spiderowl Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I keep crossing paths with a guy I went out with as a friend a few times. We fell out because I felt he was discourteous at one point. He was, but looking back, it was probably the inevitable result of how I'd been treating him. Please let me know what you think. Background is that both of us had recently come out of relationships that had failed. We were both sad about exes that had rejected us and were hurt. I wasn't ready to fall in love with anyone and neither was he, hence the seeing each other as friends. However, he was (I felt) pursuing me - lots of texts, phone calls, invitations, offers to have me sleep over if I wanted to visit and have a drink. I didn't feel he was trying to get me drunk for nefarious purposes, just wanted me to be able to relax. Anyway, point is, I felt pursued and felt something might have developed with this guy if we got on well. I was, however, very wary and although I wouldn't class it as 'playing hard to get' was giving very little away in the way of affection or trust. I was keeping a mental distance and he commented that he found me 'hard to get to know'. Following the dispute, we both backed off and he pretty much cut me off (no texts, MSN, or calls unless there was a specific reason connected with our mutual friends). He threw himself into dating other women, still is doing but hasn't found anyone special yet. But, we cross paths and I feel he flirts and is interested. He tells me of his dates, for instance (he never seems happy with them and seems fed up of the dating treadmill). He comments on my appearance and usually takes the opportunity to sit close and touch at some point, maybe my hair or a pendant. I know I wasn't exactly welcoming of his attention before, but a bit cool. I was suspicious and wary and certainly not emotionally trusting. This can't have been nice for him. In a way, I think the dispute was the last straw as he had been attempting to get to know me. Also, I hadn't invited him to visit me for other reasons, whereas he had invited me to his place a few times. We have both moved on a bit since then. I have had a brief relationship where I did feel the guy was genuine and I could trust him. Meanwhile, this other guy who I saw in the past has been on endless dates and seems to be continuing the trend. I sense he's fed up of it though, well that's what he expressed to me. I do feel something for him, I always did like him just wasn't able to be myself with him before. Do you think there is any point trying to build bridges here and, if so, how?
Trovador Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I can identify a lot with the guy of your story... look, at risk of sounding shallow or cynical, I can tell you that is quite disheartening, to say the least, invest emotions, feelings, money, time, etc, on a person who gives us nothing or little back... and it's worse when she plays cold/hot or is sending mixed signals all the time... I'd like to know how your friend put up with that attitude for so long... Adults should talk without restrictions and put all the cards above the table... did you tell him that you were uncapable of opening yourself at that time? etc... My now ex acted in the same way... I didn't know she had just broken up a long relationship (4 years) and when I got tired of her attitude and pulled away, she started to chase me but in the end without wanting a commitment... it seemed she was using me just to get over her recent ex... anyway, I once told her that she had given so much love that she didn´t have any for me... that she was empty... her answer was to hang up, take a sleeping pill and a beer and sleep all the night away... next day she called me up the whole day and that was how our relationship started... we broke up due to unrelated reasons... What I intend to tell you is that either you want him or not... if you want him, go for it without doubts, games and overanalyzing... like him, you deserve a clean start and an equal opportunity to happiness... just don´t do it for this new guy or out of loneliness, boredom, etc... But you sound uncertain on your post, so I'd rather wait for a while... as we all know, love and chemistry can be forced, and as the girl of my story, even after a painful break up, love can be found again...
Author spiderowl Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Thanks, I appreciate your reply. Of course, you were interested in that particular girl and I was never really sure of his interest, though I've never felt pursued in this way before without there being a romantic interest of some sort. I do understand that it must have been disheartening for him to get such a mixed response, but in mitigation, he was playing flirting games and busy chatting to lots of women, when not trying to get me to meet up. I did make it clear I'd been hurt recently and so did he, so I thought we had a mutual understanding about that. Although he did seem to want to spend a lot of time with me, the whole thing was very confusing and I really didn't know where I stood. I have a sneaking suspicion this was deliberate. I don't think his confusing behaviour helped at all. Not sure what to do now. I was friendly when we last met, but he was being strange; friendly and personal one minute - complimenting me on my hair and stuff - and then pointedly ignoring me the next. I'm not stupid and I know this is a game. I've decided not to make an effort to build bridges as I don't like the uncertainty he seems to revel in. It's a pity because when he's being more his vulnerable self, he's sweet and good company. Seriously, I wish he'd cut the crap and stop playing at 'pick-up artist'. I don't know what's going on but it looks like backing out again is the only sensible option. Edited September 7, 2010 by spiderowl
Trovador Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I think that´s your best option, letting things to cool... and when in doubt the best is not to act... I guess it's obvious he is playing games, a little "revenge" I think... a little "spice" is good but I also hate it when people act as if they were teenagers... good luck!
Trovador Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Hey, I intended to ask you since my first post why did you post on the break up forum? Just curiosity... and sorry for my bad english...
D-Lish Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Not sure what to do now. I was friendly when we last met, but he was being strange; friendly and personal one minute - complimenting me on my hair and stuff - and then pointedly ignoring me the next. I'm not stupid and I know this is a game. I've decided not to make an effort to build bridges as I don't like the uncertainty he seems to revel in. It's a pity because when he's being more his vulnerable self, he's sweet and good company. Seriously, I wish he'd cut the crap and stop playing at 'pick-up artist'. I don't know what's going on but it looks like backing out again is the only sensible option. Just remember that you sort of rejected him the last time he made himself a little vulnerable to you. I can't imagine him being overly willing to go there again when it didn't turn out so great the last time. Besides, he has no clue how you are feeling or what you want.
Author spiderowl Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 (edited) Thanks to both for responding, you have been really helpful and confirmed what I suspected, that I messed up here too. I didn't reject him, well I suppose I was a bit aloof, but the dispute was over one aspect of his behaviour and I wasn't the only person who'd come up against this and found it difficult. I do appreciate that I wasn't very open with him before and that he would have found me pretty aloof and probably the whole experience frustrating. But his confusing behaviour made me wary and I couldn't really relax with him. He did try flirting and joking with sexual overtones and this might have been fun had we been dating, but we were seeing each other as friends (this was something he'd said from the start due to his recent break up) so I was confused and didn't feel I could respond in kind. I guess he doesn't know how I feel (and I'm not sure myself), but while he's doing this game thing he isn't going to find out either. I posted on this forum because I'm sure it mentioned 'reconciliation' as well as breaking up (or did I misread that?). Edited September 8, 2010 by spiderowl
D-Lish Posted September 8, 2010 Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks to both for responding, you have been really helpful and confirmed what I suspected, that I messed up here too. I didn't reject him, well I suppose I was a bit aloof, but the dispute was over one aspect of his behaviour and I wasn't the only person who'd come up against this and found it difficult. I do appreciate that I wasn't very open with him before and that he would have found me pretty aloof and probably the whole experience frustrating. But his confusing behaviour made me wary and I couldn't really relax with him. He did try flirting and joking with sexual overtones and this might have been fun had we been dating, but we were seeing each other as friends (this was something he'd said from the start due to his recent break up) so I was confused and didn't feel I could respond in kind. I guess he doesn't know how I feel (and I'm not sure myself), but while he's doing this game thing he isn't going to find out either. I posted on this forum because I'm sure it mentioned 'reconciliation' as well as breaking up (or did I misread that?). Well don't be pissed that people gave you some insight from where he is coming from. Perspective can help you. You didn't mess up, you just weren't in the right place at that time. He was ready, you weren't. You have to talk to him- lay it on the line and tell him how you feel.
Author spiderowl Posted September 9, 2010 Author Posted September 9, 2010 Thanks D-Lish. Actually, he wasn't ready at all, he just wanted to be friends. He didn't behave just like a friend though, hence my hesitation to respond as if it was more. I've slept on this and the more I think about it, the more I think I'm better off not trying to rescue this. This guy made me feel uncertain and confused. I know he's good company when in a good mood, but ... Just talking to a nice guy last night made me realise things don't always have to be so complicated.
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