rusty_griswald7 Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Ok this might be a bit long winded but please stay with it: Married Couple: 15years She is 38 He 41 (me) Sexually things are good. Always healthy and monogamous for all of it(*). This weekend we had a baby sitter so went out with a gang from her office. They are in their early to mid 20's. She has been acting peculiar for about 6 weeks now. Working out extra hard, very sexual, checking face book for some thing (I put a net spy program on our pc and she keeps checking on her frieds from work). During a nice supper we discussed things like my 'mid life' stuff and how she's going through this period of wanting to do things and checked off of my list. Things like doing a zip cord thing and weed. As you can imagine the conversation was pretty heavy. So she comes right out and says..."it would'nt bother me if you did something with another person, as long as I did'nt know. I think we have been together long enough to see beyond this." So I'll back up a bit. she knows I have bi fantasies, and she is basically saying if it's something you want to do go ahead. "I just dont want to know about it". I havent and really dont think I will, its not a desire I have to explore for real. Anyway, So naturally I am thinking what the hell is this...she was a semi-square prude for 14-15 years and now this? I asked her point blank, did you sleep with someone else? She replied no...but I sorta felt awkward. Should I press fro the truth? I am super suspicious. Should I just drop it? I really need help...I am turning to the anonymity of the net here but this is hard. My world just got flipped 2 hrs ago...
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Ok this might be a bit long winded but please stay with it: Married Couple: 15years She is 38 He 41 (me) Sexually things are good. Always healthy and monogamous for all of it(*). This weekend we had a baby sitter so went out with a gang from her office. They are in their early to mid 20's. She has been acting peculiar for about 6 weeks now. Working out extra hard, very sexual, checking face book for some thing (I put a net spy program on our pc and she keeps checking on her frieds from work). During a nice supper we discussed things like my 'mid life' stuff and how she's going through this period of wanting to do things and checked off of my list. Things like doing a zip cord thing and weed. As you can imagine the conversation was pretty heavy. So she comes right out and says..."it would'nt bother me if you did something with another person, as long as I did'nt know. I think we have been together long enough to see beyond this." So I'll back up a bit. she knows I have bi fantasies, and she is basically saying if it's something you want to do go ahead. "I just dont want to know about it". I havent and really dont think I will, its not a desire I have to explore for real. Anyway, So naturally I am thinking what the hell is this...she was a semi-square prude for 14-15 years and now this? I asked her point blank, did you sleep with someone else? She replied no...but I sorta felt awkward. Should I press fro the truth? I am super suspicious. Should I just drop it? I really need help...I am turning to the anonymity of the net here but this is hard. My world just got flipped 2 hrs ago... Well, you are pretty much saying that you think she did, and knowing that you know her inside and out I'll have to assume that her response was highly suspicious ??? I'd say, if you would leave her or something over it, then press it, if you are going to just go back to her anyway, then whats the point. You seem like a suspicious person, putting a spy app on the computer is very dubious to me and unethical. Following her around with her job outings seems weird too.. IDK it sucks wen the feelings of trust break down.. I can think of great ways to trick her into admitting it if true but I don't think I will since it seems inappropriate ..
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) hi thanks let me explain...I actually went to the office party with her, I didnt follow. and the spy app was after i saw some highly irregular history on our web browser. I was actually looking up a url for a site i was on two day prior and when i started counting the face book visits she made to a couple of her male work friends' pages i got creeped out. I know it was her by the times, and dates. Keep in mind, she 38 and befriending 25 year old guy. I wouldnt have said she was ok up until we talked this eve. Now I'm suspicious...which is not a great feeling. I feel sick. If you knew me you would be surprised...I am very trusting, I just got a weird feeling from her peculiar behaviour...very unlike her to do these things. Would I leave her...? Yeah, I am sure I would. I am not prepared to be in an open marriage and it's not where I am at in life now. Please share ... Edited September 6, 2010 by rusty_griswald7
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 hi thanks let me explain...I actually went to the office party with her, I didnt follow. and the spy app was after i saw some highly irregular history on our web browser. I was actually looking up a url for a site i was on two day prior and when i started counting the face book visits she made to a couple of her male work friends' pages i got creeped out. I know it was her by the times, and dates. Keep in mind, she 38 and befriending 25 year old guy. I wouldnt have said she was ok up until we talked this eve. Now I'm suspicious...which is not a great feeling. I feel sick. If you knew me you would be surprised...I am very trusting, I just got a weird feeling from her peculiar behaviour...very unlike her to do these things. Would I leave her...? Yeah, I am sure I would. I am not prepared to be in an open marriage and it's not where I am at in life now. Please share ... I guess it's a little late right now so I bet you will be flooded with answers in the morning and throughout the day tomorrow. IDK, dude, I feel your pain , I really really feel for you. I guess if you can't really go on without finding out.. you'll just have to take that road. You could try the ultimate bluff and tell her that you cheated on her with someone, see if she outs her thing or whatever, or you could just put a Spot locator in her car and so forth. What I would not do is pressure her about it just yet, allowing her to button up her alibi's .. PS> Friending young guys on FB isnt really that big of a deal ...
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 [Morning after] Yeah you are right. I gave it some thought and I think she might be regretting opening the pandoras box. I go away on business allot and it takes me all of over North America. I jokingly said what happens on the road stays on the road and she said "as long as I dont know about it...what harm could it do...'. Now 75% of the guys reading this are gonna say whoa cut me a deal like that buddy! However, its a two edged sword. While you are away the Mrs. is stepping out too. I dont think I want this.
hopesndreams Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Now 75% of the guys reading this are gonna say whoa cut me a deal like that buddy! Not on this forum.
hopesndreams Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 She is cheating or is about to. Your gut is telling you something isn't right, listen to it.
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Well considering the lack of responses:(...the last post must be the consensus?
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Could you define that for me?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Ignore the post above yours. Its a spam bot. Not supposed to make sense. "it would'nt bother me if you did something with another person, as long as I did'nt know. I think we have been together long enough to see beyond this." Given the attention to her appearance paired with this statement - she is already in the process of doing it herself. Cheaters tend to say this in order to assuage guilt. Give her the appearance of 'dropping the issue'. If you press for details of the truth, she will simply get better at hiding what she is doing. Keylog the computer. I guarantee you that within a week you'll find the evidence you need to confront.
Angel1111 Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I agree that you should listen to your instincts - something isn't right. I don't think she has cheated on you but I think she's considering it. She has no idea of what the consequences would be from making such a suggestion to you about sleeping around as long as she doesn't know about it. I admire you for not taking her up on this option but it would make me question my spouse's feelings for me. I think she's just being naive and has no idea of the reality of what she's saying. She was pretty young when the two of you married and she may be thinking that she missed out on something. I think the two of you need to have a serious talk. I don't get the impression that she wants out of the marriage but that she more or less wants a break from it. The problem is, relationships just don't work that way.
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Well considering the lack of responses:(...the last post must be the consensus? Well, you have to to take into consideration that people are like love cops on here, the world seems to be a more dangerous place because they see 'love crimes' day in and day out on these forums. Looking at her comment - This could infer so many things, her being playful, trying to look interesting, trying to say she wants a "free pass", a passing feeling, fantasy, etc. etc. ?? There is no way any of us can really determine what her intentions are/were, however usually 'they' do say if you suspect someone is cheating, "they probably are". You've painted quite a provocative picture here, her hanging out with young men and so forth, it's going to get our juices flowing just as it has for you. The killer bits of that comment was that it was stated in front everyone and in particular this " I think we have been together long enough to see beyond this.". If my wife said that in front of a bunch of young guys that she works with and so forth, it would certainly put me on edge a little as well. I think what the comment really says is that she knows you pretty well. I think she knows you wouldn't have the slightest interest in one-nighters with strangers, and she can say it with the utmost confidence knowing you'll never do it. It may also say that, she knows you wouldn't let it go if she did something and she is saying "if you scratch my back". Though, if this is the first time you've thought that she might be cheating, it's hard to assume it's that true "gut" thing people get when they suspect it, it's only a single comment. Perhaps it's indicating future cheating? But why would someone try to OK it before hand? I'd say, you can't beat yourself up over an isolated comment, you've painted a picture of an otherwise well adjusted person and healthy marriage. What I would do is try to put on a fresh pair of eyes on this relationship. Is the spark thing there, are you predictable, does she come to you first always when something happens, are you happy, is she happy, etc. etc. The next thing to do is read up on the emotional signs of cheating and keep an ear out for changes in her attitudes. Note, even if she's really being unusually nice to you, that could be a sign of cheating. Lastly, knowing what you've told me, if she ever starts really pressuring YOU about cheating on HER (try staying late somewhere or something), that would be a SUPER red flag, and I would probably immediately hire a PI or something with the assumption she is in fact cheating. Of course the alternative to all of this is "ignorance is bliss"..
30something Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Wait a second, you said that you were married for 15 years, right? Don't go hiring a PI or spying on her with computer programs, just talk to her. That may be all she needs! Do I think she's thinking about cheating, yes. This is going on the information you gave us. She may WANT to do it, but may never go through with it. If she's working out alot and trying to look better, that's about every woman I know my age. Women hit their mid 30's, have been married for more than a couple of years, pop out some kids, put on weight. Many of them want their "old self" back. The body, face, attitude. So we start working out. We want to be sexy. We read smutty novels, start watching porn, want new things in the bedroom, flirt (innocently). Sounds like she's trying to revive your relationship, but it also sounds like she's enjoying the idea or possibly the attentions from other men. Who knows if it will go anywhere. But before you continue "spying" on the women you've been in love with for 15 years, try talking about things with her. Don't openly come out and ask if she's interested in having an affair, but bring up something about your own relationship. Figure out a way to talk about life now that you are 15 years into it together. Life changes and people continue to change. The woman you married so long ago is changing. Marriage is a commitment, try to make it work (if that's what you want). You are or have probably changed as well. See if you can grow together. Use this situation as a step to keep the relationship strong. Good luck!
seibert253 Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 Here's what I think: Alot of red flags here. Hangin out with friends from work in there 20's. Spending time on other dudes FB pages. Not to mention the "exploration" talk. I'm thinking she broached this subject of "exploration" is because SHE'S the one who's interested in "exploring" someone else. She just wants to justify this by giving you the same opportunity. IMO I know some are against the "spying" concept. To me it's not spying, it's investigating. You have some info, now you need to check it out. The computer use is one thing. What's going on with her cellphone? Have you checked that? I agree with talking with her though. I think you should have a frank heart to heart with her about this. You may be able to clarify it without having to resort to alternative resources.
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Hi all Thanks for the frank views...It helped me greatly. As of today we had a very long discussion about Midlife crises and irrational behavior. I told her I understand if she has friends and I don't care how young/old they are. I did say however, that our long standing policy of always being a part of each other's social circle stands. I include her in my social circles, she knows everyone of my friends, women included (yeah I have those too LOL). Right now her social circle is growing exponentially, so things are sort of exciting for her but I dont know who is new now. Anyway, i am keeping a very close watch on her and her activities for the time being.
seibert253 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Hi all Thanks for the frank views...It helped me greatly. As of today we had a very long discussion about Midlife crises and irrational behavior. I told her I understand if she has friends and I don't care how young/old they are. I did say however, that our long standing policy of always being a part of each other's social circle stands. I include her in my social circles, she knows everyone of my friends, women included (yeah I have those too LOL). Right now her social circle is growing exponentially, so things are sort of exciting for her but I dont know who is new now. Anyway, i am keeping a very close watch on her and her activities for the time being. I like this, but I don't know if you went far enough. Did you discuss boundries? What is acceptable, and what is not? You need to make it crystal clear what is OK with you, and what you have problems with. It may be nothing, but you need to stay on top of this so it doesn't turn into something bad.
2sunny Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 have you point blank asked her if she has participated in inappropriate behavior with another man? if not, ask her!
JamesM Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 have you point blank asked her if she has participated in inappropriate behavior with another man? if not, ask her! He did ask of she had sex with someone, but that can be a negative even if she had everything but intercourse. And if she wants to have sex with someone, then for now it is a negative. OP, She thinks that if you do it, then she can do it. Or perhaps she has done it and wants you to be "even." What she wanted from you IMO is an affirmation that you will sleep with someone else. Then she can spring it on you that she wants to do the same...because she has someone in the wings. I don't think she has slept with anyone yet, but all that talk about YOUR midlife was for a reason. And while her work friends know the reason, it appears that you do not. This is not because we are a bunch of "love crime cops" but because we have seen it happen in a similar fashion over and over.
Author rusty_griswald7 Posted September 24, 2010 Author Posted September 24, 2010 Thanks folks. Allot of really good stuff here. I have tortured myself a bit too much about this. Anxiety is a bad thing for health and emotional well being. I have kept cool about everything, not really pushing the issue. The post above mentioned she wanted to know so it would justify her potential affair. What she actually said was she didnt want to know if i did anything. Her words were, "What I dont know wont hurt..." and "If I dont know then I dont have to deal with it...". Then I said jokingly "...so whats good for the goose is good for the gander right?" and her straight faced reply was "well it wouldn't be fair if you were the only one allowed to do it..."
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