Time Wasters

[YellowShark]

A woman willing to enter into a relationship with a MM is also in a different category, don't you think? We know we're taking a bigger risk when we go in that direction. Even when we deny it and call it fate, destiny or whatever, we know it. Unless they flat out lied about being married, I don't think we can hold them responsible for wasting our time. We chose to be there.

 

IMHO if you are willing to enter a relationship with a MM you are like a bank teller who is stealing from the bank. Eventually it's going to go badly.

 

Either you will A) always remain "Plan B" forever and have to live a life of sneaking around, lies and deception, or B) he will string you along with "promises about leaving his wife" and never does, or C) he will leave his wife and you will be branded a home wrecker.

 

Only in the rarest cases does the MM and the OW eventually find happiness once all the dust has settled from the fallout of the affair. But it does happen. Yet even then, as the OW, I would be suspicious of the MM because if he cheated with you there is ALWAYS the future potential he will cheat on you when he tires of the new relationship.

[bohogirl]

Interesting. I see those terms entirely the other way around. Commitment to a marriage - to me - means zero cheating. Whereas being house-trained means someone who does the routines and is used to sharing their life with someone.

 

 

That's why I like LS. So may different ideas, opinons, beliefs. I like your approach too. Not arguing the toss with me because we have different viewpoints.

[bohogirl]

IMHO if you are willing to enter a relationship with a MM you are like a bank teller who is stealing from the bank. Eventually it's going to go badly.

 

Either you will A) always remain "Plan B" forever and have to live a life of sneaking around, lies and deception, or B) he will string you along with "promises about leaving his wife" and never does, or C) he will leave his wife and you will be branded a home wrecker.

 

Only in the rarest cases does the MM and the OW eventually find happiness once all the dust has settled from the fallout of the affair. But it does happen. Yet even then, as the OW, I would be suspicious of the MM because if he cheated with you there is ALWAYS the future potential he will cheat on you when he tires of the new relationship.

 

 

You make me laugh. Your example is crazy. What is being stolen by the OW - MM gives his love freely? What about spouses that cheat on each other?

 

It is impossible to know in advance how a relationship is going to pan out. There are no guarantees in this life. Do you really believe that you have EMA's sussed?

 

With hindsight everything is without a doubt so much clearer.

[bohogirl]

Unless you are willing to accept your own responsibility for the position you are in (and yes, unless you were lied to about him being married, you are just as responsible for your position in this) you will continue on as a "victim". HE wasted YOUR time...where were you in all of this? As long as you play victim, you will never find your personal power and you will be subject to others controlling your life.

 

 

You need to back away from the computer and breathe. Counting to 10 may help.

 

You don't know me. You don't know MM or BS.

You don't know the history - because frankly it is none of your business.

You only know what I choose to share which is whatever I feel like discussing at any given moment.

 

Now reflect on your post. Do your assumptions about my personal lack of responsibility/ victimhood sound over dramatic or even downright silly.

No apology necessary.

[bohogirl]

That's a lovely post and much food for thought.

 

I entirely agree with everything above, but sometimes the time really is wasted for more practical reasons.

 

Imagine a girl who - like most people - wants children and preferably marriage with their potential father, and she feels the pressure of time because due to her age she hears loud ticking of her biological clock, so she wants to try for a baby as soon as possible.

 

She meets a nice man and falls in love, they date for some time and get closer, then she tells him what she wants from a R and he understands. He says he wants the same but they need to do x, y and z first. It makes sense so she waits.

 

Months go by (and time can be passing very quickly in some situations) and then she brings it up again, because she feels that either everything has been sorted out and there's no need to wait any more or she feels that things are moving a bit slow. She is re-assured once again that everything will happen soon the way she wants it, maybe next month. The next month some other minor problem occurs and it's next month again.

 

She's getting more and more anxious and when a bit more time passes and things come to a head, it turns out her man is not completely sure that he's "ready" to become a father. He says maybe some time later. Putting all the pieces together she comes to a conclusion he was never sure, even though he claimed otherwise.

 

Now she can either wait longer and hope that he will commit himself fully or break up and hope that she will find a nice new man soon enough (although she has to be rather lucky for that to happen).

 

The time she spent with this man has been wasted in terms of what she wanted from the R and from life, and since her chances of conceiving decreased in the meantime, it might have ruined her chances of it ever happening in any other R.

 

Perhaps a little extreme example but things like that happen all the time. The man in this story kept her waiting with promises he wasn't sure he was going to keep and didn't think about how devastating it could be for her.

 

 

I hope this did not happen to you. He didn't want the future the girl envisaged but did not want the girl to have that life/ be happy with someone else.

 

Happens all the time. So sad.

[pureinheart]

It is never to late to find that spark with someone special! I am VERY happy now but still regret the time I wasted with someone not worthy of me. LS is the only place I can vent or silently cheer on those who feel the same as I do but are far more articulate.

 

 

A MM promising to work towards a future with his OW is in a different category to a single guy not ready to settle down. The former, has proven he can commit (when it suits him). The latter hasn't. JMO. Granted both can easily waste your time if relationship expectations are not managed from the outset.

 

Hi Boho,

 

In bold, this regret might hold you back more than you think in my personal experience. Some might consider this as revelation to hold on to for future use as to not make the same mistake again.

 

I understand the anger...been there done that, and this is just me and my way of doing "business" lol, although I don't see anyone above me or below me, and this really helps with the acceptance of my past situations that were not very good choices on my part. If I see someone above me, then I am intimidated by them, if I see them below me, then I am superior.

 

I apologize Boho, I hear this a lot on the boards and am just voicing an opinion...I'm really glad your happy now:)

[bohogirl]

Hey Pure,

 

I hear what you are saying. But it's when I slow down and have some time to myself that I have these thoughts.

 

When I am busy MM doesn't even cross my mind. I am on my own this week because my SO is working abroad and it is hard.

 

Thank you.

[bohogirl]

Don't worry. No apology coming. You can be defensive about it, but it doesn't change it. When you get involved knowingly with a MM, you take that risk. He didn't waste your time. You wasted your own. Truth hurts, I know, but it is what it is.

 

Ha Ha.

No defensiveness here. You haven't affected me at all - you don't have that power. I have no problem wasting my own time. I have an issue when someone else does it.

[jwi71]

I think you should post the details so that LS can help. Yes, you will get a mixed bag. You will also get real GEMS. You deny only yourself the wisdom of those who are much farther down this road.

 

I can honestly say I have learned something from just about everyone.

 

The more you put in the more you get out...just like anything in life.

 

--EDIT

 

Nevermind. I just read some of your earlier posts.

These feelings will persist until you OWN your role. You cannot grow without responsibility for YOUR actions.

You have steadfastly denied any culpability on your part as far as I can tell...always blaming HIM.

Won't work. Own your shyt.

Until then...it doesn't get better for you.

Edited September 7, 2010 by jwi71
obvious

[2sure]

Ive had a lot of crap in my life, things i regret, things I wish I had done differently. For a while, I carried around this sort of anger for the people who were involved in my life during those crappy times. Anger for the guys that I spent time with during bad relationships. I was angry at them and angry at myself...for wasting my time and for being a victim.

 

See thats the thing. The victim part. When we are willing "victims" of other people or see ourselves that way...you dont get over it and worse - you dont learn anything to take with you. So, more than likely you will do something similar again. Justify it another way.

 

OW, while almost always vulnerable to MM are victims of themselves moreso than he. Until you take responsibility for hurting yourself...you wont stop.

[bohogirl]

Victim (noun)

someone or something which has been hurt, damaged or killed or has suffered, either because of the actions of someone or something else, or because of illness or chance.

 

 

I never saw myself as a victim but i do sure fit the definition. As do most women on the LS infidelity boards.

 

I simply got involved with someone who was weak. I trusted someone who should not have been trusted. I know that.

 

I registered at LS because I needed to vent. I don't post very often so my life has not come to a halt.

 

Looking for deeper meaning in my words is fruitless. I know who I am, that I am loved and that I am thriving. But sometimes, I think of him and don't like my thoughts.

 

We all do that when we have a bad break up with an Ex.

 

I'm cool.

[YellowShark]

You make me laugh. Your example is crazy. What is being stolen by the OW - MM gives his love freely?

 

Whether MM gives his love freely or not the OW and MM are stealing/removing passion and emotion from the MM's marriage. This damages the MM's marriage even further because the passion and emotion that is supposed to be invested into the marriage is removed.

 

The OW is - in essence - a knowing accomplice to the hypothetical thieving bank teller.

 

What about spouses that cheat on each other?

 

Then that is no marriage, it is a sham.

[bohogirl]

So I was an accomplice helping MM steal passion from a marriage that is a sham?

 

I repeat CRAZY.

[2sure]

I think it is a very good thing that you found this forum. Its a great place to be able to self reflect , learn, and of course to vent.

[Ellin]

You make me laugh. Your example is crazy. What is being stolen by the OW - MM gives his love freely? What about spouses that cheat on each other?

 

It is impossible to know in advance how a relationship is going to pan out. There are no guarantees in this life. Do you really believe that you have EMA's sussed?

 

With hindsight everything is without a doubt so much clearer.

Well, Yellow Shark's post illustrates the typical viepoint of a bitter BS.

 

I wonder why he doesn't move to Infidelity forum, that could perhaps be more helpful..

[bohogirl]

I thought YS was a woman.

[bohogirl]

I think it is a very good thing that you found this forum. Its a great place to be able to self reflect , learn, and of course to vent.

 

Thank you. The only problem is that it is quite addictive.

I have definitely learnt a lot since I started posting.

[bohogirl]

I think you should post the details so that LS can help. Yes, you will get a mixed bag. You will also get real GEMS. You deny only yourself the wisdom of those who are much farther down this road.

 

I can honestly say I have learned something from just about everyone.

 

The more you put in the more you get out...just like anything in life.

 

--EDIT

 

Nevermind. I just read some of your earlier posts.

These feelings will persist until you OWN your role. You cannot grow without responsibility for YOUR actions.

You have steadfastly denied any culpability on your part as far as I can tell...always blaming HIM.

Won't work. Own your shyt.

Until then...it doesn't get better for you.

 

 

Once again you don't know anything about me apart from what I choose to share.

 

Who vents from a 360 degree perspective. Be real.

 

Come down off the soap box.

[Ellin]

Self-righteousness and moral perfection sold in bulk are quite prevalent on OM/OW board and yes, it's hard to bear sometimes.

[YellowShark]

Well, Yellow Shark's post illustrates the typical viepoint of a bitter BS.

 

I wonder why he doesn't move to Infidelity forum, that could perhaps be more helpful..

I thought YS was a woman.

 

Yup. I'm one of those "awful persons" who's spouse destroyed our family by having an affair with a MM. How dare I post here.

[bohogirl]

YS, my banter wasn't meant to offend you.

Yes you have had a horrific experience but not all BS were blindsided like you.

 

I was simply trying to make the point that accusing me of damaging a relationship falls on deaf ears when the BS in question plays away too or turns a blind eye. The type of marriage you said was a sham.

 

I wish you well in your recovery.

[whichwayisup]

How did he deceive you? Did he tell you he was married when you started dating or did you find out later?

 

Yes, he lied and manipulated..But you more than likely knew from day one he was married. He still went home everynight to be with his family. A man who says one thing and does the opposite is a man NOT to be trusted.

 

Don't put ALL the blame on him. You're a grown woman and should be able to own your part in choosing to be in an affair. You chose to believe him. He just took advantage of the fact that you fully trusted him. Over and over again. It takes two to be in an affair, so yeah, it's OK to be pissed off and hurt, but making it seem like he totally fooled you, pulled the wool over your eyes isn't fair since you knowingly got involved with a MM.

[YellowShark]

YS, my banter wasn't meant to offend you.

 

You didn't offend me. But perhaps it's good to hear the BS's side of the equation sometimes too. No hard feelings at all.

 

I was simply trying to make the point that accusing me of damaging a relationship falls on deaf ears when the BS in question plays away too or turns a blind eye.

 

That type of scenario is very rare - where the BS is cheating at the same time. I was referring to the norm earlier, where the BS has no idea about the WP's affair.

 

The type of marriage you said was a sham.

 

It is a sham when BOTH the husband and wife are cheating on each other at the same time... and don't care. Unless they are "swingers" I can't fathom why they would even stay married. Seems to me that they would be happier single - (which would benefit you, because then MM could concentrate on you full time!)

 

Best of luck to you too.

[Silly_Girl]

It is a sham when BOTH the husband and wife are cheating on each other at the same time... and don't care. Unless they are "swingers" I can't fathom why they would even stay married. Seems to me that they would be happier single

 

YS, the fact you'd say that leads me to think you've not read much of this particular board :laugh:

 

I'm not laughing in a cruel way but the reasons people maintain these situations seem complex and infinite. And to me, really sad

[jj33]

Yellow I was in a situation like Boho Girls.

 

As I understand it, they stay for social status, to avoid a messy and public divorce that may make the papers and the local equivalent of People magazine and of course so you dont have to unravel finances decide who gets which house (why bother when you can stay at separate residences a good deal of the time). Theres relatively little alone time for the 2 spouses as they arent in the same place much of the week and when they are there is lots of socializing to keep them from having to actually spend time together (at least that was how it was in my case).

 

And all their friends do it too so its not seen as anything odd. Its simply "what one does". Its not really talked about its just how it is. And its a really lonely way to live.

Edited September 8, 2010 by jj33