Stay NC or talk for closure?

[pandagirl]

I've been posting everywhere on LS! But, I'm just trying to process my breakup, so I can understand it, accept it, and start letting go.

 

My breakup happened abruptly during a 2:30 am phone call fight. It was a lot of little arguments leading up to this fight/break up, but I am pretty positive this was not a thoughtfully planned out breakup. Yes, we were having problems, but we were also planning for me to come visit him in two weeks just the night before.

 

Anyway, from 2:30 am - 11:00 am, was incredibly emotional for me. I was crying, sent him texts, called him, imed him, emailed him, begged for him back, told him I had accepted it, said I was open to reconciliation. I was all over the place. Then I pulled myself together, and haven't talk to him since. He wanted to talk in a couple of days, but I told him I was going out of town this weekend (this is true, I'm at a friend's), and would talk to him when I got back.

 

Now, that it's been five days of NC, I want to keep it going. But we also never had a real conversation about breaking up. It was in the middle of a fight, in the middle of the night. It was yelling and crying and confusion. In that sense, I feel like I need to have that talk to feel like I have some closure.

 

I am accepting this as a break up. Even if he mentioned getting back together, I don't think I could right now. There are too many un-fixable variables in our situation that would only rear their ugly heads again.

 

So, do I stay NC, or go for the closure talk so I can go NC with a more peaceful state of mind?

[shadowplay]

I've been posting everywhere on LS! But, I'm just trying to process my breakup, so I can understand it, accept it, and start letting go.

 

My breakup happened abruptly during a 2:30 am phone call fight. It was a lot of little arguments leading up to this fight/break up, but I am pretty positive this was not a thoughtfully planned out breakup. Yes, we were having problems, but we were also planning for me to come visit him in two weeks just the night before.

 

Anyway, from 2:30 am - 11:00 am, was incredibly emotional for me. I was crying, sent him texts, called him, imed him, emailed him, begged for him back, told him I had accepted it, said I was open to reconciliation. I was all over the place. Then I pulled myself together, and haven't talk to him since. He wanted to talk in a couple of days, but I told him I was going out of town this weekend (this is true, I'm at a friend's), and would talk to him when I got back.

 

Now, that it's been five days of NC, I want to keep it going. But we also never had a real conversation about breaking up. It was in the middle of a fight, in the middle of the night. It was yelling and crying and confusion. In that sense, I feel like I need to have that talk to feel like I have some closure.

 

I am accepting this as a break up. Even if he mentioned getting back together, I don't think I could right now. There are too many un-fixable variables in our situation that would only rear their ugly heads again.

 

So, do I stay NC, or go for the closure talk so I can go NC with a more peaceful state of mind?

 

If you are accepting this as a breakup and don't want to get back together, then another talk is just redundant and will set you back. I think people often seek closure in a vain attempt to speed up the healing process.

 

You can't have closure right now. Closure will naturally come with time. I have it now on my breakup, or I almost do.

 

From reading your posts, you are somebody who is uncomfortable with uncertainties and grays. This is why you feel like you need closure. Take this opportunity to grow as a person by forcing yourself to accept a temporary state of non-closure.

[pandagirl]

If you are accepting this as a breakup and don't want to get back together, then another talk is just redundant and will set you back. I think people often seek closure in a vain attempt to speed up the healing process.

 

You can't have closure right now. Closure will naturally come with time. I have it now on my breakup, or I almost do.

 

From reading your posts, you are somebody who is uncomfortable with uncertainties and grays. This is why you feel like you need closure. Take this opportunity to grow as a person by forcing yourself to accept a temporary state of non-closure.

 

You're right. But, I guess me wanting to talk to him is selfish, too. I hate leaving it on such a bad note, when I don't have any bad feelings toward him.

[ChrisMc]

Speaking personally, I needed closure.

 

My situation was a little different, because we went on a "break" that wasn't really one, and she kept saying she didn't know if it was over, "if that's what you want", etc., while all her actions said it was.

 

So while I KNEW it was over, I needed HER to know I knew. I know, I know, sounds very childish and high school-ish, but I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of leaving me hanging and having to figure it out myself.

 

So I wrote a long letter (going against all the advice on LS lol), telling her EVERYTHING I felt, good and bad, and told her, once and for all, that it was over, not to contact me, and I would not reach out to her.

 

And I can tell you I felt 100 times better.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Hey Panda,

 

Once again we both find ourselves in pretty much the exact same circumstances...literally down to the 5 days NC!!

 

I have decided, for myself, that I am not going to contact him. My ex said we both needed to 'cool off' and I am going to give him his time to think about everything and miss me. I am going to wait for him to contact me...if he ever does..

 

While i'm giving him his time, I essentially am pushing myself to get through and heal through this breakup. I am still so distraught over this breakup and I still have really (I mean reallyyyyy) bad moments... but I have decided I can't wait around and keep hoping...what is that going to do for me if he ends up saying that he doesn't want to get back together...it's going to put me back to square one. So I'm working on myself...

 

What I would do is give yourself some more time...if you still feel like you need closure, then do it. But for now, the breakup is still quite fresh...and in my situation emotions are still running high so I can imagine emotions are still running high for yourself as well.

 

Our situations are really ****ty. It just sucks so much that distance is the reason why such great relationships don't always pull through. But right now, take care of yourself Panda...

[pandagirl]

Hey Panda,

 

Once again we both find ourselves in pretty much the exact same circumstances...literally down to the 5 days NC!!

 

I have decided, for myself, that I am not going to contact him. My ex said we both needed to 'cool off' and I am going to give him his time to think about everything and miss me. I am going to wait for him to contact me...if he ever does..

 

While i'm giving him his time, I essentially am pushing myself to get through and heal through this breakup. I am still so distraught over this breakup and I still have really (I mean reallyyyyy) bad moments... but I have decided I can't wait around and keep hoping...what is that going to do for me if he ends up saying that he doesn't want to get back together...it's going to put me back to square one. So I'm working on myself...

 

What I would do is give yourself some more time...if you still feel like you need closure, then do it. But for now, the breakup is still quite fresh...and in my situation emotions are still running high so I can imagine emotions are still running high for yourself as well.

 

Our situations are really ****ty. It just sucks so much that distance is the reason why such great relationships don't always pull through. But right now, take care of yourself Panda...

 

Aww, you hang in there! I agree just taking care of yourself and making YOU your #1 priority is the most important thing. That's what I'm doing too.

 

I think I'm going to be all right no matter what.

[Lost Fish]

Panda and Hopelesslyforgotten,

 

I can assure you - you will BOTH be ok.

 

And I can also assure you that your exes will both reach out and break NC eventually.

 

Also - I think closure is important. Just make sure that if you do have that conversation to tie up any loose ends - that that is your ONLY intention. Go into it knowing you are broken up and will still remain broken up. Ask what questions you need to and then take that knowledge and go back to NC.

 

Sometimes that kind of closure can give invaluable information about yourself and how you behave in relationships which can make you a better person for the next lucky dude in your life.

 

Be well. Know that aside from the death of a family member, a break like you two are experiencing is the hardest thing you will endure in this life - and you will grow immensely as a person once you make it!

 

There is always a silver lining... Be good to yourself.

[Star Gazer]

I didn't realize your breakup was in the middle of a fight, PG. In my mind, that changes everything. Did he really breakup with you mid-fight, or did the breakup turn the discussion into a fight?

[pandagirl]

I didn't realize your breakup was in the middle of a fight, PG. In my mind, that changes everything. Did he really breakup with you mid-fight, or did the breakup turn the discussion into a fight?

 

Yeah, it was in the middle of a fight around 2:30am.

 

Basically, he neglected to call me when he said he would, plus didn't text me back. Since this was what our arguments had been about lately (plus, we just had another discussion about it on Sunday), I lost my patience and snapped.

 

I ended up texting him rude things (none of them really horrible, just like, "thanks for texting me back)), and called him 10 times in the span of one hour. It was like watching a car accident happen. I knew it was wrong, but I just was so emotional and frustrated.

 

He ended up calling me at 2am. He got home, then passed out, saw I had called, then called me back. This is a regular occurrence, and I've seen it happen. He falls asleep in about 2 seconds with all his clothes on. He said: "Hi baby, I passed out, I love you, talk to you tomorrow," an he hung up. But I was angry, so I called him back and got angry and we started to fight about this.

 

He saw I had called and texted him numerous times and said: "You cannot do this anymore, Pand! I told you I would call you when I was free, and you never listen!" And I said, "Well, you often times forget, and I'm getting frustrated at having to ask you, because I don't want to nag and I end up feeling insecure and being clingy!"

 

At some point in our argument, he was just like, "I cannot do this. I can't. I need a break."

 

So then I freaked out, and said: "A break? You want a break? Well that is the same thing as a breakup, so is that what you want?"

 

And he said: "I don't know. Yeah, a break... no. I don't know. Yes, we should just breakup."

 

At that point I flipped out and started basically being hysterical. Then I let loose and was like, "I can't believe you are doing this! Why did you make me believe we had a future together!" Basically flipped out.

 

The more I became emotional, the more he withdrew.

 

We ended up in a sad, but calm place.

 

But, then the next morning, I was like... What happened?

 

I wholly understand that we hadn't been getting along or communicating well. Maybe he had been thinking about breaking up with me. Who knows, we may have broken up anyway, but I was never expecting it to happen like this. Hell, I had thought about whether we would make it or not, too, but since we have had a hard tough month, with a tough last visit, I was going to wait until my next visit (which was supposed to happen in two weeks) to see if we could connect and see how things were in person before I seriously thought about a breakup.

 

I just never expected to breakup like this. 2am. During a fight. Unexpected.

[LostInTurn]

Do not contact them and obtaining closure is bullsh*t. Save yourself the time and pain.

[Star Gazer]

That changes everything to me, PG. If you want, I *think* the relationship is totally salvageable. But one of you needs to reach out to make that happen. Not saying it should be you or that it should be right now though...

[ShannonMI]

Speaking personally, I needed closure.

 

My situation was a little different, because we went on a "break" that wasn't really one, and she kept saying she didn't know if it was over, "if that's what you want", etc., while all her actions said it was.

 

So while I KNEW it was over, I needed HER to know I knew. I know, I know, sounds very childish and high school-ish, but I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of leaving me hanging and having to figure it out myself.

 

So I wrote a long letter (going against all the advice on LS lol), telling her EVERYTHING I felt, good and bad, and told her, once and for all, that it was over, not to contact me, and I would not reach out to her.

 

And I can tell you I felt 100 times better.

 

Everyone says not to send letters to your ex. In my case, I wanted my ex to know just what I thought of him. It made me feel very good to get it all off my chest. We broke up about 4 months ago after an 8 year relationship. I just recently found out the reason he dumped me was because he was seeing some other girl. The bullsh*t reason he gave me when we broke up was that he had changed and we weren't right for each other. It all came as a complete shock. I was totally blindsided. I had no idea there was some girl involved. I trusted him with my life and never expected such a thing from him. I was wrong. He betrayed me and I needed him to know that I knew what a dirty piece of sh*t he is. I emailed him a letter. I didn't resort to any name calling (even though I wanted to) or low blows, but I sure put him in his place. It felt good. I'm sure most of the LS peeps would say that that was a horrible thing to do and it was pointless, but I felt he needed to know. Now he knows that I know EVERYTHING and how disgusted and disappointed I am with who he has become. If I were him, I would feel like the biggest piece of garbage. I was a great girlfriend to him and he sh*t on me. Someday I'm sure he will regret what he did and he will live with the guilt of it which is what he deserves.

 

Now if you are planning on writing a letter to tell your ex how much you love them and miss them or how you want them back, etc. etc. I suggest NOT doing that. Most likely they will not reciprocate the feelings and you will be left feeling even worse.

[pandagirl]

That changes everything to me, PG. If you want, I *think* the relationship is totally salvageable. But one of you needs to reach out to make that happen. Not saying it should be you or that it should be right now though...

 

Really? Why do you say that?

 

I think maybe he was thinking of breaking up with me, then just used this fight as an excuse. I was just surprised at the manner he did it in, and that we were just talking about me coming there soon.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Panda and Hopelesslyforgotten,

 

I can assure you - you will BOTH be ok.

 

And I can also assure you that your exes will both reach out and break NC eventually.

 

Also - I think closure is important. Just make sure that if you do have that conversation to tie up any loose ends - that that is your ONLY intention. Go into it knowing you are broken up and will still remain broken up. Ask what questions you need to and then take that knowledge and go back to NC.

 

Sometimes that kind of closure can give invaluable information about yourself and how you behave in relationships which can make you a better person for the next lucky dude in your life.

 

Be well. Know that aside from the death of a family member, a break like you two are experiencing is the hardest thing you will endure in this life - and you will grow immensely as a person once you make it!

 

There is always a silver lining... Be good to yourself.

 

Thank you Lost Fish for your very kind words .... I still want to believe that he is going to reach out to me and want to be together again, but I know I have to stop being in denial as there is a large chance that won't ever happen ...and you're completely right, other than a family member dying this has definitely been one of the worst things i have ever had to experience....i've never ever felt this way after any previous breakup.

 

Seriously Panda, the more and more I read about your situation it sounds exactly like mine...how the breakup happened was pretty much the same way....abruptly... and so abrupt that I couldn't believe it literally just happened until AFTER it happened!

 

And I know you will be ok Panda..no matter what happens! Just take one day at a time... i know 5 days seems like an eternity (it has for me anways lol) and I want to break NC sooooo bad...but let them reach out to us...because deep down I know they will Panda! And when that happens, you can then decide if you want closure or you want to get back together!

[Billie The Puppet]

I have learned there is no amount of closure that would help. I got the point my ex doesn't want me back as her romantic partner and has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Do I know why yes and no. She lost attraction for me but thats a basic answer.

 

I don't know why she insists on contacting me at least once a week just to say Hi or see how I am doing and when I question this she replies they are just general questions can we not be friends? I sent her off an email stating I do not want contact with her, yet I want to remain friends with her sister and sisters fiancé which is hard to implement NC with my ex if I am in contact with them because they will become a gateway although I do not mention my ex with them any longer.

 

However it does seem the reason for my EX splitting from me so far has remained true as far as I know she just didn't want to be tied down she hasn't really experienced being single (I call BS a bit she pursued me). She seems to be going to a girlfriends or staying home on weekends (we really only spent weekends together) However a week before our split we were going ring shopping so it was like a snap decision from committed to free.

[harmfulsweetz]

I do think it's salvageable too, it doesn't sound like a thought-out, planned break-up more an impulsive decision, but you have tried to contact him to patch things up, and he has said he would talk to you in a few days. So maybe he needs space. But you need to prioritise you, which means to me, put all of your focus onto your needs etc, don't wait for him to call.

 

 

For me, closure doesn't ever come from the other person. The other person may provide answers (which may or may not be true) and it may ease your mind for a moment, but until you find it within yourself to accept this fully, and accept why it went wrong, etc, you won't be able to let go. Don't ever rely on another person for closure.

[pandagirl]

However it does seem the reason for my EX splitting from me so far has remained true as far as I know she just didn't want to be tied down she hasn't really experienced being single (I call BS a bit she pursued me). She seems to be going to a girlfriends or staying home on weekends (we really only spent weekends together) However a week before our split we were going ring shopping so it was like a snap decision from committed to free.

 

If this is the reason my ex gave me, I would understand. Like if he had some more deep reasons he didn't want to be with me, like we were incompatible, he didn't see a future with me, didn't want to be tied down, but as far as I knew, none of these were the reasons.

 

I do think it's salvageable too, it doesn't sound like a thought-out, planned break-up more an impulsive decision, but you have tried to contact him to patch things up, and he has said he would talk to you in a few days. So maybe he needs space. But you need to prioritise you, which means to me, put all of your focus onto your needs etc, don't wait for him to call.

 

For me, closure doesn't ever come from the other person. The other person may provide answers (which may or may not be true) and it may ease your mind for a moment, but until you find it within yourself to accept this fully, and accept why it went wrong, etc, you won't be able to let go. Don't ever rely on another person for closure.

 

Yup! I am definitely going to be OK no matter what. I'm acting as this is over for the time being. I can only give myself closure. But I don't want the last time I speak to him be a 2:30am fight when emotions were high, especially when I know we still like and love each other. I don't want that to be the last memory I have of him.

 

Like I said, we had been having communication issues the last couple of months. But these issues didn't seem to come from us being a couple. They seemed to come from the distance and life circumstances. However, if he tells me he can't be in a relationship right now just because of the distance and his life situation, I will understand that. That is a fair reason.

 

Not to sound conceited, but if he decides to let me go, I will just think he's an idiot for giving me up. He might find someone else one day, but she won't be me and I know he will regret giving me up.

[Silvaria]

Not to sound conceited, but if he decides to let me go, I will just think he's an idiot for giving me up. He might find someone else one day, but she won't be me and I know he will regret giving me up.

I don't think it's conceited at all. I feel the same way.

 

My ex- largely dumped me because I went through a really low point in life, and became extremely needy and clingy, which I am still working to come out of...before that, for a year and a half, I was told that I was an amazing woman, and the best thing that -ever- happened to him.

 

Not to sound conceited, LOL...but I am intelligent, funny, compassionate, forgiving, loving, affectionate, and even kind of cute. Yes, I went through a bad time, and changed for a while...who the hell HASN'T, at some point? But, being bipolar, he tends to see things as very black and white...and frankly, if he can't see that it was a temporary change on my part, it is simply his loss, because he will never find someone who loves him and forgives him as damn near unconditionally as I do...-especially- considering his mental disorder.

 

Good luck, and please keep us posted. 8)

[Star Gazer]

If this is the reason my ex gave me, I would understand. Like if he had some more deep reasons he didn't want to be with me, like we were incompatible, he didn't see a future with me, didn't want to be tied down, but as far as I knew, none of these were the reasons.

 

Like I said, we had been having communication issues the last couple of months. But these issues didn't seem to come from us being a couple. They seemed to come from the distance and life circumstances. However, if he tells me he can't be in a relationship right now just because of the distance and his life situation, I will understand that. That is a fair reason.

 

I guess this is why I feel it's salvageable. It's not that you're incompatible or that he doesn't see a future with you, it's that life got in the way. Well, circumstances change. I'm not saying it can be repaired right now, but I seem to recall there being a potential expiry date on the distance...that the circumstances can/will change to be back in your favor. Is that still true?

 

It sounds to me like he just needs some space. In a LDR, all you have is communication... but knowing that also puts a huge burden/expectation on both parties to put that communication first above all else. And that can just be too much sometimes. You need to be able to give each other breaks sometimes.

 

Not to sound conceited, but if he decides to let me go, I will just think he's an idiot for giving me up. He might find someone else one day, but she won't be me and I know he will regret giving me up.

 

I don't think it's conceited at all. I felt the same way when Skiman and I broke up. Still do, I'm very confident about it.

[pandagirl]

I guess this is why I feel it's salvageable. It's not that you're incompatible or that he doesn't see a future with you, it's that life got in the way. Well, circumstances change. I'm not saying it can be repaired right now, but I seem to recall there being a potential expiry date on the distance...that the circumstances can/will change to be back in your favor. Is that still true?

 

It sounds to me like he just needs some space. In a LDR, all you have is communication... but knowing that also puts a huge burden/expectation on both parties to put that communication first above all else. And that can just be too much sometimes. You need to be able to give each other breaks sometimes.

 

I don't think it's conceited at all. I felt the same way when Skiman and I broke up. Still do, I'm very confident about it.

 

You make good points, SG. Maybe we should have given each other breaks with the communication...

 

Yes, he's supposed to move back in six months. I don't think it can be repaired right now anyway, unless some big changes happen. I refuse to get back together with him when the underlying issues are not resolved. We'll end up hating each other.

 

I've been away all weekend with a big group of my friends. I get sad in the morning and night, but I've been largely kept company and been having fun, so I feel like I'm in a good place.... and I'm starting to get angry. Angry at him for not communicating better, for pulling away from me, for shutting me out. You can't/don't do that to someone you love. He knew how much it was hurting me.

 

I became clingy/insecure which is a total relationship killer, but I only started acting like this when there was a reason. When you feel loved, you don't act like this. When you feel like someone is shutting you out, this is the natural reaction.

 

I thank him for loving me through my depression and being there for me. I know that wasn't easy, and I know it caused strain in our relationship. But soon, my depressed state was being caused by HIM. I just wanted him to be present and there for me, and I could tell he wasn't. I know it had to do with both of us, but I felt like I was the only one trying to fix it.

 

If he fell out of love with me or met someone else, he needs to tell me, because then it would make more sense to me! As far as I know, this is not the case.

 

I just feel like our problems were exasperated by the distance. We would've still had these problems if he lived here, but I feel like they would have been dealt with a lot better and resolved faster. All I know is we were both in the right place, we were a dream.

 

I guess this is why LDR are so hard. Life gets in the way.

[Els]

I honestly think that some people in this particular part of the forum go through every single thread posting the exact same mantra, "Go NC, don't contact him, move on and heal." While I imagine they are only trying to help... I'm pretty sure there isn't a generic answer that suits every situation.

 

PG: Like SG, I honestly think it is salvageable. But.. I'm not sure you would be happier if it were salvaged. If you got back together, do you think you could take the next 6 months of distance with him and not tear yourself up with depression? If you think you can't... then I doubt there's any point to further talks.

[pandagirl]

I honestly think that some people in this particular part of the forum go through every single thread posting the exact same mantra, "Go NC, don't contact him, move on and heal." While I imagine they are only trying to help... I'm pretty sure there isn't a generic answer that suits every situation.

 

PG: Like SG, I honestly think it is salvageable. But.. I'm not sure you would be happier if it were salvaged. If you got back together, do you think you could take the next 6 months of distance with him and not tear yourself up with depression? If you think you can't... then I doubt there's any point to further talks.

 

I think NC is a good thing to do for yourself to get some space and feel like you're on solid ground again. I know for me, these past 5-6 days of not talking to him have really helped.

 

It's only salvageable if he wants it to be, which I don't think he does. Actually, I know he'd probably like to be with me, if things weren't so difficult right now. He said during our breakup conversation that both of us need time by ourselves to become happy individual people again. He's right and it's smart. I think after a month or so after taking some space, *maybe* we can start doing low contact with each other.

 

I really do want to focus on myself. We've both been in this weird time of transition with our lives and careers. I want us both to be happy, and then we can be happy together.

Edited September 6, 2010 by pandagirl

[CLC2008]

Panda, it sounds like you two just had a fight, you pushed his buttons when he failed to call you back right away and you kept pushing them after he called. I know you didn't do it on purpose, and you were most likely feeling a bit insecure and that all came out during your "fight".

 

All those "little fights" that lead up to it, were most likely, due to the distance.

 

It's a difficult situation to be in. You both live in two different states. I am sure that takes a toll after a while.

 

I agree with everything that Stargazer mentioned.

 

If you wish to salvage things, then I think for now, you just need to give him his space because he is probably feeling overwhelmed. Give him some time to cool off, and hopefully he will reach out to you. Then you can better gauge how you feel about things in terms of what you want/need from this relationship.