hbtrh23 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 New to LS so please forgive me if terminology is a little off, etc. I have been the OW in a relationship for a little over a year. We had dated when we were younger, and he actually moved on to date the person who is his wife right after me. We began to talk again online while I was still married as well. It was within a couple of months of us starting to talk again that I left my husband. This was party due to reasons completely outside of him, but also because I had intense feelings towards him. He did a "trial separation" from his wife about the time I left my husband. This was never a true separation as he still spent the majority of his evenings at home, he just didn't sleep there. After several months of this, he decided he had to return home and give things a shot with his wife. I backed off and we still saw each other, but much more sporadically for about 4 months. At that time I started to show interest in someone else. He took this extremely hard, and started investing more time in me again, eventually saying he thought maybe he could leave his wife to be with me. I held onto this for a good six months. He continued to try to make efforts to move towards being with me but you could see that he just couldn't quite go through with it. Eventually he admitted to himself and me that he couldn't do it, based on the fact that he could not leave his kids. As much as he wanted to be with me, he couldn't shake his kids faith in him and couldn't break their hearts. We've tried to back off of things, but we keep going back to each other. I know at this point there is no future with him, but there is such a strong and amazing connection there, that I just don't know how to walk away from it all. It breaks my heart every day that I can't be with him in the way that I want to. I want it to be different so badly, but I know that I'm holding on for no reason. Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
desertIslandCactus Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Probably it will happen when you're good and fed up with the arrangement and want more for yourself. You left your marriage, isn't that enough reason for a renewed life. Try to read the other LS stories on Infidelity and OW/OM, that should help you to see your relationship for what it is/isn't.
Ellin Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I wish I could say something really clever to help you, but there's just no easy way out. You can try to cut him off, but you don't feel strong enough, so if you forced yourself you might end up going back. You could accept things the way they are, but you're one of those people (who are in majority I think) who want more with the person they love. You can carry on like that and hope that one day it will be easier for you to move on, and probably you will come to a point when - like desertIslandCactus wrote - you will feel that you've had enough and the pain of it is greater than the benefits, and then you'll move on. I think you should work towards distancing yourself from it by taking small steps. Build a life for yourself in which he isn't present. Live it to the full, as much as possible. Meet other people, do things you like. Every little while when you're focused on something else that makes you feel good is a success. Do not limit your happiness to this man. This is perhaps the only way forward. Wish you lots of strength and keep posting.
jwi71 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Cold Turkey NC is what I will suggest. Simply walk away...he clearly and unequivocally choose his M over you. Oh I know, he "stayed for the kids". So why can't he have an open M where he plays family with his W and be free to date others? Why, if he stays for the kids, must he "give you up"? I cannot understand why he doesn't simply tell the W "I'm only here for the kids, I don't love you and you are free to date others as I am". You know why he doesn't say that. Hold on to that. He isn't staying for the kids...he is staying so the W doesn't leave. Period. Remember that is HIS choice. Its what he values. Hold on to that, remember it, and draw painful strength and resolution to fuel your going forward. Now, I would delete his emails, txts, photos, vm's...everything. Then block EVERY mode of contact. Make so it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to contact you. You made a run...you TRIED. There is NOTHING more to be gained. No more poisonous ruinous hope to keep you mired in "what could have been". Cold turkey NC. When weak, post here, read the stories here, lean on your friends and family and clergy. Going back and breaking NC does only one thing: set you back. You CAN do this.
Ellin Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Cold Turkey NC is what I will suggest. Simply walk away...he clearly and unequivocally choose his M over you. Oh I know, he "stayed for the kids". So why can't he have an open M where he plays family with his W and be free to date others? Why, if he stays for the kids, must he "give you up"? I cannot understand why he doesn't simply tell the W "I'm only here for the kids, I don't love you and you are free to date others as I am". You know why he doesn't say that. Hold on to that. He isn't staying for the kids...he is staying so the W doesn't leave. Period. Remember that is HIS choice.. He can't have an open M, play family with W and date others because most likely the W wouldn't have it... But that doesn't mean he's not staying for the kids... Because if the W goes, the kids go.... Apart from weekend or maybe every other weekend... W and children are a sort of a package... Just stating the obvious.
1/2moon Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I think you should work towards distancing yourself from it by taking small steps. Build a life for yourself in which he isn't present. Live it to the full, as much as possible. Meet other people, do things you like. Every little while when you're focused on something else that makes you feel good is a success.. I think Ellin offers great advice in suggesting your build some distance around you with little steps. You have been through alot and there is a hurricane of emotions to sort through. Take some time only for you....you need to grieve this and heal. Your focus should be placed on nurturing yourself and if it becomes too much too deal with, seek some other assistance with IC. You have had some big life changes occur....be kind to you and don't pin all your happiness on this one man. Its hard to see that right now....with time, you will. Take good care of you.
Author hbtrh23 Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I am trying to slowly distance myself, which as I'm sure you are all aware is extremely hard. I forgot to add that we have this crazy notion of trying to maintain a friendship in all of this. We really feel like we just should be in each others lives, but have to face the fact that things have to change and can't remain the way that they currently are. I know that this is probably the hardest path possible out there. Things have been slowly evolving with us since he made his final decision to stay. Some days and I can handle this and some days it kills me.
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