Dexter Morgan Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Unfortunately WalkingtheAbyss, you're not going to get many positive responses here even though your thread was titled " Trying to recover from Wife having an affair ". Too many posters here that want to take the hurt and anger from their own situation and dump it into yours . everyone posts based on their personal experiences. you think everyone should tell him to shower his wife with love and let her sort things out on her own time while she moves out and acts like a single woman? I am telling him what I think based on what worked well for me. Others will give the alternative view. if someone comes here looking for anything to validate any feelings of staying in the marriage no matter what the truth is....then whats to point in asking? they have already made up their minds, and in most cases made up their minds to remain a doormat.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 4. You could be right but then she states that we will see each other frequently. At the end of the day she'd be moving out any way so what do i have to loose? this was in response to her moving out anyway. what do you have to lose? your dignity and sanity. That and if she is preparing to get her life in order only to probably file for divorce anyway, then she'll be stockpiling money, expecting you to still help her out. get the divorce started. she is laying the groundwork to be single. 5. I know. I have told her this but alas, she seems to care not. then there is nothing more to say...she doesn't care that you are hurt and she is wanting her own place so she can spread her legs for the OM, or other guys. she wants to be single.....so make it happen and move on to a good woman, your so-called wife isn't one of them.
RobD70 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 She thinks that by moving out we can restart our relationship, build love and trust for each other again. I honestly think that shes been smoking something but hey, its worth a try. If all else fails at least she's out of the house already. She doesn't actually believe that, she's just telling you this to get you to agree with it. Affairs are like drugs and are difficult to end just like that. If she is not still in contact with him now she will be the day she moves out. You need to change your tactic with her and tell her you think her leaving is a great idea and you are looking forward to time alone or going our with friends. She won't be to thrilled once she thinks you no longer want her around and you might stray yourself. They never think of the consequences of their actions until it's too late. Considering what she did, you really need to look into getting a divorce. She broke your marriage and is no longer wife material. Besides, even is she wanted to work on the marriage (she doesn't care right now) you will harbor so much resentment that you'd end up wanting to dump her anyway.
fltc Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Considering what she did, you really need to look into getting a divorce. She broke your marriage and is no longer wife material I have never understood why some people think a marriage can exist w/o trust? It seems to me to be THE single most important part of any relationship between two people. RobD is correct, you will never be able to trust her again so there's no basis for a marriage, divorce her and find someone you can trust.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 First and foremost OP, I sympathize with you and your daughters' situation. Second, I recall my doormat/denial period back when I discovered my ex wife was having an affair. Like you, I wanted reconciliation - in hindsight because I feared loosing the reality and lifestyle I invested so much time & energy into. I'm not saying you and I are the same, but I will say this - I could cut through the denial surrounding you with several knives. A poster above asked you when you plan on getting angry. Please understand that until you get to that point, you are STILL in denial. ANGER (not frustration!) is the correct emotion to feel here, my friend. You need clarity so you can forge ahead... You wife willingly looked for this... She kissed this man, undressed for him, let him have her body - every inch - and she reciprocated. Yes, she gave him oral, and then some, yes she screamed his name, and guess what...? She enjoyed each and every minute of it. All of that took place. She didn't care about you or your daughter, or the impact her choices WILL have on your futures. That should piss you off, my friend; however, it's a process and if you aren't there yet, you'll arrive eventually. My point is you need clarity to proceed. And by proceed I mean unwinding the legality of your "marriage". Your marriage, as you knew it, is over - and that sucks; but it will be okay. By now you should be appreciating how little power you have over your wife's decisions. She is SHOWING you everything you need to see. Man up, talk to an attorney, file for divorce, have her served, and be cool about everything. She doesn't want you anymore, and you can't make her; so begin doing what must be done. You want reconcilliation? Then I suggest you sue her ass and demonstrate you mean business, for starters. If you file and serve her then YOU are the petitioner which means you can cancel your lawsuit when/if you're ready. If you see her start to shift after you SHOW her you're serious, then perhaps MC would make sense. At this point, you are a doormat. STOP IT. I guarantee you'll feel stronger once you grab this bull by the horns and do what needs to be done. I'm a nice guy myself, but you know what? There comes a time when you've got to push that nice guy act aside, kick some ass and take names... Now's that time. I wish you well.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Unfortunately WalkingtheAbyss, you're not going to get many positive responses here even though your thread was titled " Trying to recover from Wife having an affair ". Too many posters here that want to take the hurt and anger from their own situation and dump it into yours . I'm not hurt or angry but anyone can see through what OP's wife is doing. She wants to move out to explore a relationship with the OM and if that doesn't work out then and only then will she "think" about reconciling her marriage. Still, be careful because again she will only be thinking of herself and may not feel "in love" with you but there out of conveinence. I feel for you and your little girl and what you are going though. Watch your wife's actions while you are apart. I bet she will have no problem with you having your daughter as much as you want in order to free up her time. Definitely listen to ConflictedGuy27. He is spot on in that you need to and will get to the "Anger" stage of this and the fog will clear and you will be able to see exactly what your wife is doing.
Owl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I'm not hurt or angry but anyone can see through what OP's wife is doing. She wants to move out to explore a relationship with the OM and if that doesn't work out then and only then will she "think" about reconciling her marriage. Still, be careful because again she will only be thinking of herself and may not feel "in love" with you but there out of conveinence. I feel for you and your little girl and what you are going though. Watch your wife's actions while you are apart. I bet she will have no problem with you having your daughter as much as you want in order to free up her time. Definitely listen to ConflictedGuy27. He is spot on in that you need to and will get to the "Anger" stage of this and the fog will clear and you will be able to see exactly what your wife is doing. Agreed. My wife made the comment "Why can't I just go see if what OM and I have is real...if it's not, I'll come back to you!" back when she was still in the mix of it all. That's exactly what she was thinking...that "if it didn't work out with him" I would still be available to her. I made it clear I was either her choice, or I wasn't. If she went to see what she had with him...she'd be staying there because there'd be no coming back to me. It was one of the key factors that caused her not to go, and caused the affair to end.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Once she leaves the house... It's more or less over, you might as well file for divorce now. Because once she moves out, she's gonna play the field, no matter how you as her husband will feel about it. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then go see a lawyer and file with full custody in mind. Show her that divorce will be no damn picnic and you mean absolute business. that's the only thing Wayward Spouses understand.
Owl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Once she leaves the house... It's more or less over, you might as well file for divorce now. Because once she moves out, she's gonna play the field, no matter how you as her husband will feel about it. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then go see a lawyer and file with full custody in mind. Show her that divorce will be no damn picnic and you mean absolute business. that's the only thing Wayward Spouses understand. I totally and completely agree. The message should be: "I love you, but I will NOT be your doormat!".
GorillaTheater Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 I totally and completely agree. The message should be: "I love you, but I will NOT be your doormat!". Or in the alternative: "Sorry babe, but I'm not going to be ANYBODY'S Plan B."
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