Contact

[Hazyhead]

Weirdly, after all those dreams I was having last week, xMM just contacted me. I haven't responded. I already knew he'd been living seperately from his wife since dday (six months ago) but that was all. He says he can't stop thinking about me and wants to talk. I dunno. I'm so jaded by it all that I could never go back to it even if I wanted to, which I don't. Far too stressful.

 

I still love him but he, or rather him turning his back on me, broke me. And I'm okay... sure still hurt but am okay. Talking to him would

just set me back. I honestly don't know what to do.

[Confused4Now]

Weirdly, after all those dreams I was having last week, xMM just contacted me. I haven't responded. I already knew he'd been living separately from his wife since dday (six months ago) but that was all. He says he can't stop thinking about me and wants to talk. I dunno. I'm so jaded by it all that I could never go back to it even if I wanted to, which I don't. Far too stressful.

 

I still love him but he, or rather him turning his back on me, broke me. And I'm okay... sure still hurt but am okay. Talking to him would

just set me back. I honestly don't know what to do.

Tell him to talk to you when he has Divorce papers in hand and things finalized. If indeed it was love...love will always find a way.

[Hazyhead]

Tell him to talk to you when he has Divorce papers in hand and things finalized. If indeed it was love...love will always find a way.

 

I'm wondering if that's why he wants to meet. Not that he'd be divorced so soon, but that maybe he's on his way to being.

[Silly_Girl]

Weirdly, after all those dreams I was having last week, xMM just contacted me. I haven't responded. I already knew he'd been living seperately from his wife since dday (six months ago) but that was all. He says he can't stop thinking about me and wants to talk. I dunno.

 

I'm so jaded by it all that I could never go back to it

 

even if I wanted to,

 

which I don't.

 

Far too stressful.

 

I still love him but he, or rather him turning his back on me, broke me. And I'm okay... sure still hurt but am okay.

 

Talking to him would just set me back.

 

I honestly don't know what to do.

 

It looks as though you know what to do....

 

Sending you big hugs. this must be so hard for you. Really tough.

[Hazyhead]

It looks as though you know what to do....

 

Sending you big hugs. this must be so hard for you. Really tough.

 

Thanks SG. I honestly don't know. Has too much happened?

 

I love him but the last line of your signature is exactly how I feel.

 

Hope you're ok this evening.

[lilbunny]

It looks as though you know what to do....

 

Sending you big hugs. this must be so hard for you. Really tough.

 

I'm with all of the above.

 

However, oh there always has to be one of those. If I was in your shoes, knowing my weaknesses as I do, I am pretty certain I would go against all reason and see him. I have already folded like a cheap pack of cards this week after the fighting talk.

 

Guess you need to weigh up if the risk of being knocked back to where you were worth it?

 

PS OK is good going in my book, I'd def take ok as a general feeling at the moment!!!

[Silly_Girl]

I'm with all of the above.

 

However, oh there always has to be one of those. If I was in your shoes, knowing my weaknesses as I do, I am pretty certain I would go against all reason and see him. I have already folded like a cheap pack of cards this week after the fighting talk.

 

Guess you need to weigh up if the risk of being knocked back to where you were worth it?

 

PS OK is good going in my book, I'd def take ok as a general feeling at the moment!!!

 

That's exactly what I thought but didn't feel I should type. As jj33 says... "Do as I say, not as I do :)"

[Elevation]

Hello everyone, I too am trying to work someone out, whom I haven't seen for two years, thought would never hear from him again, but he seems to want to regain contact. I hope they - these silly guys - have realised what they are missing when they make contact. I am somewhat stronger than I was, I was in a bad way when it all came to a halt, but you do get better, and I was in a BAD way believe me. Now I am wondering whether I want to be in contact with him at all, if he's still married (which he is). I can't quite believe that I have come this far, because once I would have jumped as high as the ceiling to hear from him, but tonight I've had an e-mail from him and not replied. I will reply at some point probably but it is not exciting any more... because he's not free, and it's wasting my time.

[BB07]

Ahhhhhh Hazy, I wish I could tell you with certainty what you should do, but I just don't know what I would do if in your shoes. It's such a tough call.

 

Do what is best for YOU.

 

Sending big hugs......and keep us updated.

[jj33]

Hazy I would follow your gut. If you think talking to him will set you back, then dont.

 

You now have his contact details if at any point you change your mind, you can contact him. The old oh he called I better call him back no longer applies.

 

Big hugs its a tough one. But hang back. See what you think in a few days.

[desertIslandCactus]

Hazy, I'm sorry to say - I would be curious to know what is on his mind, at this point.

 

You know it could go the opposite, and perhaps help you to finalize the way you are already feeling about him and the relationship.

 

If you decide to take the meeting, you could hold it at a place w a convenient exit.

[Summer Breeze]

Serious question... Why would you give the time of day to someone that shat upon you? Does someone that treated you with so little respect deserve a response?

 

Sorry, that was 2 questions.

 

The same reason a BS will decide to take back a WS. They love them and that love is worth trying to keep alive until they deem it isn't.

[White Flower]

Tell him to talk to you when he has Divorce papers in hand and things finalized. If indeed it was love...love will always find a way.

I'm with C4N on this one. Email him back and say, 'signed docs honey, then maybe we'll talk'.

 

Hugs sweetie.

[Summer Breeze]

Weirdly, after all those dreams I was having last week, xMM just contacted me. I haven't responded. I already knew he'd been living seperately from his wife since dday (six months ago) but that was all. He says he can't stop thinking about me and wants to talk. I dunno. I'm so jaded by it all that I could never go back to it even if I wanted to, which I don't. Far too stressful.

 

I still love him but he, or rather him turning his back on me, broke me. And I'm okay... sure still hurt but am okay. Talking to him would

just set me back. I honestly don't know what to do.

 

When my exMM contacts me I say 1 thing, scan and email proof you've filed for divorce and I'll speak to you. When he's not able to produce it I don't respond. Maybe one day he will be able to and we may find a way to move forward.

 

If I were you I would at least give him that opportunity. I don't believe in wanting someone and their love so badly and then turning away with no way forward. Set your boundaries and live by them. You've shown him with the NC that you can. If he's contacted you then set another boundary and he'll know you mean that. I know someone will come and say that's regressing the boundaries but I don't agree. You're giving him an option and he has the choice of how to react.

 

If there is anything in you that feels like you could work it out then don't turn your back on it completely. Let him know your terms and stick to them.

 

Good luck to you hun.

[desertIslandCactus]

Changing my vote Hazy. Wait until after divorce, before talking.

[Hazyhead]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies and advice. I've still not responded but I think I will be doing. NC has been maintained for six months and, if in that time he has separated properly from his wife and is pursuing divorce then I would like to hear what he has to say.

 

In a way, he has done me a favour. I was so clingy and desperate for him that I had forgotten myself, I'm ashamed to say. The turning point for me was when I found this place and you guys helped me to find my strength. Over these last months I've reverted to me again, the Hazy that used to be before being made even hazier by a married man. Truthfully, I bet we've both done some healing during the six months of NC and I quite like the fact that he has lived independently, as he has, for that time.

 

I have issues of my own to sort out, which will be my priority; namely, the wonderful man that has supported me and I have been trying to reconcile with... this message from xMM makes me realise I'm not over the affair yet, and not ready for anything heavy. I truly thought we could reconcile, but my feelings have surprised me and I don't want to let this person down. Again. So, before I respond to xMM I will settle things with current person. Whatever that might mean. I do not wish to be unfair to him though, and that is what I feel like I'm doing.

 

If this current issue feels like it's working for me, and him, I will not respond to xMM. There is no point. However, if, as I feel might be the case, my heart is too invested in xMM to be with someone else then I'll contact him and see what he has to say. I do know for certain that I will not engage him any further than the initial conversation until his divorce is through. He needs to sort that out as I need to sort myself out. Maybe, if everything becomes clear we could start again. No more putting myself second to his needs.

 

I think I'm going to get away for a few days. I have to work, so won't be able to go far, but will be able to stay with one of my best friends. Talking and reflecting away from the situation might help. Maybe at the weekend I'll know better.

 

I'm sorry to not have responded to individual posts, but you have all been so helpful, and there seems to be two main schools of thought, both of which I can understand.

 

Thank you guys. You're awesome.

[BB07]

Hazy.........big big hugs to you and I think you are doing the right thing. It's great that you can get away and talk with a friend and do all the "what if" scenario's.

 

Take care and have some fun with your friend.

[Silly_Girl]

Hazy, this all sounds positive. You're taking time to think it through, no knee-jerk reactions or sweeping statements. Obviously we'd all be concerned at the potential risk to your emotional health and welfare but it sounds as though you're acutely aware of how far you've come and where you can't possibly return to.

 

Good luck. I hope you find some peace in your decision-making and that whatever you choose to do brings you happiness and fulfilment. Hugs.

[silverplanets]

I can't really help with what to do other than to offer the only perspective I can based upon where I am - namely that 12 months+ NC is a wonderful place to be. Somewhere between 6 and 12 I stopped doing this to "get over" ixMW and instead started doing things FOR me ... and right at the moment, I just don't want to stop, cause I am so genuinly excited about the feeling of being "in" my life fully myself.

 

What I can say though is that I've seen you post some wonderfully thought out and centered posts recently which seems to shout out that your head is in a good place.

 

So, I think you should trust yourself - that whatever you decide to do it will be this new "centered" Hazy that does it and that you can trust this new Hazy to stay "in the moment" in whatever choice you make and review/change that choice/direction if you become uncomfortable.

 

Smile, stand firm, head up and confident and know that Hazy will stand up for Hazy's needs at each and every step of the way .. whichever direction you choose to step in.

 

be safe

Chris

[siuys]

Hazy, I read your posts with interest. I am officially on a 6-month break with MM so he can sort his life out. Nothing is clear and we don't know what will happen. We were supposed to be on NC, but he made contact after about 10 days of NC. We saw each other, then now back to NC until he 'updates' me. It's all very warped I know.

 

I am doing better emotionally than I ever thought I would, but still struggle everyday as I miss him, and wonder if we'll end up together. I guess I am curious how NC for 6 months has been for you? And your feelings towards him over the course of this 6 months?

 

All the best

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow, Hazy, you're stronger than I was.

 

Know your heart and listen to it always.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL

[Hazyhead]

Hi all.

 

Thank you for all your feedback and advice

 

So... I contacted him after he sent me messages via every medium. He told me that he can't move on from me. I told him how I still felt about him, but also that I was okay. He verified that he's been living alone and wanted to meet to talk. However, we didn't. The messages were fraught with emotion and stress because he doesn't sound too well. At the end of the day he sent me one more message to say that he couldn't inflict himself upon me as he was a mess.

 

At first I messaged him back telling him that if he needs help I would be there for him. He responded by telling me that he had so much work on right now (deadlines) and he's away next week for work but maybe we could see where we are after he gets back. The more I thought about it I realised that it's not just 'us' he's a mess over - he's also lost his full time contact with his baby and it seems that that is crucifying him right now. Plus, I can't bear the idea of going back to waiting on messages from him, when he didn't seem 100% sure. I sent another wishing him well and telling him that although I loved him I couldn't go through that again. I also requested NC so that I could heal.

 

I opened up to the lovely man that has been there for me through my troubles and explained that I don't think I'm ready for anything serious right now, and my reasons why. He understood, God love him, and we're still close.

 

Now, I do feel a sense of sadness again, but it's not half as profound. At this point in time, there is no happy relationship to be found between xMM and me... just a lot of trauma and stress. That and he's not yet divorced. That's too big a risk for me. If, in the future, we do find the right time and everything is in place, then maybe. But for now, I am happy on my own.

 

Thanks again to all of you for your support. Love you all.

[Hazyhead]

Hazy.........big big hugs to you and I think you are doing the right thing. It's great that you can get away and talk with a friend and do all the "what if" scenario's.

 

Take care and have some fun with your friend.

 

Isn't it. We went through every relationship ever, I think. You know, once you get started...

 

Thanks BB.

 

Hazy, this all sounds positive. You're taking time to think it through, no knee-jerk reactions or sweeping statements. Obviously we'd all be concerned at the potential risk to your emotional health and welfare but it sounds as though you're acutely aware of how far you've come and where you can't possibly return to.

 

Good luck. I hope you find some peace in your decision-making and that whatever you choose to do brings you happiness and fulfilment. Hugs.

 

Emotionally, I have had a setback. There was some boohooing last night and I did struggle to sleep. But, I feel I have made the right decision for me and this will hopefully help me heal. I think if I hadn't found out why he was contacting I would have lived to regret that, those old 'what ifs' again. You're right though, I couldn't possibly go back to that place. I'd rather get my ten cats right now, fix up some dark curtains and become Miss Havisham than go back there.

 

Thanks SG.

[Hazyhead]

I can't really help with what to do other than to offer the only perspective I can based upon where I am - namely that 12 months+ NC is a wonderful place to be. Somewhere between 6 and 12 I stopped doing this to "get over" ixMW and instead started doing things FOR me ... and right at the moment, I just don't want to stop, cause I am so genuinly excited about the feeling of being "in" my life fully myself.

 

What I can say though is that I've seen you post some wonderfully thought out and centered posts recently which seems to shout out that your head is in a good place.

 

So, I think you should trust yourself - that whatever you decide to do it will be this new "centered" Hazy that does it and that you can trust this new Hazy to stay "in the moment" in whatever choice you make and review/change that choice/direction if you become uncomfortable.

 

Smile, stand firm, head up and confident and know that Hazy will stand up for Hazy's needs at each and every step of the way .. whichever direction you choose to step in.

 

be safe

Chris

 

Hey Chris!

 

I thought we'd lost you after your 'scandalous' posting last week. I tried to PM you but received the big block. Glad to see you just got a slap on the wrists and you're back with us.

 

I do feel far more centered than six months ago. God, I was a frickin' mess! This time I actually feel that I'll be okay and will not die from the pain. I know I broke NC, and that has set me back some, but I still feel mostly on track. Hopefully I'll start to feel as you did and move from the effort to get over him to enjoy being me, whatever comes my way it will be for me and new memories to be made other than triggers for old ones.

 

And I'm still smilin'

 

Thanks Chris.

[Silly_Girl]

Hazy, you are a real Star.