cody19 Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I'm not really sure where to go from here. So I'm just going to give the details. My girlfriend and I had met around 2 years ago and been together since.. she is from holland so she went home for the summer like a week or two after we met and we just talked online mostly and on the phone and found out how alike we were. She didn't get accepted into a school there in Holland she wanted so she decided to come back here. In december she came and lived at my house with my parents and I for a month before classes started for her. That semester was my senior year so I was still home and she would come back on the weekend. That summer she stayed here, and we even took a vacation to holland for 2 weeks with her. That fall I went to a school 5 hours away and it sucked but we saw each other as much as we could. Idk how many times she drove over and I drove there. Then the next semester she transferred to the school I am at. and we had a blast. Uhm more info about us... we are a lot alike and both loved each other so much it was crazy... and we kinda knew we wanted to get married someday but we have a lot of school to go through so we knew it would have to wait and we should just enjoy ourselves. I don't want to bore too much, but she went home for the summer to be with her parents and about a week before she was supposed to come back she found out her parents applied to a school there and she got accepted, she really had no choice because its so much cheaper. So it looked like we would have a long distance relationship for at least 6 years.. but we wanted it to work and we were gonna try and I even started to look at schools I could go to there. well she started to think that breaking up would be the way to go but she agreed she wanted to try just she couldn't promise anything and she said if I went to a school there we could get a place together. Then she had an orientation week for her school and we wouldnt be able to talk for the week.. and of course i've been upset these last few weeks and up and down like crazy just trying to find a way to handle it.. but i decide ill be alright with not talking for the week. well then I had to move into the school we were at which sucks and we wanted to leave but everything there reminds me of her so I tried calling her on her birthday.. I had no way of leaving a message and i thought well if she cant talk she wont answer and if she can she will.. so i called multiple times for the last 2/3 days of the week.... well when we could finally talk on friday she told me she didn't think about me and that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. so im crushed. It's been a week now and im still destroyed by this.. I havnet done anything wrong.. just been in America basically.... so It's so hard to believe. and I talked to her over the weekend and of course i tried to persuade her and tell her why it was wrong... we decided not to talk until this friday so we did and of course I still try to give her things that make it apparent that we are so happy together and stuff. nothing works and she just gets annoyed with me... saturday we talk and its fine its more of a normal conversation but then my uncle who has been through a divorce tells me that if i think there is a chance i just need to walk away because otherwise ill just destroy it... so i tried to.. but like she says things in response that upset me and we basically get into an argument and i say things like how amazing I am and that it's a mistake and that she won't find someone who treats her as well as i did... but she just basically says she can... and when i say things like she will regret it she says things like... well i guess I'll regret it then... so then I leave and we are texting whether or not i am going to delete her on facebook and skype.. and its pretty much a .. well do you want me to, no what do you want... back and forth thing... then she said something like she was online so it seemed like she wanted to talk about it and i asked if she wanted me to talk to her and it became another what do you want thing... finally at one point she just said "just get on" we talked.. i still try to persuade her by not really trying to.. just saying how i feel and that i think she might still have something in her heart for me but she just doesnt notice it... and idk we get into a more normal conversation and end it... i feel more crappy because i asked her a few questions and hear things that make it more aparrent that she really has no feelings for me.. for instance she made out with someone who is 7 years older than her and she didnt feel bad about it... but at the same time she says things that confuse me because she says she wont date him because he's so much older... and she wants to talk to me like she wants to know whats going on... but she doesnt want me to say that i miss her... or say things in dutch like the versions of bye or good night... Basically im in a ****ty place.. i'm almost 20 so i know i have a life ahead of me but its so hard for me to imagine a life without her, she was just like me in so many ways, we were always happy when we were together... we both told each other how much we loved each other and how we didn't want to lose each other.. she was my best friend and who I hung out with and could talk to about anything.. now thats just all gone.. so when i talk to her its hard not to talk like she is still my best friend.... I don't know what to do. I still have a hard time beleiving she could just lose all love for me that fast.. maybe she did but i think its there somewhere.. but idk I'm starting to feel like I dont have a chance anymore for her to love me again... and at times i remember us and i think there is no way she can not love me again.... So she wants to talk and obviously im going to want to talk to her... we kind of agreed to just talk if we are both online at the same time and she would attempt to call me once a month... I dont WANT to move on from this girl.. i just want to sit here and wait for her to take me back... but i dont know how/if that will happen... or how long..... I mean is NC the way to go? because that would still be really hard for me... to go 100% NC.. i have troubles so far just doing it during the week. idk its only been a week but it feels like a lifetime and I feel like i've annoyed those who love me because i'm still not over it. I'm feeling pretty low and right now the only thing that could help is if she would take me back... even knowing that there is a chance.. especially a good chance could make things so much easier... i tried to tell her i could get used to not talking every day and being apart... but I just would be so happy if i knew some day we get back together. I'm not sure what else to say.. my mind is scrambled stilll My studies are tough now too because I have Chemistry, physics, and medical terminology. those were all classes she has h ad before so it was going to be good for me because she could help me figure things out.... thats the other thing... i literally believe i was a better person with her in my life... i went with her to study so i studied more. I have problems with things like that on my own i dont know what to do.
Trovador Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Maybe you have realized by now that most girls hate clingy, possessive, indecisive guys... and when they break up with us we insist on acting the very same traits that prompted them to take their decision so our behavior tells them that, yes, they did the right thing... And you are witness to the fact that your behavior hasn't accomplished anything... don't you think is time to change perspective? In any case, going NC is for you only, to suffer less than contacting her because, believe me, you are going to say foolish things and she will react with anger perpetuating this way the circle of pushing-pulling away until she won't take your calls anymore... I'd respect her wishes of being alone... it hurts less anyway...
Author cody19 Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 (edited) I'm getting better at leaving her alone and giving her, her space. But she says she wants to talk to me which just makes me confused. It makes me think that if I talk to her I have a shot at getting her back. I want her back more than anything. And one good thing is I can't really call her because she is in another country. But I just don't know if i should keep this LC or just up it to NC. I know I can see how NC is supposed to help me through this. I can also see that if she really does love me nothing I say can help. It just sucks because I do feel better when I talk to her. But at the same time I feel worse. I just don't want to seem clingy but in all 100% honesty I kind of am, ha, sadly and I just really have a lot of love for her. Thing is I put all of my heart into this and thats why it's so hard. It's been a week and I still can't think logically, my mind is back and forth all of the time.. I can't stand being at school, I only have one good friend who makes me feel better when we go get drunk or w/e... and as far as family my school is really far away from home and I don't get to see them. Man even talking about it can make me feel depressed, I feel like the only thing that could make me happy again is her. And I have enough sanity to realize that it may not be true. But I can't help it, it's the only thing I want. Other than the fact that she broke up with me, I have no reason to be mad at her or upset with her. I don't think she has changed, I personally think she is just making herself believe this so she doesn't have to go through the pain with being away from me. But I'm starting to think that is just me trying to hold on to hope. Either way it depresses the living hell out of me. As far as being clingy etc. confirming that they made the right decision, it may be that way. But I don't think that's why she broke up with me. She says it's just she doesn't feel the same. Which I don't understand. Even when we were a few hours away at different schools, she had more breakdowns than I did and I almost would get mad at her for being so upset.. but it was just because I was upset too. She always asked if it meant that I would break up with her and I always said no, just because I'm upset doesn't mean I want to break up with you, I love you. And I don't know. I feel like yeah what I'm doing is clingy and may make it worse... but I don't understand why she says she still wants to talk to me. Edited September 5, 2010 by cody19 add things
Trovador Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Hey, dude, I see myself on your pain, but it will get better by the day, believe me... Of course she wants to talk to you, they all do... I mean, dumpers don't have a day at the park either, and this I know it for a fact, both as a dumper and as a dumpee whose dumper confesses that she felt like **** But don't let her calls, text, mails or whatever contact she makes with you, blur your judgement and hide the truth: she doesn't want a relationship with you just now (the "just now" is just so we don´t feel absolutely crushed but take it with a grain of salt... better, don't take it at all!)... Relationships end all the time my friend, even the good ones, for a thousand motives, who are we to not live through the pain of breakups? Are we so special that nobody should fall out of love with us? But I know that nothing people say can make us feel better I also know that is our duty to fight for feeling better... if you really love that girl (and even if you don't) let her live her life... think less of her and concentrate in your well being, a step at a time, day after day... this might seem incongruous to you but, dude, enjoy these moments... this is what life is about... pure, raw, emotions, we are alive, man... let's keep it that way!
Author cody19 Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Really sorry if my posts make me sound like a wank, I'm at the school we went to going through really tough classes and this situation has put my brain to mush. I made the mistake of talking to her and asking her things... found out that she has already had sex with someone new that is 7 years older than she is. Although she doesn't think they will date. I told her i could deal with her wanting to be with other people physically because it's understandable with the distance I just don't want to lose her in the end. I asked if she could consider this a "break" and kind of do her own thing and then reconsider later and when she asked how long I said lets try a month, but don't stop at a month if it's not long enough... just in a month lets see how things are. So today is the first day of NC hopefully for a month and maybe LC for longer. I did break NC not too long after deciding this "break" thing because I emailed her to tell her that I expected her to contact me, and even if its a short "i'm still not sure" I don't know, the fact that she will call it a break gives me a little bit of hope in a way and makes me feel better now. But I'm afraid of letting myself get my hopes up too much and just being hurt again. Luckily for me I have a great cousin who is going to let me text/email her when I feel the need to email my ex so that way I can refrain from talking to her as well as possible. This is really hard for me and it's going to be tough. My hope is that I learn to live without her, I don't think I will get over her, I just hope that I can learn to live on my own and be ok with it again. But my one true hope is that she does change her mind. Is it a bad idea to want that?
Author cody19 Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Oh and I did take the step to delete her off of facebook and skype. Her email is simple so that is my biggest thing to stay away from now. I know the facebook was a good idea for now because I already have been tempted to look.. honestly I have but you can only look at so much. I've already been on her page and seen what the older guy she has now had sex with looks like which makes it worse for my head. I feel like I have a chance that she is just confused and wants to be with some new people for a while and I can handle that, I just want to be with her again.. preferebly soon but I believe that even if it were a year down the road and she changed her mind I'll still love her enough to take her back. I feel like I am open minded enough to let her see other people and be with other people, I understand our urges as humans. In fact in time I feel i could see other people, but i dont think it would ever be very serious. But with the idea that she doesn't want to be with me ever again is how it crushes me. I hope I'm not setting myself up for more heartbreak later.. but right now I feel like this will be an easier way to make it through instead of NC for who knows how long or talking to her... I feel the check in later on how things are is a good idea for me because I can use that as motivation to pull myself together so i don't seem to be so needy to her anymore and maybe she will like that. I dont know. This is my first true love and I've never been this heartbroken so It's been a hellof a time and this last week and a half has seemed like an eternity.
Trovador Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Harsh as it sounds, man, let her go... anyway, she will do her own thing even if you pine away for her all your life and I guess that is what she would like... She already slept with another man... what else do you want? That she marry and have kids? Wake up, bro! Let her go... look ahead at the road, that's your destiny not back with her...!
Caradavine Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 I don't think someone would tell you that she has made out with someone else or further (and didn't feel bad) unless she either wanted to hurt you or didn't care about your feelings/respect you. It sounds like she is not a catch, but that is hard to see right now. I completely understand. Just know that you are the only one thinking of her and hanging on. She most likely does not think of you. If you want to preserve your sanity, you will move on. Maybe you can go out with friends or put yourself out there. I know it does not sound appealing, but I've heard it helps. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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