Falling into a new state of depression. I contemplate suicide, but...

[C'est La Vie]

I'm a 21-year-old female. I have battled depression before, but overcame it. How? I don't even remember; but it took some time.

 

Lately, I've been feeling myself fall into this state of depression again. One reason is because of a friend/guy, which I posted about here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244427/

 

Aside from that, I am stuck in a college that I never had any interest in attending. The ONLY reason I am still there, three years later, is to please my family. I gave up the school I wanted to go to, Florida State, just because I didn't want to get more **** from my family. Looking back on it, I should have went my own way. Maybe I would have been happier right now.

 

In addition to that, I still live at home with my family. I love this for the fact that I don't have to worry about rent, groceries, etc., but considering what I have had to deal with for 21 years, especially here recently... I think I would rather live under a bridge. My family is so overprotective. I'm under their roof, so I have to follow their rules. But seriously? Can't I get a little bit of freedom at 21?

 

I have been searching frantically for a job - nothing as of yet. I'm losing patience.

 

I am TRYING, on a daily basis, to talk to my family. I'm trying to let them know that I'm not happy. I want to transfer schools, but I'd be "stupid" to do that since I have one year left. I want to join the Peace Corps after graduation, but I'd be "stupid" to waste my time on something that won't benefit my future. My family.... they just don't understand me - it's like we're from totally different planets; yet, I can't seem to turn them loose.

 

Friendships. I love my friends to death and would do anything for them. My more "extroverted" friends are all off in other cities/states, doing the college thing and living life there - I should have taken that route. All I really have left here are my "introverted" friends - the ones who are refusing to go out on the weekends. What can I say? I like to go out and have fun! I wish I had friends who enjoyed this as much as I do. I did... back in the day.

 

Don't get me wrong. I love life, and I really want to see where my future goes. But at the same time, I have no patience. As of right now, I'm tired of waiting. Tired of waiting to get that phone call saying that I have a job, tired of going to these classes at a school that means nothing to me, tired of hearing my out-of-state friends talk about their parties and stuff, tired of being indoors on a weekend (if I were back in a big city, like a few months ago, I'd always be out), tired of being around my family - as much as I love them, tired of being in love....

 

As much as I enjoy life, I often do contemplate suicide. It's not what I really WANT to do, but... I just feel like it'd be an easy way out. I wouldn't have to deal with all the frustrations in life. I wouldn't have to worry about my impatient attitude anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about always trying to please others...

 

I just need to get away from here. Now.

[skydiveaddict]

[quote name=

I just need to get away from here. Now.[/quote]

 

 

If you're thinking about suicide sister, you have bigger troubles on your hands than where you are living or what school to attend. You better get yourself to a doc. right away

[C'est La Vie]

If you're thinking about suicide sister, you have bigger troubles on your hands than where you are living or what school to attend. You better get yourself to a doc. right away

 

I... feel I would be happier, not thinking about that stuff, if I were actually someplace else that I could enjoy...

[skydiveaddict]

I... feel I would be happier' date=' not thinking about that stuff, if I were actually someplace else that I could enjoy...[/quote']

 

 

I know you would be happier someplace that you enjoy, and you can make that happen. But thoughts like suicide need to be dealt with right away. No matter where you're at.

[C'est La Vie]

I know you would be happier someplace that you enjoy, and you can make that happen. But thoughts like suicide need to be dealt with right away. No matter where you're at.

 

I mean, I don't think I would be one to actually follow through with it. I think about it, but would I ever actually do it? Probably not...

 

After classes today, I actually went by the university counseling center to talk to a counselor... but walked away the minute I got to the door, at the thought of, "this is ridiculous. there's nothing wrong with me, and even if there were, he wouldn't be able to help." :-/

[skydiveaddict]

I mean, I don't think I would be one to actually follow through with it. I think about it, but would I ever actually do it? Probably not...

 

After classes today, I actually went by the university counseling center to talk to a counselor... but walked away the minute I got to the door, at the thought of, "this is ridiculous. there's nothing wrong with me, and even if there were, he wouldn't be able to help." :-/

 

 

Go back on Monday, and this time dont walk away, I know how you feel. I've been there too. When I got home from the war I was a real mess. But I got help. You need help. why would you want to go on feeling like this when you dont have to? Go do it so you can start enjoying life again

[Thorgs]

I've been to that dark place before. I'm not talking about dark...I'm talking the darkest dark place we can go...and it's been recently. It's not worth it by any means although a lot of the time it seems like it is. Life sucks, but finding the small things in life that make it worth living are what keeps me going. Hang in there gal.

[C'est La Vie]

I might actually go back on Monday. I really don't think I have it in me to seriously try killing myself, but... I don't know.

 

A couple of hours ago I got into a REALLY big fight with my grandmother. It left me in tears. I ran out of the house, jumped in my car, and drove off. I didn't know where I was going... But I was going, driving somewhere, crying my eyes out - and all I could think about for the first 30-45 minutes is what it would be like to run my car off a bridge, or into a building, or something. I didn't do it, obviously... but the thoughts were so strong.

 

The thing about going to a counselor.... I don't know. All I really need to do is talk. I need to talk about everything that's on my mind. I HATE keeping my feelings/emotions bottled up, but at the same time... I hate being a burden on others. Even counselors... they don't want to hear about my petty problems. They want somebody with real problems... and I honestly shouldn't be wasting their time. There may be somebody who could REALLY use that time.

 

I.... need somebody, perhaps more than one person, to throw their problems at me. That... always makes me feel better, knowing I helped others with their problems. It helps me forget about mine for a while too. Win-win situation.

[skydiveaddict]

I might actually go back on Monday. I really don't think I have it in me to seriously try killing myself, but... I don't know.

 

A couple of hours ago I got into a REALLY big fight with my grandmother. It left me in tears. I ran out of the house, jumped in my car, and drove off. I didn't know where I was going... But I was going, driving somewhere, crying my eyes out - and all I could think about for the first 30-45 minutes is what it would be like to run my car off a bridge, or into a building, or something. I didn't do it, obviously... but the thoughts were so strong.

 

The thing about going to a counselor.... I don't know. All I really need to do is talk. I need to talk about everything that's on my mind. I HATE keeping my feelings/emotions bottled up, but at the same time... I hate being a burden on others. Even counselors... they don't want to hear about my petty problems. They want somebody with real problems... and I honestly shouldn't be wasting their time. There may be somebody who could REALLY use that time.

 

I.... need somebody, perhaps more than one person, to throw their problems at me. That... always makes me feel better, knowing I helped others with their problems. It helps me forget about mine for a while too. Win-win situation.

You really need to get some help. You keep running away from that It only makes it more obvious

Listen, if it makes you feel any better I've been down the same road. Psychiatrists, trauma therapists , drug therapy, it probably saved my life. Dont be afraid to seek help when you need it and right now you do

[tman666]

I think that while meds and some therapy to help give you an edge, the root of the problem is that you feel powerless to control the direction and flow of your own life. Put on your big girl panties and do something about it. Will your course work credits transfer to other schools? People can get loans/work multiple jobs, etc. There are always options.

 

Take your life by the horns and make it what you want it to be. If your family doesn't like it, then boo f-ing hoo. This is your life, your time as a young person, and if you want them to treat you like an adult (which, granted, some families never will) then you have to be one.

 

Move out, go where you want, and get out of the mindset that you need anyone's permission to do what you want to be doing (ya know, barring general lawlessness).

[GrayClouds]

C'est first of all understand your perspective about everything right down is clouded by this depression that has a hold of you. Everything from your attitude about Uni to therapist, living with your family to friends seem less then good. That is what depression does. When you in that place it is easy to look at external things and thinking if you can change them then you will feel better. Moving, new Uni, a job, someone to fix (which right now that person it you so treat yourself like you would someone else) are all temporary fixes that does not address the real issue; the depression.

 

But the answer is not fix the outside and the inside will follow, it is fix the inside on the outside will become better. It is going to take effort, something that feels like a luxury right now for you. it going to include things that will be things you will not want to do but that is the depression talking and wanting to hold you back.

 

It means getting out and exercising even if it is just getting yourself to walk, but push yourself to do more, then more. Next find someone professional to work with to talk things out, getting it out helps. Finally talk to a doc about meds, even if it just for the short terms to help you do the other things. But give them time, it take up to 8 week for them to really start working and when they do give yourself time. You recognize your suffering from depression, often it hard to know when it is has control, it feels average after while. But it is not and when you get past it you will see opportunities can not see right now.

 

Like I said right now treat yourself like that person you want to help with there problems. Understand the better you can help yourself the better you are for others. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

[C'est La Vie]

Thank you guys for your replies. I think that, at this point, yes I do need to talk to somebody. But I really don't WANT to. I don't want to be the person that NEEDS help, I want to be the person that GIVES help - does that make sense? I feel like I'm being a hypocrite if I'm helping people (which I do frequently; not because I'm depressed, but because it's something I enjoy doing), but then I have to go off and ask for help myself. It just seems... weird.

 

There's also the fact that I don't believe in taking medication. So, even if I were to be given some sort of prescription for depression meds, I wouldn't take them. It would just be a waste to get them.

 

 

It really hurts. Last night my grandmother and I got into an argument, and she said a few things that really got to me. I have only said 2-3 words to her today. I just... have nothing to say to her at this point. I don't feel like I'm myself with my family. I'm being serious right now when I say that I have to lie to them, sneak around, fake things, etc., just to get a positive reaction out of them. I don't want to disappoint my family, and I know that by letting them know who I REALLY am, this will disappoint them (more so my grandmother - who is basically my mother - than anything) - this was very apparent from everything that was said and done last night. Am I a bad person to want away from my family? To think that I would be a much happier person if I didn't have my family around? They have always been here, and they have helped me through a lot in life... but I can't help but to feel that they're probably 75% of my problems at the moment. While I do think of a life without them, I'm still scared of not having them... because they have been here for me, for 21 years. But I can't live a stressful life full of lies and fighting with them anymore...