This Hurts Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I haven't really been involved with LS lately. I assume it means I'm not dwelling, which is good I guess? Class started a couple of weeks ago, I've been busy with that. Mostly study, study, study, smoke maybe a couple of times on the weekends, then repeat. However, this weekend was the last time I'm smoking for at least a few weeks to clear up and go look for a new job. Smoking has been what I've been mostly looking forward to since the breakup, so I'm not thrilled about quitting, but I genuinely do want to stop at least for a while not just for the job, but to clear my head, so I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I have been in pure NC for about a month now, which is, in my opinion, when the true, continuous recovery starts, without having setbacks from having small talk with the ex, or reading a message from them (without even replying), hearing about them, etc. I mentioned last time I posted a thread that my moods change weekly. However, shortly after that, my mood stopped changing and since then I have been contemplating whether I've hit a plateau or not. I think the reason for the sudden stability is the fact that I actually decided to go 100% NC, and haven't spoken or heard from her at all since so I feel kinda dull (or like the title says, like there's no purpose/nothing to look forward to) a lot of the time (unless I'm distracted). I really don't think I have any false hopes or anything for the most part, it feels like it's really over forever, so that might explain a lot. I feel as if she's a stranger to me now, like I don't even know her and that kinda screws around with my emotions; it makes me a little sad. Sometimes this feeling will try to convince me to contact her and just ask how she's been or what she's been doing, but I know this isn't wise, so I know not to do it, and I'm not planning on it. On the other hand, though, sometimes the fact that she feels like a stranger to me now actually scares me and makes me not want to contact her for fear of what she would say and how it would affect me. I'm also pretty sure she has a new boyfriend (no hints, I'm just assuming the worst), and I'm probably completely out of her head/heart now, so that also keeps me from contacting her, in fear of what she would say. It also makes me pretty sad :/ I guess I'm just slowly but surely, completely letting go... But I thought this would bring a positive feeling, and instead it's making me kinda sad. All of this put together seems pretty normal, and I feel like I've read about very similar situations on LS before, so I'm sure it's ordinary, but now I'm not really sure what to do and I guess I just want insight from others and maybe some advice. Am I doing okay or am I doing something wrong? Is what I'm going through normal? What comes next? Any comments? I mostly just feel like, "Okay, what now?" Also, I know this sounds like I've been down for quite a while now but actually for the most part I've been fine, since I've been entertained by the stuff going on. I just think I've been slowly letting go of any possibility of her contacting me, and subconsciously it's making me sad. One last thing I wanted to mention is that I'll be busy for a few days, maybe even almost a week and I'll be doing perfectly fine and then maybe after 7 days of that, it'll be time to just sit at home and relax, and that will make me feel down. I guess it's cause that's when I finally have time to think about things, but what should I do about that? Is it normal, should I just let it be and deal with it and slowly it'll upset me less and less and eventually go away? Or should I be doing something differently? I haven't been on in a while and I wanted to update and try to see where to go from here. Thank you and I hope everyone's been doing okay.
aeren944 Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I don't know, TH, but I completely understand the feeling. I felt that way for the past week or so, but I was sick and attributed it to that. Basically, I'm on pause or something, waiting for something to happen. The only thing for me is that I know there's some parts of me that I want to change, and that's the next thing to do... so that's what I took from the plateau feeling. I'm just going off my own experience... I actually haven't logged on until today, either. Posted another thread. So, I don't know if it's normal, but I know the feeling exactly. Just be careful for a bit... keep your eyes peeled. Don't let your guard down, and be ready to take that next leap toward the next hill...
AgeOfUninnocence Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I think you sound pretty okay to me. I'm also still dealing with the mood changing. Most of the time it's pretty good, sometimes I get a little sad, sometimes I get angry (which is great for working out) and sometimes I get a little crazy and try to come on here rather than terrorize my friends. :-P I don't think there's anything wrong with having a little down time either. Yes, it does get you thinking about what happened, but you can try to use that down time effectively. What do you want to do? What do you want to accomplish? You're in school, so you could be using that time to study, or work hard at an extracurricular thing going on. I'm sure you're not alone in feeling like your ex is a stranger. I feel that way too about my ex. It just makes you feel like, What happened? In a way though, I feel like you can use that to your advantage. Now that you're NC, you have no idea what's going on with your ex, so you can completely make up what you think is happening with an ex. If you feel like they're in a relationship, well, chances are it's not going to last forever, even though they feel it is. Everyone has rough spots in their relationships. My friend, who I thought was in such a great happy loving relationship texted me the other week and told me that she and her boyfriend went on a break because they were always fighting and not getting along, something she never told me. So you never can know what's going on between people. And congrats on trying to quit smoking! You could spend your time maybe working on an incentive thing? Accomplishing quitting is something you can really work towards and feel good about when you're through. Good luck!
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