Naive about a lacklustre breakup?

[Lemontang]

Well as some may have read I broke up with a girl earlier in the week by her calling and to be quite honest I was really fine with it.

 

Recaps here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243952/ & http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244200/

 

Now like all relationships that have run it's course I feel it's always good to go NC just to clear the air a bit on both sides and I made this quite clear to her that I felt it was best we didn't correspond for awhile, which she understood and agreed with...well so I thought.

 

On this occasion it seems I may have miss judged the situation from a quite straight forward breakup to in less than a week "He's deleted me from facebook why?" "he won't respond to my sms's" "he returned my gift" to "he hasn't tried to contact me why?" plus paying me out on her FB wall for all of the above (none of which I've seen only heard from friends). Right down to contacting 'all' of my friends she'd met and since added to FB this also included my manager who she befriended on FB having only met her once and trying to get me to contact her on really trivial work related stuff which I had long resolved and fixed for her months ago (she became a client of mine after we started dating), needless to say I had a few friends calling asking me WTF?.

 

I should also note that she does take medication for depression which at no time played any part in the relationship running it's course. She had her moments but I'm also very understanding in this field having one of my folks work with people that deal with mental disorders. But I fear this may have some weight on her sudden behavior.

 

So just wondering LS'ers how should one move forward on an issue such as this? I've been fairly kid gloves with her on this by not biting back and sticking to NC but I've clearly missed something here to what I thought was a fairly straight forward breakup.

 

LT

[Trovador]

I've read your threads buddy and somehow can emphatize with you... I don´t know if you call your recent relationship "overdating", meaning you were with a girl higher in status than you, but I recently had a relationship similar, and like yours, was briefly lived... you see, my ex, too much younger and very pretty, drove me around, paid dates (and other venues ha ha) and generally had more money than truly yours...

 

Yup, it was more of a whim on her part than love, or temporary insanity, but it had to end and fast, and it did... I think I should have thanked her for the relationship but it was good for both of us while lasted, so I think we were even...

 

Now, I think in your case you shouldn´t have gone NC. Why? Because we do it so we can heal and move on... something you (and myself in some degree) didn't need to do because you took it well, enjoyed it while it lasted and accepted gracefully its demise... I believe you should have stayed friends for a while, especially since you have stated that it was a mutual and sort of amicable break up...

 

I think that's the reason she is pissed off and she must see you like an ungrateful "man" (be free to substitute man for whatever pejorataive adjective you can come up) for giving her the cold shoulder... Look, in a certain way, both your girlfriend and mine were really nice (mine used to drive me home every weeknight and then drive to her house in the wee hours) so the least they expected from us was that bizarre behavior of cutting off all communication...

 

While I can't say what you should do I can say what I did, keep light contact for some days, because she didn't deserve my silence. In as much as the gifts, I didn't return them, that seems childish but I did throw them to the trashcan or give them away...

 

And finally, I think you are still in time to make some ammends, after all she wasn't a **** to you, was she?

[Lemontang]

Not sure about the 'overdating' part status as it played no real part. Professionally I'm pretty successful myself and I've dated all classes from drop dead gorgeous, to girls you could kick a field goal between their teeth (ok that sounds real bad I know, but it's inside that counts right?), to very well off people to college students struggling to put there fees for classes and books together. But yes she did tend to shower me with gifts which I read more as her trying to buy my affection when she already had it.

 

Yeah she's made it very clear that she's unhappy I returned it. Heck she gave me a Japanese Peace Lilly as well for a birthday present (was an inside joke as we're both fans of the movie Hot Fuzz) that I kept and was more than enough, the other gift was just over the top in it's execution of what it was and how I just wasn't comfortable using it, but felt herself or her circle of friends would be more likely to use it due to the industry they are in (4x4 racing).

 

As for my reasoning to go NC, that's something I've almost always done. Never out of spite but more so to clear the air and remove the awkward transition stage that can sometimes result in an off again on again relationship. I've been in those cycles before and they never end pretty. Even when the initial outlay is we'll just be friends. So NC for what ever reason has it's merits. As great as it would be to have one there's no magic switch where you can can go from lovers today to friends tomorrow, there's always an adjustment period. I'm just realistic instead of optimistic.

 

Since she's also a client I'd made it clear to my manager that it's all above board and we shouldn't have any issues and I can treat things no different to any other client. But by the nature of the FB message my manager received she clearly had some concerns on her state of mind. For the sake of mind or piece of it it may be wise in this scenario to maintain brief contact over a period of time but at a distance. She certainly wasn't a douchbag but it's interesting to see there other side of someone on certain things such as case in point.

[Trovador]

I have learnt that you can not apply the same principle of action to different reactions, meaning you can't go NC just for the hell of it, as I also have done... there are cases when the other party did her best to make you happy and even dreamt about having your babies, but as the song goes love is not enough... as in the example I used on my post... this girl is a succesful accountant and I am most of the artistic-creative type, there was no future at all for her! And well, the first days after the BU I went indifferent to her but she called me to remind me that we were through but that didn´t mean I had to be a prick... and she was right...

 

I don't want her back and if I could I'd go NC but sometimes you must be humble and show for once some respect to some people... as she said, "we broke up, but not because we didn´t try"...

 

And you will get pissed off at this, but somehow, in her mind anyway, she got even at you and prolly she doesn´t see her reactions worse than yours... but if you say there is nothing else to do I just expect you and I have learnt something here...

[Banker Chick]

I agree with Trovador. My ex and I broke up almost a month ago and while it was him that initiated the break up, I had sabotaged it almost from the get go because it wasn't working for me. So in some ways, you could almost say it was mutual. We've managed to stay on good terms and continue with limited contact. There was really no reason to go NC. I think it has been easier for us to slowly let go over time. I imagine eventually the contact will become less and less until one of meets someone else. Our relationship was for 10 months so it hasn't been so easy to just cut off the friendship, especially considering there was no cheating and no bitchy or pricky behavior.

[Lemontang]

Actually you guys were right. I figured since we didn't finish up on bad terms it would be a good move just to maintain contact at arms length. I've since emailed her about it just to say I'm happy to remain friends and thanking her for the time we spent etc... She responded positively. But I'll leave any further contact up to her as I'm happy to move on.

[Trovador]

Well done, man... sometimes one must stop burning his bridges and saying goodbye to people... rest sure knowing that she will have always a soft spot for you in her heart... thanks for sharing, bro...