Would you show the wife...

[stillafool]

I do feel a bit guilty about planning this because I know how much he trusts me, and I know I will get shouted at but I do genuinely believe he loved me so this will hurt him big time.

 

But i don't owe him anything.

 

Why would you feel guilty about the way he has f'd up his marriage. Why should you care if he trusts you and you certainly shouldn't ever put up with him yelling at you.

 

Are you sure you decided not to tell his w because you are afraid MM will be so angry he won't speak to you again?

[Amelia81]

Why would you feel guilty about the way he has f'd up his marriage. Why should you care if he trusts you and you certainly shouldn't ever put up with him yelling at you.

 

Are you sure you decided not to tell his w because you are afraid MM will be so angry he won't speak to you again?

 

You can do no right on here.

 

Tell her, and I must want her to kick him out to have him back.

 

Don't tell her, I don't want him to be mad at me so I can have him back.

 

I can assure you all I DON'T WANT HIM BACK!!!

 

Yesterday I was hurt and angry, I will be a rollercoaster of emotions for a while. I am not going to send any messages of any sorts as if either of them retaliate it is not giving me chance to move on and it will make me feel worse.

 

I have deleted his phone number, old texts, emails, photos, thrown stuff out that was ours and today I will be posting back his t-shirt (with no stamp on so he has to pay - allow me a tiny little revenge).

 

I am also going to come off this site as it actually doesn't help, it keeps it all fresh in my mind. I need to forget about it.

 

Thanks for those who have supported me though.

 

Amelia x

[2themoon&back]

You can do no right on here.

 

Tell her, and I must want her to kick him out to have him back.

 

Don't tell her, I don't want him to be mad at me so I can have him back.

 

I can assure you all I DON'T WANT HIM BACK!!!

 

Yesterday I was hurt and angry, I will be a rollercoaster of emotions for a while. I am not going to send any messages of any sorts as if either of them retaliate it is not giving me chance to move on and it will make me feel worse.

 

I have deleted his phone number, old texts, emails, photos, thrown stuff out that was ours and today I will be posting back his t-shirt (with no stamp on so he has to pay - allow me a tiny little revenge).

 

I am also going to come off this site as it actually doesn't help, it keeps it all fresh in my mind. I need to forget about it.

 

Thanks for those who have supported me though.

 

Amelia x

 

 

i wish you the very best of luck

[Elevation]

I too found this site too antagonistic too and am not going to continue with my thread but it gave me clarity to say to myself hey I am ok thanks and I'll make my own decisions! I have been reading for a year or so and just posted for the first time, was gobsmacked at the way people feel entitled to be so haughty and holier than thou when for the most part they're all caught up in bad situations themselves and are no better!! But hey I don't want to fall out with anyone, all in the same boat in one way or another.

As for your guy I hope it works our for you but it's a bit of an alarm bell that you say he's already had an affair with his wife's friend? Nice man, I can understand why you'd want to dish the dirt but I wouldn't do it. I have been treated not very well by the married man I got involved with and yet I am glad I didn't go down the path of dropping him in it or causing trouble, it wouldn't have made me feel better, except temporarily maybe. Hold your head up and keep your dignity and don't do it.

PS don't even post the t-shirt back, throw it away, it only tells him you're thinking of him and are hurting over him and that gives him continued power, DON'T!! Just my humble opinion.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Elevation

[blizzard]

Actually I wonder if he really did tell his wife. This is another one of those right out of the married man handbook things.

 

Ow pressures mm.

mm tells ow ok I will ask my wife for a divorce.

mm goes home has a nice day. Gives wifey and kids a hug.

mm reports back to ow oh I told my wife but she wants to try to make it work.

mm is full of crap and never did anything.

 

If he told, his wife would have thrown him out for the night at the very least. I bet he never told her a thing. Yep show her. She needs to know her husband was having an affair.

 

This was my first thought as well.

 

Not that she would have thrown him out though if she did know...b/c in my situation that didn't occur. She should of though. I believe that if he did tell her, I think he would play smarter and lay low for awhile. Sorry I haven't read through all the posts but does she know who you are?

[jennie-jennie]

Actually I wonder if he really did tell his wife. This is another one of those right out of the married man handbook things.

 

Ow pressures mm.

mm tells ow ok I will ask my wife for a divorce.

mm goes home has a nice day. Gives wifey and kids a hug.

mm reports back to ow oh I told my wife but she wants to try to make it work.

mm is full of crap and never did anything.

 

If he told, his wife would have thrown him out for the night at the very least. I bet he never told her a thing. Yep show her. She needs to know her husband was having an affair.

 

Why the roundabout?

 

This is a more likely scenario according to my experiences:

 

OW pressures MM.

MM tells OW he wants to work on the marriage.

MM goes home and is physically around the house but keeps thinking about the OW.

MM breaks NC after a longer or shorter interval.

MM wants to resume the affair and not change anything.

 

Amelia, the fact that your MM did not follow the above scenario, makes his story trustworthy IMO.

[Mimolicious]

Well if he thinks I'd have sympathy for him, he doesn't know me very well.

 

 

Its so much easier to get over someone when you see them for who they really are.

 

 

Whoa! Maybe this is why he wouldn't leave his W for you. It was ONLY 4 months. That's a little shot-gun to leave his life behind for someone that he only knows for 4 months. Don't you think? Kinda takes back to the second bolded part. In 4 months, you can't know who someone is...

 

Cut your losses... and keep it moving. Remember, don't do to others. One day, you will be married to.

[Mimolicious]

Hi FA,

 

Yup, I totally see your point, the situation is tricky and no I do not want to hurt his wife anymore than I have already. I feel very sorry for her and I guess I was paraphrasing my story slightly.

 

I will explain: There is someone else involved, - the wife's best friend. She has contacted me in the past - she found out months ago about the affair. But did not say anything. I guess when I said I would not say anything unless provoked, I really meant unless the wives best friend provokes me. - the reason for that is becasue the 'best friend' who is currently comforting his wife also had an affair with this man. She is a hypocrite. - If she provoked me, I would let her have it and she is lower than any of us.

 

Hope that clears it up.

 

I feel sorry for his wife, her husband has cheated on her several times, he has told her he wants to make their marriage work yet he is still seeking me out and to make matters worse she is confiding in her best friend who unbeknownst to her had a 2 year long affair with her husband.

I am just telling myself “He says he loves his wife and this is how he treats her! –“ I am out of it now, I got a lucky escape.

 

I would love to tell her, not to cause her pain but becasue I feel she has the right to know. This however, is not my descion - and I will not take it into my hands

 

 

Riight! But isn't this the same dude that you were:

 

We kissed, talked, cried, he told me he is still unhappy, he misses me and blahh blahh blahh.

 

and that you would:

 

I have some dirt on him and would love to tell his wife, but the only reason I would do it is because I want her out of the picture so that I can have him. And if i told her, then he would not want to be with me.

 

Classic! You know what a POS this guy is, even having an A with his W's bff and yet you are hurting because you are not with him. Such a gem, he is.

[greengoddess]

Why the roundabout?

 

This is a more likely scenario according to my experiences:

 

OW pressures MM.

MM tells OW he wants to work on the marriage.

MM goes home and is physically around the house but keeps thinking about the OW.

MM breaks NC after a longer or shorter interval.

MM wants to resume the affair and not change anything.

 

Amelia, the fact that your MM did not follow the above scenario, makes his story trustworthy IMO.

LOL how is this scenario any different? Except you included mm keeps thinking about the ow.

[jennie-jennie]

Actually I wonder if he really did tell his wife. This is another one of those right out of the married man handbook things.

 

Ow pressures mm.

mm tells ow ok I will ask my wife for a divorce.

mm goes home has a nice day. Gives wifey and kids a hug.

mm reports back to ow oh I told my wife but she wants to try to make it work.

mm is full of crap and never did anything.

 

If he told, his wife would have thrown him out for the night at the very least. I bet he never told her a thing. Yep show her. She needs to know her husband was having an affair.

 

Why the roundabout?

 

This is a more likely scenario according to my experiences:

 

OW pressures MM.

MM tells OW he wants to work on the marriage.

MM goes home and is physically around the house but keeps thinking about the OW.

MM breaks NC after a longer or shorter interval.

MM wants to resume the affair and not change anything.

 

Amelia, the fact that your MM did not follow the above scenario, makes his story trustworthy IMO.

 

LOL how is this scenario any different? Except you included mm keeps thinking about the ow.

 

In your scenario the MM lies to the OW. In my scenario he is honest to his OW while struggling with being torn between the affair and the marriage.

 

Why would a MM pretend to talk to his wife about divorce when he can just refer to needing to work on his marriage? Why the unnecessary lie?

 

I believe my scenario is much more common than yours. "Needing to work on my marriage" is a phase most MM go through.

[bohogirl]

She doesn't want to hurt her. She wants to hurt him. She wants the W to know what a piece of carp he is. Why? Because she wants him to end up with NOBODY.

As for hurting the W, she didn't care about that during the A, and she doesn't care about it now...except in that perhaps the two of them will now relate in that they have both been screwed over by MM.

 

Making blanket assumptions is rarely clever.

 

The many times I outed my ex was simply to make him tell his wife about me. Yes, I really am that full on.

 

Towards the end I realised that it didn't matter what I said to BS she was going to stick it out. MM knew this so never ever showed anger or retaliation towards me for "acting out" - I wasn't ruining anything for him.

 

T/J I read somewhere that some people destroy intimate relationships in order to test them. I think there is some truth to that. MM sorely tested BS BUT she chose remain married because she wanted to.

 

BS had cheated before and so had MM - but he never forgave her. BS is a SAHM and MM pays for the life she leads which he also resents.

 

Not all "affairs" are black and white. There isn't always an innocent BS/evil OW/scheming MM. Just people trying to make the best of a bad situation.

[donnamaybe]

Why the roundabout?

 

This is a more likely scenario according to my experiences:

 

OW pressures MM.

MM tells OW he wants to work on the marriage.

MM goes home and is physically around the house but keeps thinking about the OW.

MM breaks NC after a longer or shorter interval.

MM wants to resume the affair and not change anything.

 

Amelia, the fact that your MM did not follow the above scenario, makes his story trustworthy IMO.

Because in the OP's version, the MM WANTS to leave his W for his OW, but then makes the HUGE sacrifice of staying and trying to work on his M. Makes the MM seem that much nicer a guy.

[Fight4Me]

Amelia, I wish you would reconsider leaving here. I know that it can be a shock to the emotions when you get a lot of varied and strong responses, but once you get past that, you learn to take the helpful advice and discard the rest. To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised to see your thinking evolve in a positive way from your initial post, so this place can't be ALL that bad. I'm a fBW, so that should say something (I would hope).

 

Speaking of being a fBW, I'm in the camp that the wife needs to know, but I would advise anyone thinking about doing it to approach it with compassion. Even if you don't have any for her for whatever reason, at least do your best to inflict the least amount of humiliation. There's no way to avoid the pain, but it's like hot coals when more humiliation is dumped on you. In my opinion, an email that outlines the basics of the affair (without intimate details), with perhaps a few dates when you met up to provide just enough credibility, is the best way to go for all involved. If she requests more, then you can provide it.

 

Not all BS's turn into raging lunatics toward the OW, although you shouldn't expect happy happy joy joy, either. However, if you back away from her WH with complete NC, she is far more likely to appreciate the information. I guarantee I would.

 

Amelia, I really hope you find healing and peace in the wake of all this. Yes, you entered into this knowing he was married, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn from the heartache and pain and move on to greater things. I wish you well.

[fooled once]

My MM (or now xMM!) of four months told his wife on thursday that he was leaving her (I was walking away and he didn't want to lose me). She was having none of it so he told her the truth, about him and me.

 

After lots of chatting, she wants a fresh start and he feels he owes it to her and the kids to try blah blah blah.

 

Needless to say I was hurt but I know I am the strong one in all of this, and will come out of this alot better than they will.

 

I have been chatting to him on msn this morning as I still wanted some answers to help move on. Despite everything, he wants to remain in contact (against her wishes, not that she knows it) and has offered to see me on Saturday. To test him, I have suggested one last moment of passion and he is tempted.

 

Selfishly, I want to hurt him and so am thinking of forwarding these to his W. I know she doesn't deserve it, but should she also know what he's still doing? What would you do?

 

I am curious as to why, after being told he wanted to work on his marriage, you decided to chat him up on messenger? I mean, what was your motivation? Closure? That comes from within. Plotting revenge? That isn't healthy or very good, because a lot of the time, that can and does bite you (general you) in the rear.

 

Why don't you realize you made a mistake, got involved with the wrong man and move on with YOUR life, stop worrying about his?

 

It might work better for you

 

Agree.

 

OP doesn't want to hurt the wife. She simply wants his wife to see first hand how duplicitous her hubby is. Since they are reconciling and all.

 

I actually got from the post that she does want to hurt the wife. I just really have such a hard time with OW who blame the wife for fighting for the marriage. Why? As we can see on this board, there are many OW who still fight for the MM. Why can't the wife fight for her marriage?

 

In that case then, its still an option to forward them to her cos even if he is lying to me now, it still shows her who he really is!

 

She deserves better than him too surely.

 

Sure she does. But she also deserves a chance to find that out for herself, just like you found out for yourself. Had someone told you this would happen a month ago, you wouldn't have believed them. Just like with our kids, while we can tell them all we want not to do x,y or z, they will do it because they learn by making mistakes.

 

She will eventually find out and come to her OWN conclusion about her marriage. You didn't have any problem deceiving her when you started the affair, but now you have this concern for her?

 

No you don't owe him anything, but I think what you are considering doing is very selfish and misguided because your main goal is to hurt him.

 

I also think part of your motive is hoping she will throw him out and he will come running to you because you do believe he loved you, but I don't think you have considered at all the possible **** storm and drama that you might be bringing on yourself if you send that letter to her.

 

You really need to think about this for a few days instead of doing something you might regret for all the wrong reasons.

 

I believe this as well.

 

Its difficult to explain without giving away TMI. We met through an organisation which involved youths. he had a prior commitment. He has agreed to leave the organisation but she agreed with him that it would be unfair to let the youths down if he didn't keep to this commitment. So she is trusting him yet he is using it as a chance to meet with me.

 

apart from that, i get the impression from him she is definitely watching him like a hawk. his apparent reason for taking his time to contact me on saturday as she would not leave him alone all day. I do believe he has told her.

 

I know I say I think he genuinely loved me, and I did/do love him, but I know what is good for me and he is not. I know I would never be able to trust him or forgive him for what he has done. He is too weak and selfish. I can't bear to go through the last few days again. I have never felt so low in my life. I wont allow him to have the opportunity to do that to me again.

 

My head is winning on this one fortunately, the heart is just a bit behind in catching up.

 

Don't you think all wives who find out their husband have been cheating are watching them like a hawk? Do you think that the wife just automatically starts trusting him again?

 

I believe he care(d) for you; but I don't believe he loved you; at least not loved you enough. I also find it hard to believe you love him since you are so willing and ready to strike out and hurt him and NOW you see what a cheating liar he is. People are selfish; fact of life. Some people are intentionally selfish, some are selfish by default and some have to learn to be MORE selfish because of past hurts and let downs. I am selfish in that I want to spend as much time with my son as I can, even though he is a young adult. That is selfish of me because I am not ready to let him go. It is selfish of me to want to get home after my husband, that way I don't have to make dinner

 

I will never understand why some ow want to run and tell the wife after the fun is over. It's pretty simple really, just say no to the guy from the begining and you wouldn't have to go through all of this turmoil. I mean is all this really worth it? will it make you feel better by getting revenge and hurting the bw.

 

Agreed. But like I said above, some people, myself included, had to go through some very hard times before I learned a lesson. Also, with me, I know that being in the bad spot in my life is what led me to finding my husband So in a way, the fall out of my affair brought me the love I have today. I do not regret the affair (I regret the hurt I caused after being lied to); but in the end, for ME, things worked out perfectly.

 

Good luck. I hope you don't send the letter to the wife if the intention is to hurt her. I hope you just back away from him/her and their marriage and move on with your life.

[pureinheart]

Why the roundabout?

 

This is a more likely scenario according to my experiences:

 

OW pressures MM.

MM tells OW he wants to work on the marriage.

MM goes home and is physically around the house but keeps thinking about the OW.

MM breaks NC after a longer or shorter interval.

MM wants to resume the affair and not change anything.

 

Amelia, the fact that your MM did not follow the above scenario, makes his story trustworthy IMO.

 

I would also like to add Jennie if you don't mind.

 

Isn't it speculation until Amelia is either told by MM or his W that his W does or doesn't know? While it is in the speculation stage, there should be no speculation, which I call imaginations.

 

If that is what MM told her then that is what it is until she finds out different from a reliable source.

[jennie-jennie]

I would also like to add Jennie if you don't mind.

 

Isn't it speculation until Amelia is either told by MM or his W that his W does or doesn't know? While it is in the speculation stage, there should be no speculation, which I call imaginations.

 

If that is what MM told her then that is what it is until she finds out different from a reliable source.

 

Yep, yet another one of those poisonous seeds of doubt which seem to be in abundance here.

[pureinheart]

You can do no right on here.

 

Tell her, and I must want her to kick him out to have him back.

 

Don't tell her, I don't want him to be mad at me so I can have him back.

 

I can assure you all I DON'T WANT HIM BACK!!!

 

Yesterday I was hurt and angry, I will be a rollercoaster of emotions for a while. I am not going to send any messages of any sorts as if either of them retaliate it is not giving me chance to move on and it will make me feel worse.

 

I have deleted his phone number, old texts, emails, photos, thrown stuff out that was ours and today I will be posting back his t-shirt (with no stamp on so he has to pay - allow me a tiny little revenge).

 

I am also going to come off this site as it actually doesn't help, it keeps it all fresh in my mind. I need to forget about it.

 

Thanks for those who have supported me though.

 

Amelia x

 

Hi Amelia,

 

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience with everything...it will get better with time and I hope you are ok...LS can be really weird coupled with a mob type mentality at times, so I don't blame you.

 

If you don't mind I'd like to communicate my feelings concerning your sitch should you continue to read the replies.

 

In bold, I agree with your choice and do understand what where you are at, and are coming from. It's not easy girl...to think your life will go one way then have it completely turned the other...but, that is okay as we are a resilient people:).

 

Live your life and have fun...MM will get his if in fact he is completely guilty, I strongly believe in you reap what you sow...it is the law of the land IMO...take care Amelia and give us an update on how you are if you want:)

[jennie-jennie]

Because in the OP's version, the MM WANTS to leave his W for his OW, but then makes the HUGE sacrifice of staying and trying to work on his M. Makes the MM seem that much nicer a guy.

 

The nicer guy is to me the one who tells his OW the truth even when it hurts.

[donnamaybe]

The nicer guy is to me the one who tells his OW the truth even when it hurts.

Precisely.

[jj33]

T/J I read somewhere that some people destroy intimate relationships in order to test them. I think there is some truth to that. MM sorely tested BS BUT she chose remain married because she wanted to.

 

BS had cheated before and so had MM - but he never forgave her. BS is a SAHM and MM pays for the life she leads which he also resents.

 

Not all "affairs" are black and white. There isn't always an innocent BS/evil OW/scheming MM. Just people trying to make the best of a bad situation.

 

That is very similar to my situation. Same background of As, children are grown but otherwise same she never really worked. He stays for reasons you put in another thread. A = OK, public humiliation of an A that is not discreet or a D not OK.

[Dexter Morgan]

OP doesn't want to hurt the wife. She simply wants his wife to see first hand how duplicitous her hubby is. Since they are reconciling and all.

 

 

seeing as how your posts to BS's on this forum are an attempt to shove the sexual affair in their face....I'd say your statement above is bunk.