What would you think...

[Elevation]

Hello everyone, please help, looking for your thoughts, I am female, single and the guy in question is married. This might be quite lengthy because it covers a fair time span (sorry in advance)...

 

He and I met 7 years ago in 2003 at a concert of our favourite rock group, mutual friends introduced us and we got on like a house on fire, instantly and there was a strong attraction, you know... one you can not explain, it is just there. He and I spoke all night, he told me he was married with one child and another on the way, he was flirty though... and we didn't want to say goodnight, but we did, we went our separate ways... I was disappointed to find out he was married but we said we'd keep in touch, don't know quite why, because I am not the sort to get involved with a married man, and his wife was expecting a baby and I respected that it would be wrong to 'go there' with him.

 

So we e-mailed each other for a bit, just friendly stuff (there's a fair distance between our respective cities so there was no meeting up) but it tailed off after a few months, I can't remember why it stopped, whether I didn't write to him or vice versa, but I guessed that the baby had been born and I thought (sadly) it was best that I leave this one alone. I thought he'd probably decided he'd better leave it too. I often thought about him though.

 

Fast forward to 2007 and our rock group that we love are doing a tour, and I see his name on a fan website and write to him to say hi, how are you. He and I begin communicating regularly over e-mail and it gets a little bit flirty. We then admit we really liked each other on the night we met in 2003. To cut a long story short we went very quickly into telling each other what we'd like to do to each other in bed and writing constantly for months, and arranging to meet up and stay in the same hotel in one of the cities our band are playing in on their UK tour.

 

The intervening months are very intense, e-mails all the time, very sexual and also fun, and writing about other stuff as well as the sex we are going to have, sending each other pics, having phone sex, dying to see each other etc!

 

The day comes when we are finally seeing each other in June 2008 and both of us can't wait. But he has a guilt attack during the day, which in turn gave me a guilt attack, and we didn't actually have the sex we'd been longing to have (although we kissed and stuff, and cuddled up together and talked right until we parted to go home the next day). I was pretty devastated that things didn't turn out the way I hoped. I was hoping I am sorry to say that he would want me as much as I wanted him, to be together long-term, I was in deep. But reality had kicked in for him he said, which is a good thing yes, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. When we parted we were both upset because we'd upset each other if that makes sense, and also we'd had a lovely time, and it was a bit of a mind f***, the whole situation really, for us both.

 

He then went on holiday with the wife and kids (pre-planned). When he came back, he had clearly decided to call time on it all as far as the thing with me was concerned and he told me all he could offer me was friendship. Quite a few emotionally charged e-mails were exchanged. He told me all the issues we'd have to deal with if we got together; his wife and his two young kids being devastated, the devastation of his mother, leaving his good job, never seeing his kids due to the distance - he was seriously thinking it over obviously and mentioned it would be best that he come to me to live if he were to do it - hence the worry over not seeing his kids, but the thing is, after all this thought, he then just ended it all, and went into complete denial of the whole thing? He said we could always be friends though? I said no, I love you! He went into complete no contact mode which I found very very hard. I tried and tried to talk to him (via e-mail and left him a phone message) but he wouldn't answer.

 

So since then I have never given up trying to contact him, until recently which I will come to in a minute...

I would e-mail him every two weeks or every month, telling him I missed him, telling him that I was sad, at the way things went, telling him I regretted saying no to his friendship but it was too hard because of my feelings. After I rejected his friendship he told me to F*k off! He said he felt nothing for me never had? But I still kept writing. I didn't believe it and I still don't that he doesn't care. I think he is as attracted to me as I am to him but he just panicked and ran away. Sometimes I would get a brief reply, sometimes not, they were really quite terse though his e-mails. I sometimes texted him that I missed him and stuff too, he texted me back once saying it had all got ridiculous and he was not interested.

 

Actually things have gone wrong for him in the last two years in lots of ways, he's told me some of it, but he is still married anyway.

 

So we come to this summer... and months had gone by without me contacting him or hearing from him, and the 'anniversary' if you like came around of the day we spent together which made me a bit nostalgic, because it was a great day, we both said so, and I thought how could it result in this nothingness. How could he just cut me off afterwards, after our friendship, and our lovely time together, we were seen together with our mutual friends, it's not as if he wanted to hide it all from them. So how could he not care about my hurt and my sadness and act as if I didn't exist and act as if nothing had ever happened between us? The guy was obsessed with me at one point. It really got me mad this one night (a couple of months back). So, I wrote him a scathing e-mail and told him exactly how much he'd hurt me, how disappointed I was with him, and the way he had handled everything, in fact I said I was disgusted at him and I hope I never see him again, people thought he was so nice (they do) and actually he wasn't. Etc etc. You get the picture. I thought well there's no chance of anything ever happening, (with us) not even a friendship so what do I have to lose by giving him a bollocking. I had given up basically after much sadness and thinking he was my soulmate - yes really, it was that intense.

 

Well guess what, he's started writing again, first of all he said sorry that I still felt like that. And some general info about how his life had been full of crap lately but his wife and kids had kept him going. Now I was a bit cautious at first and said well sorry to hear all that bad stuff (I was) but oh well I meant what I said, see ya. He has written several more times, friendly e-mails, once he has even said something a bit flirty. He and I will be at the same event in a month. He said his wife will be there. It crossed my mind (well rather my friend's mind) that he was just trying to be nice to me so I 'behaved myself' there in the presence of his wife? But I don't think so, because last September he and I were both at a concert, he with his wife, me with a guy I was seeing, and we didn't speak, I didn't even go over to him. But just out of curiousity, I put this to him, that he was just trying to cover his back, and I called him some unpleasant names, and yet again, he writes back, saying he'd really like us to keep in touch, and he would hope that I wasn't too pissed with him, and he even went in a sulk that I called him names! I said I am not even bothered if we write to eachother or not. I was actually trying to 'end it' with a 'that should do it' e-mail, you know, a nasty one, but no, he writes back every time?! Trying to hang on. To what?

 

A couple of weeks ago I decided to tell him (e-mail) my take on things; that we really really had a connection, that wouldn't go away, and I wished he would face up to it, that he wasn't happy in his marriage, even though he'd gone back to make it work for two years since our 'affair' it clearly wasn't working because he'd never really left me behind... and it was the strongest thing we'd both ever felt but due to all the obstacles, and his love for his kids, he was stuck. He didn't deny it... in fact he got kind of annoyed and said if you want to be friends and write fine, if not fine. He didn't deny anything I'd said about that I thought his marriage was effectively empty except for the kids. I said that we would never stay away from each other, we should do something about it or cut the contact altogether and walk away and that's what I was ready to do. Well he's still writing but not discussing THAT AFFAIR.??

 

I said after some thought, ok, let's try to be friends. I wrote him a nice purely friendly e-mail about our band and a mutual friend, just general stuff. Have had an equally nice friendly e-mail back, looking forward to the forthcoming concert in a month.

 

Sorry SORRY that this is so long. I'd really like someone else's take on this. I don't know what to do, or even what I want to do. I really meant it that I had given up on him, yet there seems to be something still there..!?

 

What's going on, how do I proceed? I have been THAT close to thinking that's it, get rid, and I have actually said to him I don't care what you do (I am lying... I do care) and he still writes?

[TinaniT]

There is no relationship here. He has told you that much. He didn't respond or contact for a long time. Every time you suggest more, he says no.

 

You obviously cannot be in contact with him without it holding you in to something that's not there, so I would never contact him again. You're causing yourself pain and trying to read into things to get what you hope for so much. It's just not good for you, or him.

 

Good luck.

[Tayla]

TinaniT said it well. May I ask why you would want to bring more sadness to others simply to explore your sense of an intense matter? You keep pulling him towards you without regards for his decision. Let him be, You are a classic case of wanting something that you cannot have in reality. Do you have any regard for marriages no matter what may be conveyed to you? AN intense flame may burn hotter but it goes out sooner, think of that. I cannot help thinking how selfish it is to place your needs before that of a family and a man who is clearly confused to even go down that road. Any hurt that is felt is that of your own, own your feelings and understand you are placing yourself there.

[Elevation]

Thank you both for your comments, I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

 

I do not wish to cause sadness to others. This man is e-mailing ME remember even though I have specifically told him I don't care whether we keep in touch or not. And he did all the running before. I take it you are married and a little offended by any women who get involved in any way with someone married. I can understand that but remember please that it's HIM too, it takes two to tango, I resent all the blame being pushed in my direction.

 

I am just trying to understand him and what he's thinking.

 

I do thank you once again for reading and replying to me.

[jj33]

Elevated WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

You are running after a married man who doesnt want what you want.

 

At some point you may share a night if his guilt subsides or if he gets really sloshed but its never going to be more than that.

 

You are obsessing and basically cyber stalking him.

 

You have built a fantasy around next to nothing. Sexual texts and emails do not a relatoinship make.

 

That is NOT a relationship. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Have you considered IC?

[Elevation]

Well thanks for the compliment, he may spend a night with you if he gets really sloshed, I don't think I would spend a night with anyone who was really sloshed, thanks very much, keep your bitchy comments to yourself if that's the best you can say.

 

And your situation is what, exactly, cheated wife?

[Silly_Girl]

Well thanks for the compliment, he may spend a night with you if he gets really sloshed, I don't think I would spend a night with anyone who was really sloshed, thanks very much, keep your bitchy comments to yourself if that's the best you can say.

 

And your situation is what, exactly, cheated wife?

 

Elevation, this is tough for you to take but, hey, no hurry. If he really wants you he'll still be around tomorrow, or next week right? So get comfy and read some posts by people who are in a similar position to you, it'll help you see why you're getting the responses you are. Responses you don't like.

 

All the best.

[Elevation]

HMM all gone quiet, think I hit the nail on the head, you're a bitter cheated wife and thought you'd direct some of your hatred of the woman who cheated with your man at me, right or wrong?

Now either have a realistic attempt at understanding my situation and say something objective or stay off my thread, thank you very much. I thought women were meant to be supportive of each other, not on here then, perhaps I am in the wrong place. I had read some other things on here and thought that I would bite the bullet and post mine, unfortunately perhaps I shouldn't have. I know this isn't a 'relationship' with this man, where did I call it that, I have made it quite clear I have not embellished it in any way, but nevertheless it is something I am trying to sort out for his sakes and mine and do the best I can and I am seeing him soon.

[BB07]

Elevated WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

You are running after a married man who doesnt want what you want.

 

At some point you may share a night if his guilt subsides or if he gets really sloshed but its never going to be more than that.

 

You are obsessing and basically cyber stalking him.

 

You have built a fantasy around next to nothing. Sexual texts and emails do not a relatoinship make.

 

That is NOT a relationship. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Have you considered IC?

 

 

I agree with JJ, and I read your post TWICE. My 1st thought was my gosh woman, you have resorted at times to stalking him.

 

Instead of getting so defensive Elevation, you really need to take this comments to heart and FYI, they are NOT made by betrayed spouses, so there is no ill intent in sight. The people who have responded are very kind, smart people who have a lot of knowledge and bad experiences under their belt.

 

Elevation you are chasing a fantasy, a man who is MARRIED who does not really want you, as he has clearly showed you many times. Look at his actions, not the words.

 

No one is trying to hurt you or be nasty, it's just calling a spade like a spade.

[Elevation]

Thank you silly girl (I like that, me too!). I will do, and I appreciate you writing.

[bentnotbroken]

HMM all gone quiet, think I hit the nail on the head, you're a bitter cheated wife and thought you'd direct some of your hatred of the woman who cheated with your man at me, right or wrong?

Now either have a realistic attempt at understanding my situation and say something objective or stay off my thread, thank you very much. I thought women were meant to be supportive of each other, not on here then, perhaps I am in the wrong place. I had read some other things on here and thought that I would bite the bullet and post mine, unfortunately perhaps I shouldn't have. I know this isn't a 'relationship' with this man, where did I call it that, I have made it quite clear I have not embellished it in any way, but nevertheless it is something I am trying to sort out for his sakes and mine and do the best I can and I am seeing him soon.

 

 

:lmao::lmao: You are joking right! :lmao::lmao:Supportive of what? There is no league of support you gender on here. Where have you been living? :lmao:Support you doing what? Chasing a man with a family who has basically told you to step off? :lmao:HMMMM Okay.

[Elevation]

Thank you kindly BB and for the others who took time to read my barmy long post, I know, I know, it sounds mad.

But if I was stalking him, i.e. as in unwanted contact from me, and then I lost my temper and said to him oh ok I have tried to sort this out, I give up... why is he now e-mailing me and being chatty and sending me jokes and stuff, I have had about 10 e-mails so far over the last month. I was just trying to understand what it was all about.

[lilbunny]

Elevation, I understand the urge to be defensive, but I can promise you it is misdirected in this case. You will get posters here who come along and damn you regardless, that isn't what is going on here.

 

When I first arrived I felt hurt by many posts, but I found that an awful lot of the ones that sting the most at the time are the ones with the soundest and most honest advice from people who have been in the situation, been through the hurt and often come out the other side. Support isn't always going to mean someone tells you that you are right or agrees, sometimes the harsh reality from someone emotionally detached with experience and hindsight on their side is the wake up that makes a difference. If you take it so personally and react so aggressively you might push away those genuine people who are offering you their insight.

 

You seem a very intense person. I can relate to that, certainly when I was younger. You have spent an awful lot of time thinking about what this might be like from afar and it is easy to let the imagination run wild when someone's flaws and faults are not in your every day life. Every time you email, be it angry, emotional or friendly that contact extends the situation, it feeds it. This guy probably did feel a connection intially, but it seems like he is unable or unwilling to move beyond the realms of cyber space.

 

If you stopped replying, stopped contacting him, deleted any contact details if you need to, do you think this guy is going to seek you out? How long are you going to put real life on hold to see if the emails ever turn into anything? You sound reasonably young, why pine your youth away on something which surely can't be enough for you?

[TinaniT]

. I take it you are married and a little offended by any women who get involved in any way with someone married..

 

Actually, I was an other woman and married woman who is now engaged to my married man. I was not judging that aspect of it, only the details you have given about what has transpired, your pursuit of him, and the response. I did not want to be harsh and was actually trying to put it as nicely as possible because I do believe you are hurting yourself most in this... but you will do well to read responses and not just assume they are opposed on basic moral grounds, not on the merits of your situation.

[BB07]

Thank you kindly BB and for the others who took time to read my barmy long post, I know, I know, it sounds mad.

But if I was stalking him, i.e. as in unwanted contact from me, and then I lost my temper and said to him oh ok I have tried to sort this out, I give up... why is he now e-mailing me and being chatty and sending me jokes and stuff, I have had about 10 e-mails so far over the last month. I was just trying to understand what it was all about.

 

Both of you have been playing a sort of cat and mouse game.

 

I think the reason that he sometimes engages in emailing and chatting with you is because it fulfills some need in him, maybe he is feeling down, had a bad day, the wife was bitchy, his ego needs stroking. Get this picture? It's not about him missing you or caring. I'm sorry if it sounds cruel, but you need to save yourself from further pain and stop this merry go round. I think you are misinterpreting his occasional contact with you as a signal that he cares about you but from what you've told us, he doesn't, his loyalties are elsewhere and they should be.

 

Please, please stop wasting time and effort on this guy, he is so not worth it and the chances that something good would come out of it, even if he did genially care about you are almost nil.

 

You deserve better than some half assed communication from a MM who has nothing to offer you.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, you've brought this on yourself. And, please, don't say you respected the fact he had a child and another one on the way. It obviously didn't matter as you pursued this man, and are STILL pursuing him when he is clearly telling you he can't offer you anything more than just friendship.

 

My suggestion is, end it and walk away from him forever. You love him and he is being selfish, wanting you to be there for him but not in the way you want him to be.

 

Grieve and let yourself heal, get over him so you can find a man who will love ONLY you. If you choose to have him in your life, your heart will never heal.

[Elevation]

Thank you all.

I actually think I should stop replying to him. I just would like to know why he's initiating contact again, I am a bit curious as to what's different now, when he rejected my attempts to contact him before, now he's contacting ME?

 

Oh well I need to get to bed. Thank you all. ALL points of view are welcome and I'll try not to react defensively, sorry for that, I wasn't hoping to hear one thing or another, it was just a little bit of a shock to be told I am a terrible person, I am actually quite kind and caring despite going into some dead end street as I did with this man by the looks of it, I didn't set out to hurt anyone.

[BB07]

I would proceed in ruining his life, his family's lives and your own life. After all, you are soulmates.

 

Now here you have a perfect example of a post that is just intended to piss you off and offers no helpful advice at all, it's most likely from someone who is resentful about past events in their own life.

 

We call them hit and runs, just ignore.

[Elevation]

Thanks BB. I thought as much. If I really had wanted to ruin anybody's lives I have his address, his home phone number, his mobile number, his e-mail address, his wife's e-mail address (all given by him - he initially used to write to me from the wife's e-mail before he had his own e-mail, and recently copied us both in on a joke, so she obviously still has the same one) and if I was some evil vindictive person I would surely have used one of these options to cause, well, trouble, I have seen it done, and I have done nothing, he obviously trusts me and I AM NOT just thinking hey let's ruin everybody's lives. Does it mean that I want to ruin anyone's life just because I met someone I really liked who was married? Thanks for the posts everyone.

Edited September 6, 2010 by Elevation

[Ellin]

Elevation, you must be very young, is that right?

[BB07]

Elevation said.....

Thank you all.

I actually think I should stop replying to him. I just would like to know why he's initiating contact again, I am a bit curious as to what's different now, when he rejected my attempts to contact him before, now he's contacting ME?

 

Elevation him contacting you doesn't mean that he cares, it is his way of getting something from you. Who isn't a lit bit needy at times? Who doesn't enjoy on some levels that someone really seems to care? But please take it for what it REALLY IS, it's about what he is getting from you, not that he cares about YOU.

 

Do stop replying to him, and move on in your life, don't waste another minute on this guy, he is a dead end. Get out there and find someone who is WORTH you and your time and who will really care about you and treat you like it.

 

Oh well I need to get to bed. Thank you all. ALL points of view are welcome and I'll try not to react defensively, sorry for that, I wasn't hoping to hear one thing or another, it was just a little bit of a shock to be told I am a terrible person, I am actually quite kind and caring despite going into some dead end street as I did with this man by the looks of it, I didn't set out to hurt anyone.

[jj33]

Elevation I must apologize my words were harsher than they needed to be. But you got good advice from others and I am glad you arent going to contact him anymore. And I was an OW btw.

[BB07]

You can ignore it all you want but that is the eventual outcome for those that dive into the folly of an affair with a married person. Read the other posts here and they all have the same themes. Guilt on the married partner's part and confusion and neediness on the other man/woman. Does anyone see a pattern here?

 

If it pisses her off enough to do the right thing then it's the best help she can get. It's about character and self-respect. But there is no character here, just bad karma that'll come back to haunt all those involved, even the innocent.

 

 

Hey you are preaching to the choir about nothing good will come out of it, but why not say what you said in this post instead of a smart a*$ one liner that automatically puts someone on the defensive?

 

Sometimes it's all in the delivery.

[BB07]

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. The only reason for someone to be defensive is if their conscience is not clear. I'm not going to get defensive myself because I've given her the best advice I have that can save her a lot of of useless pain and misery.

 

OH please.......no one HAS to be cruel to be kind. That BS!

 

There is a difference between tough love and being cruel.

 

The sarcasm was meant to provoke. It looks like I've succeeded.

 

If you are assuming your sarcasm had an effect on me, you are wrong. Looks like you don't know my story.

[BB07]

I don't know your story. I would assume it's the same as all the others with the names changed to protect the innocent.

 

And you're correct. My sarcasm had no effect on you. That's why you responded.

 

My last response, and I apologize for the threadjack.

 

It's clear to see, my first inclination about you and response to you was spot on.

 

You are only here to throw in a one line dig at someone. Enough said.