clairvoyantdisease Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 My boyfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago and started a relationship with another girl like a week after that :/. I stopped talking to him about 2 months ago but I still think about him everyday. Today I saw he had all this love notes for his new girlfriend on MSN (and i know i shouln't have seen it) and it made me feel awful . I just want to know when will i ever stop thinking about him, missing him and feeling like this when I remember he's already happy with someone else... How long did it take you? What did you do to stop it?
LoveTruthChaos Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 It's been nearly 5 months. I still feel it. At the start, I thought I'd be fine. Now, it feels like it's going to be like this forever. I hope it's a stage. Despite that though, I feel great, as a person. I don't even think about him much. It's the betrayal that hurts so much.
Tryingtorebuild Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 There is no set time...sometimes it takes a month, some people I have seen it take a year before they really are ready to let it go. For me its almost two months and I am still hurting. I am glad that she is happy w/ someone else after all of the mistakes I made and how I hurt her, but god damn do I wish it was me there instead of him... The best thing you can do is stay away from his stuff, block him on facebook, msn, aim and other social networking tools of the breakup devil until the thought of him elsewhere does not bother you. There really is nothing to gain from learning about his new life, it will just constantly reopen healing wounds...
Author clairvoyantdisease Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 i know it's not the same for everybody, i just want to have an idea of how much does it commonly take xD. i know i will get over him at some point, but i'm afraid i'll feel this way for a long time. i think my mom's friend's been in love with his ex for years and that scares me a lot :S. and i've already blocked him, i saw those messages while loging in on my old account to see if i still had some emails, it was "an accident" if you can call it that way, but i feel like it ruined a part of the advance i was making. i also wonder if breaking the no contact thing is right, not now, i mean, someday, is it possible, does it work or make you feel bad all over again? i am also happy for him, deep inside me i think i couldn't have make him happy again if we stayed together at least for now, and i guess he has more things in common with this girl, but it still feels weird, like a punch in the stomach, and i don't know why i keep thinking about him and why i can't like anybody else o_O.
Tryingtorebuild Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 The fact that you even got to the point of willingly blocking the person and removing any sort of contact with them whether is direct or otherwise is a huge step. The progress is far from ruined, sure maybe a slight misstep but it sounds like you are far from rock bottom. You should be proud that you have gotten along as far as you have, it took me quite some time to stop being interested in her life, but honestly the night I de-friended/blocked her was probably one of the smartest things I ever did... As far as being afraid that you will never let him go, I think it is a natural part of a breakup. You feel like you lost the best possible choice for yourself, that is why you were there to begin with...but that will change over time as long as you allow it to...some people can never really let go, and sadly it can consume them. Try not to worry so much about when you will get over it, instead just look for ways to enjoy yourself now (hobbies,friends,etc) and eventually you may not find yourself even be counting how many days its been since you last spoke. The worst thing you can do is berate yourself for not meeting your own expectations, or not "dealing" with it like others would. The fact that you want to get over it is a huge step forward, even if you don't see it right now. In terms of breaking NC I would not do it until you are over any feelings you ever had for him. If you are looking to break NC before you are over him you will find yourself messaging said ex with expectations that may or may not be met, and that can be a huge kick back down the hole. Who knows, by the time you are over him you may not even want to contact him anymore anyway. Either way it sounds like you are doing a much better job than you are giving yourself credit for!
skydiveaddict Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 My boyfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago and started a relationship with another girl like a week after that :/. I stopped talking to him about 2 months ago but I still think about him everyday. Today I saw he had all this love notes for his new girlfriend on MSN (and i know i shouln't have seen it) and it made me feel awful . I just want to know when will i ever stop thinking about him, missing him and feeling like this when I remember he's already happy with someone else... How long did it take you? What did you do to stop it? It's been a year for me and I still haven't forgotten. I can tell you one thing for certain though; Keep looking on MSN and FB for him ``and you will NEVER forget him`
Author clairvoyantdisease Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 hey i'm not so sure if i made the right thing but i saw him a couple of days ago.. and.. it was good, we had a good time. i realized i still have feelings for him, but it doesn't hurt that bad now. i am trying to talk to him again because i realized i appreciate his friendship and i'm not sure how long will it take me to stop loving him, so i decided to just try not to care about what happened or about his new relationship and focus on me and at least save the friendship we used to have instead of just waiting until i don't love him anymore (because i'm not even sure if i ever will, even though there's a lot of chance, i know). whenever i start thinking about him i try to think instead that i have things to do for me right now and that i will meet someone i like eventually. the only thing that makes me doubt about this desition is the fact that i've found myself missing him a lot and i'm not sure if it is the result of talking to him again or it's just the fact that we didn't have any contact in the past two months. in your experience, does trying to keep the friendship works? did you start to feel bad again, or does it help on the process of moving on? i'm afraid i will want him back :S
Ajax Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 in your experience, does trying to keep the friendship works? did you start to feel bad again, or does it help on the process of moving on? i'm afraid i will want him back :S I've tried staying friends with a couple of my exes and it didn't work, and they were ones where the breakup was as mutual as it could have been. Things were just awkward and we eventually drifted apart. While breaking up with my most recent ex, who dumped me and it wasn't a mutual break, we discussed the possibility of being friends but I don't think it'll happen. I'm still in love with her, and I've decided that I can't settle for anything less than what we had. Seeing her with someone else would eat me up inside so I won't put myself through it. I can't say people should never be friends with their exes, but in your case you're not over him either. I think it would be more painful for you than good.
br0ken_w0lf Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I think a lot of it depends on time. Thankfully, I don't have a lot of exes to pick from for examples, but one ex I dated for 2 years (I ended it or rather caused her to end it) I hadn't kept in touch with at all (for probably a good 3-4 years). When my ex-wife left, my ex-gf contacted me to check in on me and now we see each other once in a while. It's nice but I don't think it can happen quickly after the end of a relationship; she was hurt, I felt guilty for a long time so it took a while to get to the point where it doesn't feel awkward at all. Most recently, I had largely been NC (we can call it extremely LC) with my ex-wife over a period of almost 3 years. I contacted her recently when I reached a point of forgiveness and where I no longer hurt about the actual breakup. We actually met up and, clairvoyantdisease, your post is very similar to how I felt. It was a nice meeting, I realized how much I missed having her in my life, but I do realize that I still have feelings for her. But it doesn't hurt at all anymore. I am trying to rebuild a friendship of some sort since, as I said, I do miss talking to her and it is strange not seeing/speaking with someone I shared so much with over 5 years. I'm still working on myself though and that is my focus. Whether it makes things worse for me or not, only time will tell, but so far I'm OK with contact, which is something I haven't been able to say in a long, long time... Will keep you posted I guess
dragonwave Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 In my experience and the experience I have seen of others, as long as you are STILL emotionally invested in your EX - your feelings are more than sisterly/brotherly love and their is attraction....you CANNOT be friends. Its that simple. We all need to remember our relationships with our EXs had two basic components 1) friendiship and 2) intimacy. Of course, its normal to miss this....but to try to regain friendship when you still have feelings.....you will remain stuck and not move forward. Whether consciously or subconsciously you will be hoping to reconcile. Having closure and forgiving is all healthy. But to try to "rebuild" or "maintain" a friendship when there are still feelings is a train wreck waiting to happen. Focus should be placed on what to learn from your experience.....focus should be on where do you want to be a year or two from now. And if you are honest with yourself and its to "move on" do you really think being friends and hanging out with your EX is going to help? Also, a limit test to knwo if you can truly be friends....can you sit there over a pizza and beer and here yoru EX gush about their new love or ask you for ideas for a birthday present or romantic get away. How about your EX suggests they know this great guy/girl to introduce you to who would just be perfect for you. If the thought of any of this makes you feel sucker-punched/kick in the nuts....you know that being friends is not appropriate for you. I am sure being freinds is great for the EX who did the dumping cause they are NOT emotionally invested as yourself. Wise up folks.
TisKris Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 In all honesty I think it just takes time. Some people say that sometimes seeing or dating another person will help you get over you ex, I agree that it will " help" but it won't be the cure. You need to take this time going forward to really focus on yourself despite how cliche that may sound it's all about building your self-esteem and no longer allowing your ex's actions or new life control you. I've been struggling with this myself over the last 3 months with my break-up and have my good days and my bad days. But at the end of the day you have to remind yourself there is someone better and more worthy of you out there. Also don't fall into the friends trap, I'm currently there right now and am being strung along horribly through it. There is still too much emotion and feeling there so your best bet is probably cut contact for a few months.
health Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I feel weird cause people say it takes a year and that's that! lol I have been broken up for almost years with my ex - I was on no contact for 1 year and 3 months - and just broke it recently. In a sense you can say I'm over it. I never checked her fb I did a few days ago and didn't really care at all. I think the no contact and scared to check facebook for fear of your feelings is kinda not good. My goal was to be able to come across her photos and really not give a care, which is where I am now. I just find the tricky part is finding a healthy new relationship - and NOT repeating the same patterns you did in the last one. It's whatever for me now - the important thing is to heal the anger and forgive - I've seen people angry at their exes for over ten years - and that just bites them in the end. Gotta be in empowering mind states most of the time.
Recommended Posts