need some insight

[tinybear5]

Here is the situtation..and and my now possibly ex bf have been together for almost 3 years. He is 23 and I am 22. Both college students. Just some backround info on him --he doesn't work, he attends school full time and comes from a fortunate backround. His father moved bac to his home country when he graduated hs. ..I however, come from a family of 8..and live at home. I woke close to 50 hrs a week and am about to start nursing school. About a month ago he left to go visist his father for a month...the whole time he has been away I felt as if he was ignoring me. He said it was just the time difference. Wuteever. Soo 2 days beforee he get back into town I text him "I think this relationship is over", expecting him to come running after me like allways. I always had the upperhand in the relationship..so it was a sudden role reversal. So now I'm devested. I go see him the morning he gets back...he is emotionless..hee says he feels confused about what's going on in his life, with everything..school..graduation coming up. I cried my eyes out and poured out my soul to him ..something he has never seen mee do so he took it as kind of a shock I guess...he couldn't eeven kiss me. He litterly says he feels deead inside. The next day theee same thjing..I show up at his door crying trying to get answers out of him. All he can say is that by doing this I'm maknin it worse..he doesn't want to end up resenting me . "Let it be" he said. " I love you, and I'll always love you"..." You wrent my first love but u were my most important one"....he said some other things basicly implying that he needs some time . I kept asking him if were finished and he couldn't give me a stright answer . I'll admit I have always been eextreamly selfish in the reelationship and took advantage of him ..he always said he thought hee loved mee more than I loved him.. I didn't know how much he meant to me until this.iv talked to a lot of adults..both men and women and they all said "give him space"..3 years isn't something to thro out lighty. So I promised him I'd do the first unselfish thing in the relationsip...I'd let him be for a while.I'd give him some time. No calls. No texts. ...well that lasted all of 2 days wheen I found out my grandmother died...he called me to make sure I was ok ...I ended up eamiling him a list I made of 88 things I failed to tell him ..and things iv done wrong that I relaize now"....I asked him if he wanted to read it and he said yes. Shortly after reading it his response was "wow"..."I'm speachless"..."Reading that just hurt so bad".....so I asked him if we should go back to not talking and he said "I think for now that would be best"......later that night I broke down and textd himee..I asked wut this was...a break? Time apart? A breakup??...he told mee he didn't wanna talk about it..he said that I knew the answers to thosee questions..then he said " I thought u weren't gonna be selfish?".....so I told him he was right, and I'd leave him alone........that's was around 6pm last night..here I am today..giving him his space and its killing me. We both alaways saw marriegee one day...hee loves mee and I don't doubt that...soo what do I do?? Not talking to him is soo painful..its killing me...

[Don Ho]

Sista, I can understand you are really hurting, confused and in anguish. You did the RIGHT thing telling him you thought it was over. Your intuition told you he was backing off and that was the move you should have made You did everything WRONG after that! You should have done just the opposite. No point beating yourself up over it as it's done now.

 

STOP contacting him and pouring your heart out!! 88 items that you failed to do? WTF? Yes you are shocking him and pushing him right out the door with all that you're doing. Contacting him will only continue to make it worse. DO NOT contact him for any reason!! IF he contacts you, wait and get some advice here BEFORE you respond. Now, back the fck off and get your mind occupied with something else.

[Trovador]

Sometimes, the best course of action is doing nothing... I wonder what would happen if all that energy and passion we put into a break up we could channeling into something really productive... look, do nothing... that is easier than calling and texting etc... let things rest... remember, the less you do, the less you suffer...

 

Explore life, a life without him, without all that time spent, yeah, it was all well spent but somehow we neglect our own life, now it´s time to take it again...

 

Go slowly, a day at a time, he won't forget you in a week, if he really cares about you, he will appreciate you more if you don't suffocate him right now... give him some time to think of you... because when we are with other people we don't think of them... be strong and certain that this hurt won't kill you...

[Don Ho]

Well said Trovador. Hopefully she will listen.

[tinybear5]

well its day 2 of this whole "give him space" =/

[Don Ho]

well its day 2 of this whole "give him space" =/

 

Whaaat did you say!?!? 2 days?? Right on Sista. Guess us beating you up a little is working. LOL. Don't you feel a little better and more in control? Continue with the program. Keep us posted.

[tinybear5]

yeah im waiting for him to contact me....i was thinkin about inviting him to my friends 23rd b-day dinner on friday...since he's never met any of my friends in the 3 years we been togther...maybe he"ll see it as a step forward?

[metricman09]

yeah im waiting for him to contact me....i was thinkin about inviting him to my friends 23rd b-day dinner on friday...since he's never met any of my friends in the 3 years we been togther...maybe he"ll see it as a step forward?

 

Do not do this, you have already done everything that you can. You are making yourself way too available right now.

 

When you wrote that 88 things that you did wrong, how did that go for you? You actaully gave him more things to hold against you and do you really think that you can change 88 things about yourself? How hard is it to just change one?

 

You seem like a really sweet person that is heartbroken, so let me tell you something else and you may not want to hear it but you will realize in time. You would benefit from a clean slate with someone else that would be lucky to have such a compassionate person.

 

Obviously you aren't ready for this but you can do small things to bring value and self worth to yourself. Because what you are doing now as well is ruining your self-image and self-essteem. Have a chat with a friend and get excited about what's going on in there life or listen to their problems and be a support system to someone else. I challenge you to do this because you will take your mind off your problems and you will feel better about yourself!

 

I do not mean to undervalue this relationship but there is a point of no return and I believe that you may have crossed it.

 

He is confused but with every single time you push on him, you are making him less confused. You are giving him all the power, take back the power and stop communicating with him, you can't control him but you can control you.

 

This is all advice and support so take from this what you may but I am proud of you for going 2 days, stay strong and I'm proud of you.

[Don Ho]

Good advice to follow from Metricman. DO NOT contact about the B-Day party!!

[tinybear5]

if anyone cares to read...this is the list ...

 

 

 

1 i walked all over you

2. i was rude and nasty at times

3. i didnt invite you out with my friends b/c of my own insecurities

4. i let important things like end of the night phone calls slip

5. i let you doubt how much i loved you

6. i refused to go out with you and your friends- agian b/c of my own insecurites

7. i let myself forget that a relationship works 2 ways

8. i brought my work home with me

9. sexualy- i only thought of my own needs

10.i went from telling you i loved you at the end of the night to texting it

11. i "acted" jelous

12. i threatned to end the relationship for attention

13. didnt request off for your bdays - again b/c of my own insecurities

14. believed other people over you

15. let peoples opinions get to me; which was wrong considering they didnt even know you

16. got so caught up in my own life i forgot i was sharing it with you

17. i failed to work on the insecurites

18.i cared waaay to much about what other people would think

19.i didnt do the dishes after you cooked me a meal

20. i didnt let you know that even though you didnt have money to take me out to dinner all the time,

you compensated best you could by making me home made meals

21. i didnt let you know that even though you didnt work, and it bugged the hell outa me, i was

still proud of you b/c you made school a priority and i knew you were doing it to better your

future

22. i made you think that nothing you did was ever good enough

23. i didnt listen or take lauren serisously when she said i was lucky to have you.

24.i never told you thank you for burning greys anatomy on dvd for me

25.i never told you thank you for helping me with math when i was studying for that nursing entrance

test; i passed greatly b/c of the time and effot you put into helping me understand

26. i didnt thank you for not giving up on me when i didnt understand that math

27. i made you feel bad about your body

28.i told you i'd break up with you if you gained weight

29. i didnt tell you exactly how much i loved those sneakers (use them eveyday at the gym)

30. i didnt let you watch soccer in peace during the world cup

31.i didnt let you talk about your problems on the phone

32. i didnt tell you thank you for switching your laundry detergant b/c i was allergic

33. i never let you know that you were a HUGE reason my GPA went from a 1.5 to a 3.5

34.i didnt let you know that i was amazed about how driven you were with school

35.i told you if you didnt get a job when you graduated i'd break up with you

36. i didnt tell you earlier how happy i was to have found you & and how happy i was

b/c i knew how much my dad would love you.

37.i acted like it botherd me when you went out at night - it never did b/c i trusted you; but for

some reason i had to act like i didnt when it came to that.

38. i didnt take pictures

39. i didnt tell you that you were my first - i was afraid of being judged

40. i didnt listen you when you said "ok u won 200 bucks, now stop playing"

41.i didnt tell you that i saw myself growing old with you

42. i didnt tell you that i saw you being the father of my kids one day

43. i didnt tell you that when i was at work and i saw familys checking into the hotel all happy

- i always thought that be us one day

44. i buried myself in work

45. i didnt tell you that even tho i never wanted to get pregnant - i wouldnt have the heart to

have an abortion..so i appriciated the things you did to insure that we would never be in that

situtation

46. i realized i was living my life WAY to busy/stressfully and didnt take steps to aliviate that sooner

47. acted like your mother b/c iv always heard that 'a man marrys his mother' - and i wanted to marry

u one day =O )

48. i never told you that when i met you i started doing really well in school b/c i knew if i wanted a

future with you i had to take school serisously

49. never told you that everyttime i heard the natasha bettingfeild song 'never find a love like this' it

reminded me of us

50. i didnt tell you that eveytime i met some guy who tried to spit game at me it REALLY made me realize

how lucky i was so have found u.

51. i failed to realize what john from work told me was true..he told me there are 3 kinds of love, peole

who need QUALITY time..people who need to HEAR things, people who like GIFTS . and you

cant love someone the way you want to be loved b/c it doesnt work that way..whe he told me that i

relized you are the kind who just needed to hear it.

52. i didnt realize that you actaualy told me that before

53. i didnt listen to the old bellman at work who told me he called his wife everyday on his 30 min

lunch break, and that i should do it too.

54. i didnt listen to people i should have actualy taken advice from, like joan from the hotel who

is 62 years old and told me i had something really good with you.

55. i didnt tell you about the postive things she made me realize about you

56. it took this happening for me realize any of the above

57. people say never change yourself for anybody..unless its for the better. i see that now

58. iv learned more in the past 72 hours than i have in a long time

59. i still beleive in second chances

60. the saying "you dont know what you got til its gone" really is true

61. not talking to you the past 48 hours has been excrutiatinly hard

62. i'v always thought you'd make a really good teacher

63. it made me feel really bad when you use to call evey car i'v ever driven "****ty"

64. i wanted you to quit smoking b/c i didnt want you to get sick

65. i wanted you to eat better b/c i didnt want u to end up like ur dad..or my dad & end up almost

dying

66. yes, i flirted with those boys who flirted with me...only to qiuckly realize what i had was 10000x

better

67. i should have told you that

68. i felt i had to do that to appriciate and TRULY know what i had was good

69. i had a GUT feeling when i first kissed you

70. i realized that the cheesy things i'v always felt should have been verbally communicated

71. when i told you i felt like i was flying when i was with you......my feet havent touched the ground

in almost 3 years still

72. i should have let you know that ---i thought it was cheesy tho so i ddint

73. eveyrone is shocked about how im handeling this ---i am too.

74. i beleive this was the wakeup call i needed.

75. i was serisously thinking about bringing you to taras wedding...9/10/11.

76.i was at tara engagment party and thought that would be us soon--again i felt it would

be cheesy to tell you that

77. i just told my dad i loved him...i havnt said that to him in 15 years

78. i failed to realize you are not my father , although your alot alike.

79. i really miss my hunniebunches

80. when you always said you love me more than i love you--i didnt have the spine to standup

and let you kno that i thought i loved you just as much

81. i now realized why you thought that

83. everytime we walked into elephant bar and that bitch starred at you it didnt bother me cuz u were mine

84. you made me proud

85. i never told you, but i couldnt wait for the day i'd introduce you to my dad

86. i think your gorgeous

87. i needed you to chase after me to know you loved me as much as you said you did

88. i loved how i didnt have to put on a front with you..we could call eachother names and

joke around.

Edited September 6, 2010 by tinybear5

[Don Ho]

Three words for your list: BIG TURN OFF

[tinybear5]

well im hopin he'll take it was "wow she relized wut she did"

[Don Ho]

well im hopin he'll take it was "wow she relized wut she did"

 

Wrong. He'll think "Oh god. WTF is this? I have a psycho on my hands. Why doesn't she just back off?"

 

He even told you he was speechless. That means you went WAY overboard. BACK OFF!! You are just NOT getting it are you Tinybear.

[metricman09]

if anyone cares to read...this is the list ...

 

 

 

1 i walked all over you

2. i was rude and nasty at times

3. i didnt invite you out with my friends b/c of my own insecurities

4. i let important things like end of the night phone calls slip

5. i let you doubt how much i loved you

6. i refused to go out with you and your friends- agian b/c of my own insecurites

7. i let myself forget that a relationship works 2 ways

8. i brought my work home with me

9. sexualy- i only thought of my own needs

10.i went from telling you i loved you at the end of the night to texting it

11. i "acted" jelous

12. i threatned to end the relationship for attention

13. didnt request off for your bdays - again b/c of my own insecurities

14. believed other people over you

15. let peoples opinions get to me; which was wrong considering they didnt even know you

16. got so caught up in my own life i forgot i was sharing it with you

17. i failed to work on the insecurites

18.i cared waaay to much about what other people would think

19.i didnt do the dishes after you cooked me a meal

20. i didnt let you know that even though you didnt have money to take me out to dinner all the time,

you compensated best you could by making me home made meals

21. i didnt let you know that even though you didnt work, and it bugged the hell outa me, i was

still proud of you b/c you made school a priority and i knew you were doing it to better your

future

22. i made you think that nothing you did was ever good enough

23. i didnt listen or take lauren serisously when she said i was lucky to have you.

24.i never told you thank you for burning greys anatomy on dvd for me

25.i never told you thank you for helping me with math when i was studying for that nursing entrance

test; i passed greatly b/c of the time and effot you put into helping me understand

26. i didnt thank you for not giving up on me when i didnt understand that math

27. i made you feel bad about your body

28.i told you i'd break up with you if you gained weight

29. i didnt tell you exactly how much i loved those sneakers (use them eveyday at the gym)

30. i didnt let you watch soccer in peace during the world cup

31.i didnt let you talk about your problems on the phone

32. i didnt tell you thank you for switching your laundry detergant b/c i was allergic

33. i never let you know that you were a HUGE reason my GPA went from a 1.5 to a 3.5

34.i didnt let you know that i was amazed about how driven you were with school

35.i told you if you didnt get a job when you graduated i'd break up with you

36. i didnt tell you earlier how happy i was to have found you & and how happy i was

b/c i knew how much my dad would love you.

37.i acted like it botherd me when you went out at night - it never did b/c i trusted you; but for

some reason i had to act like i didnt when it came to that.

38. i didnt take pictures

39. i didnt tell you that you were my first - i was afraid of being judged

40. i didnt listen you when you said "ok u won 200 bucks, now stop playing"

41.i didnt tell you that i saw myself growing old with you

42. i didnt tell you that i saw you being the father of my kids one day

43. i didnt tell you that when i was at work and i saw familys checking into the hotel all happy

- i always thought that be us one day

44. i buried myself in work

45. i didnt tell you that even tho i never wanted to get pregnant - i wouldnt have the heart to

have an abortion..so i appriciated the things you did to insure that we would never be in that

situtation

46. i realized i was living my life WAY to busy/stressfully and didnt take steps to aliviate that sooner

47. acted like your mother b/c iv always heard that 'a man marrys his mother' - and i wanted to marry

u one day =O )

48. i never told you that when i met you i started doing really well in school b/c i knew if i wanted a

future with you i had to take school serisously

49. never told you that everyttime i heard the natasha bettingfeild song 'never find a love like this' it

reminded me of us

50. i didnt tell you that eveytime i met some guy who tried to spit game at me it REALLY made me realize

how lucky i was so have found u.

51. i failed to realize what john from work told me was true..he told me there are 3 kinds of love, peole

who need QUALITY time..people who need to HEAR things, people who like GIFTS . and you

cant love someone the way you want to be loved b/c it doesnt work that way..whe he told me that i

relized you are the kind who just needed to hear it.

52. i didnt realize that you actaualy told me that before

53. i didnt listen to the old bellman at work who told me he called his wife everyday on his 30 min

lunch break, and that i should do it too.

54. i didnt listen to people i should have actualy taken advice from, like joan from the hotel who

is 62 years old and told me i had something really good with you.

55. i didnt tell you about the postive things she made me realize about you

56. it took this happening for me realize any of the above

57. people say never change yourself for anybody..unless its for the better. i see that now

58. iv learned more in the past 72 hours than i have in a long time

59. i still beleive in second chances

60. the saying "you dont know what you got til its gone" really is true

61. not talking to you the past 48 hours has been excrutiatinly hard

62. i'v always thought you'd make a really good teacher

63. it made me feel really bad when you use to call evey car i'v ever driven "****ty"

64. i wanted you to quit smoking b/c i didnt want you to get sick

65. i wanted you to eat better b/c i didnt want u to end up like ur dad..or my dad & end up almost

dying

66. yes, i flirted with those boys who flirted with me...only to qiuckly realize what i had was 10000x

better

67. i should have told you that

68. i felt i had to do that to appriciate and TRULY know what i had was good

69. i had a GUT feeling when i first kissed you

70. i realized that the cheesy things i'v always felt should have been verbally communicated

71. when i told you i felt like i was flying when i was with you......my feet havent touched the ground

in almost 3 years still

72. i should have let you know that ---i thought it was cheesy tho so i ddint

73. eveyrone is shocked about how im handeling this ---i am too.

74. i beleive this was the wakeup call i needed.

75. i was serisously thinking about bringing you to taras wedding...9/10/11.

76.i was at tara engagment party and thought that would be us soon--again i felt it would

be cheesy to tell you that

77. i just told my dad i loved him...i havnt said that to him in 15 years

78. i failed to realize you are not my father , although your alot alike.

79. i really miss my hunniebunches

80. when you always said you love me more than i love you--i didnt have the spine to standup

and let you kno that i thought i loved you just as much

81. i now realized why you thought that

83. everytime we walked into elephant bar and that bitch starred at you it didnt bother me cuz u were mine

84. you made me proud

85. i never told you, but i couldnt wait for the day i'd introduce you to my dad

86. i think your gorgeous

87. i needed you to chase after me to know you loved me as much as you said you did

88. i loved how i didnt have to put on a front with you..we could call eachother names and

joke around.

 

Ok first this shows that you have a lot to work on, again I am going to ask you do you think that you could change all this over night? I get that you realize that you have had some self-reflection and honestly this list is quite impressive, but how would you react if someone sent you this list?

Honestly it's not very flattering and probably validated things not the other way around.

 

If you think you can do these things, then show him but ONLY if he wants you to. I think this is a really tough pill to swallow but the ball is in his court and wait for him to come around, he may and you will have more time to sort out how you can actually make these changes actually be a reality.

 

He is not a partner in this relationship and this is what you need. Think about that. Take the past out of the equation and look at how he is treating you now. Think about that as well and I think you should continue to not contact him. Stay Strong!

[tinybear5]

well this is day 3 of "not being selfish".....im really tempted to show him i wanna make the changes by inviting him to my friends bday dinner...since he's never met ne of my friends ..but now im kinda thinking twice about it ...but really by friday it will be almost a week, how much could it hurt to just thro that invitation out there?

[Don Ho]

well this is day 3 of "not being selfish".....im really tempted to show him i wanna make the changes by inviting him to my friends bday dinner...since he's never met ne of my friends ..but now im kinda thinking twice about it ...but really by friday it will be almost a week, how much could it hurt to just thro that invitation out there?

 

NO!! You are NOT going to invite him to that dinner! It will be a week of NC Friday? GOOD! Continue on Sista. How much could that hurt? A lot! DO NOT undo what you have been working so hard on doing: maintaining NC. There is nothing to gain by you contacting him, only going backwards. You are SHOWING him you are acting differently by NOT contacting him. Good job! Continue.

[tinybear5]

so he changed is facbook pic; he looks like hes out having fun...its like a blury pic of him stickin his tounge out drunk prob..u can see he was around some girls ..kinda hurt to seee that

[Don Ho]

Stop! And stop checking out his FB before I smack you. Block his profile NOW!