Dealing with future in-laws

[shlee]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but decided that people that read this forum probably have dealt with similar situations and might be able to offer some insight.

 

My bf's parents live about 30 miles from him, and his mother is always nagging him because he doesn't call her or come over often enough - she calls him several times a day at her worst, and several times a week at her best. He also goes to see her about once a week, though when he is very busy it's sometimes every other week. I see her about as often as my bf does, and we both think that we see her/talk to her all the time.

 

Due to the end of the fiscal year, the last several weeks have been extremely busy for me, and last week I had to decline a dinner invitation with his parents to work OT. BF told me that during a phone conversation his mom brought up how I never stop over to say hi. Evidently, this was also brought up at dinner, AND she and BF's father both brought this up to me several times at a family get-together a couple days ago.

 

My bf always tells them that he/I are busy and that we both see them and call them more than most people see their parents, but they don't see to listen. How do you handle this? Do I just need to put up with the nagging/guilt-tripping? Is there a polite way to get through to them?

[jd08]

You and he need to establish boundaries right now. Otherwise you will feel like you are married to your in laws. I have that issue right now. My wife talks to her mother several times a day, sends her multiple texts every night and goes over there every afternoon during the week (she is a stay at home mom and her mom gets off work around 2) and sometimes once on the weekends for dinner. My inlaws know everything about our marriage and I hate it. You need to have this talk with your bf soon.

[shlee]

How do you go about (politely) establishing boundaries, though?

 

We have talked about it, and we are both on the same page that it is completely obnoxious and not normal that his mom calls him so often, guilt trips him for not calling more, given how often they do talk, and that his parents think we don't see them enough. He and I are in agreement that seeing them several times a month is more than enough.

 

We have told them that we are busy and they refuse to listen.

[shlee]

I am officially reluctant to ever go back to my own house, as it happens to be in BF's parents' neighborhood.

 

I visited with his parents on Monday. On Wednesday afternoon I had literally just gotten off work and run by my house to take care of the mail, lawn and so on...his mother happened to drive by when I was outside, and stopped by to comment on the fact that I was in the neighborhood, implying that since I was home (for all of 30 seconds!!) I should have stopped by!

 

I told BF and I think he is going to say something to her - I needed to come by my house again today and was afraid of facing yet another guilt trip if she saw me.

[AlexV]

How do you go about (politely) establishing boundaries, though?

 

We have talked about it, and we are both on the same page that it is completely obnoxious and not normal that his mom calls him so often, guilt trips him for not calling more, given how often they do talk, and that his parents think we don't see them enough. He and I are in agreement that seeing them several times a month is more than enough.

 

We have told them that we are busy and they refuse to listen.

 

Hi Schlee -- found your posting OK!

 

It sounds as though you *have* already politely established a boundary -- you've told them you're busy and just can't visit so often or attend their every gathering. So they are the ones being rude at this point -- not you.

 

In figuring out how to deal with this type of situation with my own wife and in-laws, I've come to realize it's important that both you and the bf be on the same page about it (sounds like you are) and that you present your positions to them as a joint decision, otherwise his family will just end up demonizing you. As far as what the boundaries are -- how often would you feel comfortable visiting them or attending gatherings? Perhaps it would be a certain frequency (once a month, say) or by occasion (certain holidays/milestone events, etc.). Whatever the consensus is, inform your in-laws of that and, except for emergencies, stick to it.

 

I agree with jd08 that the time to deal with it is now -- once you're married (as I unfortunately found out) they'll pressure you even more, as you'll be "officially" part of the family. It seems your future in-laws are controlling "helicopter parents" who refuse to let their adult children have their own lives, and this will steal time and intimacy from your marriage if you let it.

 

You're entitled to a life of your own.

 

Good luck!

[AlexV]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but decided that people that read this forum probably have dealt with similar situations and might be able to offer some insight.

 

My bf's parents live about 30 miles from him, and his mother is always nagging him because he doesn't call her or come over often enough - she calls him several times a day at her worst, and several times a week at her best. He also goes to see her about once a week, though when he is very busy it's sometimes every other week. I see her about as often as my bf does, and we both think that we see her/talk to her all the time.

 

Due to the end of the fiscal year, the last several weeks have been extremely busy for me, and last week I had to decline a dinner invitation with his parents to work OT. BF told me that during a phone conversation his mom brought up how I never stop over to say hi. Evidently, this was also brought up at dinner, AND she and BF's father both brought this up to me several times at a family get-together a couple days ago.

 

My bf always tells them that he/I are busy and that we both see them and call them more than most people see their parents, but they don't see to listen. How do you handle this? Do I just need to put up with the nagging/guilt-tripping? Is there a polite way to get through to them?

 

Get caller ID, if you don't have it already and if it's her calling, let the call go to voicemail. Unless it's an emergency, call her back at your convenience.

[Dean M.]

Yep, you two need to set boundaries, and soon. You need to talk about how often you're expected to see relatives, what his family expects, what your family expects, and most importantly what you both expect of each other.

 

My wife and I struggled through the not planning the in-laws thing, and it went bad. I mean really bad. For instance, some expected us on Christmas Eve, some Christmas day, which no time left for us to create our own traditions. Repeat that for every holiday for several years and you get the idea.

 

Get this worked out now. It's not going to go away until you do.

[Faith81]

Hi,

 

In the first place, I suppose a good question would be how long have you and your partner been together? In the second, do you have an in depth knowledge about his family's history, customs and values?

 

These questions will give you a head start, an angle at which to start from. Let me tell you this however, in some cases, no matter how well educated you are, how honest or kind-hearted you are, you may just have to accept that this is the way they express their love and concern for each other.

 

And here's some reassurance for you. If YOU are brought up in their family discussions, be assured that they care enough and you are worthy enough for them to talk about you. I know its feel crappy and annoying, but at least their matters are discussed among all ( not just among the females ).

 

My initial reaction, honestly speaking, I might purposely let a month go by without visiting. Showing them how bad things may get, so that next time they will learn to appreciate the time you do give them.

 

But do keep something in mind...time is rapidly passing us by with all our lives getting filled up and living a life to the standard one requires, has now become one of our main values, and unfortunately that is chipping into a large part of our family life. For some people, especially in our parents generation, our value system was not something they had the opportunity to grown up with and family was number one.

 

So its just really hard for them to understand, don't blame them. Instead just ALLOW them to say what they feel and try not to take things personally.

 

May be use, "WE understand how hard it is, not being together as a family, its even harder working all day (not having fun WE might add) as the time passes by. WE are all losing precious family and this is something WE are sure WE would all like to change."

 

And leave it at that. Keep "change" as as open finishing remark. Don't corner yourself. After all, we are all just looking for someone to relate to. Not only that, you are also SHARING ONE HOPE together as a complete family circle.

 

I hope I've been able to help. Now, its your turn to decide if you want to take the advice given and use it. GOOD LUCK!

 

LAUGH AT LIFE

Edited October 17, 2010 by Faith81

[Faith81]

Hi,

 

In the first place, I suppose a good question would be how long have you and your partner been together? In the second, do you have an in depth knowledge about his family's history, customs and values?

 

These questions will give you a head start, an angle at which to start from. Let me tell you this however, in some cases, no matter how well educated you are, how honest or kind-hearted you are, you may just have to accept that this is the way they express their love and concern for each other.

 

And here's some reassurance for you. If YOU are brought up in their family discussions, be assured that they care enough and you are worthy enough for them to talk about you. I know its feel crappy and annoying, but at least their matters are discussed among all ( not just among the females ).

 

My initial reaction, honestly speaking, I might purposely let a month go by without visiting. Showing them how bad things may get, so that next time they will learn to appreciate the time you do give them.

 

But do keep something in mind...time is rapidly passing us by with all our lives getting filled up and living a life to the standard one requires, has now become one of our main values, and unfortunately that is chipping into a large part of our family life. For some people, especially in our parents generation, our value system was not something they had the opportunity to grown up with and family was number one.

 

So its just really hard for them to understand, don't blame them. Instead just ALLOW them to say what they feel and try not to take things personally.

 

May be use, "WE understand how hard it is, not being together as a family, its even harder working all day (not having fun WE might add) as the time passes by. WE are all losing precious family and this is something WE are sure WE would all ike to change."

 

And leave it at that. Keep "change" as as open finishing remark. Don't corner yourself. After all, we are all just looking for someone to relate to. Not only that, you are also SHARING ONE HOPE together as a complete family circle.

 

I hope I've been able to help. Now, its your turn to decide if you want to take the advice given and use it. GOOD LUCK!

 

LAUGH AT LIFE

[BlackLovely]

You and he need to establish boundaries right now. Otherwise you will feel like you are married to your in laws. I have that issue right now. My wife talks to her mother several times a day, sends her multiple texts every night and goes over there every afternoon during the week (she is a stay at home mom and her mom gets off work around 2) and sometimes once on the weekends for dinner. My inlaws know everything about our marriage and I hate it. You need to have this talk with your bf soon.

 

This. I have very nosy and controlling parents. I firmly set boundaries during wedding planning. Even though they wish they could run our marriage, I refuse to allow that to happen.

[fooled once]

Smile and nod and just let them gripe about the lack of contact.

 

I will caution you to NOT criticize them to your boyfriend. Do not put them down, do not say they are in touch too much, etc.

 

HE has to put his own foot down, if it bothers HIM. It must not since he doesn't say anything. You can tell him that while you enjoy them, you prefer 1-1 time with him since you don't see him much, but do not vent to him about them. It will cause problems later, if you do get married.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

Don't start going over to your future in-laws all the time unless you plan to keep it up. My h's mother thought the two of us were going to be on the phone constantly and seeing each other all the time. Nope, I'm a very private person and had to establish this with her in the beginning. She hated it but had to get use to it. This is your in-laws way of making sure they are constantly in their son's business. Wait until you have kids! Mamma Mia!

[lucylove]

what you both have to do is acknowledge your own senses of what is reasonable and unreasonable. especially you, as an individual, and then hopefully your fiance will follow step. you say you both have noted that the amount of time you spend with your future in laws is more than satisfactory; therefore you know that what you have contributed as far as time spent in their presence is within the limits of what you are willing to offer.

now, your in laws, in consideration of objective sanity, are asking way more than the plausible. that said, what is generally understood to be appropriate is nice, but what works for you and future hubby is necessary. you must establish what behavior you find suits your lifestyle and say this is the way it will be. the reason being is that you are both adults. now, mommy and daddy dearest are viewing you two as children, whom they have every right to criticize and boss around and say you do this, you do that... sounds like they need to be put in their places.

first things first. the problem is that they do not respect your adult decisions; therefore they do not respect your adulthood--they do not respect you. the problem is not whether or not you are "justified." the problem is their attitude. you and your fiance need to take a stance of non defensiveness here because there is nothing to defend. in other words, don't say to them "oh here is the excuse" or "oh well we are right because." forget that. you have a right to your time and they have no right to tell you how to use it. you do both need to draw a clear boundary. first of all, they should not be critiquing you behind your back to your future husband. he needs to not argue, or get wrapped up in debate. he should say clearly, "mom and dad, i do not appreciate you speaking to me about your disgruntles with my wife. if you have a problem with her, take it up with her directly. i don't want to hear it." they do need to realize you are a grown up here, and if they want to see you more often she can express that desire to you, and then respect whatever your response may be. mother in law/father in law are not your bosses, they are family; and as such they have a right to address you about issues they have with respect, and with respect means they respect your independent choices.

you need to respond to them accordingly; should they bring their cause up with you, stick up for what you are comfortable with. they are not your authority. and they need to get used to it.

what they are trying to do is run your household before it has even started. it is more than likely that they have an unhealthy attachment to controlling their son as they did when he was a child, and cannot bear the idea of his independence. they are concerned that if they don't say what goes up front, and get you involved with them and attached to their hips, they won't run your household as they ran their son when he was a child.

how does your fiance feel about drawing a boundary? you need his support and you need to completely relinquish the idea of ever appeasing them. appease yourself. if they aren't happy with your happiness and that of your fiance that is their problem!

Edited October 23, 2010 by lucylove

[lucylove]

Smile and nod and just let them gripe about the lack of contact.

 

I will caution you to NOT criticize them to your boyfriend. Do not put them down, do not say they are in touch too much, etc.

 

HE has to put his own foot down, if it bothers HIM. It must not since he doesn't say anything. You can tell him that while you enjoy them, you prefer 1-1 time with him since you don't see him much, but do not vent to him about them. It will cause problems later, if you do get married.

 

Good luck.

 

i agree that she should not vent about her negative thoughts/feelings towards her future in laws, but they are clearly a source of friction and if she needs her fiance to be more assertive in his position towards them in concern to their attacks she should express this. bottling her own needs in order to placate and make temporary peace will not solve the problem. couples must be mutually at ease with the way in which they handle their shared lifestyle and if one person feels they are left vulnerable to attack as a result of their partner's negligence then that is a recipe for resentment. she should tell him what she needs and why she needs it in a loving, non accusatory way. she doesn't need to trash talk his family but she does need to make sure that she and her fiance are on the same page in regards to how they as a team respond to their negative attacks. it is not acceptable for them to bad mouth her and criticize her to him. that shows utter disrespect for her and their marriage. she is totally within her rights to ask him to draw a boundary there. and if he refuses and it is very important to her then they need to work on it. but it can't be swept under the rug unless she really doesn't care--which clearly (and quite understandably) she does, or else she wouldn't be posting about it.