Wondering whether to do it.

[silvan]

I'm what most people would call a "good girl" and I am. But lately I've been in a bit of a conundrum.

 

I think I'm falling for someone at the office. He's someone I've been working closely with for 6 years and that I'm good friends with. There's an incredible connection between us, nothing romantic, just in the way we think, our sense of humor, etc. We just really get each other.

 

I think the relationship has been subtly but surely been crossing the "friendship" boundaries; nothing has happened, but he's been throwing hints. The thing is: He's married and 20+ years older than me (I'm 30). He felt more like a father figure for a while. He's super proper and respectful, but I think if the opportunity presents itself, he'd make a move.

 

I know he cares about me, loves me even. He's had a good life but he's bored I think. His wife's nice but she's just extremely passive. If the age difference wasn't so great and the circumstances different, I think we would've had a chance. Sadly that isn't the case.

 

I wouldn't pretend for him or me to make big changes in our lives, but sometimes I feel like I want to take it to another level too. But I feel there's so much to consider. I'd feel sorry for his wife, I know her and she's incredibly nice so I'd feel guilty. I think I'd feel a little used too, even though I know he cares about me. I wouldn't want to get too attached. It'd just be for fun, because there's such chemistry between us, it almost feels natural, like the next step to take.

 

 

Would I be making a huge mistake?

Edited September 4, 2010 by silvan

[jj33]

HUGE HUGE mistake.

 

You know hes married. You suspect hes bored.

 

Think about it. If you were his W, how would you feel if your H was sleeping with someone else because he was bored?

 

Where do you expect this to go? How will it end?

 

Do you think hes going to say wow shes the one for me and leave his W?

 

 

It happens on rare occasion but more often than not, the OW falls in love the man says but you know I cant leave and you are heartbroken and you work with him... so unless you find a new job you have to face him every day at work.

 

Loads of women go into these things saying its OK, I can handle it.

 

If you can live with any guilt you may feel about his W, and if (since you posted not his W) you know yourself well enough to know that you are OK with FWB and wont feel like a total azzclown after youve been bonking him for say 6 months and realize he is staying married despite your chemistry and feelings for each other, then you will do what you will do.

 

However if you tend not to be good at FWB, then stop now.

 

By the way there is nothing "natural" about sleeping with someone else's H.

 

Think hard about your priorities the fact that you wouldnt give it a second thought if he was your age shows that either you are really OK with FWB and take the view that hes hte married one the indfidelity is not your issue, or you have issues you need to explore.

 

Unless you are totally totally 1000% OK with FWB being involved with a married man is a tough road if you actually want a full time relatoinship in your life where you and this man build a future together.

[silvan]

No, I don't think he's going to leave his wife, that's not what I'm looking for at all. I said if the cirmustances and age differences weren't an issue, I meant if he was unattached and closer to my age.

 

I know it's morally wrong. I said I'd feel guilty about his wife. I know it's not natural.

 

But just because someone is married doesn't mean they stop being human beings. This "tension" that exists between us has probably been building for years, it's just now that I've started to feel a little differently and started to question things. It's not like I'm giving into temptation. I just feel I want to take it to another level 'cause our feelings are strong.

 

Where do you expect this to go? How will it end?

 

Now this made me think. Nowhere I guess. I wouldn't stop my life for him either.

 

Thanks for your input. Believe me I never thought before being in this situation that I would even consider doing something like this! But life brings surprises, and sometimes the answer isn't as obvious as you'd think.

[jj33]

Silvan Ive been in your shoes. And the answer is obvious. Its VERY obvious.

 

 

The problem is you are not with anyone else and the temptation is strong.

 

How would you feel if after having slept with him for 6 months suddenly you werent?

 

We all say oh its OK, I could handle it. I know I thought that. And for most people its not. Some posters are able to handle it really well. They are able to do the FWB and not feel odd when its over and they see him in the hallways at meeting, flirting with other women. Its just no problem for them. But they are in the minority.

 

If the feelings are strong that is a bad sign. You arent saying hes hot and its just sex. You have feelings. People who are happy with FWB dont.

 

Believe me, its not picnic being involved with someone you work with if it doesnt go further and you fall in love with them.

 

Its a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

And you dont say that HE has been trying to start something physical. Are you planning to seduce him? Bad bad idea.

 

Are you already spending time together outside of the office? Dinners?Drinks after work? If not then what are you expecting? Quickies during lunch? Yuck. That would make a lot of people feel used and from what you said it might make you feel that way too.

[silvan]

You're right, in fact the thing that concerns me the most is how I would handle it and how I would feel. I feel I'm already somewhat emotionally attached to him.

 

We do hang out outside the office sometimes. Even that I feel is a little "weird" but I enjoy it so much, just grabbing something to eat and talking for hours. It seems harmless. He kind of has started to make physical contact, that's why I really think he could soon make a move. I was just trying to prepare myself of how I should react, would it be so horrible if I let it happen?

 

But I guess it will be 'cause I'll be the one who gets hurt the most in the end. I mentioned I might feel used because even if he's not completely happy with his wife, he has her and a marriage, and I've nothing to fall back on.

 

Funny thing is, it's him who seems to look for me the most, even though he's the married one he seems needy. I try not to text back on weekends even if he's him just saying hello. I try to play it cool, basically.

 

Do you think should I just stop hanging out with him altogether? Or just really avoid getting romantically involved, just be friends? He's really important to me and I know I am to him.

[Woman In Blue]

You're right, in fact the thing that concerns me the most is how I would handle it and how I would feel. I feel I'm already somewhat emotionally attached to him.

So it wouldn't be a giant leap at ALL to become very attached after being physical with him. Who are you trying to kid by thinking that getting physical with him wouldn't drag you into the mess even more?

 

He sounds like just about every other middle-aged married man out there - bored and looking for a thrill. And of course, it's an EXTRA ego stroke for him that you're 20 years younger than him. That'll add more spice to the story when he confides in his guy friends about what a super stud he is with the young gal at the office.

 

He kind of has started to make physical contact, that's why I really think he could soon make a move. I was just trying to prepare myself of how I should react, would it be so horrible if I let it happen?

Haven't you ever heard the expression "don't sh*t where you eat?"

You don't get a "do over" once you cross the line and the trainwreck happens - professionally AND personally, which it likely will. If things go bad, you have to WORK with this guy, every SINGLE day.

 

Geez. Is an hour of sex (hidden away in the backseat of his Volvo station wagon, no doubt) really worth all that crap? If I had a nickel for every "bored" married guy whose hit on me, I'd never have to work another day in my life.

[norajane]

Believe me I never thought before being in this situation that I would even consider doing something like this! But life brings surprises, and sometimes the answer isn't as obvious as you'd think.

 

The answer is obvious: married men are off limits, period.

 

You just don't like the answer because you have developed feelings for him, and you are lonely and he validates your ego which you probably need someone to do right now. So you're trying to find a way to make getting involved with a married man ok. And you never will find that, because it's not ok and you know that - that's why you never thought you'd be considering such a thing.

 

It's not surprising to be attracted to someone you've developed a relationship with and who makes you feel good. Happens all the time. Acting on that attraction under the circumstances will not bring you anything good, anything worth having. Furtive sex behind his wife's back is not the start of something good - it's the beginning of the end of your relationship with this man, and maybe your job, too.

[jj33]

You shouldnt be that "important" to each other. Hes married.

 

How are you hanging out in the afternoon? Arent you supposed to be working? Or do you work a shift and hang out together after?

 

 

Hes been testing you. You are spending free time with him, you are allowing him to touch you. Hes getting signals that say pass go and collect all teh money you want!

 

Next time he suggests hanging out tell him that you feel this is going in the wrong direction that you value his friendship but hes a married man and you cant hang out with him.

 

There is an article somewhere about the 5 stages of affairs. Im not sure if I recall this correctly but I think this is stage 1.

 

Stage 2 is telling him I could never do that.... Stage 3 is actually giving in to temptation.

 

Stay away from him and mean it.

 

Youve gone too far.

 

You need to develop a new mindset. Married men, offlimits.

 

Then you can be friends with them. Then they can be important to you.

 

Until then stay away. Value yourself more than the feeling of being wanted by this man.

[You Go Girl]

You're already too emotionally attached. He's married, and he's going to love messing around with you, the ego boost, and then he's going to tell you he loves you because it will make you better in bed and he will be 'feeling it' in the moment, and you are going to believe that he truly does love you because that feeling is obviously genuine at the moment he's 'feeling it'...

but you're going to imagine that he means it in a big way, that he will be there for you, that you're loved!

You are headed for one thing...it's name is heartbreak.

[silvan]

How are you hanging out in the afternoon? Arent you supposed to be working? Or do you work a shift and hang out together after?

 

Well usually we'll go eat something after work. His wife travels for work so sometimes he'll invite some of us from work (it's a small office, we're all good friends) to eat or do something but sometimes just me. He'll be moving soon to another city and will just be around a few days a month, I think that's when I realized how attached I was, I'm going to miss having him around so much.

 

You guys are right. It was a little harsh reading some of the comments, but most are dead on.

 

It's just going to be SO difficult, because I really enjoy his company too. I don't care about the physical part in this case, it's him that seems to want to take things there. But even if it hurts I think it's better to do something now, or it'll hurt 10 times more if this becomes something else along the line.

 

I'll definitely make something up next time the chance comes up to hang out. I have commented before on how it's strange, never straightforward told him it's because he's a married man, but that's implied. He just brushes it off as nonsense.

 

And just out of curiosity, why do you think a married man would do this? Is he just thinking about himself? He's really not the type to be flirting or screwing around with young girls. I guess he just wants the best of both worlds, a woman his age who'll tend to him and keep him company AND a younger one who he can actually have fun with.

 

This sucks.

Edited September 4, 2010 by silvan

[piscis]

It's just going to be SO difficult, because I really enjoy his company too. I don't care about the physical part in this case, it's him that seems to want to take things there. But even if it hurts I think it's better to do something now, or it'll hurt 10 times more if this becomes something else along the line.

 

This sucks.

 

 

Belive me Silvan it has not start sucking!!!

Please keep reading threads around here they will help you see that getting involved with a MM is a very bad decision.

If it is difficult for you now it will be much harder after you develop a relationship.

If I am sorry about something is that after being involved in an A to my MM I lost our friendship it will just never be the same and losing that has been very sad for me.

 

Do not get involved with him you will get very frustrated.

 

Hugs)))

[siuys]

Silvan, don't do it. You'd be making a HUGE mistake. Learn from the others on this forum. Save yourself the pain and anguish of seeing someone married. And 20 years difference is quite a lot - he won't be much fun after a while. When you are 40, he'll be 60. I know couples with that age gap, the gap widens as you get older too. More importantly, he is married, and if you go for it, you WILL be on a roller coaster ride and you WILL have more pain than joy. It's a given. Good luck.

[silvan]

Silvan, don't do it. You'd be making a HUGE mistake. Learn from the others on this forum. Save yourself the pain and anguish of seeing someone married.

 

So basically all the good aspects aren't worth it, right?

 

It should be so obvious but even though I make sense of it, I have such a hard time truly understanding it. And I'm such a logical person. Hell I came here to ask people who've been through it before giving into anything.

 

I'm pretty certain I won't do it. Just have to be strong.

 

Thanks for all the responses.

[siuys]

No it's not worth it in my opinion because there is more pain, confusion, etc than joy. I know it's not obvious in a way because I did the same thing 6 months ago. At first warning bells because he's married but i chose to go ahead anyway. It's been hell the last few months. I do not know what will happen between MM and me. We may end up together, we may not. Bottom line, you will be adding a lot of confusion and sorrows into your life despite some good moments. You will be emotionally unstable and thinking and wondering what the hell is he thinking/doing/wanting... you are young, go find someone closer to 30 and enjoy all the good things and the freedom. DON'T DO IT!!!!! If you feel weak, read some more on this forum. Don't waste time on someone attached.

[lilbunny]

Good lord I could have written huge chunks of your post myself not so long back. Honestly, similar sort of age gap and I'm round about the same age as you, same sort of friendship that developed rather innocently to start with, subtle hints, flirting. I have been there. MM didn't have a bad marriage or an unhappy home life, it all sounds so familiar.

But I fell for him, long before it turned physical.

 

We are still picking up the pieces. You are getting on an emotional rollercoaster. From what you have said there are feelings there already.

 

If you can please consider getting out of this situation before anything happens. It only gets harder, believe me.

[YellowShark]

Would I be making a huge mistake?

 

OMFG you would be making two huge mistakes silvan.

 

1) He's married.

 

2) You work together.

 

Never fish off the company pier, and NEVER get mixed up with a MM. Both paths lead to eventual disaster.

 

 

So basically all the good aspects aren't worth it, right?

 

The only good aspect is 20-40 minutes of sex versus LOADS of emotional torture and possible unemployment.

Edited September 4, 2010 by YellowShark

[jj33]

IMHO the age difference is irrelevant.

 

Even if he were 32, hes still a married guy who works in your office. The end of the story would be no different than it would be at his age. Either hes looking for an exit affair of he is looking for an A.

 

You are 30 years old there must have been guys in your office who hit on you before no?

 

You just need to get better at handling it.

 

You cant help who you click with but you CAN help how far you let it go and what signals you send out when it gets past the wow we click and are great work friends stage.

 

He cant touch you. If he starts to move away or say oh excuse me and move or say hey no hands or whatever is you.

 

Why wouldnt he want to spend time with you? You are a fun interesting lovely person and Im sure you are attractive and its natural he would be attracted to you. So why get all excited that he likes you?

 

You know what he wants your GRANDMOTHER knows what he wants.

 

You are naive which is sweet. Why would he do this... He'd do this because his wife is out of town alot and he doesnt like being on his own with noone to play with. You are a great girl, you really get along well, you are sexy and you have shown yourself to be open to the possibility of hanging out with him one one one.

 

Whats not to like from his point of view? He may really care for you. He may think gee if I were single I would only hope I could have a woman like Silvan in my life, but guess what hes not.

 

 

If I sound jaded its because I been there and got really burnt. Learn from my mistakes.

[2sunny]

why be with ANY man because he seems "bored"? even a single man wouldn't make the cut based on that.

 

he's MARRIED. nuff said. you asked is he selfish? YES!

[silvan]

You are 30 years old there must have been guys in your office who hit on you before no?

 

Yeah but I've never actually cared before, so those are easy to ignore. I've probably never clicked with a man like this before.

 

So starting today I'll start to make an effort and keep my distance. No more hanging out after hours and I'll just start to ignore his text messages, etc, gradually. He just texts me over silly things sometimes. We've never openly talked about our relationship or if it's inappropiate. But if it gets out of hand I will say something along the lines of "I don't think this will is right, you're married" even if it is in a joking tone.

 

You are right I'm just insecure and naive, I know that's a big part of it. But I'm glad I'm realizing all this early. I have to be smart and use my brain and not my heart (or anything else hehe) and just keep repeating to myself that it won't end well.

 

It'll be hard 'cause overall he's my friend. I'll let you know how it goes, thanks!

Edited September 5, 2010 by silvan

[Doofus111]

I'm what most people would call a "good girl" and I am. But lately I've been in a bit of a conundrum.

 

I think I'm falling for someone at the office. He's someone I've been working closely with for 6 years and that I'm good friends with. There's an incredible connection between us, nothing romantic, just in the way we think, our sense of humor, etc. We just really get each other.

 

I think the relationship has been subtly but surely been crossing the "friendship" boundaries; nothing has happened, but he's been throwing hints. The thing is: He's married and 20+ years older than me (I'm 30). He felt more like a father figure for a while. He's super proper and respectful, but I think if the opportunity presents itself, he'd make a move.

 

I know he cares about me, loves me even. He's had a good life but he's bored I think. His wife's nice but she's just extremely passive. If the age difference wasn't so great and the circumstances different, I think we would've had a chance. Sadly that isn't the case.

 

I wouldn't pretend for him or me to make big changes in our lives, but sometimes I feel like I want to take it to another level too. But I feel there's so much to consider. I'd feel sorry for his wife, I know her and she's incredibly nice so I'd feel guilty. I think I'd feel a little used too, even though I know he cares about me. I wouldn't want to get too attached. It'd just be for fun, because there's such chemistry between us, it almost feels natural, like the next step to take.

 

 

Would I be making a huge mistake?

 

Don't do it. I am like you too, the good girl. I was the type who looked down on "the other woman." Boy, did I eat my words. I answered an online ad that stated this man wanted a discreet encounter with no sexually involvement, just mutual masterbation. I know red flag! We chatted online for about a week before we met, actually sexting. He told me that him and wife were having marital problems and she did not want to have sex with him. I did feel sorry for him because I had a brother who went through the same thing and my brother tried to keep his marriage intact. When we finally met up, hormonally we hit it up. I admit the excitement and the rush was exciting at first. The next 2 times we hooked up, we graduated to oral sex on each other and making out. He would not vaginal penetrate me because he was afraid I would get pregnant. Well after our last hookup he could not see me due to he did not have a vehicle and could not meet me. He wanted me to leave sexy messages on his work voice mail, but would not do that for me. I would call his work and talk to him to see how he was doing. He would vent to me about his problems, but he did not do the same for me. I really could have used a short "How you doing?" many times. It became so one sided on my part. I tried to make this relationship more exciting and fun, but he did not try to do anything on his part to help me. He would not answer my emails or phone calls. When he did get back with me, all he wanted was to vent about his problems. "Woe is me! Woe is me!" I tried to be understanding, but this situation was getting so old. I decided to cut him off cold turkey. Deleted his emails, his numbers, his addresses, anything that was connected to him that I had. Believe me, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I never thought I would end up being the other woman. I have started online relationship sites with my requirements in a relationship. I have got some good replys so far. My best wishes to you! I hope you find the right decision for you and your life!

[WalkingtheAbyss]

Regardless of any chemistry or evident signs, back away now. Hes married, has a wife that more than likely loves him and your happiness can only bring sadness to someone else.

 

Put yourself in wifeys shoes and imagine how you'd feel if your other half ran off with some lass twenty years your junior.

 

Damn i cant believe people even consider it

[norajane]

Regardless of any chemistry or evident signs, back away now. Hes married, has a wife that more than likely loves him and your happiness can only bring sadness to someone else.

 

Put yourself in wifeys shoes and imagine how you'd feel if your other half ran off with some lass twenty years your junior.

 

Damn i cant believe people even consider it

 

Selfishness and personal gratification comes easy to some people - thinking about others does not.

 

But what you are suggesting - that he would leave his wife and run off with her, is the BEST case scenario for an OW! How many OW on this board are wishing that would happen, but it hasn't for them?!

 

The truth is that it is much, much more likely that he will NOT run off with her, ever. The truth is that it is much, much more likely that he will just have an affair with her, she will get sucked into luuuuuving him and will make him her whole life, while he still maintains his family and spends his weekends and nights and holidays and vacations and just about everything with his wife and family.

 

She is much more likely to experience pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and waiting endlessly for something that will never happen, than it is that she will end up living happily ever after with him. She cannot go into an affair and expect to walk out unscathed.

[silvan]

She is much more likely to experience pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and waiting endlessly for something that will never happen, than it is that she will end up living happily ever after with him. She cannot go into an affair and expect to walk out unscathed.

 

This pretty much sums it up. I guess for a moment I did think I could handle it. I think that's why I posted, to see if some people could, now I see most people don't. And all agree the pain far outweighs the good moments. So it's not worth it.

 

I wouldn't even want for him to run off with me, I just know it wouldn't work, the age difference is too great. So why get myself involved?

 

Again, I'm sorry I even considered it, the answer seems SO obvious but when you're in the situation things aren't as clear. I'll just have to keep reminding myself of all this. I guess I am more selfish than I thought I was. Also, although I think it'd be VERY difficult for someone to find out, it could happen, and I wouldn't be prepared to deal with the consequences.

 

The list goes on and on on reasons I shouldn't. Thanks for helping me see that.

[jj33]

The thing is you THINK noone could find out but they do. They may not catch you in the act but they notice the change in your behavior around each other. People give off clues. Once they start an A they may not spend quite as much time together in front of others, or they spend more, their body language changes when they are around each other or when the AP is discussed. You think people dont notice but they do. The other thing is computer messages stay on the hard drive.

 

All in all people eventually guess and its NOT good for your career. Glad you have seen the light.

[silvan]

I definitely don't want that. You know what's scary? Even though it never got really physical, I think we're already showing some of the signs. And I was definitely feeling some of the things people talked about here. So I know for sure if it got more serious it would get worse for me.

 

I've already started to not answer some of the text messages he's sent me over the weekend. Just simple 'How are you doing' sort of messages. I need to back off. And I already feel kinda relieved, weird...

 

Do you think if he says we should go together some place, should I tell him no and make up an excuse or just directly say that I think it'd be inappropiate since he's married? We've never openly discussed having an A, all implied, so I don't know if that's a little straightforward.