Perspective needed

[Caliguy64]

I will try to keep this brief but would appreciate advice from this great site on what really happened as my head is spinning now......below is a brief background and timetable

 

Background.....me 46 (no kids) , her 40 (2 kids - 5,9)

 

Her - divorced for 4 years - married for 10....vey bad marriage

Her - one serious rel. since divorce - ended in 2008 - she had to take 3 months leave from work because she was such a mess

 

- Met in April and we immediately hit it off. Great chemistry.

- Early June - She asked me one morning if I was falling in love, as she wanted to know there was a chance for us as she was feeling really close to me. Told her the same thing.

- End June - She told me she was all mine and invited me to go on vacation with her in July.

- Early July - Told me vacation was not a good idea and that she needed to figure out if she was in or out with me...I was like WTF.

- Mid July -We continued to hang out and she went on vacation. I never called or texted at her request for space. She said she needed to get away from everything

- End July - She came back and told me that she was not emotionally ready for a relationship. Everything had started to stress her out...her kids, her brother, her ex stopped paying support and lost insurance coverage for her....so she became very stressed. We talked for a bit and she told me it was not like a permanent good bye....then she texted me later that night and told me not to give up on her - she was not walking away from something this special and we would work this out. Told me she did not want to break up now -

 

Early August = Started to have body issues....she had been much heavier when younger and had been lectured by her ex and her dad when she was growing up on staying thin (She is now size 4). She told me she was ashamed for me to see her. I felt she was beautiful and told her as well as letting her know I was there for good days and bad.

 

Early August- The next couple weeks she told me how much she wanted it to work and how special I was. However some days she would be in a great mood and others it seemed like she was totally stressed out. I continued to be there for her and try and help as much as I could.

 

Mid August - After sending her a text telling her how much I thought of her and that we would get through this one night, she sent me back a text telling me she was not in the mood to think about it anymore. I asked if she wanted space and she told me she was conflicted in what she wanted, just did not want to have to talk about it. I asked her if she was confused about me and she said she had too many things in her head....it was her, me, kids, brother, ex, finances, etc....and she was just looking for peace in her life and had been unable to find it. So I told her I would give her the space she needed. She told a friend of mine a few days later that she had stopped seeing me but said nothing else according to her.

 

I am reeling. It has been 3 1/2 weeks of NC. I really dont know what happened. Did I do something wrong? Why the constant flip flop?

Did she never have feelings.......does she need time to sort things out....is she depressed?? You can see all that is going through my head. I am wondering if I will ever hear from her again?

 

Very confused

[Don Ho]

You should go read the thread that Caliguy wrote about NC. Oh, fck! That's you! LOL. You know how it goes Bro. 2nd chances are difficult. This is what you typically get from a woman. Not much you can do right now. You know not to contact and that it will only hurt the situation. I'm a little concerned about your "Mid August" contact with her. Seems like you started to over do it a little. I think you need to continue to back off and see if she contacts you. Keep us posted Bro.

[ShannonMI]

I will try to keep this brief but would appreciate advice from this great site on what really happened as my head is spinning now......below is a brief background and timetable

 

Background.....me 46 (no kids) , her 40 (2 kids - 5,9)

 

Her - divorced for 4 years - married for 10....vey bad marriage

Her - one serious rel. since divorce - ended in 2008 - she had to take 3 months leave from work because she was such a mess

 

- Met in April and we immediately hit it off. Great chemistry.

- Early June - She asked me one morning if I was falling in love, as she wanted to know there was a chance for us as she was feeling really close to me. Told her the same thing.

- End June - She told me she was all mine and invited me to go on vacation with her in July.

- Early July - Told me vacation was not a good idea and that she needed to figure out if she was in or out with me...I was like WTF.

- Mid July -We continued to hang out and she went on vacation. I never called or texted at her request for space. She said she needed to get away from everything

- End July - She came back and told me that she was not emotionally ready for a relationship. Everything had started to stress her out...her kids, her brother, her ex stopped paying support and lost insurance coverage for her....so she became very stressed. We talked for a bit and she told me it was not like a permanent good bye....then she texted me later that night and told me not to give up on her - she was not walking away from something this special and we would work this out. Told me she did not want to break up now -

 

Early August = Started to have body issues....she had been much heavier when younger and had been lectured by her ex and her dad when she was growing up on staying thin (She is now size 4). She told me she was ashamed for me to see her. I felt she was beautiful and told her as well as letting her know I was there for good days and bad.

 

Early August- The next couple weeks she told me how much she wanted it to work and how special I was. However some days she would be in a great mood and others it seemed like she was totally stressed out. I continued to be there for her and try and help as much as I could.

 

Mid August - After sending her a text telling her how much I thought of her and that we would get through this one night, she sent me back a text telling me she was not in the mood to think about it anymore. I asked if she wanted space and she told me she was conflicted in what she wanted, just did not want to have to talk about it. I asked her if she was confused about me and she said she had too many things in her head....it was her, me, kids, brother, ex, finances, etc....and she was just looking for peace in her life and had been unable to find it. So I told her I would give her the space she needed. She told a friend of mine a few days later that she had stopped seeing me but said nothing else according to her.

 

I am reeling. It has been 3 1/2 weeks of NC. I really dont know what happened. Did I do something wrong? Why the constant flip flop?

Did she never have feelings.......does she need time to sort things out....is she depressed?? You can see all that is going through my head. I am wondering if I will ever hear from her again?

 

Very confused

She sounds like she's got a lot going on and isn't ready to be in a relationship. Give her some time and space and she may come around. In the meantime just try to live your life and be as happy as you can be. If you meet someone else, then so be it. Don't hold out hope for this woman. It's easier said then done, I know.

[Caliguy64]

Thx - yeah just giving her space. I did send her a letter today that said I hope she is well. I do want her to be happy. If it is without me then so be it. She can go see what else is out there and see what happens in the long run. I know what I bring to the table for her and she will be lucky if she find someone who cares about her like I did.

 

In regards to mid-August - kind of feel the same way tp a bit but everytime we talked she kept going on and on about how bad her life was, all the problems I mentioned, feeling that everything was hopeless and never going to change, body image, etc. I was just trying to be there for her -

 

I just don't understand the flip-flops that started in July

[westrock]

I just don't understand the flip-flops that started in July

 

She is flip-flopping because she has not resolved her past emotional issues.

 

- End June - She told me she was all mine and invited me to go on vacation with her in July.

 

When she told you that she is all yours it likely triggered her past emotional issues and scared her. The result was that she just pushed you away.

 

Has she received any counselling for her past marriage and last serious relationship?

 

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I think you are doing the right thing by giving her space and being there for her. Unfortunately, I also don't think there is much more you can do until she resolves her past issues. Do you know if she received counselling for her past marriage and relationship?

[ShannonMI]

Thx - yeah just giving her space. I did send her a letter today that said I hope she is well. I do want her to be happy. If it is without me then so be it. She can go see what else is out there and see what happens in the long run. I know what I bring to the table for her and she will be lucky if she find someone who cares about her like I did.

 

In regards to mid-August - kind of feel the same way tp a bit but everytime we talked she kept going on and on about how bad her life was, all the problems I mentioned, feeling that everything was hopeless and never going to change, body image, etc. I was just trying to be there for her -

 

I just don't understand the flip-flops that started in July

The flip flops have something to do with the stress shes under I'm sure. She wants you, but has a lot going on and can't right now. People who are under stress have a hard time making decisions. That's probably what the flip flopping was about.

[ShannonMI]

She is flip-flopping because she has not resolved her past emotional issues.

 

 

 

When she told you that she is all yours it likely triggered her past emotional issues and scared her. The result was that she just pushed you away.

 

Has she received any counselling for her past marriage and last serious relationship?

 

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I think you are doing the right thing by giving her space and being there for her. Unfortunately, I also don't think there is much more you can do until she resolves her past issues. Do you know if she received counselling for her past marriage and relationship?

This makes sense as well. She def. has unresolved emotional issues. Issues like that stop people from having good, healthy relationships. She need to go to therapy to face the losses in her life before she can be in another relationship

[Caliguy64]

Thanks for the feedback. I hope you are right and that inside her somewhere she wants me. I care about her more than anything. These 3.5 weeks of NC have been hell - we had talked every day since we first met either by phone or text. Anyway I am not sure if she went to counseling after last ex but she did when she was married - no she has been on meds before for anxiety and depression. She told me that she felt things were hopeless at times cause there was so much on her shoulders. I wish she would get help as I think she needs to address her anxiety.

 

It was also hard because we were not intimate the last few weeks. Between schedules with kids, her vacation, etc we only spent one night together. No s*x but she said we reconnected and we had breakfast the next day and hung out so I did no think much of it. Weekend before we broke up she told me that the body image issues were seriously affecting her and she as sorry. She wanted to be with but she was trying hard to battle this. Said now that the honeymoon was over the real problems were there...again real confusing to me.

 

It was odd how it ended. We spent Fri/Sun together with her kids. Then Monday she was stressed caused she could not sleep (stress). tuesday stressed cause she had been up since 3....again no sleep. And then Wednesday night is when it all went down. Very fast and sudden

 

Her prior serious relationship with her ex ended when he told her he wanted to get married (he was separated) and then told her a couple of days later he could not and they broke up. She told me one night he had called her and told her he made a mistake but there is no way she would ever go back after what he did. He has 4 kids.....what are the odds of that working??

 

Now that we have not had contact my head is still spinning with 100 thoughts. Did she go back to him? Did she meet anyone else? If either of these are true I think she still has plenty of issues to deal with. I also wondered if she made this all up to push me away. Her mom felt like she was trying to push me away on purpose out of fear but I wondered if there was another reason.

 

Anyhow as I said earlier I did write her a one page letter and wish her well and told her I cared about her. Nothing heavy and I did not ask her to take me back. Just wanted her to know I cared. Hope that was not a bad move.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.....any thoughts are welcome here. Thanks for all the advice and perspective above.

[2sunny]

i would vote against the letter - have you sent it yet?

 

step back CG - way back... being there for her may cause her to step back further.

 

make her beg for you IF she wants you back eventually... she seems very unstable and that is not a happy thought for you - it can be a roller coaster ride that you don't want to ride.

 

since she's not making you her priority - make yourself stay really busy!!!

[Fouts]

Not much you can do Caliguy. Whatever it is that she does or doesn't want right now, unfortunately it's not you. Stress and life are just lame excuses, we ALL are overwhelmed at times, it doesn't mean we let go of those we care about.

 

You brought alot to the table, she's 40 w/baggage. She probably won't be able to find better, but that doesn't help you feel any less like crap...I know. Hang in there, you gave 100% and she's turning it away. Someone will come along and appreciate you and you'll move on soon enough.

[Caliguy64]

Not going to call - did send letter. At least if she never talks to me again she knows how I feel. Just wondering if she has completely forgot about me in her mind or just sorting through things in her head......

 

Hard to believe I may never talk to her again.....but I honestly believe she will be lucky if she find someone who cared as much as me. I kno wwhat I had to offer....

[YSS]

You did nothing...its not you, its her. Often times people fight or flight. She is running, no doubt about that. Perhaps she is starting to have some very strong feelings for you and it scares the crap out of her. once hurt, we all fear to be hurt again. But its no EXCUSE not to push through...some just are not strong enough, their fears rule over their happiness. She needs to come to this realization and for yourself, you need to see these actions with objectivity. yes we all have stress in our lives, yes we have all had our own crap to deal with it....but she is showing how emotionally "unhealthy" she is versus yourself. Do you really want to continut to invest in someone so flighty? If she comes back, you have the right to protect yourself and inquire about her true readiness to give to a relationship so it has a fair shot. No one deserves the angst of flip-flop. Not a kind way to treat someone who has been nothing but understanding, giving, compassionate and kind. At 40, she should know better.

[Caliguy64]

Ahhhh.....day 28 of NC. I have to say I actually felt ok today. Mailed the letter yesterday. Honestly either expecting no response or one that tells me she has no feelings. Just told her how I felt and wished her all the happiness in the world in my letter.....told her I really did not want a response or her to change her mind....just to think about things when she was ready.

 

So we will see.....at any rate I am remaining NC. This sucks. If she does have strong feelings for me as some of you suggest - she is showing it in a strange way...hence the unhealthy emotional state. Or....she just did not have feelings and she did not know how to say it.

[2sunny]

if she is the type of gal to get caught up in everyone else's chaos and drama like you said - she most likely isn't emotionally available to you now... and may never be if this is her pattern. typical codependent type... needs everyone else to be ok in order for her to consider herself and her own fun.

 

it's not healthy CG. she should have her happiness as her priority no matter what occurs in life.

[Ajax]

Your situation sounds 90% like mine, and I sympathize. It's really hard loving someone who has so much fear and doubt that it cripples their ability to sustain a relationship. What I've realized, and I hope you do to, is that you can't let this experience change who you are. You were a loving, trusting, and generous partner, and if it's with her or not, you're going to get to be that again.

[skydiveaddict]

cali, if a girl tells you she needs "space" , more often than not it's a cowardly way of breaking up w/you. I would set my sights on the future and try to forget her, as hard as it may be. Good luck to you

[Don Ho]

Bro, I have to agree with Skydive. I also have to say when a woman wants to be with you, come hell or high water, she WILL let you know. Sorry to break it to you Bro and I know how much it hurts, I think you should move on.

[spiderowl]

Sorry but she lost interest even though it all started good. Most relationships start good but don't always continue that way. Your story is one of her having mixed feelings then withdrawing erratically but persistently. If you were to look at her actions rather than what she actually said she wanted, what would they tell you?

 

Ironically, I think when people are having doubts, they almost express the opposite, e.g. "I really want this to work", when what they really mean is "I really want this to work, but ..." I well remember that a couple of weeks before an ex broke up with me out of the blue, he started coming out with all these complimentary phrases: "I really respect what you do/how you look after your family/how hard you work/your honesty .... blah, blah." I did wonder at the time where all this sudden and unsolicited praise was coming from! I guess at the back of his mind he was thinking 'this person has all these good qualities and yet I still want to leave' and so he was expressing part of that train of thought.

 

I'm sorry it's happened the way it has but I guess she wasn't feeling the same way after the initial excitement of a new relationship. It's no reflection on you, just means she's not the right person for you and she realised sooner than you did. I know it hurts terribly, but believe me, one day you will wonder how you ever thought she was right for you.

[Caliguy64]

So BU was exactly one month to the day. Was cleaning out some cards she got me and it really got me thinking. Lots of different opinions on here as to what happened. I will probably never know exactly what happened and I guess it does not matter.

 

All I know is when this first started....it was a couple of days after her telling me how much she wanted me in her life, how much she was looking forward to a future, asking me to go on vacation and meet her family, and after writing some very serious words in my birthday card...not to mention a very expensive present. After that there was always something wrong in her life.

 

No matter how you slice it....I don't think she is emotionally healthy and I am sure she is someone else's problem right now. I know my feelings were real. When I decide something I stick with it.

 

Thanks for the vent.

[Don Ho]

So BU was exactly one month to the day. Was cleaning out some cards she got me and it really got me thinking. Lots of different opinions on here as to what happened. I will probably never know exactly what happened and I guess it does not matter.

 

All I know is when this first started....it was a couple of days after her telling me how much she wanted me in her life, how much she was looking forward to a future, asking me to go on vacation and meet her family, and after writing some very serious words in my birthday card...not to mention a very expensive present. After that there was always something wrong in her life.

 

No matter how you slice it....I don't think she is emotionally healthy and I am sure she is someone else's problem right now. I know my feelings were real. When I decide something I stick with it.

 

Thanks for the vent.

 

You should have had those cards and all that kind of stuff boxed up and put in the attic. That way you don't look at them and "reminisce". You may not know the real reason she broke up with you. If you became soft as you went along, make sure you don't do that with the next woman.

 

She started telling you all that stuff after a couple of days? That should be a red flag and not taken as how much she likes you. It means she has problems. She's 40 Bro. This isn't puppy love anymore.

 

My Ex from years ago cheated on me. I "won" her back with NC and using good strategy. Guess what happened? A few months later she cheated again and ended up marrying the guy! I think she cheated on her first husband and every BF there after. That's her pattern. In the end I just had to shake my had and agree with what my friend told me "Be happy that she is now HIS problem". LOL. Move on. You'll be fine.

[Caliguy64]

No we were together a couple of months before she told me all of this - was not after a few days. What I meant was that this all started a few days after she told me all of this.

 

Again - probably with another dude - she did not heal overnight....no one can make up what she told me or she really is loony.

 

Trust me bro - I am in NC. Said my piece in a short letter to her she should be getting today and I am gone. I already have women asking me out!

[Don Ho]

No we were together a couple of months before she told me all of this - was not after a few days. What I meant was that this all started a few days after she told me all of this. Again - probably with another dude - she did not heal overnight....no one can make up what she told me or she really is loony

 

Got it. That's still a bit soon. Yep, it's like they tell us all that stuff and either they don't really believe it and its and what they're really trying to say is they don't want to be with you or they scare themselves. Doesn't really matter, it usually means they're loony!

[Caliguy64]

She actually told me one time that everything about me was so wonderful, she had been looking for something like this. But...things never work out for her so she wonders if it is really her time. Bottom line is I know what kind of man she gave up....it is her loss. Maybe my gain down the line.

 

She said she always wanted someone to feel about her the way I did but that she needed to be happy with herself. The more I remember what she said the crazier she sounds. If she said that to drive me away you are right she is crazy. A simple " I dont have feelings for you" would work just fine and be a lot more simple. But....she should not have changed her mind in a matter of days.

[Don Ho]

People and women act crazily sometimes when it comes to relationships Bro. Like my Ex, she wanted to know what I thought about our relationship and when I have her a light reply that I was good with just dating her and seeing where it was going to go, she got all distant a day later and it turned into a mess. It's like they ask you if you want a relationship and when you indicate you do, they dump you. WTF? Oh well. Guess they're just crazy. Maybe you don't understand it because you don't have problems and you're not crazy!

[Am4Real]

People and women act crazily sometimes when it comes to relationships Bro. Like my Ex, she wanted to know what I thought about our relationship and when I have her a light reply that I was good with just dating her and seeing where it was going to go, she got all distant a day later and it turned into a mess. It's like they ask you if you want a relationship and when you indicate you do, they dump you. WTF? Oh well. Guess they're just crazy. Maybe you don't understand it because you don't have problems and you're not crazy!

 

Oh good I can relate to that; it just made me smile, at least for a bit

 

Her words were more like “do you really love me”; I answered “yes” in an assertive tone.

 

We broke up the next day after (me being dumped) after an argument of regular theme escalated into “here’s everything that’s wrong with me and you don’t really love me” finale. I kid you not.