Sign he is cheating?

[jjai]

I saw an email exchange today between my husband and his secretary. While literally, the exchange seems somewhat innocent but I get the feeling there are definite sexual references made. Am I reading too much into it? Here is the exchange:

 

 

Husband: Have a good one

 

Secretary: You too….be careful out there

 

Husband: Ok. I’m in the taco bell drive thru

 

Secretary: Hmmmm……I wish I was there to lend you a hand or something

 

Husband: No help needed. Thanks for the offer though.

 

Secretary: Bummer, I’m hungry

 

Husband: I bet. Me too

 

Secretary: You should share

 

Husband: I can save you some from lunch

 

Secretary: I like it fresh from the tap

 

Husband: Taco bell??

 

Secretary: No, my waiting in Taco Bell line snack

 

Husband: I was talking about lunch

 

Secretary: Lol……yeah, me too….lol

 

Husband: Yummy (emails picture of taco bell food)

 

Secretary: You suck

 

Husband: I know

 

Secretary: You should have taken me with you….blah, I don’t want to be here anymore

 

Husband: Where would you rather be?

 

Secretary: Doing something fun

[turnstone]

I suspect that you'd only read sexual undertones into it if your instincts were alerted anyway.

 

Honestly, I have no way of knowing if this is inappropriate. I've had conversations with male colleagues that an outsider would definitely consider beyond the pale, but they have been no more than outrageous banter and no sexual undertones from either party.

 

What's your marriage like? How long have you been married? Children? Sex?

[jjai]

We've been married five years, together for seven total. We have two children, ages 1 and 3. We have a good marriage and sex life. We average about 2 times a week for sex, although I know he would like to do it more. We have had a few rough patches, especially after each of the kids were born but things have been good lately. My husband and his secretary both have flirty personalities but I honestly feel like she is referring to giving him a hand job or bj.

[turnstone]

Maybe I'm just very naive but I don't get the same impression as you

 

Ok, so why are you worried? You obviously feel their relationship is inappropriate, has anything else happened between them to make you feel uncomfortable about them?

[Hazyhead]

I read sexual connotations in the exchange, especially in her responses. I agree with Turnstone that you might need to have your Suspicions alerted anyway to get to the hypothesis you're at, but I think she certainly steps over the line; that part about drinking straight from the tap? Sexual. I'm sorry.

[turnstone]

OK, I get it now. I am such a doofus.

[jj33]

I agree with Hazy. Its definitely sexual and even if they arent having a PA its well over the line and not the type of exchange he should be having with her.

 

The other thing is its only lunch. Its not like hes going away on a trip. Its odd on many levels.

[hopesndreams]

I saw an email exchange today between my husband and his secretary. While literally, the exchange seems somewhat innocent but I get the feeling there are definite sexual references made. Am I reading too much into it? Here is the exchange:

 

 

Husband: Have a good one

 

Secretary: You too….be careful out there

 

Husband: Ok. I’m in the taco bell drive thru

 

Secretary: Hmmmm……I wish I was there to lend you a hand or something

 

Husband: No help needed. Thanks for the offer though.

 

Secretary: Bummer, I’m hungry

 

Husband: I bet. Me too

 

Secretary: You should share

 

Husband: I can save you some from lunch

 

Secretary: I like it fresh from the tap

 

Husband: Taco bell??

 

Secretary: No, my waiting in Taco Bell line snack

 

Husband: I was talking about lunch

 

Secretary: Lol……yeah, me too….lol

 

Husband: Yummy (emails picture of taco bell food)

 

Secretary: You suck

 

Husband: I know

 

Secretary: You should have taken me with you….blah, I don’t want to be here anymore

 

Husband: Where would you rather be?

 

Secretary: Doing something fun

 

The exchange is not innocent, it's full of sexual references.

[jj33]

The other thing is look at the last line "blah I dont want to be here anymore"

 

??? She works for him.

 

What are you going to do?

 

He was standing in line at Taco Bell on his blackberry having this exchange with her. And hes asking her what she would rather do and shes he should have taken her with him, she likes to have it fresh from the tap and saying she wishes she wasnt here but she was having fun.

 

The worst interpretation being that shes suggesting they should have had a quickie over lunch.

 

Do you normally read his emails or did something cause you to read look at them?

 

Really sorry you are going through this.

[InceptorsRule]

Secretary: I like it fresh from the tap

 

Husband: Taco bell??

 

Secretary: No, my waiting in Taco Bell line snack

 

Husband: I was talking about lunch

 

Secretary: Lol……yeah, me too….lol

 

 

This part of the exchange is quite clearly an allusion to the secretary performing oral sex on him in the car. Unfortunately a lot of people who have these kind of affairs will actually do stuff like perform oral sex in cars, including swallowing (less messy).

 

No matter how "flirtatious" this secretary might be, the level of "familiarity" she felt comfortable with in this exchange, and your h's lack of a strong, negative response, combined with the level of familiarity in the entire exchange, clearly indicates IMO that this is an active, physical and emotional affair.

 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind your husband is cheating on you.

[InceptorsRule]

We've been married five years, together for seven total. We have two children, ages 1 and 3. We have a good marriage and sex life. We average about 2 times a week for sex, although I know he would like to do it more. We have had a few rough patches, especially after each of the kids were born but things have been good lately. My husband and his secretary both have flirty personalities but I honestly feel like she is referring to giving him a hand job or bj.

 

Seven year itch.

 

It's def. an affair.

 

 

Sorry.

[InceptorsRule]

You need to get access to ALL of the emails between your h and his secretary.

 

I can't believe this is the ONLY one of its kind.

 

See what your h's reaction is when you demand total access and transparency. If he resists/gets defensive, then you'll "know." But I really think there's absolutely no doubt as it is.

 

If your h is going to claim that no, there's nothing going on between him and his secretary, then you should demand he fire her immediately, because her communications are completely unprofessional and can only wind up getting him in to trouble.

[jj33]

Inceptor the idea about firing her is nice in theory but it could lead to a claim of sexual discrimination.

 

First of all he may not have hte power to fire her. It may be that HR has the power to fire her.

 

And if he goes to HR and says my assistant and I have been too flirtatious she needs to be fired hes got his hand in the cookie jar too.

 

He needs to ask to have her transferred or he needs to ask to have her transferred in a way that isnt going to lead to a whole mess of problems where they look into his conduct as well because lets face it in this economy she doesnt want to get her H fired or disciplined or whatever for messing around on company time. People take these HR complaints pretty seriously and he was flirting with her too. You dont want your marital issues spread all over senior management.

 

Perhaps the H needs to go to HR and say that she is a great secretary but that they (he and the secretary) have agreed that she needs a fresh challenge and they would like her to be transferred but that its no bad mark on her record.

 

I know you dont want to protect the secretary but you want to protect your family's income so you need not to stain your Hs employment records. My W insists I get rid of her because she caught me exchanging sexy texts helps nobody.

 

And this holds regardless of whether there is a PA. Handle your marital issues without getting his employer (or partners or whatever the case is) involved.

 

You have to be smart about this. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face even when your marriage is at risk. Dont get rid of her and jeopardize his career. Worst case scenario you want him to have money for alimony and child support.

Edited September 4, 2010 by jj33

[spriggig]

Yeah, he's having an affair.

 

When you confront him on this, the first thing he'll do is lie through his teeth. The second thing he'll do is change all his passwords or add passwords. Then he'll lie some more, while apologizing.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy and wither and die in the light of day.

 

I suggest snooping and gathering as much evidence as you can find.

 

I don't know if you should actually do the rest of this, it might be too much. It's the fantasy of a betrayed spouse:

 

Then, instead of confronting him, approach everyone else in the family, including his side, with the evidence and innocently ask what they think it means--hopefully you'll find enough evidence to make it obvious. Maybe some of them already suspect or know but everyone will be on your side with the possible exception of his mother. The idea is to build a tsunami of support on your side before you confront him. Don't tell anyone the last part of the plan.

 

Gather evidence, talk to everyone and let them in on it. Finally, send out one last email to her and him and CC everyone else saying something like, "I've been discussing with all of you my husband's affair with his secretary for a while now, thank you for all of your support. Today is the day I confront them." And, attach all the evidence you have.

 

The blood will drain from his face, his jaw will hit the floor and he might even vomit on his desk.

 

Of course it all has to be done inside a couple of days at most because two people can keep a secret only if one of them is dead.

 

Brace for the storm.

 

This is called ripping off the band-aid.

[jj33]

Ripping off the band aid is not a bad idea but not on his company's email.

 

Again you dont want to involve his employer at this point in time. You dont need to copy the secretary. A discreet phone call to her telling her you know what is going on will suffice.

[jjai]

I'm definitely going to confront him about this. I've thought about talking to his mom and brother first but I don't know if that's the best idea or if I should just confront him directly. Thanks everyone for all your replies. I just needed an idea of if I should even pursue further or if it was just in my head.

[jj33]

THe thing is if you tell his mom and brother what will they say? Its her son and its his brother.

 

They may say he would never do something like that. You know how he is, hes a joker. Those emails dont mean anything he loves you.

 

They could also end up saying something to him before you do. You dont know that he hasnt confided in his brother.

 

Best to confront him directly unless you are SURE they will take your side.

 

Now once you have confronted him its up to you whether you want to tell them.

 

What do you want. If he admits it, or if refuses to let you see his emails, and texts, how are you going to handle it.

 

Is infidelity a deal breaker for you or do you want him to work on the marriage? If its not a deal breaker I wouldnt tell his family, I would try to work it out between you and an MC.

[freestyle]

I'm definitely going to confront him about this. I've thought about talking to his mom and brother first but I don't know if that's the best idea or if I should just confront him directly. Thanks everyone for all your replies. I just needed an idea of if I should even pursue further or if it was just in my head.

 

I recommend that you lay low, act dumb (play possum) for just a little while longer,for the purpose of gathering more concrete evidence: phone records, text logs, email exchanges.

 

If your H follows the script of most waywards, he will deny, deny, deny, tell you you're reading too much into it, and become much more guarded with his interactions w/ her, if something is going on. (he'll burrow deep underground)

 

If you confront him prematurely---he might delete emails, text logs,and your chance to gather that evidence will be lost. He'll cover his tracks if something has been going on.

 

I agree, the texts come across as very inappropriate, and it is cause for suspicion, but I don't think it's enough to hang an accusation upon----yet.

[desertIslandCactus]

I recommend that you lay low, act dumb (play possum) for just a little while longer,for the purpose of gathering more concrete evidence: phone records, text logs, email exchanges.

 

If your H follows the script of most waywards, he will deny, deny, deny, tell you you're reading too much into it, and become much more guarded with his interactions w/ her, if something is going on. (he'll burrow deep underground)

 

If you confront him prematurely---he might delete emails, text logs,and your chance to gather that evidence will be lost. He'll cover his tracks if something has been going on.

 

I agree, the texts come across as very inappropriate, and it is cause for suspicion, but I don't think it's enough to hang an accusation upon----yet.

 

 

I agree. Gather more evidence, because he will probably deny.

[desertIslandCactus]

Also, I wouldn't bring any others into it - as far as telling people. Even if they spoke to him, he could consider it a betrayal.

 

If he is having an attraction or even just flirting with her, he wouldn't be backing down until you are fully ready for what would happen with an ultimatum .

[thrownaway]

I probably shouldn't post this, but here goes, this is MY personal opinion of the text message conversation....

 

 

 

Husband: Have a good one

 

Secretary: You too….be careful out there

 

Husband: Ok. I’m in the taco bell drive thru

(translation: ok, I am bored, just wanted you to know I am hard for you so I had to text you - I do not text my wife at lunch because she does not excite me like you do)

 

Secretary: Hmmmm……I wish I was there to lend you a hand or something

(translation: yes baby, lend me a "hand" please, like I said before, I am so hard for you right now.)

 

Husband: No help needed. Thanks for the offer though.

(translation: [trying to be tactful] since you're not here, I'll just 'take care of' myself)

 

Secretary: Bummer, I’m hungry

(translation: damn, I', really hungry for your c*ck right now)

 

Husband: I bet. Me too

(translation: I need to keep you starving and wanting to come back for more)

 

Secretary: You should share

(translation: please come back to the office so I can bl*w you, this texting crap isn't fair)

 

Husband: I can save you some from lunch

(translation: I'll save some in a cup for you)

 

Secretary: I like it fresh from the tap

(translation: I really enjoy sucking you off in the drive-thru and I want this to sound as inviting as possible because I have nothing to do at work)

 

Husband: Taco bell??

(translation: [playing stupid])

 

Secretary: No, my waiting in Taco Bell line snack

(translation: no dumb*ss, my s*men snack you share with me regularly in the TB drive thru, what's gotten into you!!!)

 

Husband: I was talking about lunch

(translation: I know, but let's keep this clean, my wife checks my phone and sometimes messages can be retrieved even if deleted)

 

Secretary: Lol……yeah, me too….lol

(translation: yeah yeah, sorry, I got a little too hot for you there for a minute)

 

Husband: Yummy (emails picture of taco bell food)

(translation: sends her a 'teaser' photo)

 

Secretary: You suck

(translation: damn I was hoping you would send a c*ck shot!!!)

 

Husband: I know

(translation: ...but like I said, I have to keep you begging)

 

Secretary: You should have taken me with you….blah, I don’t want to be here anymore

(translation: we go to TB regularly, why didn't you take me today?!? Thanks for texting me, even though you know I didn't want or ask for any food from TB, but wanted to tease me about our usual drive-thru escapades instead)

 

Husband: Where would you rather be?

(translation: I just can't stop texting you so I am going to keep texting and ask stupid questions that have no meaning behind them... I don't care where you'd rather be, I just want my c*ck in your mouth right now and I should have just brought you with me today)

 

Secretary: Doing something fun

(translation: c'mon dumb*ss, you know where I'd rather be... now come back and get me... pleeease!)

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately this is how I see it. I hate cheaters and I think they are nasty. I have been through this so many times with friends when they found evidence of their husbands cheating behaviors. Most have hidden cellphones the wives don't know about, so be lucky you found this 'golden breadcrumb', otherwise you may have never known what a dirtbag your husband really is. I, myself, have caught past exes having much worse conversations than this with other women and just thinking about it disgusts me to no end!

 

I would not say a word just yet, you can download all his conversations, emails, call logs, etc from his blackberry to your computer (make sure that you select the option to dl the texts also!!!). I would back it all up (don't tell him of course), put his phone back quickly where he left it, and then LATER when you have time here and there, go through the files with a fine tooth comb. Keep an eye on him, but make sure he doesn't get a vibe from you that you are suspicious, but as soon as you find something really good... present exhibits A, B, C, D, E ....and so on.

 

So, my opinion is that he is cheating, plain and simple.... that's not normal talk between a boss and his secretary... I have had multiple secretarial-type jobs over the years and I have NEVER EVER gotten that comfortable speaking that way with a boss, or even a co-worker that I may have flirted with ....no matter how many years I may have worked with them!!!!!

 

There is a line here that has been CROSSED!!!

 

Good luck to you!

Edited September 4, 2010 by thrownaway

[hopesndreams]

I'm definitely going to confront him about this. I've thought about talking to his mom and brother first but I don't know if that's the best idea or if I should just confront him directly. Thanks everyone for all your replies. I just needed an idea of if I should even pursue further or if it was just in my head.

 

Do you have children?

[aeh]

This is almost exactly the type of exchange I found between my husband and his former coworker. I discovered it shortly after guests arrived and had to deal with the shock and confusion. In the midst of trying to figure out how to proceed (read other emails and such) my husband walked into the bathroom where I was frantically fiddling with his phone. I couldn't even think straight....forgot how to perform basic functions on phone. He denied for several days but the innuendo was just too clear and he eventually confessed. I showed him this exchange of your husbands because I only saw the one exchange between my husband and his affair partner and he has always said that their exchanges were almost 100 percent innuendo when they weren't small talk. The "I love yous" were only during sex a few times (or so he says). I have badgered him about the content and he had a hard time explaining but when I showed him your exchange he was very sheepish and acting funny and said "yep...that's what they like". His affair lasted ten months.

 

I'm sorry. You will get through this.

[worlybear]

PLEASE CONFRONT HIM!!! If you stick your head in the sand,it will get worse- he's either in an affair or about to have one- there's nothing innocent about this email-and believe me if she wants him she'll play for all its worth! Speak to him- NOW!

[aeh]

To clarify my above post, I meant to say that my husband said, "yep, that's what our conversations were like.". He apologized again for the millionth time. Yes, your husband is definitely having an affair. Confront him.