Putting it in writing......

[South east londoner]

Right!!!

Where to start?

I'm three weeks into having been told by my wife that she had a six month affair with her manager at work.

I'm not really looking for answers or anything. I'm just putting my pen to paper so to speak because I feel it will help me in some way to get over this massive change in my life.

Me and my wife met in our late teens through her sister (my sister in law).

I was 19 and she was 18.

We first dated when I stopped her and her mum at a petrol garage and asked her for a date. I took her out on five pounds which she found amusing and it was always mentioned when meeting new people.

I was working at a paper recycling company at the time and had financial issues. Nothing too major, but enough for her to guide me through and straighten me up.

We lived together after about a month at her grandads house while he was staying in Australia with relatives for 6 months.*

When he came back I found I couldn't be apart from her so I moved into her parents for a few months.

Now before meeting my wife I had never been with a partner for more than a year. I'd been an average teen playing around and not having too much to worry about.

A flat opposite her parents became available for rent so we moved in there and started planning our lives together.

After a couple of months she confessed she was pregnant, and as we had been trying for a while to conceive, we were both over the moon.

I got a new job not long after working very early mornings delivering fruit and vegetables to restaurants and other catering establishments, which helped once my daughter was born because I could be there for them in the afternoons and eventually pick her up from school as she got older.*

It was hard work as I was averaging about 3 to 4 hours sleep a night, for nearly eight years.

Even though I was originally against my wife working while our daughter was young, when she was around a year old my wife wanted to go back to work so she could have some sort of social life and adult conversation. I gave in because it was what she felt she needed, and i felt it would make her happy.

It was in this time we got a mortgage on a flat in a nice area, then we got married when my daughter was around two. I was 22 and she was 21.

Despite the hours I worked and lack of sleep*I always helped around the house, became a very good lover, always supported my wife in everything she wanted and tried my best to provide all we needed to make it through those early years.

And it was those years in which we defined ourselves as young adults. Our lifestyle was very limited by money and our child. Parties were missed, pubs and clubs were put on the back burner, friends were lost, interests forgotten, and in my opinion we settled into a life that we wasn't fully happy with, but knew we had to do to secure our future.

Over the years we slowly drifted apart. It was so slowly that it wasn't noticeable.*

Jobs were changed, interests changed, opinions. We never argued, but we also hardly talked. But it wasn't noticed.

We carried on with the daily requirements of living but lost sight of each others needs and wants.

So this went on until my wife started a new job about 10 months ago. I was now in construction about half hour from home. Money was now not a worry, although I was still in my learnt lifestyle of saving and complaining about the price of things.

She started working longer hours, going out with work friends in the evening, not talking about anything other than work and it was starting to get on my tits. I'd be home with our daughter, playing the computer or doing housework, generally pottering about the flat.

In the back of my mind I was getting annoyed with the lack of time she spent with us, but when I'd say she was working too much she'd say it was because of audits and being understaffed.*

I accepted it as it was because I trusted her and knew she wanted to make a good impression, but I started noticing her behaviour had changed along with her appearance and weight loss. She was looking better than ever but I just felt it wasn't for my benefit as she was distant from me.

She slacked off the housework, sex became routine and infrequent and she stopped making an effort to do things involving me and our daughter.

I wasn't much better I suppose.......

Staying home more, moaning about the state of the place, being short tempered with my kid etc etc.

I sent her a text telling her everything that was annoying me about her. She came home with a letter that evening with her annoyances about me, but it was written in a pleading kind of nice way that got me choked up.

Anyway my work took me away about 100 miles to a different site so I ended up having to work away during the week.

When I'd come home at weekends I'd moan about the state of the place because I'd think that I've been away doing 12 hour days, and the first thing I'd see when I get home is dirty carpets that I'd recently spent 800 pounds on. I'd think " **** me!!! In all this week she ain't even been arsed to run the vacuum round for four minutes, or do any shopping or cleaning." I didn't expect it to be immaculate. I just didn't want to get home and start tidying up straight away. So of course I'd moan and she'd get her back up.... Blah blah blah.

All the while I felt something wasn't right and started doubting my thoughts and feelings. I felt I was going mad. Family members started noticing we weren't as close as we was.

I started wanting to search through her phone but she kept it on her at all times, even taking it in the bathroom when she'd have a shower and putting it inside her pillow at night, saying it was more convenient when snoozing the alarm in the mornings.

I started confiding in my family that things were odd at home. I said I didn't think she was, but all the signs were there that an affair was going on. No one told me their thoughts but just said I might be thinking things over too much.

We had a chat about the state of our relationship one Friday evening after I got back from work. I told her she was neglecting me, the flat and our daughter. She got upset at the daughter bit. I laid it all out and basically said I was fed up with it. I also said that I have noticed all the signs were there that an affair was going on, but I didn't believe it was.*

She told me that she was fed up of me moaning at her and our daughter, not spending quality time with them and not communicating enough.

I took it on board and started making changes over the next few weekends.

Two weeks after our heart to heart I came home on Friday and we sat in the living room making small talk for a few minutes. She turned to me and asked me to sit on the other sofa. I knew she had to something to tell me but thought it'd be that she was pregnant or something. We hadn't been able to have any other children due to hormone imbalances.

I said I'm gonna sit right here.

That's when she came out with it.

"I've been having an affair with my manager for the last six months".

My world crashed...........

I stood up with my head swimming. I felt a rush of emotions and feelings I hadn't felt for many years. Anger obviously, followed by hate, jealousy, pain, confusion, guilt, shame, pity, annoyance....... Everything. All in a space of seconds. I wanted to fly into a rage and smash everything that we had ever bought for our place.

But as quick as I felt all that I stopped.

I wanted to know all that happened but kept myself to the basics. How long, why, protected, did she love him?

She said she thought she did, but after our heart to heart she realised what she was risking, and being accused not only by me but by her lover of her neglect of our daughter prompted her into finishing with him.

She claimed she'd do anything to make us work again. I just wanted to get out.

But instead of distancing myself I said "grab your stuff. We're going for a drive."

I went into my cave. But I didn't want her out of my sight. I didn't say much for hours. Just the odd question and answer. My mind was racing. She asked if I wanted her to move to her mums for a few days. I refused. I didn't want her going to see him. She said she'd quit work. It was tempting but on top of being told I'm possibly facing redundancy in the next two months it would not be sensible. She then told me that upon telling him it was over, he'd accused her of sleeping with another co-worker and told him so. The other co-worker was offended and said he was gonna take it further. He wanted her notice and she was to leave the next day. I said....

"at what point does he think he's not gonna get a beating? He took you from me for six months, now wants your job and your entitlements too?"

I had to laugh.

I phoned my manager first, told him the news and said I wouldn't be in that week. Paid or unpaid I was gonna be off, then my two week holiday was coming after that week so I wouldn't be in for three weeks. He was cool with that.

She told me he wasn't gonna be in work that week due to the break up, and because of fear of me going for him. I told her not to tell him I knew.

We had sex that night.

The following Monday I went to snoop on her at work. She saw me straight away and introduced me to the other co-worker that'd been accused. He confirmed alot of what she told me and put me at rest.*

I started asking my daughter what the routine of life had been like since I'd been working away. She was and still is unaware of anything, but I skirted around If she'd seen the other bloke at all and as kids do she told me what I wanted to know. I went with her guidance to where my wife would drop him off after work near his house. I then realised that the only outcome of seeing him would be violence and that'd make things more difficult in the long run.*

I went home.

When my wife finished work she came home and I told her I wanted to make our marriage work. I ain't letting her go after all we'd been through. I also told her what our daughter had told me and that I'd been to where she used to drop him off. It was sickening hearing how much my kid knew without knowing anything, innocent as she is.

I went to have lunch with my wife on Thursday. I met her at a cafe near her work and as I was parking the car I saw him walking towards the cafe. I called him over and he didn't even recognise me. He'd seen me only once before at my wifes thirtieth party. I wanted to kill him but held back saying only that in the light of recent events he'd best **** off somewhere else for lunch. It dawned on him then who I was and that I knew. He turned quickly and scurried off.*

I went into the cafe where my wife was looking nervous. I thought it was because she'd seen me talk to him, but she hadn't. She told me he was in today and that he might come to the cafe. He'd been ordered in by head office because his absence was unofficial and was causing complications. I told her I knew cos I'd just seen him and I told her what I'd said to him. She said she hadn't told him I knew as I requested and that it might make things difficult. I told her not to worry.

That evening I said we were going on a drive to Spain for our holiday which was on hold due to obvious reasons.

I wanted to get away and focus on us making our marriage work.

On the drive down through france we'd been listening to an album I'd bought just before working away. It brought on a depression, reminding me that all the time I'd been away listening to it, she and him had been doing the deed. It screwed me up and I ranted at her at the hotel that evening. I said that all the photos and music from the last six months mean nothing to me. Six months of my life didn't exist.

She apologised and agreed not to play the album again.

The holiday was good. We were like love struck teens again, holding hands, walking and talking. It didn't last.

Midway through the week she was having a conversation with my sisters boyfriends dad about work. I shut down. On the beach I sat on my own dwelling over it all, winding myself up. It didn't go unnoticed.

My wife asked what's wrong. I told her to walk with me on the beach. That's when I confessed.......

"at your thirtieth, I tried it on with your best mate. We texted each other after and almost arranged to spend the night together. And I also saw a prostitute not long after."

She was shocked.

"now I'm not happy about all this but I wouldn't have done what I done if you hadn't been so ****ing messed up between me and him. You gave up on me and I knew it. I just wanted some affection. Your friend and I knew what we did weren't right and called it a day before anything serious happened."

I wanted her to know because it was eating me up blaming her all the time when I hadn't been a good boy myself. But I also wanted her to realise how messed up our lives had got.

All the time I'd been with my wife I'd never looked at another bird. Didn't feel the need. She was my world. My encounters were 4 months into her affair. And I felt **** for it.

That evening I wanted to call the holiday short. I hated how bad our marriage had got. Her actions and mine. I also feared how my revelation would affect our attempts at getting things back on track.*

Being around other people wasn't easy because we couldn't open up properly. I broke down that night.

For the rest of the holiday things were good. We was being lovey dovey with each other and enjoyed it.

Then on the drive back home through Spain I started dwelling over things again. She noticed my change and started worrying, asking me not to get wound up, but I couldn't help it. When we got to the hotel in the evening I was fuming. I left my daughter on the wi-fi with the receptionist and stormed into our room.

"why the **** should I put effort into this relationship? I courted you, made you fall in love with me, helped to provide everything we needed, kept you and tended to your every need but it wasn't enough was it? It was my actions and sacrifices that kept us together these 11 years. If that's all I know, and obviously it wasn't enough, how can I get you to be in love with me again?"

She didn't have the answers. I didn't expect her to. I was scared of what was gonna happen to us in the long run.

" you told him you loved him. Where does that leave me? Do you know why I wanted to make a go of this after you told me? Because of our daughter and mortgage. If it wasn't for those things I'd have dropped you like a hat. So tell me why I should bother trying to make you love me again?"

Again she couldn't answer. Just kept apologising.

Our daughter knocked on the door so I stopped but walked into the lobby to calm down. She came out to comfort me but I didn't react.

Once I calmed down we went to mcdonalds and I apologised for flying off the handle, but felt better for venting my built up frustration. The next day was cool and we made it home without drama.

The morning after I got back I got up early, picked up my younger brother and drove down to her work. I followed a couple of her workfriends into the office and saw him.

I walked towards him and said......

"you know why I'm here."

I bashed him in the head then got him in a headlock and kneed him twice in the face. One of the staff members grabbed me off him and he ran into the street. I chased him into a shop where I beat him some more. Then we ran back outside when i floored him, sat on his chest and started pummeling him to the head, banging his head and the pavement. He screamed like a pig. I hadn't felt as much hatred and rage that I was feeling for many years. But this bloke contributed to almost breaking my family apart. And I didn't want him to feel like he could just get off with no repercussion. All I was remembering was him being at my wifes thirtieth, shaking my hand telling me what a great worker she was and what a great future she had ahead of her. And by then he'd been banging my wife for 4 months. I felt he'd been humoured by that, so this was me getting my own back.

Her workfriends pulled me off because the old bill were on their way, and they told me to get away.*

I did.

The old bill came for me, I got cautioned and they let me go. Only took an hour.

He left his job and ain't coming back.

She wasn't happy but we talked it over and we're cool now.*

That takes us to the present. I've had to go back to working away and it's been hard.

I do trust her to behave and to focus on us, but of course there's always gonna be that niggling feeling.*

I still get visions of the two of them together. I still wonder what she may have done for him that she don't do for me. The laughing they shared, the bollocks I put up with, the lying, liasing, hotels restaurants and nights away. It hurts.*

But I just gotta let that **** go.

We ain't gonna move on if I keep dwelling over it.

I just hope we can make it.

There won't be no second chance.