Would you show the wife...

[greengoddess]

hmmm maybe you should tell the mm that you would like to apologise to his wife and put her mind at ease that you will respect her wish to reconcile and will step out of the picture. His reaction should tell you whether she really knows or not.

[hopesndreams]

In that case then, its still an option to forward them to her cos even if he is lying to me now, it still shows her who he really is!

 

She deserves better than him too surely.

 

Absolutely. But, that will be her call. Since she has children with him and loves him, the M could be recovered with MC. He might even be remorseful and with that, the M could be better than it ever was before. That's if there was ever a problem in the first place.

[Silly_Girl]

Absolutely. But, that will be her call. Since she has children with him and loves him, the M could be recovered with MC. He might even be remorseful and with that, the M could be better than it ever was before. That's if there was ever a problem in the first place.

 

Sorry H, I didn't get the gist of this. There absolutely, is, without a shadow of a doubt, a problem.

 

Or by saying there's possibly not a problem, do you mean he's a cheater and the marriage is hunky-dory?

[greengoddess]

Sorry H, I didn't get the gist of this. There absolutely, is, without a shadow of a doubt, a problem.

 

Or by saying there's possibly not a problem, do you mean he's a cheater and the marriage is hunky-dory?

 

Very possible. Most times the problem lays within the mm and not the marriage. Sometimes the married person is just depressed over possibly a work situation and takes a big ego slide and just doesn't feel like a big man anymore. Cheaters have huge egos and oftentimes the cheating is for the ego boost. What could be better on the ego than having two women fawn all over you. The cheating relationship is usually perfect too. The mm can do no wrong. There's no chores, no trash to put out or pets to feed or lawns to mow. Just happy to see you ego feeding fun!! Now when the wife finds out umm yep major marital problems.

[hopesndreams]

Sorry H, I didn't get the gist of this. There absolutely, is, without a shadow of a doubt, a problem.

 

Or by saying there's possibly not a problem, do you mean he's a cheater and the marriage is hunky-dory?

 

Yes.

 

Cheaters are good deceivers. Until such time the W catches on, everything can appear to be hunky-dory.

[2themoon&back]

i do not think it matters one way or the other if the wife knows or not, my MM's W discovered the A 4 different times over a period of 7 months and she know everything and she still wants to work it out with him.... so tell or don't tell, do what you can live with, i do believe you may want to sit back and watch how this unfolds on its own... it may surprise you.

 

i understand the need to hit back, i did it and regret it every day now. i only felt better for a minute and that minute has long passed, now i just feel like crap.

 

it is true the best thing to do for you is let him have what he wants, make him stay true to his choice, he chooses to stay with W, then hold him to that choice, he has not earned the right to have another moment of your time, support his reconciliation, because if that’s what he wants …than that’s all he will have.

 

and do not worry the W knows and if she does not she will(she just needs to pay attention), i find these MM will do it again. let him be the one to hurt her not you, because all the hate and hurt she will feel will end up being focused on you and not the MM.

 

I know you are hurt and you want to make sure he hurts too, I get it !!! and he will, I promise.

 

I wish you luck here, and hope you do what is right for you, not the MM nor his W, just you.

Edited September 6, 2010 by 2themoon&back

[BB07]

My MM (or now xMM!) of four months told his wife on thursday that he was leaving her (I was walking away and he didn't want to lose me). She was having none of it so he told her the truth, about him and me.

 

After lots of chatting, she wants a fresh start and he feels he owes it to her and the kids to try blah blah blah.

 

Another well worn story that gets heard around here way too often. I think he saw an angle to keep you and keep his marriage going at the same time so he lied.

 

Needless to say I was hurt but I know I am the strong one in all of this, and will come out of this alot better than they will.

 

I have been chatting to him on msn this morning as I still wanted some answers to help move on. Despite everything, he wants to remain in contact (against her wishes, not that she knows it) and has offered to see me on Saturday. To test him, I have suggested one last moment of passion and he is tempted.

 

As others have mentioned, why do you think she knows? Just because he told you? Perhaps he wants to cool it down for reasons that have nothing at all to do with her. Maybe you are putting pressure on him or maybe he just wants to cool it down, put you more in your place (of not expecting much) or he is a little paranoid about getting caught. Possibly an attack of conscious, but I doubt it.

Ummmm the testing part, I get it, but yet I don't. You are better off not going there imo as it will only cause you more grief.

 

Selfishly, I want to hurt him and so am thinking of forwarding these to his W. I know she doesn't deserve it, but should she also know what he's still doing? What would you do?

 

No she doesn't deserve it and it is very selfish on your part to want to hurt her. Afterall you weren't thinking about her much when you were with HER hubby, so I don't buy the change of heart now. I think your primary motivation is to hurt him, because he has hurt you. I would not tell her anything, UNLESS she contacts you. If she contacts you, I'd answer any questions she asks honestly.

[newstart43]

No she doesn't deserve it and it is very selfish on your part to want to hurt her. Afterall you weren't thinking about her much when you were with HER hubby, so I don't buy the change of heart now. I think your primary motivation is to hurt him, because he has hurt you. I would not tell her anything, UNLESS she contacts you. If she contacts you, I'd answer any questions she asks honestly.

 

She doesn't want to hurt her. She wants to hurt him. She wants the W to know what a piece of carp he is. Why? Because she wants him to end up with NOBODY.

As for hurting the W, she didn't care about that during the A, and she doesn't care about it now...except in that perhaps the two of them will now relate in that they have both been screwed over by MM.

[stillafool]

I think the w deserves to know about him still wanting to sleep with you. His W deserves better than trash like him. Yes, tell her what he is doing for her sake, and also to keep him from ever contacting you again.

[bentnotbroken]

how duplucitous he is? He actually told his wife the truth. She is the one trying to test him with an offer of sex instead of just letting it go when he said he wants to work on his marriage.

 

 

 

He SAYS(we all know how that is)that he told his wife the truth. She can make sure the wife knows and has a choice. I don't care what the motive.

[Amelia81]

What about sending him this, and forwarding her a copy on to her saying that I don't expect her to believe me but I think she needs to know, and I have chat logs if she wishes to see them...

 

Dear MM,

 

Thank you for the chat today. It has definitely helped me clear things up in my head. I stand by what I said in reply to your text yesterday. You have shown me for the man you really are (or lack of man). I know you are not being intentionally nasty but your weakness and false promises is not what I want in a life partner. I deserve better and sadly enough, so does (Wife).

 

Therefore I am not free to meet you on Saturday and I do not want to continue with our friendship. You said yourself that it is dangerous because of how we used to be with each other. It surprises me that if you really want to give things another go with (Wife), that you are still lying to her and have concerns for me. I am no longer your concern, you made that decision for yourself.

 

Please do not contact me again and respect my wishes. I expect our paths won't cross now you have decided to leave (the place we met) for definite.

 

Amelia81

[Amelia81]

I do feel a bit guilty about planning this because I know how much he trusts me, and I know I will get shouted at but I do genuinely believe he loved me so this will hurt him big time.

 

But i don't owe him anything.

[2sunny]

just call his W from a blocked number. her reaction should tell you everything he won't say.

 

at that point, move forward. he's not worth spending your time or energy worrying about what he is or isn't going to do.

 

 

ps... i don't think he told her a thing. IF he did she'd be watching him like a hawk...and he wouldn't be im-ing you. he says he told her because he needed you to back off with your demands since he intends to stay married. you were upsetting his applecart... so he found a way to try to keep you around and his W as well.

 

he's thinking you'll keep seeing him. i like that you're being strong. yes, tell his W.

Edited September 6, 2010 by 2sunny

[breaking_bad]

I'm sorry but I just wouldn't waste any more time with this guy and his problems. For all you know, as others have pointed out, he may never have had an actual convo w/ his W. And he may have. Which means (and you can pick one):

 

1) he's a passive agressive guy who cannot be honest with himself or anyone else, and certainly will not take any ownership of his own s**t

2) he's a complete coward and a selfish a**clown who doesn't care about you or his BS in the slightest regard

 

So either way, why bother sending a letter? I know that this whole situation must be infuriating for you (and for anyone else involved). I can completely understand why you would want to call him out, to force him to own up to something.

 

But really, it isn't going to matter. And frankly, who knows what will happen when you throw that grenade into crazy town. You just never know, and right now, you need to be thinking of yourself.

 

It might It might make you feel better for a second, but all it's going to do is keep you engaged in a situation that frankly you just need to get as far away from as possible.

[BB07]

I do feel a bit guilty about planning this because I know how much he trusts me, and I know I will get shouted at but I do genuinely believe he loved me so this will hurt him big time.

 

But i don't owe him anything.

 

 

No you don't owe him anything, but I think what you are considering doing is very selfish and misguided because your main goal is to hurt him.

 

I also think part of your motive is hoping she will throw him out and he will come running to you because you do believe he loved you, but I don't think you have considered at all the possible **** storm and drama that you might be bringing on yourself if you send that letter to her.

 

You really need to think about this for a few days instead of doing something you might regret for all the wrong reasons.

[newstart43]

There might be a calculated way to determine liklihood that he told his W anything.

What excuse is he using to see you Saturday? I would think it would have to be nearly air-tight for this man to not be watched like a hawk by his W after a recent d-day.

If he can get away easily to see you, then no d-day has transpired, or she's as gullible as they come.

[Amelia81]

I am thinking it will be best to not send it now after considering the responses and chatting to mum too (mums are great!).

 

If I send that i may think its my 'closure' and last word but it may not stop her from replying to me and stirring things up again and who knows what abuse she could give me. IF he told her, she knows he is a liar already and she has made the decision to stay and try to trust him again.

 

I had told him I would let him know either way about saturday (I was buying myself time) but I am not going to contact him at all now. He doesn't deserve me to keep to my word.

 

I have already deleted his phone number.

 

I think the other reason for considering sending it is I knew it would p**s him off so he would be less likely to pursue me. I do worry about not always being able to stay strong.

[Amelia81]

There might be a calculated way to determine liklihood that he told his W anything.

What excuse is he using to see you Saturday? I would think it would have to be nearly air-tight for this man to not be watched like a hawk by his W after a recent d-day.

If he can get away easily to see you, then no d-day has transpired, or she's as gullible as they come.

 

Its difficult to explain without giving away TMI. We met through an organisation which involved youths. he had a prior commitment. He has agreed to leave the organisation but she agreed with him that it would be unfair to let the youths down if he didn't keep to this commitment. So she is trusting him yet he is using it as a chance to meet with me.

 

apart from that, i get the impression from him she is definitely watching him like a hawk. his apparent reason for taking his time to contact me on saturday as she would not leave him alone all day. I do believe he has told her.

 

I know I say I think he genuinely loved me, and I did/do love him, but I know what is good for me and he is not. I know I would never be able to trust him or forgive him for what he has done. He is too weak and selfish. I can't bear to go through the last few days again. I have never felt so low in my life. I wont allow him to have the opportunity to do that to me again.

 

My head is winning on this one fortunately, the heart is just a bit behind in catching up.

[vanilla chai]

I will never understand why some ow want to run and tell the wife after the fun is over. It's pretty simple really, just say no to the guy from the begining and you wouldn't have to go through all of this turmoil. I mean is all this really worth it? will it make you feel better by getting revenge and hurting the bw.

[torranceshipman]

I agree with you Vanilla Chai, but only if the personality of the OW is vindictive, in that they only plan on telling out of bitterness, etc.

 

There are plenty more OW out there that genuinely want the W to know what a piece of crap they have to sleep with every night (especially the ones that have just realized how many lies they were told, who may have been believing that the W already knew there was an A, that they lived like roommates, that she is an abusive crazy person who also had her own A, who is cold and denies him sex...all the usual cliche lies). When someone realizes the extent of the lies, the need to tell can come from a genuine place.

 

Personally I am all for A's being outed as it stops the merry go round of lies. If I were ever cheated on by my fiance (/husband when he becomes my H!), I would 100% rather know about it than be kept in the dark. Actually I'd feel that the OW was putting the boot in even more if they didn't admit to it all after then fact if my H had not only slept with her, but lied to her, and treated her (as well as me) like crap. I#d need to know what kind of man I really had in my life.

[2sunny]

so don't see him Saturday... and no need to even tell him you're not meeting him.

 

let him figure it out on his own. YOU spend time and energy waiting for him - now it's his turn to have his hopes up and be let down.

 

don't respond to any further contact he may try to make. that tells him alot more than speaking any words to him.

[Billie]

My MM (or now xMM!) of four months told his wife on thursday that he was leaving her (I was walking away and he didn't want to lose me). She was having none of it so he told her the truth, about him and me.

 

After lots of chatting, she wants a fresh start and he feels he owes it to her and the kids to try blah blah blah.

 

Needless to say I was hurt but I know I am the strong one in all of this, and will come out of this alot better than they will.

 

I have been chatting to him on msn this morning as I still wanted some answers to help move on. Despite everything, he wants to remain in contact (against her wishes, not that she knows it) and has offered to see me on Saturday. To test him, I have suggested one last moment of passion and he is tempted.

 

Selfishly, I want to hurt him and so am thinking of forwarding these to his W. I know she doesn't deserve it, but should she also know what he's still doing? What would you do?

 

 

This exact situation is happening to me right now. I was wlaking away, so he told his Wife as he didn't want to loose me. She wanted to make things work, so he ditched me (strange logic isn't it!!)

 

I was so upset as between me walking away and him telling his wife, he had convinced me that we were meant to be. I was finally allowed to admit that I really wanted him. - Then he left.

 

Anyway, he told me he would never call or contact me again. But a week later we bumped into eachother, he'd been looking for me, he missed me. He then turned up unannounced round my flat (he said that he promised his wife he would not call or text me, so he could only ever turn up unannounced as that way he wasn't breaking his promise!!!) - We kissed, talked, cried, he told me he is still unhappy, he misses me and blahh blahh blahh.

 

I have some dirt on him and would love to tell his wife, but the only reason I would do it is because I want her out of the picture so that I can have him. And if i told her, then he would not want to be with me.

 

It's werd, but I feel like I want to hurt him too. He has hurt me so much then just waltzed off without being there to see me in pain and see all the hurt he caused. I will not tell his wife what I know, I will keep my head up and not sink to that level (unless she ever provokes me, then I will let her have it) But instead my way of hurting him is by not contacting him, nonot being in the places where he goes looking for me. Not being there for when he wants me and misses me. Not allowing him to have it all!

 

Its only day two and it is tough, but like you say I know I will come out of this better than them, so I want to do it with as much integrity as possible.

 

Good Luck!!

[Fallen Angel]

This exact situation is happening to me right now. I was wlaking away, so he told his Wife as he didn't want to loose me. She wanted to make things work, so he ditched me (strange logic isn't it!!)

 

I was so upset as between me walking away and him telling his wife, he had convinced me that we were meant to be. I was finally allowed to admit that I really wanted him. - Then he left.

 

Anyway, he told me he would never call or contact me again. But a week later we bumped into eachother, he'd been looking for me, he missed me. He then turned up unannounced round my flat (he said that he promised his wife he would not call or text me, so he could only ever turn up unannounced as that way he wasn't breaking his promise!!!) - We kissed, talked, cried, he told me he is still unhappy, he misses me and blahh blahh blahh.

 

I have some dirt on him and would love to tell his wife, but the only reason I would do it is because I want her out of the picture so that I can have him. And if i told her, then he would not want to be with me.

 

It's werd, but I feel like I want to hurt him too. He has hurt me so much then just waltzed off without being there to see me in pain and see all the hurt he caused. I will not tell his wife what I know, I will keep my head up and not sink to that level (unless she ever provokes me, then I will let her have it) But instead my way of hurting him is by not contacting him, nonot being in the places where he goes looking for me. Not being there for when he wants me and misses me. Not allowing him to have it all!

 

Its only day two and it is tough, but like you say I know I will come out of this better than them, so I want to do it with as much integrity as possible.

 

Good Luck!!

 

I am sorry, perhaps I missed it..

 

What has this woman ever done to you exactly, that would make you want to "let her have it"?

 

Correct me if I am wrong but was it not you that was seeing her husband?

 

Look, I am OW myself, so I am not judging your affair, simply trying to point out that if there is anyone with a right to let anyone "have it" it would be the betrayed wife with the right to let both you and her WH have it.

 

I am assuming she has never done anything to hurt you, harrassed you, accosted or attacked you... basically, why are you angry with her? Be angry with the person who has earned your anger, the man who treated you poorly and hurt you.

 

If you spend your time being angry with her, and blaming her then you will never get round to the fact that HE is the one who CHOSE to stay with her. That is a choice he has made.

 

Anyway.. sorry for the t/j.

 

Carry on.

[Billie]

Hi FA,

 

Yup, I totally see your point, the situation is tricky and no I do not want to hurt his wife anymore than I have already. I feel very sorry for her and I guess I was paraphrasing my story slightly.

 

I will explain: There is someone else involved, - the wife's best friend. She has contacted me in the past - she found out months ago about the affair. But did not say anything. I guess when I said I would not say anything unless provoked, I really meant unless the wives best friend provokes me. - the reason for that is becasue the 'best friend' who is currently comforting his wife also had an affair with this man. She is a hypocrite. - If she provoked me, I would let her have it and she is lower than any of us.

 

Hope that clears it up.

 

I feel sorry for his wife, her husband has cheated on her several times, he has told her he wants to make their marriage work yet he is still seeking me out and to make matters worse she is confiding in her best friend who unbeknownst to her had a 2 year long affair with her husband.

I am just telling myself “He says he loves his wife and this is how he treats her! –“ I am out of it now, I got a lucky escape.

 

I would love to tell her, not to cause her pain but becasue I feel she has the right to know. This however, is not my descion - and I will not take it into my hands

[Hazyhead]

Aside from the fact that his wife has never done anything to hurt you to warrant you forcing the pain upon her, I think that pursuing this in any way will only hurt you too. You will benefit much more, and heal much quicker if you contact him and tell him you do not wish to be a part of his game and he should contact you no further like this, and move on.