Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 as would most sexless husbands who post here..... Saw it on CBS Early show this week and had to roll my eyes, when everyone was saying that it worked great. I think the last year on LS, we've been told the exact opposite...... I can tell you my spouse expects me to do my share, but the last thing it does is get her in the "mood"......
crazycatlady Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 His helping out makes me feel respected and appreciated. Does it turn me on? Not in the least. Maybe if he did it naked, but that would be hard with the kids around. Call me strange but I like sex to be about sex with the person I'm with, not payment for a chore done. CCL
You Go Girl Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 A lack of doing chores can build up resentment, but doing chores is hardly a turn-on. So it's more of a precautionary measure without any instant gratification. I like CCL's idea of doing chores in the buff. Not sure the chore would get finished though...think of the cook wearing only the apron. Tough call between dinner and nookie.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 I see it as a caring act if my H hands me a glass of wine and tells me to sit and relax, while he takes over folding the laundry. And his caring acts make me feel closer to him, thus readier to get naked together. So, yep, "choreplay" works for us. But it certainly doesn't translate to: do chore, get sex. If there is a reason we are not having sex, doing a chore isn't likely to fix that. It is more part of an overall relationship between his helpful acts and me feeling loved. Overall, I'd be less attracted to him if he sat on the couch and watched me do housework by myself.
giotto Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I'm expected to do chores, so if I do them there is no reward... but I always get the "thank you" afterwards... I don't always do them, because then you turn into a doormat and a total turn-off...
Silly_Girl Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 If the man in my life sorts the gardening and comes in dirty and freshly sweaty... well, yes then. But pressing Go on the washing machine, or putting the recycling out doesn't get me hot under the collar.
crazycatlady Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 I'm expected to do chores, so if I do them there is no reward... but I always get the "thank you" afterwards... I don't always do them, because then you turn into a doormat and a total turn-off... The the reverse work? Because I would think a house would get very messy if the wife had the same attitude. Actually its not a think, its a know. Because yeah I get tired of being the door mat and will stop sometimes.
TinaniT Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 Oh, a man doing things helpful and caring for me certainly is one of the things (not only of course) that will put me the mood... not so much that the dishes are done, although it means one more thing off my list, but that he cared about me and took his time to do something to make my life easier. It's not a "reward" - it's the fact that a man being good to me, total turn on! Also, everything else he does to be good to me. And I guess something more than that I can't quite explain. Strong man doing such domestic things maybe? I dunno? Hmm. Course, I don't need much excuse with him!
Stung Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 We have young children, the beautiful Victorian flat we're renting for this year has no dishwasher, and my husband, an otherwise wonderful man, is a slob. There are times when he gets slacker-y, lets things go too long, and I start to get resentful because hey, washing and scrubbing and mending and trying to stay on top of the mindless chores mountain isn't exactly my idea of a good time, either. I absolutely hate domestic work but I do the vast majority of it mostly because I am home with the kids more than he is. Him picking up his own dirty socks or washing the occasional sink full of dishes or pushing the vacuum around doesn't make my panties melt, but him NOT doing any of those things DOES give me an aversion to having sex with him because I get pissed and start feeling like a scullery maid and counting my woes. When he is on his game and pitching in to a fair degree, and taking the kids for a little while so I can have a little alone time on the weekends--aaah, then there is zero cloud of resentment, and I have more energy because some of my needs are being met, and I am reminded of all his other wonderful qualities, and I start to appreciate how cute his ass looks in his jeans and then I rip those jeans off him once the kids are in bed. So. It's not a direct correlation, washing the dishes is not an automatic blowjob, but I do see how it all relates. I think it's a pretty common dynamic, frankly. I would never describe our marriage as 'sexless' though, and suspect that a marriage with real sex problems probably suffers from other issues, whether in conjunction with the chores stuff or separate entirely.
Meadow Blue Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I saw that on one of those talk shows several months ago - the point of the "choreplay" segment I saw wasn't that men doing chores turns women on, it was that women feel like (and actually have) more sex when their man helps out with chores, because she has more time, is more relaxed, and doesn't feel resentful about having to do it all.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 I saw that on one of those talk shows several months ago - the point of the "choreplay" segment I saw wasn't that men doing chores turns women on, it was that women feel like (and actually have) more sex when their man helps out with chores, because she has more time, is more relaxed, and doesn't feel resentful about having to do it all. Men always want sex and women will use every excuse in the book to delay it...... Trust me, I can have the house 90% done, clean & tidied and it is the 10% that will cause tension..... I can make a list (if i wanted) about all the "chores" and things done on my "honey-do" list and it get's me no closer to sex....... It is just another excuse...... "Tongue firmly planted in cheek".....
Meadow Blue Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Men always want sex and women will use every excuse in the book to delay it...... Trust me, I can have the house 90% done, clean & tidied and it is the 10% that will cause tension..... I can make a list (if i wanted) about all the "chores" and things done on my "honey-do" list and it get's me no closer to sex....... It is just another excuse...... "Tongue firmly planted in cheek"..... Oh, I wasn't aware of your situation so that was all lost on me.
Honorable_Venerable Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 I saw that on one of those talk shows several months ago - the point of the "choreplay" segment I saw wasn't that men doing chores turns women on, it was that women feel like (and actually have) more sex when their man helps out with chores, because she has more time, is more relaxed, and doesn't feel resentful about having to do it all. This works well, provided that you remember the following. What a woman needs doing to feel relaxed and non-resentful is like a gas - it expands to fill the available volume. That is to say, if all the cleaning, washing, ironing, gardening and childcare is complete, then the fact the house hasn't been painted from top to bottom will be the "one little thing" that needs doing before she can relax.
xxoo Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 This works well, provided that you remember the following. What a woman needs doing to feel relaxed and non-resentful is like a gas - it expands to fill the available volume. That is to say, if all the cleaning, washing, ironing, gardening and childcare is complete, then the fact the house hasn't been painted from top to bottom will be the "one little thing" that needs doing before she can relax. I wonder what "side" of the same story sounds like. Not that I believe yours is inaccurate--just wondering what her perspective is. Does she know that you feel this way? How does she feel about this analogy?
xxoo Posted September 6, 2010 Posted September 6, 2010 Men always want sex and women will use every excuse in the book to delay it...... Trust me, I can have the house 90% done, clean & tidied and it is the 10% that will cause tension..... I can make a list (if i wanted) about all the "chores" and things done on my "honey-do" list and it get's me no closer to sex....... It is just another excuse...... "Tongue firmly planted in cheek"..... TDP, this is your wife, not "women". Lots of women in lots of marriages want regular sex. Some have posted here on this thread. And, yes, we've acknowledged that, given a baseline of "want sex", a husband's efforts in chores can affect how enthusiastic we are for sex that day/week (positive or negative effect). But, given a baseline of "avoid sex", doing chores isn't likely to change that.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 6, 2010 Author Posted September 6, 2010 (edited) TDP, this is your wife, not "women". Lots of women in lots of marriages want regular sex. Some have posted here on this thread. And, yes, we've acknowledged that, given a baseline of "want sex", a husband's efforts in chores can affect how enthusiastic we are for sex that day/week (positive or negative effect). But, given a baseline of "avoid sex", doing chores isn't likely to change that. The point is choreplay is a joke and another way to say a woman expects more help at home from her spouse (right or wrong).... and when she get's it usually as honorable venerable says, she wants just a little more...... This is generally a female trait.... Please find me a male who avoids sex (bad word), who would say it was because their wife wasn't doing her share around the house...... xxoo, no one says that many women don't want regular sex.... However the majority I know and the stories I hear is that it is not high on the priority list for many...... When a woman has a low sex drive, there are many many reasons it could be and her spouse can and is blamed in many instances. When a man has a low sex drive, both men and women usually look at him and wonder what his problem is..... I can promise you it is not some dirty dishes left in the sink that has turned him off...... Edited September 7, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic
Stung Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) This is generally a female trait.... Please find me a male who avoids sex (bad word), who would say it was because their wife wasn't doing her share around the house...... I can promise you it is not some dirty dishes left in the sink that has turned him off...... I think you're kind of missing the point, TDP. Several women have chimed in here to explain that in their experience/opinion there CAN be a correlation, though it is not so much the fact the fact of a few dirty dishes, but the resentment created by an ongoing unequal chores distribution. The fact is that in many marriages the brunt of the domestic work required to keep house running and children cared for falls to the women, and those women often resent it and feel underappreciated. There are many, many men who turn away from sex with their wives, believe it or not; there are several threads in this forum which can attest to that. You promise it's not dish-related, okay; but can you promise it has nothing to do with resentment? What makes you think those men aren't harboring some unspoken or subsurface resentment to do with always having to pay the bills, or feeling emasculated by the way their wife speaks to them in front of their friends, or not having enough free time for golf, or feeling cut off at the knees in making decisions about the children, or feeling unappreciated/misunderstood/henpecked for any of a hundred other reasons? And, just so you know, there are hundreds of thousands of cheesy women's magazine articles devoted to just that subject, how to keep romance and passion in a marriage by making your man feel appreciated, respected, and understood--all of which would, presumably, prevent him from feeling resentful. Again, this does not necessarily apply to truly sexless marriages, in which case i would usually suspect some kind of physical or psychological malfunction on the part of one or both, or a deeper marital rift. Edited September 7, 2010 by Stung
Mr. Lucky Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Again, this does not necessarily apply to truly sexless marriages, in which case i would usually suspect some kind of ... a deeper marital rift. Can't help but agree. TDP, if we accept your posts at face value (and given their thoughtful and consistent nature, no reason not to), then it's hard not to believe that at some deeper level your wife is pretty angry at you. And I don't think that it's over who does the dirty dishes... Mr. Lucky
giotto Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Can't help but agree. TDP, if we accept your posts at face value (and given their thoughtful and consistent nature, no reason not to), then it's hard not to believe that at some deeper level your wife is pretty angry at you. And I don't think that it's over who does the dirty dishes... Mr. Lucky well, she could be angry at anything, really...
Mr. Lucky Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 well, she could be angry at anything, really...Hard to disagree but therein lies the rub. Unless he determies the root cause, he's going to be posting the same "Why doesn't she..." threads on Loveshack well into his golden years... Mr. Lucky
giotto Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Hard to disagree but therein lies the rub. Unless he determies the root cause, he's going to be posting the same "Why doesn't she..." threads on Loveshack well into his golden years... Mr. Lucky I agree, but maybe his wife doesn't know either...
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 about many things..... Chores are just something I bring up as it is something that I do a lot of, don't expect a proverbial pat on the head (or sex:laugh:), but use as an example of how us men are so confused. If it is not chores, then it can be your career, the money you bring home and what you can and can not provide. It can be your looks, weight, your ideals, your interaction with your family & children. Sex should be pretty damn easy when two people love each other and get along. What we see here on LS is what a struggle it is for so many. I am not perfect. My wife too is a very good person, but she too is not perfect either. I posted this as something I found very hilarious as did my wife..... Yes we men have said many times on here how we men have these mental checklists about the things we do to get our spouses in the mood and make life easier for them along with the little things we do and lament when they produce no results. We (at least I) are very simple with our needs and the things we do that we expect to be rewarded for:):lmao:. It is getting back to the "deeper" issues that we need to work out why..... And then to be honest, why does she have "deeper" issues and I don't when we live the same life and battle the same issues every day (and frankly I have as much if not more when you factor in my career).
Mr. Lucky Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 It is getting back to the "deeper" issues that we need to work out why.....Chances are that you won't get there unassisted. Too much to protect on both your parts. And then to be honest, why does she have "deeper" issues and I don't when we live the same life and battle the same issues every day (and frankly I have as much if not more when you factor in my career).You're going to have to choose between being right or being happy. In this case, you're "right" as you wife is not treating you fairly in this regard. But I'd guess that knowing that doesn't make you very happy... Mr. Lucky
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 7, 2010 Author Posted September 7, 2010 Chances are that you won't get there unassisted. Too much to protect on both your parts. You're going to have to choose between being right or being happy. In this case, you're "right" as you wife is not treating you fairly in this regard. But I'd guess that knowing that doesn't make you very happy... Mr. Lucky as I know things affect people in different ways. I am too worried about trying to alleviate her issues (or try and make them go away) that frankly I don't want to face my issues.... Heck, a little more sex, more stability in my career and I'd be more then happy......
TinaniT Posted September 7, 2010 Posted September 7, 2010 Men always want sex and women will use every excuse in the book to delay it...... .. That's ridiculous. I am a woman and I want sex at least every day when it can be managed, with the exception of the two weeks after my son was born. It's always been the man in my relationship that slowed it down. My ex husband included. Hell, it was listed as a primary reason my first long term boyfriend broke up with me - mismatch there. This woman/man thing is not very helpful. Some people have low sex drives, some have high, most have somewhere in between. It's not because of gender. And as I mentioned before, a man being good to me is a turn on. I don't withhold sex in absence of things but it is especially hard to keep your hands off of your man when he is doing things specifically to make your life easier!
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