Lost Fish Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 So... I went NC on August 1st from the ex who I had been with for over a year - friends with for 3. Essentially I went on vacation in July - came home and she was completely different. Cold. Distant. I called her on it and pushed her to talk to me and she ended up saying she needed a break. So... I gave it to her. After a week I tried to ask her to define this ambiguous "break" and she couldn't, so I told her I'd treat it like a "break up." I fear she may have cheated on me while I was on vacation and was interested enough in this new guy that she was willing to just walk away from me. It was a really hard hit to my ego and so utterly painful to just lose her so fast. So...posted here and read a lot here. I let myself mourn the relationship. I focused totally on myself. Got in shape, focused on hobbies - I've even been dating lately. It has been hard at times - especially at first - but I kept going forward. Careful to avoid facebook, not text, block her on all IM programs, etc. On August 23 she tried to IM me, somehow it went through even though she was blocked - how I have no idea. I was luckily away from the PC at the time - on lunch break at work. But when I came back, there was her screen name with the words "i miss you". That was it. I stayed strong and remained NC didn't answer her whatsoever and again made sure she was blocked. Today she emailed me. After just over a month of nothing - when we used to talk everyday. She said she's been thinking about me a lot and is really hesitant about writing me, trying to respect my pain. She said she misses me and that she feels horrible for the way she treated me and she's "sorry, like truly sorry." To me this just feels like a breadcrumb / validation - I think she's surprised that I have adhered to NC so strongly and maybe now whatever happened with her other prospective guy has fallen through. I am surprised how much this has set me back. The first time she broke NC I was able to stay strong. But just to see her words sort of brought so many things back up to the surface. It's like - I had buried my pain as well as love for her somewhere deep down and now I can feel that ache again in my gut. That loss. That yearning. Ugh. I already know that it would be foolish for me to answer her. I feel like she needs to really mature and figure herself out and even if we did reconcile who's to say she wouldn't flounder off at the next guy that flirts with her? Ugh. I know she has a low self-esteem as it is and she is reaching out to me because I'm familiar and was always there to support her when she was down. It was a selfish behavior on her part - she may have liked me but she didn't respect me. I'm mainly posting here to get my emotions out and remind myself why I need to stay NC... no new pain. I've been doing so well - sure she still is in my thoughts a lot but I also was starting to get used to a life without her with so many other lovely women in the world...lol. But I do miss her despite everything and that is what makes this all so hard. Sigh... ok going to sleep now - I knew it would be hard if she did break NC... and boy is it. Especially on these saturday nights when I'm alone in my bedroom..
Mark33 Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 but what is your goal after all, you just want to NC for the sake of NC? Do you have an end goal?
Author Lost Fish Posted September 5, 2010 Author Posted September 5, 2010 but what is your goal after all, you just want to NC for the sake of NC? Do you have an end goal? Ah, that's a great question Mark33. I think the end goal is to be happy with myself, first off. I realize now that I had slipped into "nice guy" mode with her and sort of lost myself in the relationship - let her walk all over me at the end. There was a lot of resentment floating around and we had been in this circle of fighting. She also was a bit two-faced. Things got pretty serious - we had talked about marriage, kids, jobs, where to live...etc. But at the same time I get this energy from her that she is not ready for any of that and is still more or less figuring out who she is and what she wants to do with her life. So... I think that right now the timing is off. I know if we did reconcile I'd get mired in disappointment again, and now fear her acting out and cheating again. I need to respect myself and not stand for that. If I write her back I am validating her behavior and the way she ended things so coldly. She needs to own up for her mistakes and I'm not going to give her the validation. If I wrote back now it'd essentially be saying "Even though you threw me away so easily, I will still crawl back and talk to you." She will be glad to hear from me but also lose respect for me and feel like it's ok to throw my heart away. Screw. That. I am staying NC out of respect for myself. I can't accept anything less than her owning up to her mistakes and honest commitment to make it right. I am also staying NC until I know I am totally over her. Like, if I could watch her essentially make out with another dude in front of me and not give a care. Then maybe we could be friends. But she was so deep in my heart that I don't know if it will ever be possible to be "friends". Also, I may have loved her but after walking through the s**t she put me through, I am extremely disappointed in her - I thought she was a better person... So.. that's where I stand today. Also, I met a pretty cute Russian girl who makes me giggle and she wants me to go out dancing with her, lol. We'll see... Anyway - I appreciate the replies and the forum to post my thought process as I keep moving forward through this break in my healing.
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