Panda's Coping Log...

[pandagirl]

I just need someplace where I can vent and think.

 

It's been five days since he broke up with me. We hadn't been getting along. I tell myself it's for the best. The distance partly ruined us. We both made mistakes.

 

But I'm angry. He shut me out emotionally. He went into some "man-cave" and pushed me away. It made me question his love for me, made me feel insecure, clingy and I became someone who I'm not. Yet, he assured me of his love for me whenever I felt sad, told me I was still important to him as ever, told me he still loved me immensely.

 

That wasn't enough for me, and I don't blame myself for becoming clingy. Yes, I became crazy girlfriend for a bit, calling him seven times in a row, texting him, asking him where he was, but it was only because he seemed so far away and I knew there was something wrong. He thought I just should just relax and believe in his love for me. In long-distance, it just doesn't work that way. You need more communication.

 

Yet, I know if we lived in the same place, he'd just come home to me to relax from his work day. We'd eat dinner, watch TV, and fall asleep with each other. This would've made me feel happy and secure in our relationship. With him gone, he just did all those things without me, he had no energy. I understand, but I don't understand...

 

I know I will be fine and get through this. But I'm so sad. We dated for two months before he left, and survived eight months of being apart. There is no way to know what would have happened if he never left....

 

All I know is that I'm so sad. So sad that we never even got a shot to really share our love with each other. Really *show* our love for each other. Never got to share a New Year's Eve kiss. Never got to spend our birthday's together. These are the thoughts that make me cry.

 

How do get over these feelings?

[chocolate_boy]

I just need someplace where I can vent and think.

 

It's been five days since he broke up with me. We hadn't been getting along. I tell myself it's for the best. The distance partly ruined us. We both made mistakes.

 

But I'm angry. He shut me out emotionally. He went into some "man-cave" and pushed me away. It made me question his love for me, made me feel insecure, clingy and I became someone who I'm not. Yet, he assured me of his love for me whenever I felt sad, told me I was still important to him as ever, told me he still loved me immensely.

 

That wasn't enough for me, and I don't blame myself for becoming clingy. Yes, I became crazy girlfriend for a bit, calling him seven times in a row, texting him, asking him where he was, but it was only because he seemed so far away and I knew there was something wrong. He thought I just should just relax and believe in his love for me. In long-distance, it just doesn't work that way. You need more communication.

 

Yet, I know if we lived in the same place, he'd just come home to me to relax from his work day. We'd eat dinner, watch TV, and fall asleep with each other. This would've made me feel happy and secure in our relationship. With him gone, he just did all those things without me, he had no energy. I understand, but I don't understand...

 

I know I will be fine and get through this. But I'm so sad. We dated for two months before he left, and survived eight months of being apart. There is no way to know what would have happened if he never left....

 

All I know is that I'm so sad. So sad that we never even got a shot to really share our love with each other. Really *show* our love for each other. Never got to share a New Year's Eve kiss. Never got to spend our birthday's together. These are the thoughts that make me cry.

 

How do get over these feelings?

 

You get over it by cutting off ALL contact with him, no checking facebook/twitter, write his number down and put it somewhere safe, delete it from your cell phone. Get rid of all reminders, photos, cards, clothes that remind you of him, put them all out of sight.

 

Concentrate on loving yourself, at the moment you're going through a rough time, you're injured, you need to allow yourself time to recover, baby steps. Sleep lots, cry, get it out of your system, go for nice walks, listen to music, eat chocolate, look after yourself, exercise if you can, be around friends/family, watch funny movies.

 

Day by day it just gets better over time, you realise you didn't think about him for the last 10 minutes one day, then it becomes an hour, then whole days, until you're over it.

 

It's sad yes, but remember it was out of your control, you cannot change it, you need to play with the cards you've been dealt.

 

Keep posting here helps too.

[pandagirl]

You get over it by cutting off ALL contact with him, no checking facebook/twitter, write his number down and put it somewhere safe, delete it from your cell phone. Get rid of all reminders, photos, cards, clothes that remind you of him, put them all out of sight.

 

Concentrate on loving yourself, at the moment you're going through a rough time, you're injured, you need to allow yourself time to recover, baby steps. Sleep lots, cry, get it out of your system, go for nice walks, listen to music, eat chocolate, look after yourself, exercise if you can, be around friends/family, watch funny movies.

 

Day by day it just gets better over time, you realise you didn't think about him for the last 10 minutes one day, then it becomes an hour, then whole days, until you're over it.

 

It's sad yes, but remember it was out of your control, you cannot change it, you need to play with the cards you've been dealt.

 

Keep posting here helps too.

 

I am doing these things already. The day after, deleted his texts, emails, did that with his phone number, put things away. I have plenty of friends and my own life, so I'm not worried about that.

 

I just miss him. I can't live in "what ifs," but I know our love was real and it still exists. I just can't believe I may not ever see him again, when I was supposed to be there in two weeks.

 

We were supposed to share our lives together for a long time. That's what we looked forward to when we could be together again. I know neither of us are happy right now with our lives.

 

I need to let him go and let him figure out his life, because I'd rather see him happy, even if that means without me.

[Kamille]

Oh Panda, I just found out! I'm so sorry to hear this. It does seem unfair that distance is what ended up breaking you two up... distance and his pride. You were there for him and he isolated himself? Just so unfair.

 

You seem so calm about it all. That's something to be proud of!

 

big hug!

[pandagirl]

Oh Panda, I just found out! I'm so sorry to hear this. It does seem unfair that distance is what ended up breaking you two up... distance and his pride. You were there for him and he isolated himself? Just so unfair.

 

You seem so calm about it all. That's something to be proud of!

 

big hug!

 

I dunno. I think I am calm because I understand and I do know he loves me deeply.

 

He just completely withdrew himself from me, and I'm angry about that. He can't stand feeling anything that makes him feel uncomfortable, so he just sort of shuts down. He doesn't like feeling weak, so he ignore it, and pours his energy into his work. But I also know if he was here, with me, it could have been different.

[chocolate_boy]

I dunno. I think I am calm because I understand and I do know he loves me deeply.

 

He just completely withdrew himself from me, and I'm angry about that. He can't stand feeling anything that makes him feel uncomfortable, so he just sort of shuts down. He doesn't like feeling weak, so he ignore it, and pours his energy into his work. But I also know if he was here, with me, it could have been different.

 

I know it's tough, I've been there too. You never know what the future will bring you, it's unwritten, but right now all you can deal with is what's happening today, worrying about the future will get you nowhere.

 

I know this because I've been on this site for 7 years, gone through 4 breakups in that time, and looking back at my post history I was in some dark, hopeless places, but years later I see they were for the best.

 

Fact is a year, 2 years, 5 years from now you'll feel very differently, you just need to take baby-steps, day by day, don't stress about "never seeing him again" etc. x

 

Your time apart will be the key, if he really does love you, he'll be back. If he doesn't, then better you found out.

[pandagirl]

I know it's tough, I've been there too. You never know what the future will bring you, it's unwritten, but right now all you can deal with is what's happening today, worrying about the future will get you nowhere.

 

I know this because I've been on this site for 7 years, gone through 4 breakups in that time, and looking back at my post history I was in some dark, hopeless places, but years later I see they were for the best.

 

Fact is a year, 2 years, 5 years from now you'll feel very differently, you just need to take baby-steps, day by day, don't stress about "never seeing him again" etc. x

 

Your time apart will be the key, if he really does love you, he'll be back. If he doesn't, then better you found out.

 

That's the thing. I don't feel so dark or very hopeless. I'm just overcome with this feeling of, "But... it wasn't supposed to be this way!"

 

I always looked at our relationship realistically. I know we talked about our future and our children and everything else, because that's how we felt about each other. But I also knew we wouldn't REALLY know if we were meant to be until he moved back (he's coming back in six months) and saw how we worked being really together, in a real, everyday relationship.

 

I just always saw us slugging through this crappy part to get to the real part of our relationship. All I wanted was a chance to have him as my real boyfriend again, to share our lives together again, to do what real couples do.

 

I remember when he moved away, I told him I was scared, and that if he met someone else better, it would be ok. He just laughed and told me: "That's impossible. But if you get tired of it, or fall in love with someone else, I won't be angry. I'll just find you when I come back."

 

[chocolate_boy]

That's the thing. I don't feel so dark or very hopeless. I'm just overcome with this feeling of, "But... it wasn't supposed to be this way!"

 

I always looked at our relationship realistically. I know we talked about our future and our children and everything else, because that's how we felt about each other. But I also knew we wouldn't REALLY know if we were meant to be until he moved back (he's coming back in six months) and saw how we worked being really together, in a real, everyday relationship.

 

I just always saw us slugging through this crappy part to get to the real part of our relationship. All I wanted was a chance to have him as my real boyfriend again, to share our lives together again, to do what real couples do.

 

I remember when he moved away, I told him I was scared, and that if he met someone else better, it would be ok. He just laughed and told me: "That's impossible. But if you get tired of it, or fall in love with someone else, I won't be angry. I'll just find you when I come back."

 

 

One thing I've learned about people is they only say how they feel right at this moment, this can change. Heck, I've been engaged to be married before, and that changed. I've also had the opposite "I don't love you, the attraction has gone" only to be begging me back a few months down the line.

 

People are fickle things, emotions change like the wind sadly.

[pandagirl]

One thing I've learned about people is they only say how they feel right at this moment, this can change. Heck, I've been engaged to be married before, and that changed. I've also had the opposite "I don't love you, the attraction has gone" only to be begging me back a few months down the line.

 

People are fickle things, emotions change like the wind sadly.

 

Of course, nothing is ever a sure thing ever in life. That's why you have to always make sure you are your #1 priority.

 

It's weird. I already feel halfway over him. I still am in love with him, but I can see his faults more clearly. If it is over, and he doesn't want to try to fix our relationship, then so be it.

 

I know I am a wonderful person. I have my faults, of course, but I am loving, kind, loyal and have a lot to offer a relationship. I feel like I am what most guys want. I was everything he ever wanted. But it takes two to tango, and I do not take full responsibility for the issues in our relationship.

[Kamille]

Of course, nothing is ever a sure thing ever in life. That's why you have to always make sure you are your #1 priority.

 

It's weird. I already feel halfway over him. I still am in love with him, but I can see his faults more clearly. If it is over, and he doesn't want to try to fix our relationship, then so be it.

 

I know I am a wonderful person. I have my faults, of course, but I am loving, kind, loyal and have a lot to offer a relationship. I feel like I am what most guys want. I was everything he ever wanted. But it takes two to tango, and I do not take full responsibility for the issues in our relationship.

 

Beautiful moment of insight and clarity Panda.

[pandagirl]

Beautiful moment of insight and clarity Panda.

 

Thanks, Kamille.

 

The reason I know I really love him, is because I'm willing to let this relationship go if it means he will be happier.

[pandagirl]

Ugh. Bad morning.

 

I was gone all weekend in the country with a big group of friends. I haven't talked to him in a week, and felt really stable and sane while I was away. I had moments of sadness, but for the most part, I was distracted and had a lot of fun. Maybe I was in a suspended belief of reality.

 

Now that I'm back in my own bed, I dreamed about him last night and woke up crying. I'm supposed to talk to him this week, but I don't even know what for. I don't want to reiterate the breakup all over again and undo any healing I've done, but then someplace in me, I'm like, maybe he thinks he made a mistake and wants to work it out. I don't want to think that.

 

I miss my best friend and the man who loves me. It's his birthday this week and I have to return the presents I bought him.

 

It's not fair that he was taken away from me so soon. We never had a fair chance. We never got to share our love together.

 

I wished he never left. I know I can't think like that, but it make me so angry that we never got to be together.

[Kamille]

Ah Panda. How I wish I could rush over and just hug you. Reading your last post broke my heart. I've been there.

 

All I can say is that if ever he realizes he made a mistake, he will find a clear way to let you know this. Nothing short of him showing up Long-Distance on your doorstep with flowers and a heartfelt apology. Your priority is healing. That likely means you need time before you can hang out with him.

 

I know, however, that you haven't had a post-break up conversation. I've always had them after every break up and all I can say is that they're bittersweet. They definitely set me back every time. In your case, what could it possibly change? The distance is still there, his workaholism is still there, he'll still struggle to open up and rely on you as one would a partner.

 

Give yourself time.

[Hopelesslyforgotten]

Panda I swear we are literally on the same timetable or something!! I woke up today feeling like hell...i mean, i've been crying pretty much all day...AND i caved in Panda...i texted him :/

 

That is really crazy that your ex's bday is next week...my ex's bday is the week after....wth is going on with Virgo men!!

 

I know time is only supposed to help but I feel like I am only getting more miserable...I thought I was doing ok, but now I literally associate EVERYTHING with a memory of us...and it only keeps reopening those wounds. This hurts so much and I just wish everything was different.

[pandagirl]

Ah Panda. How I wish I could rush over and just hug you. Reading your last post broke my heart. I've been there.

 

All I can say is that if ever he realizes he made a mistake, he will find a clear way to let you know this. Nothing short of him showing up Long-Distance on your doorstep with flowers and a heartfelt apology. Your priority is healing. That likely means you need time before you can hang out with him.

 

I know, however, that you haven't had a post-break up conversation. I've always had them after every break up and all I can say is that they're bittersweet. They definitely set me back every time. In your case, what could it possibly change? The distance is still there, his workaholism is still there, he'll still struggle to open up and rely on you as one would a partner.

 

Give yourself time.

 

Aw, thanks Kamille. Being back has really thrown me for a loop.

 

The thing is, I don't know if he even necessarily made a mistake. Things got so difficult, and without seeing each other and what each of us were going through individually, we just couldn't get past it. It's like we had a succession of little fights that we never fully resolved, when maybe all it needed were some hugs and time together to reconnect and get on solid grounding again.

 

I just don't want the last time we talk to be this horrible emotional conversation in the middle of the night. I need to understand better what was going through his head. Why did he pull away? He never opened up to me. If the answer is simply he doesn't have it in him to be in a relationship at this point in his life, I could actually understand that. If the answer is he met someone else or fell out of love with me, I would accept that. But he never communicated anything to me, except that he still loved me despite his distance.

 

I just miss him. I miss how we used to be, always happy and joking and enjoying each other. It's like our lives haven't been matching up lately: he's been over here, I've been other there, and it's caused such issues. But I know when we were able to be together and feel connected, things were so easy. That was the best thing about us.

 

I just feel robbed. It's the first I've ever felt loved so much by someone, and I don't know why he can't be here anymore.

[pandagirl]

I know it would hurt 100x more, but I wish he just told me he left me because he didn't love me anymore, or that he met someone else, he cheated, or was mean or awful to me.

 

Instead I'm left with this feeling that we broke up in large part to circumstances. That he wasn't making me happy, because he was was unhappy with his life. That he wanted to make me stop hurting. We tried to fight the distance, but it got to be too much for the both of us.

 

I know I need to move on. I need to let go. I just feel like we had something so good and for whatever reason, we couldn't make it work.

[pandagirl]

I'm scared. I don't know how to cope with my emotions.

 

I feel like I can't let go unless I see him again.

[Kamille]

You do realize love is an addiction right?

 

Right now you're in withdrawal. You're not only in withdrawal, you're quitting. For good. It gets worse before it gets better. Just try to ease your way through the rough parts , as much as you can. Take deep breaths, keep forcing yourself to go out, stay active and take care of yourself.

[pandagirl]

You do realize love is an addiction right?

 

Right now you're in withdrawal. You're not only in withdrawal, you're quitting. For good. It gets worse before it gets better. Just try to ease your way through the rough parts , as much as you can. Take deep breaths, keep forcing yourself to go out, stay active and take care of yourself.

 

I'm trying to stay as active as possible, because I know it really helps. But it doesn't help that I work from home. By myself.

[pandagirl]

I've had some tough days lately, but today is a new emotion: anger.

 

In the three times I've talked to my ex since we broke up (I'm doing NC for myself now), I've asked him each time: "What happened? Why did you pull away from me?"

 

Each time he says the same thing, "I told you already. I just don't know what I'm doing, I feel lost, I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself." The last time I asked him he said, "Panda. I told you already! That's the reason, it's just not what you want to hear!"

 

So, fine. I have to accept this vague answer. The thing is I understand. In the last two years of his life, he's graduated, lost his job, moved three times and lived in three cities. He hasn't seemed very happy which coincided with him pulling away.

 

But -- what the hell! Is this is really the reason why he grew so distant, why couldn't he just ever communicated how he was feeling instead of shutting down and pushing me away. He's a very caring person, but when it comes to admitting his own weaknesses and emotions, he can't do it. He once told me: "I don't understand the point in being sad, because it's unproductive."

 

I angry. I'm angry that he couldn't just lean on me for support or talk to me about how he was feeling; instead he just internalized all of it, and withdrew from me. It hurt me so much. He gradually just faded, and the more I pushed, he just pulled away, because never wanted to even deal with anything, because soon, I became a source of what he was feeling bad about, and didn't want to deal with either.

 

I'm angry at his parents for not loving him the way he should have been loved as a child. My best friend (a psychologist) told me that we have different emotional attachment styles, saying he sounds like he's "dismissive-avoidant." I just looked it up and found this:

 

"With Dismissive-Avoidant, your tendency in times of uncertainty or emotional unrest will be to withdraw and pretend you don't need your girlfriend. And the more she pursues you, the more aloof and disinterested you might appear to her, to keep her back. You're using space (physical and emotional) to avoid dealing with the anxiety of the relationship."

 

I mean, this is exactly that happened. It just makes me so angry and so sad, too. If this is the way he is, fine, I can't be with someone like that. But it's that I know he has the feeling -- very much so -- but can't deal with them.

 

I was the one person who he depended on at all for any kind of emotional support. I considered him to be one of my handful of best friends, and I know I WAS his best friend. The last time I talked to him, on his birthday, he sounded so sad. I asked him what was wrong, and he just sort of said, "Eh." And I said, "You sound upset, are you ok?" Him: "I dunno." Me: "Seriously, what's going on?" Him: "Whatever. Nothing."

 

I'm pissed. I was his girlfriend. I loved him. And he couldn't bare to turn to me when he was upset. Screw that. But it also breaks my heart because I don't want him to live the rest of his life like that.

[Kamille]

But -- what the hell! Is this is really the reason why he grew so distant, why couldn't he just ever communicated how he was feeling instead of shutting down and pushing me away. He's a very caring person, but when it comes to admitting his own weaknesses and emotions, he can't do it. He once told me: "I don't understand the point in being sad, because it's unproductive."

 

Yikes.

 

He reminds me of my sister. She refuses to be sad. She's amazingly caring, but she will never ever let her own emotions shine through, unless they're positive emotions.

 

My current therapist has helped me understand that I have no choice but to accept that those are my sister's coping strategies. And, so far, those have worked for her, so she has no reason to change them. The bottom line is: I can't change her.

 

But I couldn't for the life of me imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone like my sister. I know I would want to change my partner all the time. I like emotional intimacy. I like when bf allows himself to be vulnerable. I like feeling like he leans on me for support.

 

So, go anger! Just another step that comfirms: as much as you love him, he wasn't the right guy for you.

[pandagirl]

Yikes.

 

He reminds me of my sister. She refuses to be sad. She's amazingly caring, but she will never ever let her own emotions shine through, unless they're positive emotions.

 

My current therapist has helped me understand that I have no choice but to accept that those are my sister's coping strategies. And, so far, those have worked for her, so she has no reason to change them. The bottom line is: I can't change her.

 

But I couldn't for the life of me imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone like my sister. I know I would want to change my partner all the time. I like emotional intimacy. I like when bf allows himself to be vulnerable. I like feeling like he leans on me for support.

 

So, go anger! Just another step that comfirms: as much as you love him, he wasn't the right guy for you.

 

Yeah! Go anger! haha.

 

Has your sister had many successful relationships? Do you think it's due to her relationships with your parents?

 

He always said he's not an emotional person, that he wasn't sensitive. I don't know if I believe that even now; it's more like he just pushes everything down inside, because I have seen things affect him before. He gets upset about his father, or I can hear his emotion in his voice when something is bothering him, but he just won't ever come clean. Just like the last time I talked to him, he said: "Panda, just because I appear one way, it doesn't mean it's how I really feel."

 

I saw his stoic nature and strength as something that complemented me, because he was so unwavering in his support towards me. In retrospect, I realize this was more a result of him unable to go any deeper within his own emotions.

 

It's so sad. So so sad. I know I made him feel vulnerable and emotionally off-kilter. I can be a handful. I remember that way he looked at me when I last visited. I could tell he desperately wanted to be there, to love me, but he didn't know how. He looked completely lost at what to do and how to deal with me.

 

And he just faded away.

 

He's not my responsibility. We're not together. But I want to yell at him: "I love you. I am here for you. You can't run away." Who else is going to love him like I could.

Edited September 14, 2010 by pandagirl

[pandagirl]

Since I last wrote in this thread, things have been good. I took a trip back home, surrounded myself with my family and friends. I felt positive about the future and excited about improving myself.

 

It's been 25 days since we brokeup, and 14 since we last talked. Not very long, but it seems like an eternity. Last night, for the first time in a bit, I felt really down and cried myself to sleep.

 

I'm simultaneously angry and sad about everything. In our 10 months together, we probably only spent 9 weeks in the same place. We were always coming-or-going. We met, I promptly left for a two week trip, I came back, he moved a month later to a different city. We had planned so many things together. We were in love. He always told me when I felt upset, "Don't worry, we're going to be together for a long time." We just thought we'd get through this year apart. I know this is how all love stories end, with broken promises and hopes crushed, but we just felt so confident.

 

I'm angry because he didn't treat me the way I deserved to be. I know he deeply cared for me, and we both could be difficult to handle, but in retrospect, he never really opened himself up to me. And maybe I was just blind to them, because of the way he always told me he was in love with me, but our first real fight was in May. I brought up moving down there for a month or two, and he vetoed the idea, even though he was the one who suggested it in the beginning. He just said he, "needed to be alone right now at this point in his life and focus on work." He back peddled from that statement, but it was really my first indication that he wasn't as committed to this relationship as he let on. Also: that he was horrible at compromising his needs to meet mine.

 

This sounds bitter and I know it's the wrong emotion to feel, but I hope he really regrets his actions and decisions. I know I played a part in our breakup, but I really didn't deserve to be treated the way I was toward the end of our relationship. He took a girl who just wanted to love him and have love in return, and shut me out. He made me feel like I was nagging him for attention.

 

I'm a good person, a loving person, an understanding and compassionate person, and this is the way he treated me -- by ignoring me and withdrawing from me. He knew he was doing it, too, and every time it hurt so much. He never explained to me why he pulled away, until it was too late. That wasn't fair. That whole process almost hurt more than the actual break up.

 

He'll never find someone like me again, and I hope he knows that. No one will love him more or be as accepting of him as I was. I know that isn't the point of relationships, to compare, but I'm a really good, kind-hearted person. He's an idiot for letting me go, because I know I'm awesome! haha. He was lucky to have me.

 

Thing happen for a reason. I can accept this breakup and move on. But my heart breaks when I think about how we were in love and never even got to be together.