Where to turn?

[worlybear]

But you have to go on. You may feel like giving up but each new day brings new experiences- there are loads of things for you to do with your life.

I'm not trying to minimise your hurt, believe me I know what its like for the love of your life to walk out (happened to me after 27 yrs of marriage and 5 children) and how devastating it is. Its pretty much like being run over by a tank:sick:

You can't breathe,eat,sleep- in fact the only thing that appears to work is your mind and that goes into overload which is exhausting and debilitating.

So....practicalities.

Get yourself to the doc and tell him/her how you feel.Meds or not? Take his/her advice.

Have a notebook by your bed and try to get some of your feelings down onto paper- doesn't matter if its dis-jointed or tear-stained, writing it down gives you a measure of control over how you are feeling.

Watch/re-watch favourite shows, tv series.

Read/re-read favourite books.

Make yourself do one positive thing each day however small.

Smile at least 3 people and say g'day - you'll be surprised what a lift it gives you when people smile back and respond to YOU.

YOU are your own person. Unique. You are NOT a substandard being who's only aim in life is to idolise another human.

What do you want to do with YOUR life?

Are there people, communities,children,animals who could benefit from your skills?

Start living your life for YOU and not somebody else.

(Apologies for the long spiel, I confess its as much as for my benefit as yours and it would be good to compare "notes".)

Time to stop reacting to all the c*** thats been dumped on you and get yourself pro-active!!

A call at arms to all dumpees to get back out there and LIVE!

I think the more fully your life becomes,the easier it is to deal with the cheating and you also get the bonus of confusing the s*** out of your ex ,who ,narcissistic as ever is not expecting you to move on!

PLEASE RESPOND!

[willowthewisp]

But you have to go on. You may feel like giving up but each new day brings new experiences- there are loads of things for you to do with your life.

I'm not trying to minimise your hurt, believe me I know what its like for the love of your life to walk out (happened to me after 27 yrs of marriage and 5 children) and how devastating it is. Its pretty much like being run over by a tank:sick:

You can't breathe,eat,sleep- in fact the only thing that appears to work is your mind and that goes into overload which is exhausting and debilitating.

So....practicalities.

Get yourself to the doc and tell him/her how you feel.Meds or not? Take his/her advice.

Have a notebook by your bed and try to get some of your feelings down onto paper- doesn't matter if its dis-jointed or tear-stained, writing it down gives you a measure of control over how you are feeling.

Watch/re-watch favourite shows, tv series.

Read/re-read favourite books.

Make yourself do one positive thing each day however small.

Smile at least 3 people and say g'day - you'll be surprised what a lift it gives you when people smile back and respond to YOU.

YOU are your own person. Unique. You are NOT a substandard being who's only aim in life is to idolise another human.

What do you want to do with YOUR life?

Are there people, communities,children,animals who could benefit from your skills?

Start living your life for YOU and not somebody else.

(Apologies for the long spiel, I confess its as much as for my benefit as yours and it would be good to compare "notes".)

Time to stop reacting to all the c*** thats been dumped on you and get yourself pro-active!!

A call at arms to all dumpees to get back out there and LIVE!

I think the more fully your life becomes,the easier it is to deal with the cheating and you also get the bonus of confusing the s*** out of your ex ,who ,narcissistic as ever is not expecting you to move on!

PLEASE RESPOND!

 

Hi worlybear,

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

The trouble is I am living my life, I have achieved a lot since my X left, I have gone back to school and am embarking on a whole new career. The problem is that despite all this, it isn't getting better, it's getting worse. It's been a year and a half since he left, I should be getting better, but I'm not. The pain and depression is getting worse and worse and I just don't see the point of continuing to struggle with it when I seems it is never going to go away. There is only so long that you can keep telling yourself things will get better, when the evidence is to the contray.

 

I've seen the doctor, many times, no meds they don't think I need them.

 

It seems the longer I am away from him the worse it gets, not better. I have tried to find happiness in other things, in school, in work, in reading etc doesn't work. I know it sounds silly, people say he is just one man, but not to me he isn't, life just isn't worth living without him.

 

He didn't cheat. I just wasn't good enough for him. As for confusing him, well he wouldn't even know, he cut me out of his life completely, I haven't seen or spoken to him in 18 months, we don't live near each other - he cut me out like a cancer, he treated me like I had done something dreadful to him, made me homeless and showed no regard for my physical or emotional well being. My "sin"? He wanted to spend more time hanging out with his friends.

Edited September 12, 2010 by willowthewisp

[willowthewisp]

I don't know how you cope Worly, 25 years and five children, you must be very strong.

 

Well, I have an IC appointment, a week Friday, I'm going to give it a go, my last shot if you like-hence the thread title "where to turn", if this fails well then I don't think there will be any other coping resource left to turn to.

[worlybear]

In my humble opinion there are 2 things you could do to help yourself.

1. Change your doctor/medical practice- do not dismiss the use of meds in the short-term. Find a sympathetic doc and TELL HIM THE TRUTH that you are really not coping.

2. If you can, sign up for cbt counselling(check the phone book for numbers)-you need to learn some new coping strategies.

He may not technically be a cheater but he let you down big time and you need to realise that he is the one with the problem-not you!

Hang on in there :bunny:

[YSS]

willow - thank you for responding and letting us know how you are doing. If I may, I would like to offer you a different perspective.....you mentioned that you had been with your EX for two decades, is it reasonable to expect yourself to be over him in 18 months? 20 years versus 18 months...seriously. I think you need more time, to boot, you did not want the relationship to end, it takes monthS just to absorb that he is gone, yet, cope with all the other stages of grieving. You need to give yourself a break. Perhaps this maybe the thinking of doctors not to give you meds....my dear, you are grieving and this will take quite some time. What that magical number of months to pass until you feel better...no one knows and thinking too far ahead only makes matters worse. For now, just focus one day at a time. You can't think a year or two from now. Just today and when tomorrow comes worry about that then.

 

From your post, you have taken steps to better your life with going back to school, a new career and the other things you list. For someone having been through the ringer...wow, you managed to focus on school and accomplish it to lead you to a new career. Thats awesome, give yourself some damn credit.

 

Willow - having invested two decades with this man and the decision to part not being yours, you are still invested. Don't be angry with yourself cause he still consumes your mind and heart. Its normal, however, be kind to yourself during this grieving process. It took me two full years to get over someone that I was only with a few years. It took a really long time.....its doesn't matter how long it takes, you will get there. i know what it feels like to be completely cut out of someone's life...it took me a long time to realize that such actions speak more of him (person doing the cut off) than you. Trust me, its a reflection of his inability to want to deal or face up to waht he has done. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you do that? Probably not - his compasion radar is busted shall we say. Regardless, you need to just take this one day at a time and perhaps it is worthwhile to revisit medication with your doctor. It may very well help adn its worth exploring.

 

Belive me, your feelings are not abnormal. There are days, I layed my head on that pillow and prayed I just would not wake up the next day. The pain is real.....it will pass. Hang in there and thanks again for posting and responding.

[You Go Girl]

Sounds like it is time to take this man off that pedestal. What kind of person ups and leaves 20 years without an honest explanation? (yes, he lied because it wasn't about hanging with friends)

 

So just how great is he really? He couldn't even be honest about why he was leaving. Cop out. Weasel. Wimp. Spineless.

 

Sounds like it's time to prop yourself up on a bit of a pedestal. Get angry! You have achieved much, and are on your way to a new career. Stop defining yourself by this person. Scream "I'm worth it! I'm worth love! I'm worth living! I'm worth being here and enjoying life as much as he is!" "I want to live too!" Run outside and scream it!

[willowthewisp]

i know what it feels like to be completely cut out of someone's life...it took me a long time to realize that such actions speak more of him (person doing the cut off) than you. Trust me, its a reflection of his inability to want to deal or face up to waht he has done. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you do that? Probably not - his compasion radar is busted shall we say.

 

No of course I wouldn't have done the same, but then I would never have walked without trying first, I would have afforded his feelings some consideration and our relationship some respect by honouring it by expressing my unhappiness and trying to deal with the problems first. He said he wanted NC because being in contact with me was preventing him from moving on. So after two decades and being together from high school, he doesn't want me in his life in any way shape or form. I must be a terrible person for someone to want that.

 

Sounds like it is time to take this man off that pedestal. What kind of person ups and leaves 20 years without an honest explanation? (yes, he lied because it wasn't about hanging with friends)

 

So just how great is he really? He couldn't even be honest about why he was leaving. Cop out. Weasel. Wimp. Spineless.

 

Sounds like it's time to prop yourself up on a bit of a pedestal. Get angry! You have achieved much, and are on your way to a new career. Stop defining yourself by this person. Scream "I'm worth it! I'm worth love! I'm worth living! I'm worth being here and enjoying life as much as he is!" "I want to live too!" Run outside and scream it!

 

YGG, my take on the varying "reasons" he gave after leaving is that he felt my arguing with him in the past (because these arguments had ceased largely a long time ago), about how much time he spent at work, at work related events with clients and with friends amounted to me being controlling. I on the other hand just wanted to spend some time with him, it seems my requests were unreasonable in his eyes, but instead of telling me this he "appeared" during arguments to be reaching a compromise with me. After such discussions I would always check he was happy with what we had agreed upon and revisit it later as well, to make sure we were both still happy.

 

However, on another occasion he told me he wasn't sure why he had left but he thought it was just because he wanted to be single - this was a long phone conversation, he was very clear and very adamant that this was the reason, even followed it up with a text to say he was being honest and that it was nothing to do with me, he just had never been single and wanted to be. A few weeks later and he was back to blaming me, "You're the problem". Of course, he had a GF within 10 months so we know the single excuse is BS.

 

You mentioned he is a liar, well you got that one spot on. He lied A LOT. Although I never realised at the time, only looking back. What troubles me most is his reason for lying, for not addressing, for not saying he was unhappy - he said he wanted to avoid hurting me or an argument. Does this mean I am too difficult to discuss things with? Too scary to approach? That is how it feels to hear him say that. I would hate to be that way. If this is so then I am to blame and I can't stand the thought that I deserved this and that I caused this, I did it to myself-ruined my own life.

 

Have I put him on a pedestal? I don't know, to me he was the most wonderful person alive, he had faults, like anyone, but I loved him. His word and opinion means a lot to me and that's why when he says I am to blame, I figure, well I must be. I can't beleive I ruined my own happiness, why was I so stupid?

[willowthewisp]

Well, the rollarcoaster continues. Today I don't blame myself, it tends to come in waves I guess, some days I think I was to blame for him leaving and others I feel he has the issue, whatever that may be and I did not deserve to be left when I had not even been told there was a problem, after all that time, that is very very wrong.

 

I don't intend to get into a relationship until I have dealt with this in counselling, I think to do so would be foolhardy, but I am starting to feel that I would like to meet someone. Or at least I would like to know that there can be the possibility of meeting someone, it would be nice to recieve a bit of interest I guess. However, I don't seem to get any interest! At first I thought maybe b/c I am down I am giving out the wrong vibe or something, but like I said some days I am up. Hmmm, sorry this post is very disjointed, I don't know what I am asking for advice on here, just typing my thoughts out really.

 

I guess I am scared I will end up alone. I feel that my X has stolen my life from me, I gave him all those years, the best years, my youth, I was loyal, faithful, loving, caring and appreciative of him and he took all that, used it and then threw me out like garbage. I feel cheated, if he didn't want me then why keep me all that time, he took away my chance of happiness with someone else. I look around me at school and see a lot of young 20 somethings, all pairing up, embarking out at the start of their careers and a romanance together, one that may possibily lead to a lifetime shared and I feel so damm cheated, my chance has gone, but not b/c I did something, but b/c it was TAKEN from me.....

[willowthewisp]

Oh who am I kidding, it's never going to get better, this is always going to be with me.

[YSS]

I guess I am scared I will end up alone. I feel that my X has stolen my life from me, I gave him all those years, the best years, my youth, I was loyal, faithful, loving, caring and appreciative of him and he took all that, used it and then threw me out like garbage. I feel cheated, if he didn't want me then why keep me all that time, he took away my chance of happiness with someone else. I look around me at school and see a lot of young 20 somethings, all pairing up, embarking out at the start of their careers and a romanance together, one that may possibily lead to a lifetime shared and I feel so damm cheated, my chance has gone, but not b/c I did something, but b/c it was TAKEN from me.....

 

Willow, its completely normal to feel this way and to have the ups and downs you are experiencing. I know too well the feeling of "being cheated". However, at some point, in the years you were together, there must of been things about him that were not all fantastic. Right now, you can only feel what you have lost - in terms of what you know to be great of him...but there are also his flaws. His flaws contributed to the ending of this relationship. just the fact he goes back and forth with taking responsibility adn then blaming you.....doesn't sound too mature and considerate of a person. Like you said, you would of afforded your relationship the chance to get through the rough patch for all the time and love invested and he doesn't....its not a reflection of you. You can't see that right now, but its about him. Cause if he had done that, worked through the issue and then he could of walked away without blame anywhere. KNowing you both had tried your best. The shifting of blame like a ping-pong is obvious of someone who does not have his **** together.

Willow - you are grieving and with it comes the rollercoaster of emotions. Its not fun, but you need to go through this to get to the other side. You are having the "momnets" of wanting to get to the other side - of meeting someone esle. Eventually, those moments will last longer and the horrible feeling of loss and your life being turned upside down will lessed. You can't fathom that right now....it will happen, it has to happen. However, it will take time. During this time, you need to be kind to yourself.

 

I would highly recommend the book "rebuilding when your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. They have a website where they offer support groups (face to face sessions) at www.rebuilding.org

 

I would encourage you to check it out. The book is a like a guide to in all that you are feeling. Keep posting. Our ears are open to listen.

[trippi1432]

Willow - at the end of it all, he is just a man....he is not a God. Purely capable of making mistakes as he is not perfect by any means....in truth, none of us are.....men or women. It is okay to love in spite of the imperfections, but it is not okay to take those imperfections on as a part of you. You define you, knowing yourself is the most important step you can take in overcoming and recovering from this.

 

It's not about him anymore sweetie, it's about you and what makes you happy. Is he part of the equation of where you are today, yes....but you still haven't finished the equation. There is so much more to finish....so much more to the story of your life, so much more to you that you haven't even started to discover yet...that is something to look forward to rather than looking back.

[You Go Girl]

he doesn't want me in his life in any way shape or form. I must be a terrible person for someone to want that.

 

YGG, You mentioned he is a liar, well you got that one spot on. He lied A LOT. Although I never realised at the time, only looking back. What troubles me most is his reason for lying, for not addressing, for not saying he was unhappy - he said he wanted to avoid hurting me or an argument. Does this mean I am too difficult to discuss things with? Too scary to approach? That is how it feels to hearhim say that. I would hate to be that way. If this is so then I am to blame and I can't stand the thought that I deserved this and that I caused this, I did it to myself-ruined my own life.

 

Have I put him on a pedestal? I don't know, to me he was the most wonderful person alive, he had faults, like anyone, but I loved him. His word and opinion means a lot to me and that's why when he says I am to blame, I figure, well I must be. I can't beleive I ruined my own happiness, why was I so stupid?

 

There it is! You blame yourself. That is the reason for all your unending angst.

Too scary to approach? Naw. He just didn't WANT TO.

You do see the difference, don't you?

[willowthewisp]

There it is! You blame yourself. That is the reason for all your unending angst.

Too scary to approach? Naw. He just didn't WANT TO.

You do see the difference, don't you?

 

YGG, no I really don't? He didn't want to because? Well, whatever the reason must be something I did to make him not want to because why would someone want to throw away all those years and love by not approaching unless there was a reason?

[You Go Girl]

YGG, no I really don't? He didn't want to because? Well, whatever the reason must be something I did to make him not want to because why would someone want to throw away all those years and love by not approaching unless there was a reason?

 

Let's pretend for sake of discussion that this is one of his character flaws. (I really believe we're not pretending here--because where is the man, the adult, the conflict resolution person, the upfront honest person who holds communication as a value and doesn't toss the marriage in the trash without trying to fix it first? Enough said to prove my point!)

Back to my theory. If it's HIS character flaw, why do you reflect it upon yourself?

His decisions are his to own, not yours! Only your decisions are yours to own! Proof in the pudding: He chose to end the marriage without discussion nor attempts at mending it. You didn't chose this! He did! He owns that decision! You don't own it!

If you're asking yourself if you're so incredibly creepy that there was no point in even talking about it, then raise that concern to your counselor, because your self-esteem has hit the bottom, and the only way to go is up.

We're all set in our ways in some fashion, we're all non-malleable to some degree, but if he had some incompatibility with you, he could have spelled it out. It's the least he could have done before walking away from such a long marriage.

He was spineless, pure and simple. He didn't stay and fight, he ran. He's a COWARD FOR NOT TRYING!

 

And read Trippi's post again--the second paragraph in particular. She's been where you are, and she's making progress. Her thoughts are exactly the path to healing. If you've followed her posts the last year, you can see the progress from the defeatist attitude to the healthy one she now radiates.

Edited September 16, 2010 by You Go Girl

[willowthewisp]

Let's pretend for sake of discussion that this is one of his character flaws. (I really believe we're not pretending here--because where is the man, the adult, the conflict resolution person, the upfront honest person who holds communication as a value and doesn't toss the marriage in the trash without trying to fix it first? Enough said to prove my point!)

Back to my theory. If it's HIS character flaw, why do you reflect it upon yourself?

His decisions are his to own, not yours! Only your decisions are yours to own! Proof in the pudding: He chose to end the marriage without discussion nor attempts at mending it. You didn't chose this! He did! He owns that decision! You don't own it!

If you're asking yourself if you're so incredibly creepy that there was no point in even talking about it, then raise that concern to your counselor, because your self-esteem has hit the bottom, and the only way to go is up.

We're all set in our ways in some fashion, we're all non-malleable to some degree, but if he had some incompatibility with you, he could have spelled it out. It's the least he could have done before walking away from such a long marriage.

He was spineless, pure and simple. He didn't stay and fight, he ran. He's a COWARD FOR NOT TRYING!

 

And read Trippi's post again--the second paragraph in particular. She's been where you are, and she's making progress. Her thoughts are exactly the path to healing. If you've followed her posts the last year, you can see the progress from the defeatist attitude to the healthy one she now radiates.

 

You're right YGG. He did have a problem with conflict, which he blamed on his parents, or so he told me at the end. He also said he felt we weren't compatible, so an interesting choice of words you used there. He said he couldn't be bothered to try, too much effort needed and he had lost his feelings for medue to the way I had behaved ie asking for him to spend more time with me instead of with friends.

 

It's interesting you mention self esteem because when you say he is a coward, I instantly hear "you are scary, you were unapproachable, he had something to fear", I think partly because he told me I was to blame as I was too strongly opinionated and forceful with those opinions. Blame at my door again.

 

He went on to say how he felt liberated upon leaving me and how he wanted someone who was easy going. He used the words "you're the problem".

 

Part of the reason I have not begun to date yet is that I don't feel I have anything to offer anyone, that I am not good enough for anyone to want me. I am also scared to get hurt again because I already hate myself, I don't think I could handle any more rejection. I am always the sensible girl, the one who wants to do everything right, don't jump into a relationship because it will be rebound, get yourself sorted first, make sure you are healthy first. Yet I hate being single, I hate not having someone to care for and who cares for me. I am also terrified of being with someone else, I have only ever been with my X from high school, I have never met anyone about who I felt I could have a relationship with had I of not been with my X, if that makes sense? What I mean is, I have never had feelings for anyone other than my X and I can't imagine having any feelings for anyone else, it feels alien to me. Basically I'm petrrified, yet I want so badly to move on with my life, to get this self esteem problem sorted out and find someone to share the rest of my life with.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling.

[1/2moon]

want so badly to move on with my life, to get this self esteem problem sorted out and find someone to share the rest of my life with.

 

Ok - see your words above, your words in BOLD - Read them outloud, read them agin and now print/write these words out. Put them next to your toothbrush adn every AM and every night you repeat this to yourself outloud. Those words are your sincerest desires, your motivators, your WORDS. If you mean it (which I know you do), you will with time start to put actions around them to achieve it. You will begin to explore what is holdign you back from reaching this and dealing with it with yoru counsellor. I promise you it will happen, cause when anyone is clear on what they want, like you do above in BOLD it will happen. Not over night, not sure when, but IT WILL.

 

Willow - I am being serious/sincere here.....YGG was bang on when she said "He's a COWARD FOR NOT TRYING!". That's on him. You are NOT the coward, you wanted to resolve conflict and work through it. You are not the coward in that you also want what has been bolded above - to heal, to find peace, to find worth and to find love. In your moments of rock bottom and despair, repeat those words. Those words belong to you.

[trippi1432]

You're right YGG. He did have a problem with conflict, which he blamed on his parents, or so he told me at the end. He also said he felt we weren't compatible, so an interesting choice of words you used there. He said he couldn't be bothered to try, too much effort needed and he had lost his feelings for medue to the way I had behaved ie asking for him to spend more time with me instead of with friends.

 

So, you weren't compatible....he couldn't handle conflict and blamed his parents, you made a simple request which as a husband he should have taken seriously....notice the pattern of blaming everyone but himself....he controls that, not you....not your battle even.

 

It's interesting you mention self esteem because when you say he is a coward, I instantly hear "you are scary, you were unapproachable, he had something to fear", I think partly because he told me I was to blame as I was too strongly opinionated and forceful with those opinions. Blame at my door again.

 

So you were just supposed to not have an opinion? I see the pattern here, because you had an opinion that fell on deaf ears you had no choice but to be forceful with those opinions....had he been half a husband to you, you wouldn't have had to be forceful with those opinions, you would have been respected for having them.

 

He went on to say how he felt liberated upon leaving me and how he wanted someone who was easy going. He used the words "you're the problem".

 

You were the problem, I will give you this but not as a reason to allow him to continue having power and control over your life....you were the problem because you were a symbol of the fact that he was supposed to be sharing a life with you....it interfered with his selfishness. I know it doesn't feel like liberation right now for you....but you will see it one day...you have to liberate yourself and free yourself from the guilt that he obviously will not recognize. It isn't you.....

Part of the reason I have not begun to date yet is that I don't feel I have anything to offer anyone, that I am not good enough for anyone to want me. I am also scared to get hurt again because I already hate myself, I don't think I could handle any more rejection. I am always the sensible girl, the one who wants to do everything right, don't jump into a relationship because it will be rebound, get yourself sorted first, make sure you are healthy first. Yet I hate being single, I hate not having someone to care for and who cares for me. I am also terrified of being with someone else, I have only ever been with my X from high school, I have never met anyone about who I felt I could have a relationship with had I of not been with my X, if that makes sense? What I mean is, I have never had feelings for anyone other than my X and I can't imagine having any feelings for anyone else, it feels alien to me. Basically I'm petrrified, yet I want so badly to move on with my life, to get this self esteem problem sorted out and find someone to share the rest of my life with.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling.

 

It is about finding yourself first Willow....that person inside that saw things as she did years ago. It's hard at first thinking about life without them, but strength comes from finding out you can do things now that you would have never done before. It's there....it's a road, a path....as my mother called it...a jump.

[You Go Girl]

Again, read Trippi's post 3 times around, and then go back and read it again next week, and the week after that too.

"had he been half a husband to you, you wouldn't have had to be forceful with those opinions, you would have been respected for having them"

This is excellent from Trippi, and yes, it does point to compatibility.

 

You are a woman with opinions, a given. Show me a woman that doesn't have any, and I'll show you a scared mouse that won't leave its cage.

 

Being a woman can be tough sometimes. Often I find myself having to own the possible negative consequences of having opinions. For example, I have been loud on LS about my strong beliefs on men who are married and "use" porn.

This is a huge dealbreaker for many men, and it is a dealbreaker for me. Yet, it is who I am, and I'll be damned if I am going to sacrifice myself in order to please the majority of men in their selfish carnal desires. I realize that I have just alienated 80% of the male population with this view. You know what? It's ok! Why is it ok? Because I know the 20% left are the ones that I am possibly compatible with, and I'll be left whole regardless of whether I find one of those 20% for me or not.

It takes a strong woman to openly alienate 80% of the male population, yet I do so openly without fear, because it is a greater fear to sacrifice myself.

So who is to say that your opinions are a bad thing? They are yours. They can be adjusted over time, they are malleable. You may change your views on any given thing radically over your lifetime. But NEVER do you say to yourself--"I am going to become less of myself to please another."

 

You stand alone in this life, you came into it alone, you shall go out of it alone too. The best you can do for yourself is respect yourself, opinions and all. Nobody ever said it was going to be a cakewalk.

You know what the best rewards are for having strong opinions?

1--you debate them with others, learn opposing point of views, and understand how conflicting opinions can live side by side. If your viewpoint on any given thing is strangled and narrow, others will open your eyes to this and you will adjust your views to accomodate all of mankind.

2--Others respect you for having stood your ground on what you believe! Now there's a reward you didn't see coming. Rewarded for being strong!

It's not easy being a woman in this era. It's certainly not easy being a man either. Roles, traditions, all are in a confusing era.

But there is a man out there that will respect you for being strong, a man who will find this not a negative, but appealing.

People generally respect those who respect themselves.

[amac]

Hi Willow,

I've been following this thread and feel moved to write something. I have been through the same nightmare you're experiencing and want you to know that it WILL get better. My husband walked out on me 2 and a half years ago and I'm only now really starting to get back to myself again. What really helped me was I met someone 4 months later who I embarked on what was probably a rebound relationship but I was never in love with him, he was just a really good friend. I desperately wanted my husband back but he was cold, emotionless and nasty to me, full of anger and hatred. I know that was guilt because he was seeing someone else. He blamed me though (as they all do) and said stuff like he was scared of me and couldn't talk to me about stuff etc...yeah, yeah. He was immature and started flirting with another girl and when that happens, it snowballs and he's emotionally involved with another so you lose that connection. When he then says we're incompatible, he wants freedom, he married too young, he was never happy, that's all guilt talking and head turned by someone else. We were very happy for over 10 years and have three children. We were a tight family unit and did everything together. Why was he with me all that time if he wasn't happy or couldn't handle my 'scary' personality? It's all bull****. The qualities I have of outspokenness and strength he used to call 'sassiness' and 'sexy' and my new friend loves that about me and so do I. When a man loves you he loves everything about you and when he stops....well...you can't change that. You can't be blamed because your husband is a coward, can't or won't communicate with you, wants out. After 20 years you have been treated appallingly but that's obviously the man he is, sad to say. A real man would have respect for you and the relationship, he is a coward and immature, selfish. Go out and have a fling if you want because the best way of getting over a man is to get under another one. My friend made me feel sexy and desirable and loves my personality so I'm not unloveable, it's my husband who changed. No one's perfect, be yourself and you will find someone eventually, when you're ready, who will be steadfast and loyal. They're not all twats.

I'm no longer 'romantically involved' with my friend but he helped me get through the rough times and I'm so much stronger now. Other things that helped was to redecorate my house, take my kids on holiday, start running, find a new job I love. I lost a lot of mutual friends (which only helped compound the emotional pain) but have since made new ones and bonded more strongly with those who were there for me, you really do find out who your friends are. The first year was horrible. I was totally blindsided and shocked and off work for 6 months but I needed to rest and look after myself, don't feel guilty. I visited my doctor a few times but didn't want antidepressants, saw a counsellor for a few sessions but to be honest, found chatting to friends and getting stuff off my chest was more therapeutic. In time you will have a more balanced view of what happened but it is a rollercoaster. My doctor said initially it might take 4 years to recover from such an egregious betrayal but I'm so much better now and see a future and am independent. I don't miss my husband any more and he was my life. The past gradually becomes an old chapter as life moves on but IT DOES TAKE TIME. You go through stages, you are grieving sweetheart, please be kind to yourself just now. Later will come acceptance and then that's the turning point. What helped me was thinking that in order to be treated so badly by him and be painted the wicked witch of the west and feel his anger and wrath directed at me (which hurt more than him running to another woman actually) I would have had to have done something truly terrible to him for him to behave like that to me. And I knew I didn't. It was all his problem and how he chose to end our relationship when I would have tried anything to save it, well...he's the one with the personality flaw. He's a child. So I let him go. I'm worth more than that.

Happiness will come back to you, there IS a future out there but it is a question of time, baby steps. Take care and just focus on you for now, because you're what counts. You will be happy and you will love again. It's true.

[trippi1432]

Good post amac - I fully agree, it's the other person who changes. It's like you are both walking along on the same page in life and wham!! Suddenly, everything you were both working towards are now all the reasons they are not happy.

 

I always thought that my ex and I would retire one day back to the beach where we met and things would get better for us once the children were grown....that we would rediscover "Us". Maybe, just maybe I might finally have the man that would eventually respect me. What I didn't realize for 15 years is that I lost respect for myself and for him. Is he a coward, yes....more than that, I wish that I had more respect for myself back then to leave a truly bad situation before it left these scars on my past.

 

I was informed that these were things that he never wanted (a home with a mortgage, responsibility, retiring to the beach), the thing is, he never spoke up and stated what he wanted - he just agreed. One of the things he told me when he left and moved in with his GF was that she had a "plan" that included him. But he is still looking for someone else to direct him, to lead the way and eventually, he will "change" again and not like the "plan".

 

There is a lot to be said that when a man loves you, he loves everything about you....and when he stops, you can't change that. Mine didn't love everything about me...he let me know that everyday in some way, shape or form. In this, he alienated himself from me. Was I opinionated...YES I certainly was. I had my opinions about his drinking and gambling. I had my opinions about him spending too much time at the drinking buddy's house and the safety of our children. I had my opinions about how I was treated and how our children were treated.....and in that, I don't regret a single one of them anymore...I let that own me for the past year.

 

As YGG stated, I had a defeatist attitude....I think I actually developed it while with my ex. I didn't cook what he wanted for dinner, so I stopped cooking. I couldn't fold the laundry right, so I stopped doing the laundry and let him do it. He didn't approve of my friends, so I alienated myself from them. I didn't want to sit at the drinking buddy's house to give my blackout drunk husband a ride home, so I was unsociable. I remember being so jealous/envious even of other couple's who seemed happy and spent time together.

 

My ex was very callous with my love and how he treated me. My opinions didn't matter, he did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted...in that, we both became very selfish people. Were we both to blame, yes we were....but I refuse to wallow in my own self blame anymore nor do I care to take on what he lays as blame at my feet anymore. Life is too short and I have a lot of living left to do. Living that doesn't include him because it is not about him anymore. Was he a part of my life, yes....is he a part of my past..absolutely! There comes a time when you just have to let go to get to a healthier perspective.

 

What I have learned Willow is that I am not a bad person because my ex was a twat. I'm not a bad person because I have an opinion about things, I'm not a bad person because I see things differently than someone else. A man who respects and loves you should be able to offer his opinion and two people who care about each other should be able to have an open and mature discussion about those differences in opinion.

 

I have my life back and can make it what I want now. If the right person comes along that can treat me well, respect me and love me in spite of the fact that I am not nor ever will be perfect, then I have room in my life for them. Do I expect them to be perfect (heck yeah!!)....kidding. We are all flawed because we are human, but that doesn't make any of us unlovable. It's a struggle I know and some days are harder than others, but eventually you will get there.

[amac]

Trippi,

I have read a lot of your posts and feel for you. Your husband is an *******. You are a sensible lady who worked hard at a relationship where (sorry to say) the man didn't respect you. Let him go my love. I know that words are trite but he sounds a bit of a fanny. Just because you loved him and wanted what we all want (let's face it) you have to say goodbye. I know how it feels to accept the end of a relationship. I've had only 2 in my life. My 'high school sweetheart' (17 - 28) and 2 years later my erstwhile husband (30-39). Oh, I've been seeing another guy for the past 2 years but just called it a day because I don't love him. I'm 42 and don't give a **** because I'm still really attractive an intelligent and could net 'someone' but don't want to because I don't want to just now. Let him go and just see where life goes.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

Thanks for all the replies. YGG, Trippi and Amac your posts make a lot of sense, but somehow I don't seem to be able to shift the blame from myself.

 

amac, in your case, he got emtionally involved with someone else. YGG, yours was an alcoholic, Trippi, yours was, well quite frankly a narrcisstic twat. Mine on the other hand was loving, caring, thoughful and encouraged me to be the best me I could be. There was no one else (as far as I know, although I doubt it from things he said) so I don't see any reason for him to leave me except he wasn't happy with me. So I only have myself to blame. Oh, how I wish that weren't so. I would have done anything for that man, if I had of had an inclin that he was unhappy I would have moved heaven and earth to make it right.

 

Sould he have told me he was unhappy? Yes, of course but he had a problem with conflict so couldn't, this gradually wore away at his feelings for me until he reached the point where he had to leave. Do I beleive this? Some days yes, others no, it seems far fetched. It's like what you said amac, he wouldn't have stayed all that time if he was so unhappy. So why then? Why leave if in truth he was happy? It's non sensical.

 

This may sound mean sprited, but I hate the fact he has a new GF. Why should he get to be so happy when my life has completely fallen apart? A year and a half on and I still wake up crying everyday, still dream about him. Why does he get to be so damm happy while I am suffering and have found myself unable to stop loving him and to feel better. How much longer do I have to endure this? I can't switch it off - I wish I could. I really fear that I will never get over this, never be able to move on and that I will have to experience this pain for the rest of my life.

[trippi1432]

Hi,

 

Thanks for all the replies. YGG, Trippi and Amac your posts make a lot of sense, but somehow I don't seem to be able to shift the blame from myself.

 

amac, in your case, he got emtionally involved with someone else. YGG, yours was an alcoholic, Trippi, yours was, well quite frankly a narrcisstic twat. Mine on the other hand was loving, caring, thoughful and encouraged me to be the best me I could be. There was no one else (as far as I know, although I doubt it from things he said) so I don't see any reason for him to leave me except he wasn't happy with me. So I only have myself to blame. Oh, how I wish that weren't so. I would have done anything for that man, if I had of had an inclin that he was unhappy I would have moved heaven and earth to make it right.

 

Sould he have told me he was unhappy? Yes, of course but he had a problem with conflict so couldn't, this gradually wore away at his feelings for me until he reached the point where he had to leave. Do I beleive this? Some days yes, others no, it seems far fetched. It's like what you said amac, he wouldn't have stayed all that time if he was so unhappy. So why then? Why leave if in truth he was happy? It's non sensical.

 

This may sound mean sprited, but I hate the fact he has a new GF. Why should he get to be so happy when my life has completely fallen apart? A year and a half on and I still wake up crying everyday, still dream about him. Why does he get to be so damm happy while I am suffering and have found myself unable to stop loving him and to feel better. How much longer do I have to endure this? I can't switch it off - I wish I could. I really fear that I will never get over this, never be able to move on and that I will have to experience this pain for the rest of my life.

 

Willow - I can understand how someone can look at other people's issues and easily categorize them, I don't disagree with what you have stated for amac, YGG and myself at all, very accurate. But I feel that your problem is that you are unable to holistically see the big picture of your relationship with this man and categorize it. Therefore it just leaves the wound open and fresh.

 

Hating that he has a new GF, that's not spiteful at all, but men are men and they are going to move on in one way, shape or form. Women are women and they are fully capable of the same. We are not meant to be alone all of our lives, if we are, it is by choice.

 

Hopefully therapy will help you to see this, will help you heal and see things differently. You've stated that you had the assessment and what I am thinking is that you have PTSD...while you state they say you are mildly depressed. I fear that you are not being as open with your therapist as you are on here with complete strangers. I admit, it is much easier to be open here because it is not face to face. You are going to have to show your therapist the same "face" you show us here in order to truly get help. You are also going to have to be able to open your mind up enough to see a different perspective because kicking a dead horse is not going to help you at all sweetie.

 

It's not about him, not about why he was unhappy or what you could do to make him any happier or even about how well he treated you anymore. If he could leave you to this mentality you now have, there is something missing to the story or he simply changed what he wanted in life, which is not your fault. The fact is, as perfect as you might think your relationship was, it was not as perfect as you think....for you or for him, there is simply no such thing as a perfect relationship all the time. If you cannot see both the good times and the bad times, a healthy perspective, you will always remain a victim. I don't think that is where you want to stay, I think that you do want to move on, you know that you need to. You can't seem to shift the blame because you are stuck on only the good times in your relationship...you've blocked the bad times.

 

I will go out on a limb here because I know that you are familiar with my story from day one.....you need to talk to your therapist about the victim/martyr role in relationships that we take on when we lose a loved one. Again, not your fault or maybe something you are totally unaware of...but it's what we do to ourselves due to the cycling of pain....something I learned in therapy. It's something that we have to rise above...become aware of so we can move on and not continue down the path of internal destruction, self-blame and self-loathing.

 

Let's look at that another way, has it taken me a shorter time to heal from my ex walking out...yes, because there was more bad than good. But in that same merit, there was still self loathing, self blame and a defeatist attitude because there was not a balance where I could find a healthy perspective. Total opposite spectrum as you have now, but the same really. I had to find a balance to my internal self and see myself in my true light. It's ugly...it's a horrible place to go and a fight to get to that other side of that, but it's a battle that I am glad that I took. It was a step to rise above being manipulated and being a manipulator in my own depression because that is where depression can lead you. Getting away from that is the only path to true happiness and discovering new paths in life that lead to happiness. It's not a map....happiness is not a pre-determined path...it's what we make of it despite the challenges.

[You Go Girl]

Willow, excuse me if I have forgotten all the details, but what did he say when he told you he was leaving? Did he say that he was unhappy, and that was all he ever said?

I agree with Trippi that you can find your own path to moving on from this, and it's not a futile path, and it will happen.

However, I wonder about closure. If he said nothing except "I am unhappy" and didn't give you reasons for that unhappiness except that he wanted to "hang with his friends more" than you were cheated out of the truth of his leaving.

There's a few possibilities here. One is that he started that new R much earlier than you know. He may have hidden it from you out of not wanting to hurt your feelings, but in fact he could have hurt them much more by leaving you so confused.

Even if that new R wasn't in his life when he left you--he didn't give you the truth, and closure.

I am thinking that it can't hurt any worse to ask him now. He might just be more honest than he was when he left.

Do you know his email? Why don't you ask him in an email to spell it out for you, and that you are having a difficult time moving on because he didn't come clean as to why he left. Tell him that you need this for closure and to move on with your life. Tell him that you just want the facts, and not pity. Ask him outright if there was somebody else at the time, and that you won't judge him now, but that you need this information as to why he left you so that you can heal.

I think part of the reason Willow is having such a difficult time with this is that he never told her the truth as to what was wrong and why he was leaving.

There isn't a man on the planet that leaves his wife simply because he wants to hang with the boys more often. Those men stay married and tell their wives I'm going over to the boys house tonight.

So that excuse doesn't hold water.

My suggestion may fail and you may still have to do exactly as Trippi spelled out in the above post. You will have to do much of that work regardless of whether he offers up a better explanation.

But it could help somewhat, because you have no closure.

[willowthewisp]

Thanks for the replies. Trippi, I don't understand a lot of what you have written in your post? PTSD, by my understanding can occur after a threat to ones life of witnessing a threat to the lives of others, but not as the result of a divorce. I also don't know what you mean by the victim/martyr role of about having a healthy perspective, I can honsetly say that whilst my X was not perfect and we had our ups and downs, that throughout all of that I loved him and our relationship was a good one. Also, I'm afraid I don't know all of your story, I have been a long time lurker here but not as far back as your join date, so I am sorry if I caused you any offence by classifying your XH as an alcoholic.

 

YYG, my X did not give me any explanation to begin with, he literally left saying we weren't compatible. After, on the phone and through e-mail he gave me "reasons" which kept changing and contradicting.

 

It has crossed my mind that he was with her before he left, but he is not going to admit to that, even now, I know him, he will not want to come off as the bad guy, so whatever the real reason is he does not want to tell me and he doesn't care enough to give me that closure.

 

To be honest I don't see any way out of my current situation, no way forward and no happiness in my future again. I'm sick of feeling like this.

Edited September 19, 2010 by willowthewisp