lots of questions to closure of emotional affair

[gocubs]

Sorry...still a bumbling mess... just looking for answers...

 

Started EA Oct 2009. Man and I have lots in common, but mostly triathlon/sports. He is married (w/ 2 kids), I am married (w/ 3 kids). Our children go to same school. He/I work out at same gym, have some common friends and similar race circuit. Makes things sticky.

 

EA was never more than extensive email contact, an occassional work out together and/or discussion at race or gym. Emails platonic; never anything romantic or x-rated. However, there were A LOT of them, 900+ over the course of 9+ months. And while they weren't romantic, they were definitely very personal; what started as talk about a certain race, eventually evolved into family activities, school, travel, job, sports, business, life, etc. We discussed things freely and I felt I knew him well. I had often wondered what would happen if either of our spouses discovered our friendship, but, frankly, didn't think ahead to care enough b/c I was really falling for this guy and that feeling made me happy. (Big mistake.)

 

Fast forward to July, when he suddenly, and without explaination, stops writing (the big blow off) w/in days leading up to the biggest race of my life. However, his wife posted a few comments to my FB (Facebook acct) about how "we" (him and her) were watching my race results, etc. I had rarely heard from her at all up until that point. Still no word out of him, and while I definitely got that something has happened, I was still fully engaged in shock/sadness...and mad that he didn't address it with me. So the night before his biggest race of his life (this is now early Aug), I write him wishing him good luck. Part of me was trying to be the better person, as I really noticed his absence before my biggest race. Part of me was hoping to elicit some sort of response.

 

What I got was a "it's over" email. Not that I didn't expect for that to happen and not that I didn't appreciate at least that out of him, but the email stated how I only had feelings for him that were never reciprocated by him. Yet, no where in any email did it say or imply I had feelings for him...any more than his said he had feelings for me... Yet, suddenly he can tell me how I feel for him? 900 emails no reciprocation?

 

So what I am now is sad and angry. I grieve over the friend I had, and lost, but am MAD as hell he was such a jerk about it. (After 9 months, could you maybe have stated that a little more eloquently? Did I really do anything to deserve that?) I understand that all these EA threads say NC will help you get over it the fastest. I haven't heard or replied in over 4 weeks now and it still hurts. I feel like I would feel so much better if I could write him and ask him how he can say I had feelings for him -- and then be such a jerk about denying "any reciprocation" from him. I hate hs attempt at hanging me w/ all of it. I am just MAD about it all. Why would he have done that? (He denied any spousal involvement or discovery of this, though I am tempted to question that.)

 

Will the anger go away? I hate that it's over, I hate that it ended this way and I hate missing him. I think of him all the time and that sucks. I guess I just feel like I would have closure if I defended myself and not let him think he is getting away w/ making me the bad person in this. Or would writing him be viloating every NC rule there is and/or not really effect him anyway??

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes writing him is violating the NC rule.

 

I am sorry that he was the one to end it .. and that he could not do it gracefully.. as he seems to be a cad on top of it all. And possibly he is showing all communications to his W.

 

Hopefully you no longer frequent the same gym.

 

Silence is by far the best in this. There is Nothing you can say that even he hasn't thought himself - even the 900 emails in 9 months.

 

Try to turn your extra energy for your life and M - that would be the best response you could come up with.

[blizzard]

I could honestly say I almost know you and your triguy. But the number of kids and same school district lead me to believe different. Here is a short version of what has happened to me...which might give you an insight of what could have happened in your situation.

 

Met up with an old friend online a year and half ago. We live 5hrs away from each other. We spent months catching up on old times and our current lives. My husband and I were going through a seperation. And this "triguy" told me he was on the verge of divorce. But, he said if she were to find out about me things would be "bad." I assumed from a financial standpoint. Long story short. We became "romantically" involved EA/PA 9 months later. He told me that they had finally decided divorce was the answer and he was moving out. Fast forward. My stbx emailed his wife about our affair in May. Now I know what "bad" meant. He threw me under a bus with an email requesting NC. That he was reconciling with his wife. It was obvious she was looking over his shoulder when he wrote it. I called him days later. I deserved more than that after he has professed to love me and wanted to spend his life with me for the last year and a half. And the promises he made to me. Even including a life with my children. He ended it. I haven't spoke to him since. But I still miss him everyday. Or the person I thought he was. His online accounts have all been closed down. Although, his wife still has hers. I am sure they share now more than ever.

 

In July, I was told anonymously that he had been lying to another woman besides me that had his same interests(tri-stuff). And that they know each other from the gym (hence why I feel I know you). And that his wife would find out about her soon.

 

What I am getting at is that he could have been caught cheating with someone besides you. And he felt it was time to become a good boy. Laying low. Or his wife could have been given the heads up about another women he was emotionally involved with (you). That could be the cause for the sudden "shut-down." I am so sorry that he ended it the way he did with you...I am sure it was all about protecting himself. Continue to read threads on these sociopathic guys. It's about taking care of themselves. They lie to their spouses. They lie to you. And most will continue to betray after the dust has settled. It's an empty life. You have children. You want more for them I am sure. What if you would have met? And he became apart of your kids lives...and then cheated on you? You need to be emotionally strong for your kids. Watching, loving, experiencing every moment of them...not this guy. Guarantee he is doing just fine.

 

Please don't contact him. Look out for you and your family. You were fine before you met him...you will be fine now that he is gone. I am trying...

[Pink_orchid]

Sudden shut down (from the MM) is very common it seems, no matter how much they love you, or how many great weeks/months/years you have had, promises they've made, or how many e-mails they have sent. Not that knowing that helps you to deal with your hurt. But when I came on here it did help me a bit to see that it was such a common way to end it, and it helped me feel that I was not alone and I hope it might help you. Because it sure makes you feel stupid after daily contact, I know 'cos I had it happen to me. It was six weeks until I heard from him again and I've had some contact since then and sometimes I thought he was showing interest again, but he wasn't, well rather he blew hot and cold, and we are back to no contact. It's over, be strong and be comforted that you are not the only one this happened to - they are pigs aren't they - I had never heard the saying 'thrown under the bus' until I came here but it describes the scenerio and the feeling quite well unfortunately.

[gocubs]

Yes, Blizzard, it does sound like our worlds MIGHT be connected. Even if it isn't the same MM...we both have had a real loser on our hands. I read back thru some of your posts and, while our stories do sound like they could fit, I read where your MM had an older son? Mine does not -- only two young children (at least I THINK!!). But, darn, our stories are eerily similar and the timing is perfect. Hmmm...

 

And yes, Pink Orchid, it HAS helped to come on here. And, yes, thrown under the bus is a perfect term (and one of my friends used the exact phrase when describing this)! I am so glad I found this site. I am going thru a horrible stage right now; I miss him SO MUCH, yet and so very angry on how he ended it. And I don't so much miss the love/emotions (b/c I never heard those), but I miss his friendship. I miss him getting me more than any one person did. Sigh. Even if his BS was watching over his shoulder as he wrote it, as I suspect she was, did he really have to go right for the bone?? I wish I had answers. I know I never will get them, but finding some peace on here. Misery does love company, but it helps so much just knowing I wasn't the only one.

 

I am not a stupid person and just don't understand how I LET this happen. In the back of my mind, I *KNEW* it would never work out (long term), but I also never thought it would end as ugly as it did. (My own husband has since found out about all of this...so things have been very rough around here all the way around.)

 

So, thanks. It does help. I am sorry for all of your pain, but happy to know I am not alone.

[2sunny]

in a nutshell - his W noticed - and he got caught... so he's spending his time and energy trying to repair the connection at home.

 

he will most likely pop back up when the dust settles and he finds another more secretive way to communicate while she doesn't notice...

 

get a plan together - what are YOU going to do (or not do) when that time comes?

[gocubs]

Yes, 2Sunny, I have thought his wife probably noticed (eventho he said she hadn't. I think those two have a pretty thick scheme going on currently). IDK what I'll do, but you are right, he very well could pop up. As that seemed to be his method of operation before...I'd try to not reply/talk to him and then, all of a sudden (maybe a week or two later), out he'd come. I suspect their marriage has been on the rocks previously, so I wonder how many strikes he gets?

[2sunny]

Yes, 2Sunny, I have thought his wife probably noticed (eventho he said she hadn't. I think those two have a pretty thick scheme going on currently). IDK what I'll do, but you are right, he very well could pop up. As that seemed to be his method of operation before...I'd try to not reply/talk to him and then, all of a sudden (maybe a week or two later), out he'd come. I suspect their marriage has been on the rocks previously, so I wonder how many strikes he gets?[/QUOTE]

 

who cares? why care? he could get 1 million strikes if he's convincing enough.

 

get busy living... he's not caring how you feel or he wouldn't be acting this way - he is obviously no friend because friends don't act this way either.

 

his M is his priority. he's making that perfectly clear by not contacting you as he repairs the damage she noticed. let it go.

 

get bust paying attention to your life and your M and kids! it will help you be happier and move forward.

[blizzard]

He actually has a teen daughter and an older stepson whom he never really sees.

If he told you that his wife has a drinking a problem then that would be eerie!

 

Anger is good for you. I believe it helps one move on much faster. I wish I could get there.

 

Don't beat yourself up with blame. I am an educated woman as well. I also told myself that I was too smart to allow this to happen. But you have to understand these kind of men are thieves. They rob you. They pursue you. He told me that he respected honesty and sincereity. Even challenged the notion that I was lying about my marriage. He begged me to have faith and trust in him when I didn't. He stole those things from. It may take a lifetime to repair. It has nothing to do with intelligence. EA tug at your heart so much. The connection is like no other. But be thankful that your EA didn't turn into a PA as well. The combination of the two are heartwrenching. Learning someone's touch along with feeling them in your soul is excrutiating to lose.

 

I wouldn't worry about him contacting you. He won't. Mine hasn't...and it has been nearly 4months. He and I even had a long lost friendship prior to this. I catch myself falling into a pit at times telling myself that he just might come back. Someone here on LS said to set long term dates...telling yourself that you will contact him in 6mos...or etc. By the time that date rolls around you will be in a much better place and not so eager to do so. All psychological isn't it... ((hugs)) Try to stay busy. Create a new schedule for yourself. Maybe even a new email account so that you aren't reminded of him. I even stopped listening to music for solid month. Anything to lessen the loss. In my mind, he has died and I have grieved him.

With such a sudden loss, it's normal to feel that way.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like his W found the emails, the sh*t hit the fan, and he was made to write you the standard "I never had feelings for you/I love my W/I want to work on my marriage" email more than likely under his W's supervision in order to work on a reconciliation (that is often a requirement, along with NC to reconciliation as outlined by more than a few infidelity sites).

 

That would explain why he mentions feelings when there were none implied on your part: that could very well be his W reading between the lines and urging him to write that. When a spouse finds literally hundreds of emails like that, the only conclusion that they can come to is that there are feelings involved regardless of whether they are stated outright.

 

He might try to contact you, he might not. At either rate the best thing to do would be to not be available when and if he does. That is a situation better ended than continued.

[jwi71]

Color me confused.

 

This was an EA where you didn't love him (have feelings for) and ONLY traded platonic emails.

 

Wouldn't it be easier to simply ask your H on how to proceed with the loss of a platonic friend?