shadowplay Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 (edited) It seems like in any given group of people, there's always one who doesn't like me, to the point of barely concealed hostility. I wouldn't care, except this person always ends up ruining my relations with others in the group. Often, they'll badmouth me to the rest of the group, and then the others turn against me. Friction in a group is awkward, so the other members will exclude me in order to keep things peaceful and appease the person who dislikes me. If there are some common traits these people share they tend to be more insecure, nasty and judgmental on average, not just in how they relate to me, but people in general. But it's like something about me especially pushes their buttons, and they go on this crusade to turn my friends/boyfriends against me. This dynamic has happened since my grade school days, and in all these years I haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing to trigger it. When I'm friends with a group of girls, there's always one in the group who starts hating me and trashes me behind my back. When I've had boyfriends, at least one of his friends or relatives (usually male) takes an active dislike to me and tries to get said boyfriend to dump me. I've tried everything in my quest to figure out the answer. I've tried asking the people who dislike me why, and they can never give me a real reason. The closest guess I have is that it has something to do with me being shy, a bit quiet, and hard to get to know. Yet I don't understand where the hostility comes from, because I'm so nice. I actively go out of my way to help others, I'm friendly, I show an interest, and it's not even put on. I've never betrayed a friend or done anything that could be construed as catty. I give people the benefit of the doubt, until they start making it obvious that they're going to be rude to me. I wish I could just ignore these nasty people, but they're like little weeds that end up choking my social networks. So how do I handle these people when they're friends with my friends or partners? It seems like nothing I do makes any difference. I've tried reaching out to them, but they're still hostile. Btw, none of this is in my imagination. After years of dealing with rejection, I've become an expert at detecting when somebody dislikes me, even if the signs are very subtle. I've never been wrong. Here's the usual pattern. I notice the signs until it reaches a boiling point where I can't stand it anymore. Finally, I confide in my closest friend in the group or my boyfriend that I'm frustrated and hurt because I feel like so and so dislikes me. Said friend/boyfriend seems oblivious to whatever I'm picking up and assures me nothing is wrong. Then the next thing I know person who dislikes me reveals their hatred to this person I'm close to, and ends up turning that person against me. It hurts, because my close friend/boyfriend goes from saying "don't be silly Shadow, of course they like you" to either verbally or non-verbally sending me the message that not only were you right that this person dislikes you but I'm going to dump you as a friend/girlfriend now because I don't want to ruin my relationship with this other person. Edited September 5, 2010 by shadowplay
Kamille Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 In any group, there are people I get along with and people who I don't really click with. It used to bother me. I used to believe everyone in a group had to like each other and that if someone in the group seemed to dislike me, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I used to think groups were like mobs. Hell knows, as kids, groups are like mobs. But as I get older, it's becoming easier for me to just accept that not everyone in a group has to like me for me to feel like I have the right to be part of that group. I think what might be happening in your case is that instead of enjoying the company of the people you do like - and who like you back-, you focus on the people who may appear to not like you. In short, you could simply be trying too hard, wasting good vibes and niceties on people who have done nothing to deserve your attention. If someone doesn't seem to like you, let them be. Focus on people who treat you with care and respect. Simple as that.
Author shadowplay Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 In any group, there are people I get along with and people who I don't really click with. It used to bother me. I used to believe everyone in a group had to like each other and that if someone in the group seemed to dislike me, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I used to think groups were like mobs. Hell knows, as kids, groups are like mobs. But as I get older, it's becoming easier for me to just accept that not everyone in a group has to like me for me to feel like I have the right to be part of that group. I think what might be happening in your case is that instead of enjoying the company of the people you do like - and who like you back-, you focus on the people who may appear to not like you. In short, you could simply be trying too hard, wasting good vibes and niceties on people who have done nothing to deserve your attention. If someone doesn't seem to like you, let them be. Focus on people who treat you with care and respect. Simple as that. This is what I want to do, but I'm so terrified that this bad seed will ruin my friendships with the others in the group. I mean it's happened every time.
melodymatters Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Well, the only thing you CAN do in a situation like this is refuse to give it, or them, any power. When I started dating that owner of a motorcycle compound, I was an attractive, professional, educated woman, whereas many of the girls who hung around were....not. They hated my GUTS, and I was so sweet to them butter wouldn't melt in my mouth. So, I befriended a few and accepted that the others would NEVER like me. I explained the dynamic to my then BF, and he pretty much agreed and said well f*ck them then. If your FRIENDS or BF's will throw you over that easily, they are sucky,crappy, weak minded losers anyway !
Feelin Frisky Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Welcome to the club, Shadow Play. You're not alone. This "social default" happens every day to hundreds of millions of people if not billions. No social convention exists to address real social development and most of what religion and/or law offers is repression and denial. We have an unsavory animal under-belly and no one wants to admit or address it. Passive aggression and toxic sub-cultures of character assassination reign outside of the thin veneer of civilization we observe around water coolers, in class rooms, in offices, on the gab lines and now on the computer. It's hard if not impossible to shield one's self from it. But doing what you're doing i.e., detaching yourself and viewing it as a dynamic is a step in gaining some leverage on how to steer clear of it more expeditiously. People will gossip and push themselves up by pushing others down--there's no complete escape if one has to work in the world. I empathize with you.
Author shadowplay Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 so what's the best approach with people like this? be friendly, or merely polite? try to chat with them, or not at all? it's awkward since they're friends with my friends. it's even more awkward when it's someone I'm living with who is friends with my friends.
threebyfate Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 This is what I want to do, but I'm so terrified that this bad seed will ruin my friendships with the others in the group. I mean it's happened every time.Forget the losers, shadow. People who are influenced by others, are so not worth the energy, time and emotion wasted. It's people who bother to get to know you at core and understand where you're coming from, that are worth your time.
Kamille Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 This is what I want to do, but I'm so terrified that this bad seed will ruin my friendships with the others in the group. I mean it's happened every time. It doesn't change who you are Shadow, and that you're a wonderful, intelligent, clever and, likely, a very loyal friend. You have nothing to prove to anyone, not even this group of people. It's cliché but true: as long as you love yourself, this person can't get you down. As for the rest of the crew, as Melody says: If your FRIENDS or BF's will throw you over that easily, they are sucky,crappy, weak minded losers anyway ! You are doing great though Shadow! It's so nice to hear that you're making friend. And, don't forget to give yourself the right to not like everyone. It's important to pick your friends properly!
Kamille Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 so what's the best approach with people like this? be friendly, or merely polite? try to chat with them, or not at all? it's awkward since they're friends with my friends. it's even more awkward when it's someone I'm living with who is friends with my friends. No-skin-off-my-back mildly friendly politeness. I find that if you let dislikers know their dislike doesn't affect you in the least, they tend to simmer down.
threebyfate Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Thinking about this a bit more and it appears to source back to allowing the external to define internal. Sure, we're all affected by our environments to some degree. But there's got to be a point where the walls come down for your own sanity and emotional health.
melodymatters Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I really hate to give this advice, but it works ! Use reversal methods, kinda like those sosuave, pick up guys use. Treat them politely, but a little bit patronizing, like they are likely wasting your time, but, what-ev-er. If these are the type of people you are dealing with, and you can't NOT deal with them, you need to gain the upper hand. Cooler than thou always works if you can pull it off......
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 It seems like in any given group of people, there's always one who doesn't like me, to the point of barely concealed hostility. I wouldn't care, except this person always ends up ruining my relations with others in the group. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt Honestly, this kind of thing can't be taught .. however, how do you conduct yourself within groups, do you make yourself the target by say isolating, acting "different", or just giving off an "abuse me" vibe? Do they see you as a threat or something ? Just work on being a nice person, that will really do wonders; don't be opinionated about everything, your opinion doesn't mean sh*t (neither does theirs). Be agreeable , try not to put people down for their stupid thoughts and opinions. Try to engage people sincerely, make good eye contact, put the women before the men, hos before bros.. lol Find ways to relate to them, even if you don't. Also let them talk, bad one-sided conversations are always perceived as "going well" for the talker. Lastly, have a no more than 15 min conversa and move on. You lose points after that time period.
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