Grieving - credit for time served?

[TimC-M8]

Hi, first post. I'd like to start by of thanking all of you for your posts. I don't have much of a 'support system,' so this site is especially helpful.

 

Been married 14 years. A little over two months ago I found out about my wife's emotional affair (facebook). Don't know if the EA was a symptom or a cause, or both, but she could not stop. After a month of effort - counseling, talking, etc. - we agreed to separate and eventually divorce.

 

Numerous divorce-threats, inexplicable anger the day after working things out, and a few "I never really loved yous" by her was enough. So I challenged her to make up her mind, stop stringing me along, and make it official. "You are the initiator, SO INITIATE IT!" I recall saying.

 

From then on (a month ago) the conversations switched from how-to-fix to how-to-end. We both hope we can end it amicably. Not easy, since I have a lot anger. But we have two young kids, so we must view things through that lens.

 

The problem is that we have little money and own a failing business together. Before I can move out (friend letting me use a bedroom 100 miles away) I need to liquidate this store. Right now I'm living at the store and home, mostly just showering at home. It's not easy...

 

My inaugural question is pretty simple, I think. Suppose I'm able to move in two months; that would make three months here at the store. Will my semi-frequent contact with my "wife" extend the grieving process, which is pretty rough right now, or will I be credited for the three months once I more fully separate? As with a jail sentence, do I get credit for time served?

 

Thanks

[You Go Girl]

My inaugural question is pretty simple, I think. Suppose I'm able to move in two months; that would make three months here at the store. Will my semi-frequent contact with my "wife" extend the grieving process, which is pretty rough right now, or will I be credited for the three months once I more fully separate? As with a jail sentence, do I get credit for time served?

 

Thanks

 

That's a roll of the dice, and dependent upon your particular personality. That you are asking this question instead of moaning and groaning says a lot; that you've come quite far in just a little time.

But I still think the answer to the question is no.

It was particularly difficult for me to leave the house and move to my cottage without water, and then without hot water. So I took cold showers all summer when I did get the water going.

I know what you are talking about!

When you have to go to the house, try to time it to avoid contact. It's your best bet. Even the house itself is a trigger to the depression.

You could get a gym membership. I considered it.

[willowthewisp]

I think the main factor in the grieving process is how the marriage ended. The two of you went to counselling, tried to resolve your issues and decided together to try and amicably end your marriage. A lot of the grieving will have been done during this time. In terms of contact with your stbx, well isn't that something you will have to deal with anyway if you have young children?

[habs53]

This all sounds to familiar. Pretty sad when she chose internet love over you.

[hopesndreams]

Hi, first post. I'd like to start by of thanking all of you for your posts. I don't have much of a 'support system,' so this site is especially helpful.

 

Been married 14 years. A little over two months ago I found out about my wife's emotional affair (facebook). Don't know if the EA was a symptom or a cause, or both, but she could not stop. After a month of effort - counseling, talking, etc. - we agreed to separate and eventually divorce.

 

Numerous divorce-threats, inexplicable anger the day after working things out, and a few "I never really loved yous" by her was enough. So I challenged her to make up her mind, stop stringing me along, and make it official. "You are the initiator, SO INITIATE IT!" I recall saying.

 

From then on (a month ago) the conversations switched from how-to-fix to how-to-end. We both hope we can end it amicably. Not easy, since I have a lot anger. But we have two young kids, so we must view things through that lens.

 

The problem is that we have little money and own a failing business together. Before I can move out (friend letting me use a bedroom 100 miles away) I need to liquidate this store. Right now I'm living at the store and home, mostly just showering at home. It's not easy...

 

My inaugural question is pretty simple, I think. Suppose I'm able to move in two months; that would make three months here at the store. Will my semi-frequent contact with my "wife" extend the grieving process, which is pretty rough right now, or will I be credited for the three months once I more fully separate? As with a jail sentence, do I get credit for time served?

 

Thanks

 

For me, the real grieving didn't happen until the final break. But, the pain would lessen over time, and noticeably too, once I no longer was part of his life. Dealing with the past hurts and having no more future hurts is most important.