07 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Really? You think it's reasonable or normal to start divorcing your spouse and destroying your family, because you've met someone else you're attracted to, even though you don't even know that person?... Right............... Ellin, it isn't reasonable nor sane to have an affair either and take the chance of destroying your family, now is it? If he carries this any further, he is taking a risk of destroying everything he knows and hurting a lot of others in the process, much, much more than he would have he walked away from his marriage without entangling himself in an affair. Neither option is sane or reasonable, don't you think?
Ellin Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) Ellin, it isn't reasonable nor sane to have an affair either and take the chance of destroying your family, now is it? If he carries this any further, he is taking a risk of destroying everything he knows and hurting a lot of others in the process, much, much more than he would have he walked away from his marriage without entangling himself in an affair. Neither option is sane or reasonable, don't you think? I never said it was sane or reasonable, but in case of attraction we deal with strong emotions we can get caught up in, and the idea of going for a D because of that is way out of line and has nothing to do with emotions, but apparently conscious decision to act in such manner for the sake of making sure one doesn't live a lie, LOL. I know you understand that already. And like I said before, D is not a good idea here, going for the A neither, but it can be difficult to stop and cut all contact now, sometimes it's too late for that. So the best thing would be proceed with caution, communicate and be honest with everyone involved, including oneself, and also try not to let the heart rule the head by keeping in mind all possible negative implications. But you know all that. Edited September 6, 2010 by Ellin
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Really? You think it's reasonable or normal to start divorcing your spouse and destroying your family, because you've met someone else you're attracted to, even though you don't even know that person?... Right............... I dont' recall using the word reasonable or normal...let me check just to make sure though. It is feasible for anyone who doesn't punk out or want to be living in a state of dishonesty and lies. Nope, didn't use those words at all. I used the word you used "feasible". So your point is...... Edited September 7, 2010 by bentnotbroken
Ellin Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I dont' recall using the word reasonable or normal...let me check just to make sure though. . Nope, didn't use those words at all. I used the word you used "feasible". So your point is...... fea·sible (fē′zə bəl) adjective capable of being done or carried out; practicable; possiblewithin reason; likely or probable: a usage objected to by somecapable of being used or dealt with successfully; suitable. ...
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 fea·sible (fē′zə bəl) adjectivecapable of being done or carried out; practicable; possiblewithin reason; likely or probable: a usage objected to by somecapable of being used or dealt with successfully; suitable.... I agree with the dictionary.
unspokenwords Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I am very confused about her. I really don't know what she is thinking. I guess that is the worst thing is not knowing. I have a million questions to ask her, but am afraid to hear the answers good or bad. Has anyone been in a situation like this? I don't think anyone has actually replied to your question - has anyone been in a situation like this? Which is what you actually asked for - not the usual moral high ground stuff which it seems you've had plenty of and no doubt know perfectly well for yourself. I have been in a similar situation myself and understand the 'not knowing' to be the worst thing. I tried to get answers and because of the complications of the relationships involved never did - just got mixed messages, smoke screens, excuses and a whole lot of abuse. Being afraid to hear the answers also rings true. But I can only say that unless you go out and try and get the answers you won't have any peace. If you can be brave and go and ask her then at least you will know and you will move on one way or the other. I hope you get resolution. Good luck.
Ellin Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 I agree with the dictionary. It's good that you agree with the dictionary. So you agree that although you didn't specifically USE the word "reasonable", this is one of the meanings of the word "feasible" and the word "normal" is also a synonym to some of its meanings, right?
Ellin Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Why not? Not everyone needs a soft landing. A person of honor and integrity that is unhappy in his marriage leaves or works on it, he doesn't cheat first. Here's some definitions in case you are unfamiliar... honor (än′ər) n. 1. high regard or great respect given, received, or enjoyed; esp., glory; fame; renown 2. good reputation; credit 3. a keen sense of right and wrong; adherence to action or principles considered right; integrity: to conduct oneself with honor in·teg·ri·ty *(n-tgr-t) n. 1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. 2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness. 3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness. You can quote the whole dictionary if you think it makes your post look clever, but I still think it's absurd to suggest that anyone who's married and feels attracted to someone else, who they barely know, should start D proceedings. If that was so, no one would stay M and the whole institution of M would be a sham. Enough time wasted for commenting on nonsense.
bentnotbroken Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 It's good that you agree with the dictionary. So you agree that although you didn't specifically USE the word "reasonable", this is one of the meanings of the word "feasible" and the word "normal" is also a synonym to some of its meanings, right? Since I am not a mind reader, I took what you posted at face value. I didn't assume you meant one thing while posting another. That is the post I responded to. Maybe you should be a little more point blank.
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I met this woman a month or so ago and I felt an immediate attraction to her. I can't say that it was a sexual attraction, but some sort of connection to her. This was before I even talked to her. I really can't explain it as it has never happened to me before. It was really bothering me so I finally broke down and told her that I felt some sort of connection to her, but I really didn't know what it was. I told her that I was married and I wasn't hitting on her. She seemed flattered. The next day I apologized for putting her in that position. She said that I didn't do anything wrong. To make a long story shot, she was leaving where I work so I told her that I would like to keep in contact. She provided her email and phone number. A few days later, I found out that she is married (doesn't wear a ring). However, we have been in contact via email ever since although we don't discuss anything personal. Her husband and friends don't know that we are in contact. Sometimes she still comes to where I work and I have noticed that there are a multitude of signs of attraction from her. Eye contact, sneaking glances at me, blushing, touching, making up reasons to talk to me. You name it. Now I am starting to feel a more than friends attraction towards her and am starting to have feelings for her. I started to back away as she has started to dominate my thoughts, but if I don't email her within a couple days she is quick to see if everything is fine with me. I'm very confused about her because I don't know what she is thinking. I know that she cares about me in some way, but she doesn't say it. I believe that she thinks that her actions are stronger than words. The only thing she has said is that I'm a great person and she loves talking to me. I am not out to hurt her or cause her problems with her marriage, nor am I out to get some sexual gratification from her. I just feel that deep down that there is a reason that we met even though I don't know what it is. Everytime I write an email to tell her goodbye, I end up getting an email from her asking how everything is. She always apologizes for not emailing me quicker, but she is very busy at work. I am very confused about her. I really don't know what she is thinking. I guess that is the worst thing is not knowing. I have a million questions to ask her, but am afraid to hear the answers good or bad. Has anyone been in a situation like this? The question I have is what is it that you need to know? I ask because I have been in the situation you describe and what I wanted to know was if he wanted to mess around with me (a married woman) like I toyed iwth the idea of messing around with him (a married man). He was a co-worker. Everyone saw us talking and taking lunches together sometimes. But I thought about what I was going to do once I "knew". And what wa that? Run like the wind. I didn't want to cheat, but I certainly loved the ego strokes of being desired by someone that didn't "have" to want me. So what do you want to know, and what are you going to do with that knowledge is far more important to clear up.
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