What should I think?

[diormidnightpoison]

Hi all, I am the OW whose affair officially ended about two weeks ago with an attached man (AM). Our A lasted for four years. He ended it a year ago, but we still flirted and had two encounters at work, he even gave me jewelry for Christmas this past year.

 

My question is this, he has been with the same GF for about 10 years. He was married and left his wife and kids for her. By the time his divorce was final, he had started to woo me even though his GF wanted them to go public with their R.

 

Through out the 4 years, everyone told me how happy he and his GF are. I would here them laughing together at work even. When I questioned him about it, he told me stories of how unhappy they were, the fights they ahd, etc. I truly believed him. He had me convinced that if she ever offered him an out, he would take it.

 

I heard through mutual friends this summer that she had broken up with him. He went to another mutual friend to say goodbye, thus leading that friend to believe he was suicidal. The GF was called and she told him they could get back together as long as he changed many things, which he did right away. He had to stop holding a grudge against her best friend, show more PDA, and take motorcycle lessons so that he could buy a Harley (because she has one.) He did all three and is now saving up for the Harley. When I questioned why he didn't just leave when she broke up with him, he said that it is just "protocol" for them to go back and forth for awhile, for him to change. Then when she starts nagging him again about breaking up, he can say "Hey I've changed and you're still unhappy. I'm done." He told me that he was doing all of these changes to "remove her excuses." He even went so far as to tell me to not believe everything I hear because he warned I would hear a lot. If they break up, he would take a leave of absence to show people that she hurt him, not the other way around. He told me not to worry, he would call me and we would meet up somewhere. When our mutual friend spoke to the GF and she raved about how much he had changed for her, I practically begged him for the truth. He kept saying the same things and grew more and more frustrated that I didn't believe him. I finally asked him, Do you have any plans for me? He said, Not immediately. So I haven't spoken to him since. I had to send him a business related email and he responded. Then he sent a personal one, referring to a sexual encounter we previously had and also warning me again not to believe everything I hear.

 

I saw a mutual friend of ours tonight who shared with me that the GF ist elling everyone how happy they are now, and how he made the changes for her, how he was suicidal because he thought he lost her, etc.

 

What am I supposed to believe? think? What should I do? How can a person lie like this? Did he ever care about me at all, or have I been played for four years?

[SidLyon]

Hi all, I am the OW whose affair officially ended about two weeks ago with an attached man (AM). Our A lasted for four years. He ended it a year ago, but we still flirted and had two encounters at work, he even gave me jewelry for Christmas this past year.

 

My question is this, he has been with the same GF for about 10 years. He was married and left his wife and kids for her. By the time his divorce was final, he had started to woo me even though his GF wanted them to go public with their R.

 

Through out the 4 years, everyone told me how happy he and his GF are. I would here them laughing together at work even. When I questioned him about it, he told me stories of how unhappy they were, the fights they ahd, etc. I truly believed him. He had me convinced that if she ever offered him an out, he would take it.

 

I heard through mutual friends this summer that she had broken up with him. He went to another mutual friend to say goodbye, thus leading that friend to believe he was suicidal. The GF was called and she told him they could get back together as long as he changed many things, which he did right away. He had to stop holding a grudge against her best friend, show more PDA, and take motorcycle lessons so that he could buy a Harley (because she has one.) He did all three and is now saving up for the Harley. When I questioned why he didn't just leave when she broke up with him, he said that it is just "protocol" for them to go back and forth for awhile, for him to change. Then when she starts nagging him again about breaking up, he can say "Hey I've changed and you're still unhappy. I'm done." He told me that he was doing all of these changes to "remove her excuses." He even went so far as to tell me to not believe everything I hear because he warned I would hear a lot. If they break up, he would take a leave of absence to show people that she hurt him, not the other way around. He told me not to worry, he would call me and we would meet up somewhere. When our mutual friend spoke to the GF and she raved about how much he had changed for her, I practically begged him for the truth. He kept saying the same things and grew more and more frustrated that I didn't believe him. I finally asked him, Do you have any plans for me? He said, Not immediately. So I haven't spoken to him since. I had to send him a business related email and he responded. Then he sent a personal one, referring to a sexual encounter we previously had and also warning me again not to believe everything I hear.

 

I saw a mutual friend of ours tonight who shared with me that the GF ist elling everyone how happy they are now, and how he made the changes for her, how he was suicidal because he thought he lost her, etc.

 

What am I supposed to believe? think? What should I do? How can a person lie like this? Did he ever care about me at all, or have I been played for four years?

 

He has told you repeatedly not to believe everything you hear. If you try applying this to everything you hear from him, then you should be able to work out where you stand.

[NoIDidn't]

I finally asked him, Do you have any plans for me? He said, Not immediately.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

As far as what you are to believe, I say believe the quoted.

 

It doesn't matter what he says is the truth when he has NO IMMEDIATE PLANS for anything dealing with you in a R.

 

Let her have her formerly M but cheating on her boyfriend and consider yourself blessed to finally be away from that manipulator.

[whichwayisup]

My question is this, he has been with the same GF for about 10 years. He was married and left his wife and kids for her. By the time his divorce was final, he had started to woo me even though his GF wanted them to go public with their R.

 

This is who he is. A cheater, a liar and a betrayer. Be glad it's over. Imagine you marrying this guy and he eventually cheats on you! He isn't going to change his ways. He'll probably wait things out and then go seek another OW for excitement.

 

Through out the 4 years, everyone told me how happy he and his GF are. I would here them laughing together at work even. When I questioned him about it, he told me stories of how unhappy they were, the fights they ahd, etc. I truly believed him. He had me convinced that if she ever offered him an out, he would take it.

 

He was/is good at lying and manipulting.

[diormidnightpoison]

Thank you so much. That is where my brain was going.

 

What steps should I take now? NC?

[diormidnightpoison]

I can't help but wonder. He lied to his ex wife, he lied to me. He seems willing to make all these changes for his GF now. Does he ever lie to her? He told me a few times that they talk on the phone every night (they also work together). She always says, "I love you." He replies the same. Once I was over his place and he went in the other room. After the call, I asked him why he did that. He said, "I don't want you hearing the games I play with her." It sounds now like he was playing games with me, not her. Does he ever lie to her?

[diormidnightpoison]

Also I wonder what his real reason for calling things off with me were. Last summer we went away for a long weekend. He said he had such an amazing time. We came back. I didn't hear from him for over a month. When I asked what was going on, he said that when he came back, he had to take his kids with her and her boy on vacation, then a long weekend away with her. He said that he was so depressed at the difference between her and I that he couldn't handle being in a R with me; it made him suicidal to think that he had to spend the rest of his life with her. He couldn't see me anymore. I was devastated. To this day, I can't understand his reasoning. Any thoughts?

[lilbunny]

I can't help but wonder. He lied to his ex wife, he lied to me. He seems willing to make all these changes for his GF now. Does he ever lie to her? He told me a few times that they talk on the phone every night (they also work together). She always says, "I love you." He replies the same. Once I was over his place and he went in the other room. After the call, I asked him why he did that. He said, "I don't want you hearing the games I play with her." It sounds now like he

was playing games with me, not her. Does he ever lie to her?

 

Of course he does, he had an A for four years!

That is a long time to maintain the lie and not feel any ill effects. If he doesn't tell her about the A it is a lie of omission, but it is still a lie of sorts.

Perhaps it has become a way of life?

[torranceshipman]

Also I wonder what his real reason for calling things off with me were. Last summer we went away for a long weekend. He said he had such an amazing time. We came back. I didn't hear from him for over a month. When I asked what was going on, he said that when he came back, he had to take his kids with her and her boy on vacation, then a long weekend away with her. He said that he was so depressed at the difference between her and I that he couldn't handle being in a R with me; it made him suicidal to think that he had to spend the rest of his life with her. He couldn't see me anymore. I was devastated. To this day, I can't understand his reasoning. Any thoughts?

 

This is just an awful lie to cover his tracks. He went on vacation with you, then with the family. So sorry to hear you were treated so badly and he sounds like one heck of a liar. I think the man has something badly wrong with him to be able to lie so long, with such little conscience - so there is no point trying to reason with WHY he treated you so bad. Who knows...he treats everyone badly by the sounds of it. Don't waste your time analyzing him - he is a horrible guy and you need to walk away and cut all contact. Do whatever you need to do to get closure, and then move on. Sorry it feels bad - hugs to you.

[diormidnightpoison]

Can someone tell me how long it will take for me to feel normal, happy again?

[WowReally]

Can someone tell me how long it will take for me to feel normal, happy again?

 

Everybody's different...there is not real time line. Seek couseling if you're really low...it doesnt hurt and it allows you to vent to someone who is really impartial.

[thomasb]

I can't help but wonder. He lied to his ex wife, he lied to me. He seems willing to make all these changes for his GF now. Does he ever lie to her? He told me a few times that they talk on the phone every night (they also work together). She always says, "I love you." He replies the same. Once I was over his place and he went in the other room. After the call, I asked him why he did that. He said, "I don't want you hearing the games I play with her." It sounds now like he was playing games with me, not her. Does he ever lie to her?

 

 

Well of course he lies to her also. Trust me, Its' quite the chore keeping two women on a string. But your decision is whether you want to keep playing second string to another woman to satisfy a liar.

[breaking_bad]

Also I wonder what his real reason for calling things off with me were. Last summer we went away for a long weekend. He said he had such an amazing time. We came back. I didn't hear from him for over a month. When I asked what was going on, he said that when he came back, he had to take his kids with her and her boy on vacation, then a long weekend away with her. He said that he was so depressed at the difference between her and I that he couldn't handle being in a R with me; it made him suicidal to think that he had to spend the rest of his life with her. He couldn't see me anymore. I was devastated. To this day, I can't understand his reasoning. Any thoughts?

 

I know that this is devastating and difficult, but as to the answers to the questions about why he told you he didn't want a R with you anymore, the answer is WHO CARES? It doesn't matter.

 

The answer to the question doesn't give you anything. And you will probably never get a straight answer anyway. It's really annoying and hurtful and it makes you really irritated, but that's the way it is.

 

He will never give you this full beautiful complete answer that you need, and even if he did, it doesn't change anything. Unless you are going to take that information and change something about yourself to address whatever reason he's going to give you. And I hope that's not what you're going to do.

 

And seriously, a guy who has to change things about himself to stay with his GF (and be with a GF who would ask someone to change), is depressed and suicidal, is obviously a terrible communicator and a manipulator is NOT relationship-ready material. He is not able to handle any relationship, let alone with you.

 

This is a seriously damaged and manipulative dude and you need to get away from him. You have to go total NC, and focus on YOU and figure out things in your own life that put you into crazy town. You should be obsessing about yourself and your life and what you want to feel/do/be.

 

He said it was over. I would take his word for it because the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on with your life and stop caring what he is thinking in that crazy head of his.

[Ellin]

Also I wonder what his real reason for calling things off with me were. Last summer we went away for a long weekend. He said he had such an amazing time. We came back. I didn't hear from him for over a month. When I asked what was going on, he said that when he came back, he had to take his kids with her and her boy on vacation, then a long weekend away with her. He said that he was so depressed at the difference between her and I that he couldn't handle being in a R with me; it made him suicidal to think that he had to spend the rest of his life with her. He couldn't see me anymore. I was devastated. To this day, I can't understand his reasoning. Any thoughts?

 

OMG, how twisted!

 

I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He's a game player by his own admission, anyway. If he plays games with his GF, he does with anyone and the above illustrates this IMO.

 

Yes, I also think that there is something seriously wrong with him (not with you!! remember that) and the sooner you're rid of him, the better.

 

Don't blame yourself for having fallen a victim to his lies and manipulation, it can happen to anyone who is honest, trusting and loving (good qualities overall).

 

Please get any help you can, counseling would definitely be advisable after being involved with this type of person.

 

Take care!

[Pink_orchid]

Dior he sounds horrible, but you're too hooked on him to see that, and to see that your self-esteem is on the floor. Or you wouldn't even be bothered with such a man. A lying cheating manipulator.

 

It's clear he liked you or he wouldn't have got involved with you. But for whatever reason he is attached to the situation he is in, and the woman he's with. He sounds like a pretty screwed up person and it's a pretty dysfunctional set up. But he is not coming your way, or offering you anything; you'd just be in for more of the same if you don't shut the door. I know it's easy for me to say because you love him and I am sorry you're hurting, but why would you want him anyway. Believe me I have put up with being badly treated in the past, I had my heart broken, and it's only when you have recovered you look back you think WHAT WAS I DOING loving that guy so much, look how he treated me. He (my ex) was so screwed up, but I didn't realise at the time, I thought it was something wrong with me. I couldn't understand why he had rejected me. We were very happy together and were going be together forever... we were absolutely so in love... couldn't imagine being apart etc etc... however I found out he cheated, I had him back but he went off with someone else. Well years later, I have just heard of him. Surprise surprise he is still lying and cheating his way through life, numerous partners since he and I spilt, the latest live-in partner has been cheated on with another woman, (whom incidentally he didn't tell he had a live-in girlfriend) and after dropping one, then the other and going back to the original one, upsetting both, he's left the live-in for the new one... until the next time.

 

You see what I mean, once a screw up always a screw up!! You'll be so much better off without this guy, you just won't see it yet, honestly, you will thank your lucky stars, it's what you call a blessing in disguise when you lose a man like this. So don't take it personally, it's 'not you it's him', it's true in this case!!