OW left me for another MM...Im at a loss...

[Dexter Morgan]

She wants nothing to do with me. She has fallen for another man in the office. I am heartbroken.

 

the other man in the office won't be her last. like I said, you dodged a bullet.

 

you seem to be attracted to her looks, and not her character, because her character is for s##t.

 

this will get you in trouble every time. not saying you can't find a beautiful woman with great character, but if you care more about looks than her heart......you'll be repeating this heartache in the future.

[aim9618]

Small Update: I am at NC for 9 days. We see each other at work, but i have made no eye contact with her. Trying to heal. Last conversation we had she told me, she could never be with me because she does not trust me, but then when I asked her if we could be a couple again, she says maybe. Mixed signals. Our last words to each other were she was having a bad day and I asked what is wrong and she said it was too personal. That stung. Another man, I am sure. I realize now no contact is the best thing. 9 days and counting. My marriage is not getting better, she sees i am in pain from the OW and its hurting my marriage. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

[Carrot2000]

I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

 

Please don't stay in it for the wife and kids; you're making them miserable and they don't deserve that. If you stay in this marriage, they'll never heal from your actions and your wife won't be free to find a man who will love and respect her rather than be with her out of obligation.

[White Flower]

Please don't stay in it for the wife and kids; you're making them miserable and they don't deserve that. If you stay in this marriage, they'll never heal from your actions and your wife won't be free to find a man who will love and respect her rather than be with her out of obligation.

Amen!:):):)

[bentnotbroken]

Small Update: I am at NC for 9 days. We see each other at work, but i have made no eye contact with her. Trying to heal. Last conversation we had she told me, she could never be with me because she does not trust me, but then when I asked her if we could be a couple again, she says maybe. Mixed signals. Our last words to each other were she was having a bad day and I asked what is wrong and she said it was too personal. That stung. Another man, I am sure. I realize now no contact is the best thing. 9 days and counting. My marriage is not getting better, she sees i am in pain from the OW and its hurting my marriage. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

 

Prayer works wonders...but why didn't you do it before you chose to cheat and before you asked OW if you two could still be a couple. Do you think God is listening to pray to be good for your wife or the OW?

[White Flower]

Prayer works wonders...but why didn't you do it before you chose to cheat and before you asked OW if you two could still be a couple. Do you think God is listening to pray to be good for your wife or the OW?

To be honest, I think God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes the M is a bad one, and the prayers don't go the way we think they would. We all need to learn lessons, whether M or not.

[bentnotbroken]

Please don't stay in it for the wife and kids; you're making them miserable and they don't deserve that. If you stay in this marriage, they'll never heal from your actions and your wife won't be free to find a man who will love and respect her rather than be with her out of obligation.

 

 

Ditto! Who wants to be your consolation prize?

[bentnotbroken]

To be honest, I think God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes the M is a bad one, and the prayers don't go the way we think they would. We all need to learn lessons, whether M or not.

 

 

This I agree with. But praying for someone else while married(which he didn't say he was doing. Just that he asked if they( he and OW) could still be a couple:sick:)won't garner much support from God since he has a commandment against cheating. I do believe his wife will be blessed eventually beyond anything he could give her once she moves on. He will be a yard stick to which all others are measured. That can be good or bad.

[dreamingoftigers]

My gosh, I usually try to say something supportive in these threads but this one I just find so sickening and selfish :sick::sick:

 

Why should the wife have to suffer through your own trash-bag of issues.

 

What makes you such a catch that you think putting anyone through this is okay on any level?

 

Do you even have any remorse for the way you have treated your family at all or do you only care about what the OW thinks and feels?

[dreamingoftigers]

Small Update: She really told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. She is on a vacation with kids and her mom, no husband. She is about to get separated. Her supposed new man is going to be in the town where she is vacationing starting tonight. My heart bleeds knowing that. Her communication with me is less and less. Maybe an IM once every two days. She wants to be my friend, but I cant do it knowing she with another man. She told me that she did loved me, in fact a lot, but in her mind I did not love her the same and that changed her. She put up a wall. Got thick skin and let things roll off her back. Can other woman relate to this? She got over me very easily, while I am still struggling.

 

I can relate to this. When a guy is so flip-floppish that he says one thing and does another, it kills any good intentions you may have had.

 

Think about the way you feel about her being with another man. You don't even have any claim to her, you didn't even want forever with her.

 

Now try to imagine how your wife must feel

[awkward]

I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

 

Aim you're right when you say your heart isn't in the marriage. There is one thing you could do for your wife that would help her and that isn't staying married to her because you feel like it's the right thing to do. You could be a decent man and tell your wife that you are in love with someone else. Sure it's going to be painful but that is the right thing to do not the easiest thing to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Small Update: I am at NC for 9 days. We see each other at work, but i have made no eye contact with her. Trying to heal. Last conversation we had she told me, she could never be with me because she does not trust me, but then when I asked her if we could be a couple again, she says maybe. Mixed signals. Our last words to each other were she was having a bad day and I asked what is wrong and she said it was too personal. That stung. Another man, I am sure. I realize now no contact is the best thing. 9 days and counting. My marriage is not getting better, she sees i am in pain from the OW and its hurting my marriage. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

 

Oh for crap sakes. I hate seeing adults this age using their "feelings" excuse.

 

You create the environment to which you get attached! Guess what? You made your marriage a pit of Hell and now YOU don't want to hang out there?! DUH! Yes, I said DUH!

 

Look where your focus is, where it actually is, not where you claim it to be. Right there in your update is a whole little bit about your exMOW. That is still your first priority! That is where you put your focus! How is your marriage supposed to get fixed when you are still focussed on her and your "great loss?"

 

Is you marriage going to fix itself? Is your wife going to magically transform into the better-then-ever wife? I she supposed to wave her magic wand and make YOU happy? Is she supposed to make your heart "be there"? I don't think so!

 

Who is supposed to do that? Perhaps the one whose responsibility it is? Y O U!! (If there was a bigger font on here I would use it).

 

You are still asking your exMOW to be a couple again and your marriage is going to get better? You are asking her about her feelings and her day? What is life like on your planet?

 

Do you realize you have posted up so much about your exMOW in comparison with your wife, that it sounds like she is that weird roommate that hangs out at your place?

 

Do you have any idea how wonderful it is that your wife is still even there? Men like you have no realization that they may get 75% of their needs met in their marriage (typically the healthy male will meet maybe 25% on their own). The unhealthy male (i.e. YOU) will go out and have another woman meet those remaining 25% and she will look like a f-ing superhero to the dunces that do this because she looks like she is meeting all of those unmet needs, forgetting the fact that you have a home and children and companionship (and often regular sex) with the wife as well.

 

Even if you went with the exMOW she wouldn't meet all of your needs (because one human being cannot meet all of another's needs, sorry to tell you this, you married a human, right?). Then you would be off farming out that other 25% again, or you would have to grow up.

 

Ever wonder why second marriages have a higher divorce rate? The people who left their first ones over "unmet needs" still can't get their needs met in the second one.

 

Let me give your brain some helpful information. Learn how to make yourself happy and stop chasing illusions of happiness. Your wife is not responsible for your happiness. Grow the **** up!

Get some self-help books and figure out what the hell your needs even are. Find out what the Hell your wife's needs are. (I am sure that not being placed at risk for contracting STD's or having her husband not get some other skank pregnant would be on that list). Then present them to your wife, see what she is willing to meet, see which of her needs you are willing to meet. (Don't expect a lot because you are a douchebag right now). The rest of those needs you meet yourself.

Get your **** together. I am so embarassed for your wife right now.

Just in case you are wondering, this post is the answer to your prayer. (Just omit foul language). The answer is simply shortly put: if you want it fixed, God will meet you halfway with the healing, but the attitude you better get to work on. Amen.

[carrie999]

Small Update: I am at NC for 9 days. We see each other at work, but i have made no eye contact with her. Trying to heal. Last conversation we had she told me, she could never be with me because she does not trust me, but then when I asked her if we could be a couple again, she says maybe. Mixed signals. Our last words to each other were she was having a bad day and I asked what is wrong and she said it was too personal. That stung. Another man, I am sure. I realize now no contact is the best thing. 9 days and counting. My marriage is not getting better, she sees i am in pain from the OW and its hurting my marriage. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

 

Given that your posts started months ago and focus on MOW rather than your BS, I'm going to venture to say that your head hasn't been in your marriage for months. Rather than torture you with tough love or the giant kick in the ass you need to move forward, I will empathize. I don't have kids and I'm not married, yet I'm still very much where you are.

 

My fiance is an amazing man, but doesn't fit me, despite all evidence to the contrary. I started cheating on him months ago with a man who would be perfect for me, if only we had met years ago. The fact is (though I know it and refuse to accept it fully): I need to be single and figure my life out before attempting to commit to someone fully.

 

My fiance shares my dark (but not so dark) sense of humor, is active physically, motivated to do great things career-wise while still focusing on family first, and has a family that I was immediately drawn to and accepted me as one of their own from day one, as did mine him. We're perfect together, not just on paper, but in our day-to-day lives. We started dating weeks after my first niece was born, and her first genuine smile was for him, which shocked and softened us all to him.

 

But he has his flaws. Everyone does. Clearly I do! I believe his were a deal-breaker for me, though he is an incredible man who will be a fantastic husband and father. I didn't see it happening, but long before my affair started, (and without the pressures of marriage and parenthood), my attraction to him faded. It wasn't the same way that it happened in past relationships- I think I just realized we weren't right together and refused to let go of such an amazing man, who still (mostly) "should be" perfect for me.

 

And somewhere along the line, I discovered the perfect man for me, who is far less perfect than my fiance, since he's married and being as deceitful and cowardly as I am. And I've strung this along, hoping to find clarity, when in my heart I know I need to let both of them go, move on, and become infinitely stronger and better than I am right now.

 

Your wife certainly doesn't deserve this, and neither do your kids. But realize that YOU don't deserve this, either. Not what your xMOW is doing to you, but the damage that you're doing to them and to your own self-esteem. You're better than this, and you need to come to terms with that.

 

Have enough respect for your loved ones to come clean (about all of it, not just what your wife found out), or to move on. You're only human, and you've made mistakes. It doesn't make you a bad person, and if you own up to it, eventually even the people you have hurt will understand that and accept it, too.

 

On a final note: you're allowed to feel hurt by her betrayal, but this entire affair was built on betrayal. Just remember that as you continue to promise "never to do this again." And forgive yourself, and live a more honest life. Best of luck to you.

[Mimolicious]

You started this thread back in Sept and here we are in Dec and "9 days of NC" .... Really?!

 

People create their own misery. Well deserved.

 

Do your W a favor and tell her that you are too hurt over OMW... see where that takes you. Man up or ship out. Good luck!

[aim9618]

I understand everyone is ganging up on me. I did not intent to hurt anyone or be malicious. I fell for this OW and she broke my heart. I was not prepared to leave my W, so the OW fell out of love. I miss her and everything she gave me. Its not easy to know she is with someone else and with them both being at my job it makes it worse. Yes I admit, i wanted my cake. It completed me. I know that it is flawed, but I am not a perfect human being. I am not asking for sympathy, just advice how to get better. I am human and have feelings. I know I hurt my wife, but I did chose her over the OW. I know I know, my wife deserves better. I have flaws and trying to owe up to them. I just miss her. We had over 2 years together and now I have to move on with my life, which includese fixing my marriage. I am just scared that the damage might be done.

[White Flower]

Aim,

 

You miss what you had because maybe she was better for you and you missed the one shot you had?

 

Sometimes leaving is the better way. For everyone.

 

I hope you didn't feel too ganged up on. Keep posting and work out your feelings. Hugs.

[dreamingoftigers]

I understand everyone is ganging up on me.

 

This is a victim statement, you are not a victim, you are continually creating this issue and treating your wife horribly!

 

I did not intent to hurt anyone or be malicious.

 

That may not have been the intent. But your actions could lead to nothing good here, any adult can see what indulging yourself in this can do to a marriage and your own self-worth, accept some responsibility.

 

I fell for this OW and she broke my heart.

 

You should never have allowed your emotions to carry you so far as to take actions to fall in love with her. You are in control of what you do with your feelings. The feeling fairies just didn't up and capture you!

 

I was not prepared to leave my W, so the OW fell out of love.

 

Consequence of action.

 

I miss her and everything she gave me.

 

I miss the 80s. They aren't coming back, I have to deal with the fact that there won't be anymore new Jem & The Hologram shows on anymore. We all have to grow up sometime. Your turn.

 

Part of being an adult means measuring options for ourselves, you cannot be everywhere at once and have everything at once. You weight out your situation and pick the best option. Then you deal with sacrificing all or some of the other options. You aren't a doctor-firefighter-lawyer-astronaut, are you?

 

Its not easy to know she is with someone else and with them both being at my job it makes it worse.

 

Consequence of action.

 

Yes I admit, i wanted my cake.

 

Too much cake will kill you.

 

It completed me. I know that it is flawed, but I am not a perfect human being.

 

Nobody is clamouring for your perfection. Just stop hurting everyone around you with your internal battle.

 

I am not asking for sympathy, just advice how to get better.

 

Commit to your marriage and take responsibility for your own happiness. Find out what your needs are: get some self-help books, go see a therapist and ask her to help you discover what your needs are, that way you can see what it specifically is that needs filling. Did you "love" OW because she adored you? Perhaps you needed to feel worthy of someone, if that is the case you need to do things to feel worthy of someone. Maybe you just need to accept yourself. Just an example.

 

I am human and have feelings. I know I hurt my wife, but I did chose her over the OW.

 

You have halfway chosen her. It actually seems like you are heavily, heavily conflict avoidant. Waiting until December to even come really close on making a decision about this. You sat on this for a long time. There is something you expect from those around you that you ain't asking for. I wouldn't be surprised if this gave you a little power with the wife, being halfway out the door scares the **** out of any betrayed spouse. It doesn't take a doctor-firefighter-lawyer-astronaut to figure that out.

 

I know I know, my wife deserves better.

 

Then do better.

 

I have flaws and trying to owe up to them.

 

How have you gone about this?

 

I just miss her.

 

The 90s I don't miss as much, but I do miss Cheers. Good show. Kept it pretty fresh too. Still, moving on. The point is that there is no use in continually feeding feelings that don't help your situation. Find out what caused you to overlook years of marriage to jump into this and deal with those feelings!

 

I can cry all day over Jem & the Holograms, but it won't do anything for me, it won't make them put it back on the air (plus Jem would be close to geriatric by now, she would be like the female Rolling Stones). There is no use in me feeding the feelings of missing that.

 

What I can do is commit to make my life better and find what elements of it I liked so much. Part of it was the fact that I was 4. Maybe by making my daughter's four year old life (she's 18 months now) really really fun in ways that Jem made my Saturday cartoon life fun, it can be as fulfilling to me. It may be simple to move on from OW, but it isn't necessarily easy, give yourself a little break on the shame, but move forward.

 

We had over 2 years together and now I have to move on with my life, which includese fixing my marriage.

 

You are choosing to move on with your life. If not, let other people move on with theirs. Either be a leader here, or quit dragging your wife down. She isn't responsible for making your marriage a Disneyland escape for you. Sorry to tell you but reality, when you face it, is not as bad as the image in your mind you are trying to escape.

 

Whatever it is you were trying to escape by having this relationship with OW just makes her look better then she actually is.

 

You mentioned before you will miss the way she treated you. How does W treat you differently? How do you treat her differently (maybe refer to before you cast her aside like garbage).

 

These are all things you could have looked at before creating a pit of Hell in your marriage. Learn from it.

 

I am just scared that the damage might be done.

 

I would be incredibly surprised if it wasn't. The fact that she is with you still, blows my mind. I have a pretty strong feeling that won't last if you continue with your lack of true committment to rebuilding your marriage.

 

You truly make it seem like:

 

"Well, I better, she wants me to."

[lavendera]

Please let your wife go so that she can find a decent, moral man, because you sir, are not that man. Your children will be fine without you living at home. Just make sure you see them regularly. Your wife could not be happy. She might not know the details of your lies and deceit, but she knows something is terribly wrong. Your kids deserve two happy parents and you are making sure that they never get that.

 

You're not working on your marriage. Let her go. As far as the ow, she is a woman of ill repute. If it was me, I'd make sure everyone in the office knew she was Miss Loosie Goosie and give her a husband a head's up to the cheap liar he's married to. Then, find another job.

[alexandria35]

Please let your wife go so that she can find a decent, moral man, because you sir, are not that man. Your children will be fine without you living at home. Just make sure you see them regularly. Your wife could not be happy. She might not know the details of your lies and deceit, but she knows something is terribly wrong. Your kids deserve two happy parents and you are making sure that they never get that.

 

You're not working on your marriage. Let her go. As far as the ow, she is a woman of ill repute. If it was me, I'd make sure everyone in the office knew she was Miss Loosie Goosie and give her a husband a head's up to the cheap liar he's married to. Then, find another job.

 

 

Agreed. Please stop trying to hold your wife hostage in this horrible excuse for a marriage. You took your liberty now why can't you give your wife hers?

[Steadfast]

In June, she told me she fell out of love with me. She was tired of hearing I would not plan of future with her. We still Instant message and see each other at work. I am still in love with her. She says I'm her best friend, but she wants nothing more. Although we did make love once. I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married.

 

If this had been posted three-years ago I'd swear you were talking about my wife! She tags, does her thing, then keeps 'em on a string when a new flavor comes along. Except me. I'm 'special' according to her. That's probably because I'm raising her kids after signing off. The wiggle and the eye batting has lost its power over me, but the weak continue to fall...

 

Posts like this make me nauseous because I recognize (what I perceive as?) common thinking. The now famous and ever-powerful workplace romance; an extended, adult version of high school with its drama and mischief. But unlike high school there's usually families involved, and the wreckage of innocent souls that just happen to be born into it. You've contributed, you've tasted it, yet selfishly cling to whatever you can so you'll 'feel better'. Here's hoping the light goes on soon. Grow up.

[dont-be-naive]

I am just scared that the damage might be done.

 

it is. you and your wife might stay together til the day one of you dies. but the damage will still be there for her. you have given her something to think about when she looks at you from now on.

 

that is if she knows, and I'll guarantee you she knows something.

[Woman In Blue]

Small Update: I am at NC for 9 days. We see each other at work, but i have made no eye contact with her. Trying to heal. Last conversation we had she told me, she could never be with me because she does not trust me, but then when I asked her if we could be a couple again, she says maybe. Mixed signals. Our last words to each other were she was having a bad day and I asked what is wrong and she said it was too personal. That stung. Another man, I am sure. I realize now no contact is the best thing. 9 days and counting. My marriage is not getting better, she sees i am in pain from the OW and its hurting my marriage. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure if my heart is there. I know my brain tells me I need to stay in it for my kids and my wife. Praying.

You sound like a lovesick teenage girl. Did someone take your nuts and put them in a mason jar on their back porch? Jeez. I'm sensing ZERO testosterone, here. Blech. No wonder your xOW is looking elsewhere for a real man.

[hoping4happyevrafter]

Seems to me this guy is getting the short end of the stick. Us women support eachother in our MM issues so why is it that the OP is getting such a hard time because he cheated on his wife? If we're here posting on this forum chances are we've had a little experience with the topic. Seriously people. Can't we just get along?

[whichwayisup]

Seems to me this guy is getting the short end of the stick. Us women support eachother in our MM issues so why is it that the OP is getting such a hard time because he cheated on his wife? If we're here posting on this forum chances are we've had a little experience with the topic. Seriously people. Can't we just get along?

 

For a new poster who seems to know the LS dynamic and various posters, you certainly sound like a reborn LS'er who left and decided to come back as someone else. Sorry if I'm wrong but with only 3 posts, to go and dig up this particular post is questionable.

[aim9618]

We had our finally conversation and it was not pretty. She told me I played two sides of the fence for years. She has never trusted me, said i was sneaky, and that is the reason she walked away. Now she is happy and has honesty in her life. She kept saying those words over and over "she is happy and has honesty". She also said her life is less complicated. I asked her if we could ever be together. She always answered "i dont know". For the first time she answered "no". She has honesty now and is happy. My heart hurts. I saw two dozen red roses on her desk. I assume its from another man, not her hubby. This has been a whirlway, a life lesson. Not sure where to go. I know working on my marriage is important. Just scared and worried where my life is headed.