leftfield Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I've managed to go a week without speaking to her after the disastrous weekend in which I subjected myself to sheer torture (my "confessions" dealt with that http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243817/). I did speak to her on the phone briefly last Monday, but that was a complete accident, I fumbled the buttons and ended up speaking to her instead of my friend on the other line. I seem to be good at self-inflicted balls-ups. So one week down, do I feel any better? Yes and no. Last week I had to re-start the NC that I had begun prior to seeing my ex at the festival weekend. I think it has actually been harder this time round, having now seen her so confident, so composed and moving on with her life. I struggled to even get through my work last week. Every day was a constant struggle with this overbearing, deeply agonising melancholy. If you are currently in the cocoon of NC do not be tempted to break out of it. Starting again only becomes harder. Although I've had a really productive morning, and I've really pushed myself to work hard and concentrate, she's still there, holding sway over everything. I want this horrible feeling to stop, and I know so many people on this forum have exactly the same feeling - your heart being physically crushed. I miss her so much today. It feels like forever since I last saw her, because the girl I miss was not the one I spoke to last weekend. Even walking into my own kitchen this morning I felt so incredibly sad, remembering how I would pick her up and hug her for as long as I could hold her. I don't go into my kitchen much though, I've lost interest in food anyway. My best friend is married to her sister, which makes it really tough knowing that I can never completely shut her out of my life to save myself from further heartache. He invited me to his place for a beer tonight. I want to go, but I know that seeing him and her sister together will remind me of her, and the times the four of us spent together. I can't stand the thought that someone else will not only take my place with her, but at some point will no doubt also meet and spend time with my life-long best friend, the way I used to do when we hung out as couples. I don't for imagine for one minute that I will be 'replaced' as a friend, but I am now cast out of that happy quad forever, and that hurts too. I will feel better in another week's time, won't I? God, I hope so. Surely this wave of sadness must break at some point.
BigProc Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Congratulations on managing a week. I hope and think it will get easier for you. As you know i failed on Saturday night. I knew she was out saturday so i thought if she was drunk it might make her reply. I don't think i'm in a position to preach about what you should and shouldn't do. But please don't make my mistake. Was your ex that good? Or are you now putting her on a pedestal? I think i am doing that to some extent.
Author leftfield Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Congratulations on managing a week. I hope and think it will get easier for you. As you know i failed on Saturday night. I knew she was out saturday so i thought if she was drunk it might make her reply. I don't think i'm in a position to preach about what you should and shouldn't do. But please don't make my mistake. Was your ex that good? Or are you now putting her on a pedestal? I think i am doing that to some extent. Thanks. I was actually slightly disappointed earlier when I thought about the fact it's only been a week because it felt so long, such a hard slog, but it's milestone I suppose. Having said that, I think I'm definitely past the desire to make contact anyway, because I know what a massive bummer it is. So really it's just about the time it takes to overcome this melancholy and get back out there. Some days are better than others. In fact some hours are better than others. There probably is some degree of pedestal worship, I think that's pretty common isn't it. I don't suppose the shrine I made in the corner really helps either But she is/was/is(?) as intelligent, attractive, funny, sexy, blah blah as I could ever have wished for, and I loved/love her immensely, so I don't think I'm being overly sensitive in mourning the death of this relationship. It will just take time and hopefully someone pretty damn wonderful to come along and make me see the good side of relationships again. I hope I've learned something from this one as well, I'm sick and tired of heartache.
BigProc Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 No i don't think you will be being overly sensitive and i'm sure you loved her very much. But while i'm mourning the death of the relationship i automatically think of the good times and there were a lot. However when i really think hard there were a lot of flaws in the relationship and i lot of things that used to piss me off. I know i love her and i know i'd be back like a shot given the chance. But i wonder in my case and a lot of others if its to some extent you want what you can't have and also the grass is greener on the other side. How you keeping youself busy?
Author leftfield Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 No i don't think you will be being overly sensitive and i'm sure you loved her very much. But while i'm mourning the death of the relationship i automatically think of the good times and there were a lot. However when i really think hard there were a lot of flaws in the relationship and i lot of things that used to piss me off. I know i love her and i know i'd be back like a shot given the chance. But i wonder in my case and a lot of others if its to some extent you want what you can't have and also the grass is greener on the other side. How you keeping youself busy? You're not the first person to say that to me actually, a friend (actually an ex that I dumped ) also mentioned that she thinks I have a problem with rejection. I think she's right. I've had previous breakups where I've felt similarly upset, but previously I knew that I'd been acting like a dick and had actually destroyed what were initially good relationships (possibly deliberately) by testing them to breaking point. I've never cheated or anything like that, I'm just an argumentative sod, and I know I've been guilty of 'winning' an argument through sheer stubbornness and pig-headedness, which achieved nothing other than hurting the person I loved. Woo, go me! This time I don't think I did that. For a long time our relationship was absolutely fantastic. We'd talked about marriage and children and had plans for the future. I'd never done any of that before, never felt that level of commitment or desire for someone. The breakdown came initially because I had conflicted loyalties between my ex and a member of my family who she fell out with. I handled the situation badly at the time and she lost trust and faith in me. I sowed the seed of my own destruction with that, but it was a genuine mistake, not my usual BS, so maybe that's why this hurts more. Sorry, I appear to have gone completely off on one, I'm feeling quite reflective I suppose. In answer to your question, I'm keeping busy mostly by taking on as much work as possible, then procrastinating over it by spending hours on here or playing the guitar or hiding from the real world at my parents' house talking to my dad about football or Time Team (he loves it). They still live in the place I grew up in so I suppose I feel safe there. I went out over the weekend and got horrendously drunk, despite the fact I know it doesn't do my mind a lot of good. But actually I did have a good time, and although I thought about her, it was nice to spend time in the company of friends. I spent most of yesterday sleeping it off, which was nice I suppose. Sleep is a premium commodity for me at the moment. I've been trying to do a bit of exercise as well, but that went off the boil a little last week as I was particularly low and lacked motivation for anything. What have you been doing, any suggestions to occupy the mind? Anyone?
BigProc Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 You're not the first person to say that to me actually, a friend (actually an ex that I dumped ) also mentioned that she thinks I have a problem with rejection. I think she's right. I've had previous breakups where I've felt similarly upset, but previously I knew that I'd been acting like a dick and had actually destroyed what were initially good relationships (possibly deliberately) by testing them to breaking point. I've never cheated or anything like that, I'm just an argumentative sod, and I know I've been guilty of 'winning' an argument through sheer stubbornness and pig-headedness, which achieved nothing other than hurting the person I loved. Woo, go me! That paragraph of yours i'v just pasted is me in a nutshell. I'm extremely insecure, low self esteem and i cannot take rejection. When i say insecure i dont't mean accusing of cheating,not letting her see ger mates etc. No i don't for 1 second think she cheated. What i did do was test the relationship to the extreme. I would do my best to win an argument and have the last say. The only reason i think i did this was to test the strength of the relationship. I think i wanted constant re assurannce she loved me. In end it was one of the aspects that split us up. I also got rejected by someone when i was out recently. I wasn't even bothered about her but i hated the rejection. I'd love to play guitar. I tried a few years ago but gave up cos i found it too hard. I tend to go to gym a lot and i play quite a bit of football. I'm also kind of seeing someone but unfortunatly i dont't have the feelings i do for my ex.
Author leftfield Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) I'm a lot less insecure than I was when I was a bit younger, but there's still a bit of an issue there I think. Something that we both need to work by the sounds of it BP, it could be contributing to our apparent neediness, or as Don Ho would say "acting like a pussy". One of the most annoying things about this breakup is that I know I'm a better man now than the one she started going out with. Obviously there were some aspects of my personality (or at least its affect on our relationship) that caused her to want to break up with me, but when we got together I was a smoker (not any more), excessive drinker (not any more), had just come out of depression, and was unemployed (now self-employed). Not the greatest package in the world was it! However, I have been in a lot of debt recently (knock on effect from unemployment and starting up my own business), which probably put extra strain on the relationship because I think she can be quite money-orientated at times. She's by no means greedy or avaricious, but she likes nice things, probably something to do with her own insecurities I suppose. Seeing me in what must have looked like a bit of a financial dead end will not have been attractive. I don't believe this was an underlying cause of our breakup, but it won't have helped. Since we split up she's been going out (a lot by the sounds of it) and been buying new handbags, clothes, shoes etc. etc. I still owe her some money, which currently feel like a sword hanging over my head so I will clear that debt as soon as possible. She's spending money that she might have previously been spending on food for the fridge (she did eat at my place) on superficial trinkets. It probably makes her feel better, feel young and carefree again. She still is quite young I guess (26). It could have been her insecurity that made her bottle up the issues she had with me until the relationship collapsed. I couldn't do or say anything right in the last few months. About a month after we broke up she called me and finally laid it all on the table about how she'd been feeling. I sent a text later that day saying I was sorry for making her feel like that, and it was never my intention to hurt her. She sent this in reply: "I kept it to myself until it ate me up inside, I started hating myself and losing my confidence and I felt myself disappearing and becoming miserable. I never thought we'd split up, I always thought we'd just be together forever, but I was just getting worse and worse and I had to get out." We haven't talked about the relationship since. There's really no come back for that is there. The only "us" that has been mentioned was at the festival when I was feeling pretty low and insecure about being around her, and I reached out a bit of affection. All I said was: "How did we get to this situation, it feels like we barely have anything to talk about any more. We're like strangers." I tried to be a little jokey about it, but she took it as a personal dig at her (as I said, I can't do or say ANYTHING without that happening) and she didn't talk to me until the next day when she said I'd "really upset her for having a go at her". Yeah I'm such a c*nt for being disappointed that we went from everything to nothing in the space of a few months. Anyway, I'm going on again, but I need to get this out, whether anyone is listening or not. Edited September 6, 2010 by leftfield typo
BigProc Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Sometimes relationships start going through the motions. They come a bit like groundhog day. I think it happens with everyone.But instead of talking about it and trying to add that spark back to it, people just carry on. Then before you know it a bombshell get dropped. I'm unhappy, miserable, lost my confidence etc, then all of a sudden its too late. I'm sure you wasn't hurting her, making her less confident etc. I believe she may have found the relationship trudging through the motions and decided she wanted to try something new. I coukld be wrong though. But i don't think you should be too hard on yourself. On my part i did play a role in the break up (wasn't all my fault) due to my low self esttem and insecurity. I also suffer from depression. You got ya own buisness, working from home. You can play guitar (chicks will love that), It won't be long before you meet someone totake her place. You seem to have a lot more going for you than i do.
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