initiating sex

[daturanoir]

Hi, new member, so I'll try to be concise while at the same time giving enough info about my situation.

 

Cliffsnotes: I feel like I don't turn my partner on (he says I do but actions say otherwise), and I feel like I don't know how to turn him on.

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In every previous relationship I've considered myself a very sexual person, and was the more aggressive partner.

 

With the guy I'm currently dating:

For the first year and a half or so he was so sexually aggressive (and he was never turned down) that I very rarely initiated with him, or was the dominant partner. As it turned out, I LOVED this.

 

Now, a year after that stage, he almost never initiates sex, maybe once or twice a month? He just wants to cuddle all the time. The last time I tried to initiate sex with him he rolled me over to spoon instead.

 

When I do initiate sex with him I just feel bad about myself - I've never had a problem turning guys on before, but my partner has never gotten hard from cuddling, from looking at me, etc. He only gets turned on by direct stimulation, either my hand or mouth, and even then he never gets very hard, unless or until he starts to touch himself or touch me.

 

Any suggestions on things to try?

[taiko]

How old is he? We wear out after father time catches up

[daturanoir]

He is 33.....He doesn't even get morning wood anymore - maybe once every few months.

[Stung]

It is a bit strange that his change was so abrupt. It's not unheard of, but 33 seems pretty young to be losing morning wood. However, it's not uncommon after a year or so (although I think more normally at the two-year-mark) for guys to start feeling more 'comfortable' than 'passionate', and sometimes that's hard to acclimate to if you're not in the same transition period yet and still looking for the light in his eyes. Anyway, this could be a totally normal relationship phase for him, it is for many people, he just got there a little bit fast.

 

It could also be any number of more negative things. He could be under a lot of stress and just going through a low-sex phase, that happens to men too. He could have a bad diet or drink too much or have some underlying illness and be experiencing some inevitable physical repercussions. He could be channeling all his sexual energy into porn, or he could be interested in someone else.

 

The thing is, you're just going to have to ask him about it, if it's bothering you. Be as sensitive as you can be, we all know this is a subject that can be hurtful and make men feel defensive if they are made to feel inadequate.

 

In the meantime it's not so bad for you to learn another sexual persona, to discover your aggressive side. Explore your more dominating, kinkier fantasies a little bit. The next time you're passively wishing he would make a move on you to reinforce your desirability, just make a move on him to reinforce HIS desirability--don't just flash some lacy lingerie or hint at being in the mood, wrestle him to the ground and pull off his pants. It's also possible that after the thrill of 'newness' has worn off of your relationship he's wishing he had found somebody a little more aggressive and direct, a LOT of guys LOVE it when their woman handcuffs them to the headboard and climbs all over them.

[taiko]

He is 33.....He doesn't even get morning wood anymore - maybe once every few months.

 

not as part of the normal sleep cycle?

I'm not a doctor but sounds like he needs one

[daturanoir]

In the meantime it's not so bad for you to learn another sexual persona, to discover your aggressive side. Explore your more dominating, kinkier fantasies a little bit. The next time you're passively wishing he would make a move on you to reinforce your desirability, just make a move on him to reinforce HIS desirability--don't just flash some lacy lingerie or hint at being in the mood, wrestle him to the ground and pull off his pants. It's also possible that after the thrill of 'newness' has worn off of your relationship he's wishing he had found somebody a little more aggressive and direct, a LOT of guys LOVE it when their woman handcuffs them to the headboard and climbs all over them.

 

not as part of the normal sleep cycle?

I'm not a doctor but sounds like he needs one

 

Morning wood is involuntary, so it's not you. Life changes, stress, medications, steroids cause ED.

 

I didn't want to write a super-long post, so left out some things that are brought up here.

 

Since he's had this "decline" in sexual interest I have tried to be more aggressive with him, which he deflects like the last time by spooning, or he's just so not into anything that I do that I get discouraged and feel bad about myself.

 

I'm not sure if he gets them when he sleeps, as I'm a very heavy sleeper and never during our relationship have I noticed if he's had one or not then.

 

He has been taking Propecia for over 10 years - I have gently suggested that this is the reason for his decline in sexual interest and he insists that he has been taking it every single day since he was like 20 or something like that, so he insists that this can't be the reason.

 

Every few months I bring this up with him and he always says the same things - insists that he finds me sexy, disagrees that there's any kind of issue, asks why I don't initiate more if I want it, but doesn't have a response when I point out his reaction when I do initiate. He'll argue that that wasn't his response.

 

I have had a difficult time coming right out and saying that he's never very hard, and have only gently and in a round about way mentioned this.

 

When I try to do a "date night" kind of thing to get him in the mood, at first he's on board, but then when it comes time for bed he's more interested in getting on his computer or cuddling, saying he's too tired and he'll be up for it in the morning, and then in the morning he's running late for work (which he always has been, so I know that it's not an excuse or ploy to get out of sex).

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Tell him you're unhappy and this is not how you want to continue and ask him what his problem is....

 

Then be prepared to walk away, if the answers or actions are not what you are prepared for or what you want.

[daturanoir]

Tell him you're unhappy and this is not how you want to continue and ask him what his problem is....

 

Then be prepared to walk away, if the answers or actions are not what you are prepared for or what you want.

 

With the exception of directly saying: "Your erections aren't good enough until you get involved" I have been honest with him.

 

I realize that it's difficult to be very clear so that anyone and everyone fully understands a given situation without writing paragraphs upon paragraphs, but for the sake of clarity: your response is a little extreme for my current situation. It's advice I would consider if things continued to go downhill, but I'm trying to prevent getting to that point.

 

I agree with other posters that it is probably related to stress, medication, getting comfortable, etc. It's a little frustrating for me that he isn't being v. communicative with me about this, but when I bring it up with him we do have sex, and I don't feel like he's doing it just to shut me up.

 

The more I think about it the more I think it must be the Propecia (unless that's wishful thinking). He has said several times he would stop taking it, but he never does. I have to wonder if he didn't take it as regularly the first year or two we were dating as he has been the last year or so.

[luvstarved]

I also think it has more to do with the stage of the relationship than anything else based on what you have said...he was taking propecia in the beginning was he not? I guess it could be that but the natural course of relationships does make perfect sense.

 

I think it is a good question to try to answer, whether this is a general issue for him or only in context of your relationship. That is, is it truly low libido, or is it familiarity...

 

If it is low libido then that is something that would have to be investigated from a health (physical or mental) standpoint.

 

If it is low libido then he might not want to communicate about it because he feels guilty/inadequate/helpless.

 

If it is low libido he might or might not care if things change. If you're not hungry you're probably not thinking about food, but you might intellectually miss the memory of a great meal.

 

If it is familiarity then there is a good chance that the libido is being serviced otherwise...very typically with masturbation, so I would not think of him physically cheating with someone else without other signs...

 

If it is familiarity then he might not want to communicate about it because he feels guilty/inadequate/helpless!!!

 

If it is familiarity he might or might not care if things change. Some guys want to inject new things at this point but it does not sound like your guy is doing this. Many guys just turn to masturbation and fantasy (with or without porn) and are perfectly content with this "solution".

 

If he's not getting morning wood, it might well be low libido. If he is getting morning wood, he's dealing with it without you.

[TinaniT]

How is his stress level? physical activity/weight (sedentary behavior and poor diet can both lead to sexual decline at an earlier age than one might suspect)?

 

Beyond that, just sympathies! Always being the one to initiate gets really rough emotionally, especially as a woman with society's views on how it is along gender lines... and especially when it still doesn't always get "results"

[mitchell]

I'm a physician.

 

He is likely having a side effect from his Propecia. Up to 18% of men taking this drug suffer some kind of sexual dysfunction (ED, loss of libido, etc..). Is he taking Propecia for hair loss? If so, he has to decide if saving his hair is worth his loss of libido. There have even been case reports of permanent impotence even after Propecia has been discontinued.

 

Show him this link

 

Good luck to you both!

[daturanoir]

Thanks for the info.

 

Is he taking Propecia for hair loss?

He is. He says his hair has been thinning since he was in his early 20s...he says that this doesn't bother him much at all, and he will stop taking Prop. if I want him to - but he spends more time looking at his hair in the mirror several times a day than I do checking my makeup.

 

When his last Rx ran out he didn't order it again and I definitely noticed an increase in his libido and "quality" of erections, but at the same time, other factors could have been at play that I wasn't paying attention to. He ordered it again several weeks later, due to unhappiness with his hair - I never noticed a difference, but he seemed to think his hair looked terrible and he was losing it very quickly.

[mitchell]

Thanks for the info.

 

 

He is. He says his hair has been thinning since he was in his early 20s...he says that this doesn't bother him much at all, and he will stop taking Prop. if I want him to - but he spends more time looking at his hair in the mirror several times a day than I do checking my makeup.

 

When his last Rx ran out he didn't order it again and I definitely noticed an increase in his libido and "quality" of erections, but at the same time, other factors could have been at play that I wasn't paying attention to. He ordered it again several weeks later, due to unhappiness with his hair - I never noticed a difference, but he seemed to think his hair looked terrible and he was losing it very quickly.

 

Remind him that you would love him even with no hair (I'm bald).

 

More importantly, remind him about what a great lover he can be with stronger erections and greater libido. Say this with a big smile on your face.

[xxoo]

These days, a lot of men with thinning hair just shave their heads. Shaved heads are very sexy, and also stylish at the moment!

 

I'd probably grab is crotch and say something like "I'm way more interested in what grows here than what grows on your head"

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Just telling you to take the bull by the horns. To go from an active fulfilling sex life to very little and no real explanation or excitement/worry on his part is not a great situation.

 

How about saying "I want sex tonight and prepare for a wild ride"..... If that does not work, nothing will.....:laugh:

[daturanoir]

Just telling you to take the bull by the horns. To go from an active fulfilling sex life to very little and no real explanation or excitement/worry on his part is not a great situation.

 

How about saying "I want sex tonight and prepare for a wild ride"..... If that does not work, nothing will.....:laugh:

 

I didn't think you were being nasty; maybe my voice/tone on this thing is a little formal or uptight?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I didn't think you were being nasty; maybe my voice/tone on this thing is a little formal or uptight?

 

I'm just trying to help and add my 2 cents.... I just don't get it when a man is turned off sex with an attractive, willing open individual.... If it comes down to hair or sex...... Sex wins.....

[daturanoir]

He agreed to stop taking the Propecia, so we'll see how long that lasts and if it helps things