Lack of Desire

[jd08]

So I am probably the millionth guy to post this thread on here but this problem is really bothering me lately. Wife and I have been together over 10 years, married for 3 1/2. We have a 15 month old daughter. I work full-time, usually about 50 hours per week and she is a stay at home mom.

 

Before getting married her sex drive was never the greatest but I could consistently expect some once a week. I'll admit I don't have the highest drive in the world so once a week was something that I could live with, even if I really wanted it a bit more. Ever since she got pregnant the sex and most any regular form of intimacy has died. For a while, I could maybe get her to do it 3 times per month but over the past 4 or 5 months I have routinely gone several weeks without any hint of any desire on her part.

 

So obviously this has really started to frustrate me and I've tried to talk to her about the problem. In many cases we end up fighting about it because I get resentful of the fact that she NEVER wants to have sex anymore. Seems as though she has a laundry list of excuses. Her latest one is that she blames it on Zoloft and points to one of the top side effects as loss of sex drive. But she's been on Zoloft for years and this wasn't as much of a problem before. I also hear other things, especially that she is too tired which I don't really understand because she stays home all day. I know taking care of a young child is a huge task but many women juggle child care AND a full time job and still make plenty of time for sex.

 

Last night I tried to address the situation with her in a calm manner. I explained to her that I didn't feel like my needs were being met and asked her what I could do to help turn her on. Her response "I don't know." Then I asked her if she didn't know what I could do how would the problem ever get better. Again, she didn't know. So finally I asked how I was supposed to satisfy the basic need that all people have (or should have) for physical intimacy). Her response was "by yourself."

 

Needless to say, that REALLY pissed me off. It seems like she just doesn't get it. She could seemingly go through the rest of our lives not caring whether I ever tried to initiate anything. For me, that just isn't working and I am pretty much at the point where I am feeling pretty worthless and not wanted. I mean I am a good provider and feel like if she ever asks me to do anything or if she ever needs anything I make sure that she has it. And of course I provide for our daughter too.

 

Where do I go from here? Is this just bound to keep going down the wrong track? Thanks.

[Don Ho]

Go to her Dr. with her and discuss it. Assuming you guys are emotionally close and there are no problems there, it's likely chemical. Zoloft and those type of meds can reduce sex drive. Now she's a few years older so that may contribute to the issue. I know this isn't really an option for you and for most, but a few years ago a guy I knew, who is a bodybuilder, had the same problem with his wife. She was competing anyway, so he gave her a very, very small amount of testosterone injection once a week. She was climbing all over him. Not exactly what you can get done by a Dr. Like I said, if it's not emotional or psychological or she's not cheating on you, then it's physiological. Good luck.

[terrific]

I am so sorry to read this. First let me start by saying it is probably not you and her drive will probably come back. This is so common, how old is she and is she on any birth control?

[jd08]

I am so sorry to read this. First let me start by saying it is probably not you and her drive will probably come back. This is so common, how old is she and is she on any birth control?

 

 

She's 28, not on birth control. If it does come back I wish I knew when. Even if it doesn't come back I wish she would make some effort, without acting like it is forced, to try and get in the mood.

[Meadow Blue]

Being a stay at home mom means that she never gets to "leave work" - she is working around the clock.

 

I don't think you should compare her to "other women" who you perceive as having zero issues working two full time jobs and still jump their husbands all the time.

 

I don't know how you come across to her, and I realize this is frustrating to you, but she would probably feel more like having sex with you if it seemed as though you were considering her and her needs at all. How exactly do you try to initiate sex, or are you mostly nagging her about how she's never in the mood?

[Don Ho]

She's 28, not on birth control. If it does come back I wish I knew when. Even if it doesn't come back I wish she would make some effort, without acting like it is forced, to try and get in the mood.

 

28? She should be good to go! I don't think it's "coming back" on it's own without some outside assistance. Hard to say how you're interacting with her, the member below makes a good point.

[jd08]

Being a stay at home mom means that she never gets to "leave work" - she is working around the clock.

 

I don't think you should compare her to "other women" who you perceive as having zero issues working two full time jobs and still jump their husbands all the time.

 

I don't know how you come across to her, and I realize this is frustrating to you, but she would probably feel more like having sex with you if it seemed as though you were considering her and her needs at all. How exactly do you try to initiate sex, or are you mostly nagging her about how she's never in the mood?

 

Why do you assume that I don't consider her needs? I have tried to initiate sex in several different ways. I have tried being aggressive with touching and no foreplay, etc. I have tried to be more gentle and give her foot rubs, kiss her neck, and the like. I have tried asking for it days in advance (i.e. ask on a Tuesday if I want it on Saturday). Sometimes that is the only thing that occasionally works, but still no guarantee. Nothing is consistently successful.

 

Any tips you want to share?

[Don Ho]

I think Meadow is talking about how you relate to her during the rest of the time. Are you nice to her all day? All week? Do you help her with the kids? Give her a ladies night out? Those kind of "needs", not in the bedroom. Other than that, take her to a Dr. She's too young and you can't live like that forever.

[jd08]

Yeah, I was actually responding to two points she made in her post, the first where she seemed to assume that I dont consider my wife's needs. I was asking her why she thought that. The second point was her question about what I do to initiate sex. Sorry for the confusion.

 

I feel like I am considerate of her, though maybe she doesn't see it that way I don't know. For example, if she has had a long day and doesn't want to cook, I'll say "fine tell me where you want to eat and I'll pick something up on the way home." I try my best to help out with our daughter if she needs help. Since my wife does stay home all day though our daughter is very attached to her and there are just times where our daughter just wants to be with my wife and not me. But I do allow my wife to go spend time out whenever she asks (not often).

 

I guess we just need to see a counselor or dr. like you suggested. She was supposed to ask her primary care doc. about this a few weeks ago when she went for a physical. But then she "forgot."

[BellaBellaBella]

There is an old saying that say "women need to feel love to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved.

 

My husband took zoloft for along time. He had decreased drive, he is off of it and still has decreased drive. It hasn't helped my self esteem and I have felt rejected for it.

 

Things to consider, how is her sleep? What about a date night with someone to watch the baby and you get romantic?

 

A book I have read is his needs/her needs.

[jason03]

I just joined to say that I have the exact same problem! I am really getting frustrated with my wife, and I am starting to resent her for it. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4, and we have a 2 year old son. Our sex life has pretty much sucked since the night she got pregnant. I've been trying to be patient and kind, but it does not do any good. Even when we do have sex, she just lays there with her shirt on, and I end up feeling like I am a dog humping a leg. She also refuses to give or receive oral sex now. She is 30 and on birth control. Maybe I can find a pill that will kill my sex drive. If not I don't see how I can possibly stay faithful for infinity and beyond. Anyway, I just needed a random place on the internet to vent, and this seemed like the right spot.

 

Also to mention, we have talked about it, and she thinks it is "normal".

Edited September 7, 2010 by jason03

[finding_serenity]

I am a new mom and I've to say my urges has gotten to the lowest point I have to fake orgasm just to please my husband.finances,his drinking and blunt attitude contributed a lot.i want to enjoy intimate moments with my H but I just can't connect.i think ur wife is just stressed out.

[Don Ho]

I think you watch the kid and make her go out once a week or every other week with her GFs. You just set it up on a Friday nites on a schedule and tell her she's going. You also have to set up "date night" for the two of you once a week and get a sitter. That should also be on a set schedule if she likes it or not. Then no pressure or conversations about sex, you just let her go out and you two go out and cut loose. The rest may take care of itself.

 

All that aside, you go WITH her to the Dr. to discuss. You make the appt and take her if you have to. It's not important to her, but it's important to you and part of a happy relationship.

 

BellaBella: your hubby needs to go to his Dr. and have his testosterone levels checked. Likely he's low. The Dr. can put him on a T patch that he wears daily. Not only will it improve his mood and energy, it should improve his sex drive with you. Again, since your spouse doesn't think or seem to care if there's an issue, YOU take control and go to the Dr. with him.

[jd08]

I am a new mom and I've to say my urges has gotten to the lowest point I have to fake orgasm just to please my husband.finances,his drinking and blunt attitude contributed a lot.i want to enjoy intimate moments with my H but I just can't connect.i think ur wife is just stressed out.

 

She probably is stressed, I have no doubt. But stress or not, it is putting a big strain on the marriage. Something has to give.

[jd08]

I just joined to say that I have the exact same problem! I am really getting frustrated with my wife, and I am starting to resent her for it. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4, and we have a 2 year old son. Our sex life has pretty much sucked since the night she got pregnant. I've been trying to be patient and kind, but it does not do any good. Even when we do have sex, she just lays there with her shirt on, and I end up feeling like I am a dog humping a leg. She also refuses to give or receive oral sex now. She is 30 and on birth control. Maybe I can find a pill that will kill my sex drive. If not I don't see how I can possibly stay faithful for infinity and beyond. Anyway, I just needed a random place on the internet to vent, and this seemed like the right spot.

 

Also to mention, we have talked about it, and she thinks it is "normal".

 

Welcome to the club! I've now had two huge fights in the past 3 weeks about it.

[Lovebone]

you guys ever spend any time apart? I mean, separate from work and what-not...

 

You'd be surprised what a week or two away from someone will do for a couple.

 

Just throwin that out there.

[Lovebone]

^^^ O snap!

 

[giotto]

Why is she taking Zoloft? ADs can kill the sex drive completely. Having children kill sex drive. So, you have the perfect combination. Looking after a toddler all day is a nightmare. You can never escape and you don't have even 20 seconds to do what you want. Believe me, I've done it myself.

 

Also, if you put her under pressure, she will reject you even more. It's a total turn-off. It's a no win situation. I've been there with my wife. My advice would be to go to marriage counselling to try and establish the root cause of the problem. And maybe some individual counselling, if you can afford it. Then take it from there.

[jd08]

Or her needs are probably getting met from someone else.

 

No they aren't. She stays home with our daughter all day and watches TV all night. This is one thing that I am sure of.

[TinaniT]

I know taking care of a young child is a huge task but many women juggle child care AND a full time job and still make plenty of time for sex. .

 

I can tell you this attitude that she is doing less as a stay at home mom is NOT helping your cause. A woman can tell when a man has that. And having been a stay at home mom, and talking to a friend who was a stay at home mom and then returned to work, it is not easier (my friend thought it was easier to work in fact because she got time to herself during the day she didn't when she stayed at home full time.)

 

What is your role with the children when you are home? Are you telling her you appreciate her and what she is doing to care for your child?

 

It could be hormonal, too, starting during pregnancy.

 

I'd tell her how this hurts you and makes you feel disconnected. Tie it to your emotions so she knows, she may think of sex as totally separate where you do not.... ask her if you two can go to doctor and figure it out together, ask her what you can do to help. If you still get nothing, the bigger issue is not the lack of sex but that she is not showing enough love for you to want to work to make you happy- which is what people who love each other do.

Edited September 7, 2010 by TinaniT

[xxoo]

I try my best to help out with our daughter if she needs help. Since my wife does stay home all day though our daughter is very attached to her and there are just times where our daughter just wants to be with my wife and not me.

 

I have been there....I can relate....and I feel overwhelmed just remembering it.

 

If I could give your wife some advice, I'd tell her that 15 mo is a good age to start leaving dad with the baby to figure things out their own way. When the baby is needy, and you are trying to help, it would be best if your wife just left the house entirely--go out for coffee, go to the library to read, go for a walk.

 

Another thing--

 

When my children were babies/toddlers, my H would sometimes approach me for a hug, a snuggle, a grope as soon as the baby finally went to sleep (with me doing the bulk of the work getting baby to sleep, as baby preferred me). My skin would be CRAWLING with feeling "touched out", and I'd squirm away from him--and he'd feel rejected . It took us a while with the first baby to learn that I just needed some time (30-60 min) between getting the baby to sleep and welcoming H's touch.

[luvstarved]

It's true that between ADs and being with a toddler 24/7 you're up against a high wall.

 

If her reaction is apathy then maybe her meds aren't what they should be...

 

I agree with other posters that she needs to feel like a woman and not just a mom. It IS "normal" for sex drive to be low after having a baby, and not uncommon for a woman to focus so much on the child that the man ends up feeling/being left out. But your wife needs to truly realize that it is a PROBLEM and not just you and your pesky animal needs.

 

I think her sex drive has gone dormant and needs to be reawakened. She needs to be in the company of adults and needs to detach from your daughter just a bit.

 

I think it is a good idea for her to get time away. I know this can be hard to arrange practically, but even if for an hour twice a week...can you get a babysitter? Maybe you and she could just go out to a local place for a quick dinner to start, and another night she does something alone or with GFs. Think of some non-baby-related topic to talk about...ask her opinion on a current event, make her feel like a person you respect and for God's sake don't take that time to discuss your sexual issues, at least not for a while...try backing off for say a month or two, help her to remember she is a woman, and see if there is any progress at all...

[finding_serenity]

we had sex two nights in a row and in both occasions I didn't even cum.now,i found out were 3 months late in apartment rent.damn those beers and cigs!