NJL Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Wow, Im glad I found this site to get some advice from others going through this! First, here's some background: My Ex-fiance broke up with me 6 months ago. She decided she wasnt happy and that things had gone downhill. We do have an age difference (Im 33 and shes 47) and we also work together. After she broke up, she almost instantly was dating a man who was 53 that she met at church). At first I of course did everything wrong like trying to talk her into coming back, showing my sadness, pain and depression to her every chance I got, and calling her sometimes. The first month or two, she was very mean and dismissive toward me. As I backed off, however, she began calling me occasionally and even asked me for favors such as watching her puppy when she was away and borrowing money from me (which she paid back). We became more friendly, although I was doing most of the calling. We talked almost every day for a few minutes, just about random stuff. She is still seeing the new man, but comes to me with all of her problems. When I asked her about this, she said that they "were not at that point" and she wasnt comfortable going to him. Apparently he doesnt do anything around the house and they spend most of their time together going to dinner, movies and that type of thing. Despite this, more that one person has told me she has wanted him to ask her to marry him. Stupid me, I asked her and she became very angry and denied it, although I dont believe her. I have also been told that this new man puts his kids first, church second, and her third and that he probably isnt wanting to get married at this time. Our school year started a few weeks ago (we are both teachers), and we have seen much more of each other. We have talked more as well and have grown closer in some aspects. We talk every day at school and usually I call her in the evening and talk to her for a few minutes. Last Sunday night, she called me and was in tears, telling me she wasnt sure where she wanted to go in life and she felt like she was in limbo and lost and that she didnt know what God wanted her to do. I asked her if her feelings involved me and she said "I dont know". Then, a mutual friend talked to her privately and my ex told her that she didnt know what to do about me and her current boyfriend. Our friend told her she need to make up her mind because I cared for her, and she said "I know". She mentioned that she had already talked to her current boyfriend about it, though I dont know what exactly she meant by it. Yesterday, I called her and talked to her. We talked about her feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do and I ended up asking her point blank if she saw us getting back together in the future and she said "no" and that she was still with her current boyfriend. I took that as the end of it and was very strong, telling here that I didnt think it was fair that I was acting as her "friend" and helping her with all of her problems while another man was getting to do all the fun things in her life. She was apologetic about it and I told her that "things were going to be different", to which she replied, "I know" sadly and then we said goodbye. I later found out that she had her boyfriend over for dinner with her kids and then went with him to see a movie. So I thought this was the end of it, yet first thing this morning she called me (at about 9:30), and her first words were "Is it still ok for me to call you?" and I said yes. We ended up talking for an hour, with her again talking about her life and being confused as to where to go in her life. She didnt specifically mention me and her new boyfriend, but danced around it a lot. She also brought up some times in the past week where we laughed really hard and had fun. She was very soft spoken and almost sad, which is not like her. It is now evening and I havent heard from her again. I have already promised myself that I am not going to call her. From everything I read, this new guy is a rebound relationship (opposite of me, fast moving, happened immediately after break up), although they have been dating for 6 months, which seems long for a rebound. From what she's told others, there seems to be cracks forming in her current relationship, although she is still with him as of last night. I just dont know what to do at this point. She is supposed to be coming over tomorrow to bring her son and hang out. Her son is 15 and wants me to come back, which is also tough to deal with. Sorry for the long post. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I keep playing the "buddy" card and calling her and helping her with problems. Should I try the NC thing, although we work together so there will always be some contact? Thank you for taking the time for reading this and any advice will be great! Thanks again!
Thorgs Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Wow this is a tough situation and it must be very difficult. It sounds as if you are deep in the "friend zone". I am in a similar situation, except I dated one of my student's mothers. She is 37 and I am 28. I went complete NC with my ex for about 20 days and she broke it, then I started again and it's now been 33 days but I see her youngest daughter every day. The ex has tried contacting me just once over the summer, but I didn't pick up. The daughter tells me things I wish she hadn't, like what her mom is up to (and it turns out she was just "checking up on me when she tried contacting me). That is how I found out that when she left me it was really to go date some doctor. It's very tough. We have to wear our "game faces" even though we are dying inside to be back with them. I think the best thing for you to do is go low contact since you work with her. Use this time to better yourself and focus on you. You have mutual friends so it's bound to get back to her that you're doing well and living life and perhaps she will miss that. For me, I am NC with the ex and try to be the fun happy person with the daughter (who is going through a hard time with all of this). Again, we have similar, yet different situations. I hope the road will rise to meet us both.
Author NJL Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 Just wanted to share a few more quick pieces of info I forgot to say earlier. My ex is apparently not telling her current boyfriend anything about me, that we talk, that I help with her stuff, or anything like that. She also tells me NOTHING about her relationship and tries her best to not let me know where there relationship is at other than saying that they take it "day by day". She is basically keeping myself and her current relationship in the dark about each other. Like I said earlier, she comes to me with all of her problems and confides in me, telling her current relationship nothing about them. She obviously doesnt feel comfortable sharing this stuff with him. Is this a good sign or a bad sign? On one hand, I feel like she is trying to keep us both around because we are playing different roles in her life. On the other hand I feel like she is not sure if she made the right choice so until she decides she is trying to keep us both. How should I respond to this? Should I really try hard to play up the friend role or should I back completely off and let her see what life would be like without me? Thanks!
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