Separation and ending it.

[Ash78]

The situation that I find myself in is that I am six week separated.

 

After the split I found out that there was another man. I get the impression that my wife is having a mid life crisis after the money issues that we are enduring and the death of her mother.

 

I have now arrived in a place where I am resonably, given the situation, comfortable. I can go in two directions give up and move on or wait for her to come back to me.

 

I am deeply in love with her and really want her back but while the other man is around I do not stand a chance is there anything I can do that will help to resolve the marriage. I have said that I will change in every way she wants, I have started councilling and have started to sort out the money and the business which caused the problems in the first place.

 

My wife is 51 the other man is in his early 50's I am 46 and our boys are 7 & 8.

 

For the first 3 weeks she would not talk to me, lately she says she "loves me but an not in love with you". I googled this and printed pages out which I posted to her. She then changed it to "I don't know how I feel."

 

I know she is an emotional wreck because of the things we have endured over the last 3 years but would be interested to hear your views.

Edited September 6, 2010 by Ash78

[habs53]

This is very similar to my situation. Her mom dies and she changes. Not sure if she has another person but you would have to suspect so.

Anyways in my honest opinion, our spouses are not coming back. They are gone.

Try your best to take care of yourself and your children. They are the ones that truly suffer for this.

Good luck to you and God bless.

[Fouts]

I agree with habs. Focus on your kids, they're what it's all about Ash, not your wife. You can't control what she wants to do, so let her make up her mind, finish her mid-life crisis and either come back or not. Don't put your life on hold for her.

[YellowShark]

After the split I found out that there was another man. I get the impression that my wife is having a mid life crisis after the money issues that we are enduring and the death of her mother.

 

Money issues and the death of her mother are not an excuse to have an affair. The affair is a totally different issue.

 

What she did is removed/stole emotion and passion that was to be exclusive to your marriage and gave it to another person. that damaged your marriage. The money issues she should have worked out with you, the death of her mother is an issue she should have worked out with family AND counseling.

 

I have now arrived in a place where I am resonably, given the situation, comfortable. I can go in two directions give up and move on or wait for her to come back to me.

 

I would recommend you move on and let her deal with the issues she needs to address before she begins to blame you for her issues.

 

I am deeply in love with her and really want her back but while the other man is around I do not stand a chance is there anything I can do that will help to resolve the marriage.

 

There is no way to repair the marriage when she is removing the passion/emotion from your marriage and giving it to another man.

 

I have said that I will change in every way she wants, I have started councilling and have started to sort out the money and the business which caused the problems in the first place.

 

Problems in your marriage are a 50-50 split. But she is 100% responsible for the affair, you are not responsible for the affair. She has compounded the problems in your marriage by ADDING an additional HUGE problem - her affair with another man.

 

I know she is an emotional wreck because of the things we have endured over the last 3 years but would be interested to hear your views.

 

I will say it again so that it sinks in. Problems in your marriage are a 50-50 split. But she is 100% responsible for the affair, you are not responsible for the affair. She has compounded the problems in your marriage by ADDING an additional HUGE problem - her affair with another man.

 

Best of luck.

[Ash78]

I agree with habs. Focus on your kids, they're what it's all about Ash, not your wife. You can't control what she wants to do, so let her make up her mind, finish her mid-life crisis and either come back or not. Don't put your life on hold for her.

 

I don't think I am going to hang on to her every breath. Today has been a good day so far and I think I have hit a milestone. I am comfortable with myself and have sorted out some of my finances. (We have massive debt)

 

She is not seeing that much of the guy because she has the kids and cannot get out also I think the age of our kids and his age will stop any serious relationship.

 

In the meantime I am going to get out and have a good time. For the first time in the six weeks I feel good about myself and where I am going despite wanting my wife back.

 

One good thing about being separatd is that I have no responsibility, she has the kids all week so I can please myself.

[habs53]

Im glad your having a good day. Its a roller coaster ride that goes up and down. Dont let her get the best of you. You did nothing wrong. Shame on her. As usual she will regret this. Its only a matter of time. You will be the happy one not her. Its already happening in my case. This will make you feel better.

[Ash78]

As usual she will regret this. Its only a matter of time. You will be the happy one not her. Its already happening in my case. This will make you feel better.

 

In what way?

 

In my case I think my wife will end up struggling to bring up my two boys on her own. I cannot see the other guy wanting the responsibility at 50+

[habs53]

Why would you not fight to get your kids? At least 50/50. They should not suffer because of her goof up.

[Ash78]

Why would you not fight to get your kids? At least 50/50. They should not suffer because of her goof up.

 

In Scotland the mother would always win the case I could spend a small fortune and not win and most probably loose.

 

Either way I still love her and want her back. I have managed to get the solicitors stood down for now.

[worlybear]

Don't be so sure that another guy won't take on your kids- my STBXH moved in with OW and her 9 yr old daughter and left our 8 yr old with me.

He has made himself a whole new family and has no contact with his real one.BE VERY CAREFUL!!! It doesn't matter if he has no kids himself he may still end up with yours!

[Ash78]

Don't be so sure that another guy won't take on your kids- my STBXH moved in with OW and her 9 yr old daughter and left our 8 yr old with me.

He has made himself a whole new family and has no contact with his real one.BE VERY CAREFUL!!! It doesn't matter if he has no kids himself he may still end up with yours!

 

I am going to be very careful I am trying to check him out at the moment. I have the name of his former partner and I am trying to track her down so I can find out more about him.

[w.e.]

I understand that there is a difference in law, but in culture? Should you not try to make arrangements with your wife to spend time with your children? or is it simply out of your hands?

[Ash78]

I understand that there is a difference in law, but in culture? Should you not try to make arrangements with your wife to spend time with your children? or is it simply out of your hands?

 

I don't understand how you got the impression that I cannot see my kids. I pick them up every Wednesday from school and have them until 7pm

I also have them one afternoon at the weekend

[w.e.]

In Scotland the mother would always win the case I could spend a small fortune and not win and most probably loose.

 

Either way I still love her and want her back. I have managed to get the solicitors stood down for now.

 

I guess i misinterpreted it, sorry.