Learn from your past relationships?

[bestrong]

I believe every relationship makes me a better person regardless of how the relationship ends. I am also one of those who thinks it would be awesome to be friends with an ex because we were once so close and open with each other so they tend to understand why we behave/ feel in such ways.

 

My first relationship was the longest I have had. I was with her for 5 years and what I learned is that I shall never be self-centered and expect the other half to agree with me. I learned the importance of communication.

 

My second relationship was a year, I loved her too much to let her do whatever she wanted to. I learned that relationships are like flying a kite, you can't make a kite to fly higher without pulling it a bit. I learned to set boundaries.

 

My last relationship ended up badly. We never argued when we were friends and when we were together. We just couldn't stop hurting each other when we broke up. I didn't mean that and so did she ( I still believe so) It's just that we aren't in the same page anymore and despite of all the **** she brought me, I still think she has an awesome character, just not now because she wants me to move on and stop loving her.

 

I did my best when I was with her but I did it too much. I did everything just to make her happy, to please her and I didn't realize I was selling myself short. It is like going to the market and you are approached by someone who keeps lowering the price hoping that you will buy it. NO ONE wants that!

 

So I learned, and I hope I will not sell myself short in the future. I will love her wholeheartedly with losing myself. I will love myself more. What about you?

[Iselia]

I have only had one relationship that lasted about 4 years. So far I've learned:

• To never date someone so immature again.
  
• To retain my independence within the context of a relationship.
  
• To not date until my mid-twenties. I am so sick of immature teenagers.
  
• Do not trust everything that person says. Most likely, they don't really mean what they're telling you.
  
• If that person is raising a red flag, GTFO of there!
  
• Never be friends with an ex.
  
• Set boundaries with your ex. No contact is the best boundary possible.
  

Edited September 6, 2010 by Iselia
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[YellowShark]

I have learned one a cheater not always a cheater. Twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.

 

And if they do something they wouldn't do openly in front of you, they have crossed the line.

[PegNosePete]

I have learned one a cheater not always a cheater. Twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.

I don't understand the first part. Your wife was once a cheater, and was always a cheater, so you can't have learned the first part from her? Unless you learned it from someone else, who was once a cheater, but was not always a cheater...?

[YellowShark]

I don't understand the first part. Your wife was once a cheater, and was always a cheater, so you can't have learned the first part from her? Unless you learned it from someone else, who was once a cheater, but was not always a cheater...?

 

Here's my experience. If your partner steps out once, try to fix it unless they show no remorse and refuse to repair the damage they caused. If they do it again, that's an instant deal-breaker and there is no negotiation.

 

My EX had an EA with a co-worker. She did everything right to fix it so I cut her some slack and yet, two years later, she had another EA that went PA with a MM who has a pregant wife. I bailed 4 days later - instant deal-breaker and there was no negotiation.

[PegNosePete]

But according to your experience Yellow - once a cheater, always a cheater! She cheated once, and couldn't (in the long term) reform.

 

I'm being a bit pedantic here I know, and I do agree with your motto and theory. But your story seems to prove the opposite

[YellowShark]

But according to your experience Yellow - once a cheater, always a cheater! She cheated once, and couldn't (in the long term) reform.

 

I'm being a bit pedantic here I know, and I do agree with your motto and theory. But your story seems to prove the opposite

 

The key is if the cheater shows remorse, takes ownership, and tries to repair the damage they caused. In those instances I would give the cheater a second chance.

 

But if they cheat, show no remorse, do not take ownership, and do not try to repair the damage they caused, then they are a lost cause. So you must cut them loose.

 

My EX-of-seven-years cheated, showed remorse, took ownership, and tried to repair the damage she caused, so I gave her a second chance... because I loved her. When she did it again there was no second negotiation. I was gone in 4 days with my son... lock, stock and barrel.

[Iselia]

The key is if the cheater shows remorse, takes ownership, and tries to repair the damage they caused. In those instances I would give the cheater a second chance.

 

But if they cheat, show no remorse, do not take ownership, and do not try to repair the damage they caused, then they are a lost cause. So you must cut them loose.

 

My EX-of-seven-years cheated, showed remorse, took ownership, and tried to repair the damage she caused, so I gave her a second chance... because I loved her. When she did it again there was no second negotiation. I was gone in 4 days with my son... lock, stock and barrel.

 

If you don't mind answering this, I'm curious. When she cheated at first, did she instantly say she was sorry or did it take a few months for her to come around?

[YellowShark]

If you don't mind answering this, I'm curious. When she cheated at first, did she instantly say she was sorry or did it take a few months for her to come around?

 

I don't want to derail but maybe this will help someone reading this thread...

 

Here's what I learned from a past relationship.

 

I was at the computer that we had in our home office. I cut and pasted onto a Word document and what I pasted wasn't what I cut. What pasted was something entirely inappropriate she had written to "guy she used to work with."

 

I called her over to the computer and showed it to her. She immediately fessed up and told me everything. She took ownership, showed remorse, and we went to counseling for it. No questions asked. So I gave her a second chance because I loved her.

 

Had she tried to minimize it - (the old "he's just a friend" line) - hide it, lie about it, or shown no remorse I would have bailed on her for being entirely dishonest and without a conscience.

 

But, when she cheated a second time, there was no negotiation. "Once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater."

 

That is what I learned from a past relationship.

Edited September 6, 2010 by YellowShark
spelling

[bonpaw2008]

From every relationship I have learned I have to trust my instincts, if I get the feeling of mistrust or uneasiness I need to act on it, not just ignore it. Easier said then done when you are in the throws of "new love".

 

From this one specifically I was very stubborn, ignoring those signs from the beginning, trying to turn this mis-guided relationship formed on lust and familiarness into a love affair. I believe that since this break-up (8 weeks today) I have made some good decisions, understanding that the suitors knocking on the door currently are not worthy or able to help me out of this heartache, that I need to suffer through so I can find myself on the other side.

 

Mostly I have learned that this is about me, not about any of those who were attached to me before. I am the only one responsible for my happiness, and I will get there and be truly happy being me for the first time in my life.

[Cee]

I've heard that relationships are petri dishes for character flaws. That was true in my case.

 

I have learned that I am emotionally immature, insecure, jealous, quietly controlling, and dependent on men.

 

I have good qualities too, but they weren't counterbalanced by my issues. Therefore, I got counseling and stayed out of relationships for several years. Thanks to my past mistakes, I am a better person. I don't know how I'll be in my next relationship, but I hope to be much more grown up about it.

[ohno89]

 

• To retain my independence within the context of a relationship.
  
• Do not trust everything that person says. Most likely, they don't really mean what they're telling you.
  
• If that person is raising a red flag, GTFO of there!
  

 

All of the above, I STRONGLY believe in, and also:

 

- Don't be blinded by love; think out of that box. If it were your best friend going through what you were going through, what would you say to her? And apply that yourself!

- Communicate a little better

- Don't be petty and let the little things go

- Appreciate the good things a person does

- Don't be immature and stoop to their level; you will only feel worse for it. The best way to walk away is with your head held high, your dignity intact and with no regrets

[threebyfate]

Each relationship helped me to realize what worked and what didn't. This included behaviours on both sides.

 

When my husband came along, I was so ready for someone who loved me for all of me where I could love him for all of him. It's crazy how we just "get" each other.