datura_noir Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 And I have a good husband... he has his P/A C/A issues, I have my demons :anger, abandonment, abuse. together, we fit. Why do I sometimes feel as if I am chasing the dragon? I don't question the love bond, I just want to know if that is enough? I can;t wait to see him, but when I do, I feel like he is saying "okay,s he's here, she loves me". He goes about his work. Is that enough? Does anyone else feel this way?? Sex is very intense; for him it feels (to me) like he is acting out a porn fantasy. I want to connect on a deeper level. I mostly always initiate the sex. I feel like I am less than. Many men find me attractive, but I want only my H to see me like that. I will never compromise my values. I guess I want him to see me as a sensual woman, how do I get there?? I have done the lingerie thing (he has bought it), but it seems like the fate of our love life is in his hands.... we have sex about once every 2 months, and it is not enough... What do I need to kick-start a more fulfilling love life??? I am sorry to be so pathetic, but this just hurts...
Stung Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 Perhaps (hopefully) this is just a low period? Has this been a long-term or recurring issue? Do you communicate well, about other issues? Honestly, I have no brilliant comfort and no answers for you at the moment, Datura. It has been a very long couple of days and I'm very tired and have already hit the snooze button on my brain. But I am sorry you are hurting, I know how slow Friday nights are on LS and I didn't want your thread to go unanswered tonight. Every marriage has its troubles and it's low moments. Everyone's emotions get stepped on at times. Please don't feel pathetic. Do something to pamper yourself tonight.
mem11363 Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 DN, How long together? How old? When did frequency drop off so much? Does he watch porn? How often? WHY is he not wanting more than 2/month? Will he talk to you about desire/sex? And I have a good husband... he has his P/A C/A issues, I have my demons :anger, abandonment, abuse. together, we fit. Why do I sometimes feel as if I am chasing the dragon? I don't question the love bond, I just want to know if that is enough? I can;t wait to see him, but when I do, I feel like he is saying "okay,s he's here, she loves me". He goes about his work. Is that enough? Does anyone else feel this way?? Sex is very intense; for him it feels (to me) like he is acting out a porn fantasy. I want to connect on a deeper level. I mostly always initiate the sex. I feel like I am less than. Many men find me attractive, but I want only my H to see me like that. I will never compromise my values. I guess I want him to see me as a sensual woman, how do I get there?? I have done the lingerie thing (he has bought it), but it seems like the fate of our love life is in his hands.... we have sex about once every 2 months, and it is not enough... What do I need to kick-start a more fulfilling love life??? I am sorry to be so pathetic, but this just hurts...
BlackLovely Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 And I have a good husband... he has his P/A C/A issues, I have my demons :anger, abandonment, abuse. together, we fit. Why do I sometimes feel as if I am chasing the dragon? I don't question the love bond, I just want to know if that is enough? I can;t wait to see him, but when I do, I feel like he is saying "okay,s he's here, she loves me". He goes about his work. Is that enough? Does anyone else feel this way?? Sex is very intense; for him it feels (to me) like he is acting out a porn fantasy. I want to connect on a deeper level. I mostly always initiate the sex. I feel like I am less than. Many men find me attractive, but I want only my H to see me like that. I will never compromise my values. I guess I want him to see me as a sensual woman, how do I get there?? I have done the lingerie thing (he has bought it), but it seems like the fate of our love life is in his hands.... we have sex about once every 2 months, and it is not enough... What do I need to kick-start a more fulfilling love life??? I am sorry to be so pathetic, but this just hurts... I am so sorry that you aren't getting enough sex. Besides a good old fashioned discussion, what about writing him a love letter about how you feel and the things you want to do with him? It may help. It's admirable that you want to keep your values. However, I have very little sympathy for spouses that won't have sex and then get cheated on. Sex is a very important part of marriage and if someone won't put out, they need to be single. Unless there is some sort of illness or emotional problem, your husband should be making love to you, just like you should to him. Where else does he expect you to get it from? Sheesh.
xxoo Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 The combo of sex feeling porn-like (your perception of his view), very low frequency, and him rarely initiating makes me wonder if he is using tons of porn, and preferring it to sex with his real partner. Does this: I can;t wait to see him, but when I do, I feel like he is saying "okay,s he's here, she loves me". He goes about his work. mean that he is physically present, but not really connecting? What kind of intimacy (not sex) is there between you in general, on a daily basis? Random hugs? Sitting together to share a cup of coffee? Little chats?
InceptorsRule Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 we have sex about once every 2 months, and it is not enough... That's a ridiculously inadequate amount of sex. It indicates a serious problem of some kind: could be he's masturbating too much, in secret, with porn; could be he's got an underlying physical or psychological problem (or both); could be he's having an affair (sorry); could be he's gay. Your avatar certainly looks attractive enough to where a normal healthy male would be expected to be pestering you for sex pretty frequently. Your virtually sexless/low sex marriage is a symptom of some very serious issue(s) and he's obviously hiding something from you, which probably explains why you also sense a lack of a deep emotional connection. You need to lay the cards on the table and get him to tell you what he's hiding from you.
Author datura_noir Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 My husband and I talked, and he agreed that his low sex drive has been a problem for us. So he decided to go see a doctor. The doctor ordered a few tests, one of which was a LT (low testosterone) test. We were given the results yesterday, and he does have a reduced level of testosterone. His doctor prescribed tablet that he must apply twice daily to his gums. He also prescribed a 10 day supply of viagra. He hasn't filled either yet, but here's hoping it works! He had many symptoms of LT besides low sex drive. He is 49 (a common age for this), and was feeling so out of sorts about the whole thing. I guess I needed to push him to make the whole thing come to a head.
mem11363 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 When I don't exercise my desire level drops noticeably. When I exercise 4-5 times a week it is much higher. The T and the V are fine. But the natural endrophines from working out/running are ALSO a nice boost. Maybe he can try all 3. Thing is, if he watches porn - he doesn't need to stop - he simply needs to "not finish" while watching. This will build his desire level not dissipate it. I am 47, my ideal frequency is 2-3 times/week. My husband and I talked, and he agreed that his low sex drive has been a problem for us. So he decided to go see a doctor. The doctor ordered a few tests, one of which was a LT (low testosterone) test. We were given the results yesterday, and he does have a reduced level of testosterone. His doctor prescribed tablet that he must apply twice daily to his gums. He also prescribed a 10 day supply of viagra. He hasn't filled either yet, but here's hoping it works! He had many symptoms of LT besides low sex drive. He is 49 (a common age for this), and was feeling so out of sorts about the whole thing. I guess I needed to push him to make the whole thing come to a head.
Author datura_noir Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 I didn't want any posts to go unreplied to! We have been together 12 years, married for 2. He had a brief affair 3 years ago. Was also heavily into porn at the time. No contact with the OW or any other, and there has been no porn on his part. Thank you for all of your concerns, hopefully, things will get better now that we have a handle on what the problem is.
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